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Chapter 20: If Only, If Only, The Little Boy Sighed.

I knew when Rufus called, he wasn’t invited me over to “hang out” or even attend one of our tedious meetings. No, see, I could tell by the gentle tremor in his normally collected voice, this was going to be my sentencing.

Growing up in the richest part of California wasn’t a frequent dream of half the population in my school- it was a reality. Much like the rich folks here, in Staten Island, my city oozed the same ignorance and homophobia, the most ooze coming from my own house. No one accepted homosexuals, even if San Francisco allowed gay marriage, we were still considered a wart on their perfect life, and a threat to their way of living. “Think of the children!” They screamed- because homosexuality is more dangerous than the violence and drugs they witness everyday in their “normal” lives.

So when everyone found out I was gay…it wasn’t pretty. The only friends I managed to keep were my “Shinra,” friends, everyone else abandoned me. I was kicked off the lacrosse team…which to be honest, didn’t bother me much since I didn’t really like sports- I joined it to shut my dad up- and my entire family glared at me as if I had just killed a group of school children.

If my family didn’t understand, if my teammates didn’t understand, and if my friends since the second grade didn’t understand….I expected Hojo and Rufus to react the same way- panic, freak out, kick the leaving crap out of me. What scared me was, the fact that they didn’t do anything…

Well…technically, they didn’t do anything.

To get into the story here, would be pointless- everyone can pretty much imagine what happened from then to now to get me into this position, where I am standing before the same wooden door Vincent Valentine stood before two years ago. Two years ago? It doesn’t seem that long ago now that I think about it. Only two years…and I found out I was gay, I was disowned by my family, I watched my boyfriend die, I moved to the other side of the states, met the love of my life…and lost him. Heh, at the rate I am going, I will be dead in six years…pleasant thought.

“Reno! No! Run Away!” I looked sadly at Elena, who struggled to break free from the grasp of one of Shinra’s guards.

“Cousin…” There was Rude, on my other side, hiding behind his dark sunglasses. He tried advancing towards me, but another guard clutched his arm, “Let me go!” he looked at me…looks of fear managing to push past his stone cold face. “No! Reno!”

Their faces were plagued with fear, something that I myself lacked. I prepared myself for this moment when I first realized that Cloud was more than just a mission- he was my life support. I know it sounds cheesy as heck, but it's true...but I should have known love is such a fickle girl, and refuses to be easy. Love has to be hard and painful and crimson-not red- and causes us all into a frenzy of depression when with lose her. Love was amazing, and I wish I could keep it.

I knew my fate when I walked through the door, and I would take it like a man. That's all I have left, is my dignity...or is that gone to. What kind of gay man am I? So easily persuaded to exploit my homosexuality to destroy a man for no reason, but money? I no man, I'm no gay man; I'm just a sad, pathetic little boy.

I looked behind me, my eyes locking on Rufus sitting at a table, his chin resting in his hand. He looked confused...Rufus Shinra was never confused. He knew what he was doing, and he thought he was right in doing it...

"Rufus," I called out. He looked at me, his perplexed eyes changing to pity, "You could have stopped this all...you could have ended this a long time ago. Saying you couldn't, and saying you had to, are just lies to yourself- you're stronger than your father, and you are stronger than that man in that room...you just have to realize it's...

"It's your life Rufus, not theirs."

I don't know why I said it. Rufus and I were never close enough, for me to give a damn about his life- not to mention, right now, it was my a$$ on the line, not his. It was probably just a Freudian slip that I hope got though that thick head of is.

It was his life...

Damn, it was my life.

I could have said no...but I didn't...I just didn't care at that point.

Maybe my punishment here, is not for being gay, but for being a selfish asshole.

-

I didn't walk, I didn't think, I just ran as fast as my legs could take me, past the judgmental houses of my neighbors that scoffed at my motivation.

It was pointless to sit at home and wonder what would happen if I do this, that, or the other thing. No matter what I do, he is getting hurt, he is being broken, and God dammit, I love him way to effin much to let him sit in that house that hates him, and suffer alone. If I'm there, at least, I could save him, love him, and that's that matters. Even if this is just a high school romance doomed to fail, I will fight for him, for as long as I have to (forever.)

And that is the meaning of love.

The meaning of love is, I'll suffer and die before I denounce you.

"Say you hat him," Hojo brought the whip down on my bare stomach, adding to the array of disgusting slashes, "Say it was all a ruse, say that you are straight, and not an embarrassment to this group. Say you are a man, not a fag!"

I swallowed back the pain that rose like bile in my stomach, "I am a man..." I attempted to pick myself up from the floor, only to fall back on my ass again. I leaned against the cold brick wall, which gave painful comfort to the burning gashes on my back, and watched him advance towards me...a devilish smile expertly placed on his face. He was enjoying every minute of this...and why wouldn't he? He was playing God...

The whip came down sharp on my shoulder, so hard I thought it managed to dislocated it...but it was fine, only blood and skin dripped from that wound. I looked up at him, with my half dead eyes...I was tired, and sweaty, and bloody- and the sweat was mixing in with the wounds, causing stingy, unbearable pain, every second. "I love...Cloud...Strife..." But despite the pain, and the blood, and the sweat and tears...I wouldn't just give him the words he wanted to hear. No, I am done lying.

"I'm sorry to hear that, Reno."

And again, and again, and again, that bloody whip bit, and ripped off my skin...cursing the unfinished basement floors with my crimson blood...I tried getting up...I couldn't take this. I leaned against the wall, trying to move...slowly, towards the door. It seemed too far-

It came down on my back, hard, long...I felt the gash open up, from my neck to the small of my back, throbbing and festering. I wouldn't fall...so he smacked me again with it, on my legs, and knees, and arms...hitting the old wounds, adding more...I was losing blood...I was nothing but blood.

He grabbed my hair, keeping my in place...that's when I felt him dig his nails into the wound on my back. I finally screamed out in pain...it was horrible. The pain shot through my body, as his nails dug deeper and deeper. Finally my feet gave way, and I collapsed on the floor. I tried to move, but I was too weak...I felt like I was dieing again.

"Just say it, and I'll stop."

"Fuck...You..."

"That's too bad."

Hojo walked away... to the middle of the room...

I couldn't see what he was doing, for my eyes were glassy from the painful tears that wanted to fall. It felt like someone was stabbing me over, and over, and over again...ripping and gutting out my organs, tissue and muscles, slowly...taking time to examine the organs. It felt like he literally grabbed my heart, and dug his disgusting nails into it...feeling it pump with fear...licking off the blood that oozed out of it...I could almost feel him rip it out...

But he wasn't breaking any bones...no...That would be too easy see. Bones heal, and they hurt for a second- this will hurt forever.

"Reno, Reno, Reno." He was standing over me... "It's a damn shame you can't just say you're sorry, and agree to become normal. Now you have to live with it for the rest of your life. Now...my dear Reno, when any fag fucks you from behind, he will know exactly when you are..."

"And what am I?"

“You’ll see.”

I felt heat hit my back softly, like something hot was hovering over the stinging wound…and in some messed up way, it was comforting the burning gash on my back. Or…maybe it just felt like it was pleasant, because I was slowly losing consiouness from the hell I was in. There were no windows in this place, no form of oxygen seemed to live in here- how Hojo was so immune to the lack of air, is beyond me. The heat traveled up and down my back, soothing me into a lucid sleep…where all those memories of Cloud seemed to dwell…

God, that was those where the most beautiful words I ever heard spoken to me.

Cherry soda…that became my new favorite drink after that day, and not just because I am an egotistical moron, but because he said it.

No, no I wouldn’t- I would hurt you more than she ever could.

No, I wasn’t hitting on guys. I was trying to stop Rude from taking that damned picture of you and I making out…only to have Rufus show up, and nearly kick my ass for trying to interrupt his damn mission. I should have killed the bastard when I had the chance..

And that’s how the memories flooded through my head, in a million random, broken pieces; just like the boy I saw that first…moment.

When I walked into that history classroom, I was expecting him there…I was just going to study him, and dismiss him as just some easy, whiny, emo boy, who wasn’t even worth the fuckin mission. Then I saw him…and our eyes met for a brief second, and I knew I was getting into something…something bad. It wasn’t just the fact he was drop dead sexy, and it wasn’t just the fact, that he would seriously be someone I would want to day, it was the fact I was going to torture and lead on someone who was already broken inside. You know that old saying, “don’t do to others what you don’t want done to you,”- I knew if some asshole lead me on for three months, I would kill him…

I didn’t want to do this shit to him, he didn’t deserve it. Cloud Strife didn’t do anything to-

That heat…was gone.

I woke up from the so called nap I was taking…everything was a big blur from the tears…I couldn’t even see the damn walls anymore, just a disgusting honey tint surrounding me.

“This is going to hurt you, more than it’s going to hurt me.”

Metal, mixed with flames hotter than hell, crashed onto my back, burning my skin, and sending my whole body into convulsions of never ending, torturous pain. I can’t even describe the agonizing pain…because I blacked out with the metal was removed from my scorched skin.

I woke up a day and a half later, in my bed, and with the concerned eyes of Elena and Rude plastered on me. I don’t know what happened after everything went black, all I know is…the word “fag” is branded on my back.

-

I lingered outside his front door like a moron, as if waiting for him to open it. I didn’t even knock on the damn thing, I didn’t even know what I was going to say to him. I told him so many things, hurtful things, and even though it was justified…I still thought they were too harsh for just a normal apology. I knew he didn’t want to do what he did, and I knew if he didn’t, he would be severely hurt, and I came to terms with that. He was forced to…yes he was.

I took a deep breath, and knocked on the door. I was waiting for the owner of the house to answer me call, when my eyes danced towards the site of a little girl, in a big dress. She was cute…I’ve seen her around- parties and stuff- she was Reno’s next-door neighbor I see. She stood next to a Mercedes, her hair in perfect girls, dressed in a long white dress…she was so pale and perfect, almost like a dream. She was the kind of image that gave you a sense of comfort- that there is still innocence in this world. Then I heard the crash of falling glass echo from her perfect house. Shouts and obscenities followed the broken glass- “I hate you.” “You’re worthless.”- and the perfect picture of the girl, was stained with the crystal tears that fell from her green eyes.

And that was the neighborhood we lived in- a perfect flood of tears.

“Can I help you?”

I looked back to the door, and laid my eyes upon a woman- a nanny- holding Reno’s bubbly little brother in her arms. She had a soft face, cursed with the look of aged thanks to her stressful job of raising children that aren’t hers, but her eyes were tainted with malice…like I was some kind of walking disease.

“I’m looking for Reno,” I said smoothly, not in anyway phased by the obvious cold aura that hung in her eyes.

“He isn’t allowed to have guest right now,” she snapped.

“I don’t care,” I snapped back, “I want to see him.”

“He isn’t having any visitors today.”

She attempted to shut the door in my face, but I stopped the closing door with my hand, staring into her eyes with some kind of hidden rage. “Listen lady-”

“He isn’t allowed to have boys over,” her tone grew softer.

Figured his parents where going to be bitches about him being gay- especially since they kind of have it figured out him and I were an item.

“I have to see him,” I opened the door fully, “and you can’t stop me.”

I walked into house…my eyes scanning for any sight my Reno- nothing downstairs. I went for the stairs when I heard the woman’s voice call for me..

“He isn’t upstairs,” she said, casually, “he is in his basement.”

“Basement?”

She pointed down a hallway, that was hidden by some indoor planets, and a speaker. I walked towards the hall, and saw the ugly green door with the words, “don’t come in,” carved into the wood. The many thoughts I had outside, found their way back into my mind- what was I going to say to him…?

Anything would be good at this point…I just hope he is happy to see me.

I walked down the steep stair case, the house creaking with every step- so attempt at a surprise was just shot out the window. The basement looked unfinished, dirty, dark, despite the holiness and glamour of the rest of the house. For anti- Sinclair family…

A small light coming from the other side of the basement, caught my eye, and I was pulled towards the mysteriousness of it. On my way towards the light, I saw something rather strange if you will.

Artwork, paintings, unfinished black and white drawing, cluttered the basement. There were millions of them, scattered carelessly against walls, and on the dirty floor. Despite their abandonment, they were beautiful…dark, angry almost. I am no art expect, so I couldn’t even begin to tell you the meanings behind these paintings…but whoever did them, was very angry.

There was one, though, that I spotted hanging up on the wall. It was in the point of view of someone looking down from the ferry boat, at the green water of New York Habor. There, painted, was the dirty water, the white foam that followed the ferry…and what looked like, bodies under the water…dismembered bodies…

“You like it?”

The lifeless voice startled me, and I swung around to see the culprit.

“It’s new, ya know, just painted today.”

Reno sat on a bench not to far, his back towards me, looking rather disheveled- his hair wasn’t gelled up, dark circles surrounded his eyes as if he hadn’t slept in a week. He looked scary…scary as in dead.

“It’s…nice,” I said, taking a seat next to him on the barely standing bench. “You…feeling alright?”

He looked at me for a second, a small, fake, smile gracing his face, “I feel…like I look.” His eyes when back to the painting before him. This one was more pleasant…just a building with a million windows, all with the shades drawn, save for the middle one. The middle window, it’s light was on, and there staring at each other…were the shadows of two men.

“Everyone’s hiding,” he said suddenly, “hiding from who they are. We keep the shades drawn on our lives so no one can see, except the one brave person who faces the world with his lights on. It’s all about lights and shadows, Cloud, lights and shadows. Lights can be good, but lights can be bad, you get what I am saying?”

To be honest, I didn’t know what the fuck he was getting at…but I didn’t want to tell him that. Clearly, my love has snapped like one of those pencils. He laughed at his own lunacy, as if he actually knew what he was saying didn’t make sense to anyone but him. I don’t know what happened to him…I don’t even think I want to know. I just want him to be better…

“Reno…” I clutched his hand, “I think you need some sleep-”

“Fuck sleep!” He cackled, “Who needs sleep? If we sleep, if I sleep…it will get dark, and they will come for me. See Cloud, darkness can be good, and darkness can be bad. I don’t want to be in the dark right now, you understand right? You don’t like it either, it scares you.”

“You aren’t making any-”

“Sense? Sense? This whole fuckin thing doesn’t make sense!”

He looked up me, finally, his eyes threatening tears, with a horrible mix of fear and pain stinging his face. “Why? Why did this have to happen?”

“What happened?”

He looked at our hands tightly laced together, “Why did Tseng have to die?”

The tears fell from his eyes in buckets. I wrapped my arms around him, pulling him as close as if fuckin could to my body, running my fingers through his hair to sooth his sobs. He clutched to my shirt, as if someone was going to take him away…he completely broke down in my arms.

“Reno, what happened baby?”

“He…called me…Hojo, he called me and taunted me. He called me and said… ‘why don’t you call your little boyfriend.’ I knew…something went wrong, something happened to Tseng.

“I ran to his house like a maniac, praying to fuckin God that he would be okay. That if anything, he would just be roughed up a bit, but nothing to bad…no no…Tseng was strong and ruthless to his advantage, no, he would be fine. No one can hurt him see, because we are just little kids and nothing can happen to us. No one can destroy us. So I busted through his door knowing that nothing was wrong, and that he would look at me with his ‘what the fuck Reno?’ look, and call me stupid or something. See, everything was going to be okay.”

He sighed heavily, the sobs coming to a halt, “but everything wasn’t okay. I walked into his room, and it was a fuckin mess. Papers everywhere, clothes on the floor, his posters ripped from the walls, and laid discarded on the floor…God it was bad. I called for him…but no one answer. I saw his bathroom light one…which was fucked up because, why would his bathroom light be on? Heh. So like an asshole…I swung open the door…and there he was…his body dangling from a rope tied around his neck.

“I laughed, kind a, nervously. Told him to ‘Get down from there.’ But he didn’t…he just ignored me, he acted if I wasn’t even fuckin there! But I was…I was begging him to come down, and call me an idiot. But he wouldn’t listen to me! So I cut the rope, and brought him to floor…and looked into his eyes. They were still…they didn’t move at all. Then…I fuckin smacked him! And just…I just yelled at him, called him anything I could think of…but he didn’t wake up…dead…he was dead.

“There was a note taped to his chest…it read

He finally went silent.

And I just sat there, shocked…scared…sad…

I looked at him, shaking in my arms…this is what happened to Reno…he was forced to grow up. I moved a couple of strands of his unruly locks away from his face, looking into his eyes plagued with guilt.

“I love you,” I said.

“Don’t say that…I don’t deserve it.” He broke from my arms, sitting arms length away from me- trying to run away from me…I see. He was afraid. “It doesn’t matter what happens now, Cloud…we could break up, or get back together, it still means more pain. If not from Shinra, but from the world.”

“So, you’d rather lay down and die? Give up? The battle hasn’t even started.”

“I don’t want it to start.”

“But it will…and you have to face it.”

“Haven’t I faced enough?”

He got me there…he had to watch two people he loved die…I can’t just tell him to get over that, and move on. Now, on top of it, he has to face his parents, his friends, his community with the “gay” stigma…and suffer for loving someone.

I scooted closer to him, until I could practically feel his breath leave his mouth. I reached up, and touched his face… “Wouldn’t you rather, go through all the pain with someone who you love?”

“Yes…”

“Wouldn’t you want to travel that road, with me?”

“Yes,” he whimpered.

“Then lets go, Reno, lets throw away all the bullshit, all the missions, all the frustrated, and just be together again.”

“It isn’t that easy-”

“Fuck easy. Of course it is going to be hard, of course there is going to be a bunch of shit in this relationship, but we knew that the first time. So screw everyone!”

“You act like it’s so fuckin simple.” He laid his head on my shoulder, “I like your little fantasy better than my harsh reality.”

I pulled him back into my arms, a feeling of utter comfort washed over me…this was where he was supposed to be. We sat with our arms around each other for, what seemed like an eternity, in the cold, damp basement, listening to the frantic sounds of footsteps what ran above us. The entire world seemed to disappear, for a second, and there was only us- Reno and I.

I closed my eyes to intensively this feeling of comfort, and wrapped myself in my own little dream world, where nothing bad could ever touch us, where we we’re happy, and everyone magically accepted us, and our love, into their everyday life. I liked this world, and I wanted to stay in it forever…

But the simple touch of his lips on mine, dragged me from my pleasant dream…to a much better reality. I pushed my tongue into his mouth, feeling his insides as if it was the first time I ever kissed him. We didn’t stop the motion…we didn’t stop when we fell to the floor, and we didn’t stop when our clothes magically flew off our bodies…

No we didn’t stop that night…even when we heard his parents walk through the door, and when we heard their mock concern voices of his whereabouts. All I cared about in those sixty minutes of bliss, was making him forget about all the troubles that haunted his life and stabbed at his soul.

He never told me about the scar on his back though, even when I saw his face contort in pain in the middle of our love making. It wasn’t until we were done, and I collapsed next to him on the cold floor, did I see his eyes sting with pain..

“Did I hurt you?” I pushed his sweaty hair away from his eyes.

“No…it wasn’t you. It was Hojo.”

That’s when he showed me the word that festered in his back. I almost wished he hadn’t, because it killed my little fantasy of “everything is going to be okay,” and tossed me back into the world he and I lived in- a world I wish I could have hide from a little while longer.

He laid his head I the crook of my next, with his arm carelessly flung on my chest. I felt his once harsh breathing grow soft, as sleep seemed to finally take over his body. I dragged a Mexican blanket on top of our naked bodies- just incase any curious adults wanted to sneak a peak- and settled myself into a much wanted sleep.

“Tell me a story,” he mumbled.

I laughed at his childish innocence, but I didn’t want to disappoint my little boyfriend. So I decided to tell him a story, the most amazing story I could think up at such short notice. I decided to tell him the only story that seemed to matter in this moment…

I told him the story of us…

“Growing up in the richest part of the white trash borough of New York, Staten Island, is a frequent dream of half the population of my school. However for me, Cloud Strife, I’d rather live in the deepest part of hell than spend my life surrounded by the fascist close-minded people I call…my neighbors.”

“Nice,” he laughed, “White trash.”

“Hey, shut up, it’s about us.”

“Well get to the damn good part! This is boring, tell me about that time we had sex!”

I would have liked to say, this is where the story ended- a nice, easy happy ending. As cliché as it would have been, I would have taken normalcy over the pain that followed mine and Reno’s reunion. Despite how painful it was, however, it’s worth retelling…I need everyone to hear this story…

This story is not about the love two young men shared…

This is a story about how the love between these two teenagers, saved their young lives.