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Authors Note: WARNING LEMON SCENE TOWARDS THE END. And Enjoy.

I could lay here on my bed, staring at the pure white ceiling, cursing myself for not seeing it before- but who am I kidding? Sephiroth…he wasn’t like Reno, who allowed the simplest emotion escape through he eyes, his mask was a cleverer designed, perfect, to the point where not even I could see the full blown hatred he had for me. The hatred I did see, the tiniest bit that would sometimes (perhaps purposely) escape to his vile eyes, I took for a common high school drama- I had the girl he wanted…and in a sense, still have her…

-

“You can’t…” she struggled to speak, all logic she still held within her fragile mind, tried to block the truthful words that wanted to escape, “don’t let this get to you- walk away from it…don’t give in.”

“Aeris, I can’t-“

“Throw away your pride for once Cloud!”

-

But did I have any to throw away? No…I wasn’t a man, I was a mouse…I was a scared little mouse. I threw away my pride the first time I succumbed to her advances, in a failed attempt to abandoned the knowledge…that I never truly in love with her. The threw it away again, when I mourned her lost…because I spent an obscene number of days cursing her out to myself, beating myself up, and even crying like a sad, pathetic child. And the little bit of pride I had left, the speck that was still existent, I threw it away the moment I allowed that knife to connect with my skin…

I lost it all after that.

-

I stared her down, my blue eyes hitting a new kind of rage…not directed at her, but at the monster that left the bruise on her perfect face.

“Why, why does he hate me? What did he do? Aeris, why did he hurt you?” I never heard my voice grow so low, and cold, than it did in that moment. She gave me a frighten look…flinching as if I had struck her myself.

“I can’t answer that…”

“Bull, Aeris, you know something!”

I didn’t mean to yell at her, but the damage was done. She pushed herself away from me, holding her arms around herself, as if to protect her from some strange enemy- to protect her from me, perhaps.

“I shouldn’t have come,” she gasped, “if he finds out…he will…I have to go…”

-

I don’t think I want to believe Sephiroth was man behind this little plan- that would force me to accept the fact, that he-of all the people in the world- knew that I was gay. But he was, and he knew it, my worse enemy, and this little secret would be the jackpot for him. I didn’t want to admit it though…I was still in this closet I built for myself. These four walls of darkness was starting to bear down on me, crushing me under its vile weight.

I close my eyes, throwing myself into a depressing darkness, surrounding my soul-as much as my sight- into a pleasant abyss. Random colors attempted to break through the darkness, only to die in bloody fury…the main color being red.

Beautiful cherry soda…

And I love cherry soda.

-

Before she left, she took one more look at me, “Did you ever love me…?”

I searching my soul, my heart, my entire f—ked up brain for the answer…but it was the wrong question. I did love her…that was easy enough…the question was, how did I love her?

“Yes,” I said coldly, “but not how you wished I did.”

-

Maybe she thought there was hope for us- that’s why she tried to get close to me, even after the break up. The truth was, the painful truth, all hope was lost for Aeris and I…it was probably over before it began.

I saw the look in her eyes, when the truth hit her-anger mixed with sadness- for the chapter of Cloud and Aeris finally came to a sad close.

This moment marked the true beginning of the Cloud and Reno tragedy.

-

Sleeping away the pain like I had plan wasn’t going to work today. Cid and Vincent were starting to worry about my health and sanity, and personally dragged my a-s to school (literally) – kicking and screaming. Today was the day, I was going to face those green eyes, those green eyes that knew too much of my pain.

I sat in my rightful seat in physics, watching the sub attempt to teach the rowdy class- it was turning out to be a tragic blow to the crazy woman’s ego. To savor what little sanity she had left, for the other four periods she had to go through, she gave up, and let us do whatever the heck we wanted- short of leaving the class…which was a tragic blow to my own sanity.

However, ten minutes into the period, Reno still had been missing in action; for a brief moment, relief washed over me…I won’t be haunted by him.

Breaking through the heavy barrier of random conversations, the need to write spring up from that pit of my soul…where it laid dormant for so long. I allowed the thoughts that demanded to be revealed, fall from my conflicted mind, to the striped loose-leaf paper…ignoring all the meanings the words held. I knew what it was about…it was about….

I heard the chair next to me move, and the stench of Ace cologne filled my nose…he finally decided to show up. I tried not to look at him…I couldn’t bare the thought. He knew how weak I was...there I was the night he broke up with me-ended in all in a hail of bullets, lying in a small pool of my own blood. Then, not even a week later, I called him to tell him just how much he means to me. But would it have hurt any less…the just ignore the pain, and let it fester within my worn body, only to kill me later?

“Hey…you uhh….look good…” He said slowly, nervously, as if I was going to bite his head off- which the thought has passed my mind.

“You look innocent…oh look now we’re both lying.” I made the mistake of allowing my eyes to take a small glance at him….all I saw…was the boy Vincent told me about.

“Nice one fucker,” he retorted nastily, though his eyes only screamed sadness.

“I like how you think you can talk to me as if nothing happened.”

“That wasn’t how I wanted to talk to you Strife.” He leaned against the chair, focusing his mock angry eyes at the board that held the failed Do now.

“Then how do you want to talk to me?” What would be the smart thing to do huh? Do what I did to Aeris right? Ignore her…or try to…but no now…I wanted him to come back- god I never wanted anyone this bad, and it was pathetic. Look what he did, he fooled me so beautifully. It was a lie…he was a lie. The most wonderful lie anyone could be.

Reno’s eyes kept losing their edge- every few seconds reverting to the sadness they actually felt…he was losing his composure, as much as I was losing my mind.

“Cloud…I can’t talk to you,” he choked, “the way I want to talk to you- the way I’ve always talked to you.”

“It was all a lie…a big ugly lie…”

He gave me the pleasure of staring into his eyes…and with a crooked smile said, “I meant every word I ever said to you- from the first…to the very last.”

And he was right….

He was horrible at physics…

And he…

“No you don’t, if you did….if you fuckin did-“

“I know,” his green eyes lost all will to fight back the sad blanket around them, “and you think I never tried to stop it? Even though I knew Hojo would kill me in a heart beat…I wanted to end it all without you knowing why I really talked to you that day. But honestly Cloud….I think it was the greatest thing that ever happened to me…”

I pound the desk with fury, only to have the echo lost in the sea of loud, random words…but he got it- his body seemed to jump and his eyes went wide. “How could you even say that,” I hissed through clenched teeth. My life was about to be ruined…and he was enjoying it?

“I was so messed up,” he mumbled, “I watched Hojo kill my best friend…I witnessed my boyfriends dead body, swinging in his bathroom…I held his cold body in my arms for what seemed like an eternity. If it wasn’t for the fact Hojo held a gun to my head; I could have never gotten the courage, or the will, to speak to you that day…

“and I don’t think I could have survived this long, without having you here…”

Maybe I would have just been better off never talking to him again.

I wanted to cry, because I couldn’t believe him, and I wanted to…more than I ever wanted anything in this world. He could say all these pretty things, get down on his knees, and beg for my forgiveness…but in the back of my mind, I will always force myself to know…

It was all based on a big lie.

“You…uhh…cut your hair…Reno?” That long pony tail, the one I loved to grab when he was annoying me, was missing from his sea of cherry red. All that was left, were the flips and flaps that grace the top of his head.

“…” He felt the back of his head tentatively, “I loved my hair…”

Yeah, he was such a prissy boots about it- when he would spend the night, he spent close to forty getting his hair to look presentable…for fuckin bed. He wouldn’t cut it without having a gun put to his head.

Heh, knowing his friends, that doesn’t seem to out there now.

“…I watch too much anime,” he laughed bitterly, “My hair for your love…it seems so corny now, God I suck.”

And I think the saddest thing was…I knew exactly where he got it from, “Marmalade from,” I mumbled,” stupid show.”

“Yeah, my friend Scarlet made me read the manga and crap, yo. You know, now that I remember it, it didn’t even work! Whatever the chicks name, ends up with her step brother anyway, and the poor schmuck who chopped his hair off for her…ends up with some stalker chick. Why did I read that stupid comic!”

I didn’t want to smile…I didn’t want to show any other emotion towards him besides passive anger…but that was impossible, because I knew how fucked up in love I was with him. A small smile managed to escape the stone cold wall I tried to build, to trap my emotions, and I could tell how it affected him…

“I love it when I make you smile…”

I had to drag my eyes away from the hypnotic stare of my boyfriend…no ex boyfriend…

See, how crazy he makes me- I reverted back to the love struck little boy I was when we first met. I was back to being that boy…in the nurses office, at the bar, in New York City, in his bed…my bed…the boy who had everything in one beautiful package…

He was everything, how many times did I scream it? No, he was MY everything. I know that sounds so corny once you think about it…heh…but its so stupid, its beautiful.

“Cloud…please don’t cry…”

I touched my face, only to find that daring tears sprung from the wounds.

“Fuck,” I wiped away the wetness from my face, forcing the others that threaten to fall back into their hideout.

“I’m sorry for everything I did to you…you know I love you more than life itself…right.”

I knew he did…

“Just shut the fuck up Reno,” I snapped, “just please, shut up.”

“No,” I saw the water swell up in his eyes, “I need to know, there’s hope for us…”

Hope? That’s all I have been hearing for the last couple of fuckin days. Hope for Zack, hope for Aeris, hope for fuckin Reno. All this fuckin hope…and hope is nothing. It’s like wishing on a stupid shooting star…it won’t come true! All those dreams I had when I was little, wasted them all on a stupid ball of fire! And look, none of them came dream.

Now look where hope has gotten us?

Zack is going to die…

Aeris is being smacked around…

And Reno…

And Reno and I…

“I…don’t know, Reno,” I clenched my fist, “I don’t know…”

“You told me you loved me!” He slammed his fist on the desk this time, “You told me all this shit, about how you never wanted to leave-”

“Oh don’t start this shit! You were the one who blew it! You were the one who wasted it all on a fuckin ‘mission.’ That’s what I was to you, right? A mission, a worthless mission!”

“If you were JUST a mission, Cloud, I wouldn’t be sitting here right now, fuckin begging you to love me again!”

And maybe he did mean every word he said…

“Who said,” I swallowed back the annoying tears again, “I ever stopped loving you.”

The shriek of the bell shattered our momentary heaven, calling us to our dreaded second period class. We stood up, staring hopelessly at each other, as the class and sub shuffled out of the class room…leaving us alone.

“I need you,” he said finally.

“I know,” and despite my greatest effort to restrain my body, I grabbed his hand, feeling the warmth I had long for, fill my body for a painful moment, “but I’m not ready to forgive you yet…”

“Then I just need you to know…” he took a step closer, disregarding the possibility that the whole school would see, “I would walk through hell for you…”

-

“I have a confession.”

We all focused our eyes on the ever mysterious Vincent, who decided to just show up out of no where seventh period, with eyes filled with worry. Well this had to be good…I needed something to brighten up my day.

“Well?” Cid mumbled, linking his fingers with Tifa’s.

Vincent quickly took his rightful seat, looking at the carving on the almost broken library table, probably debating whether or not to tell us this little, “confession…” Vincent didn’t really have many secrets to hide…I doubt it was going to be very big…unless he is coming out of the god damn closet, then…well then I could finally ask him out.

Argh, I am on the rebound now aren’t I? I hate this part of the break up.

“There’s someone I have been hiding from you guys,” he said coldly, “because you wouldn’t understand her, and well, wouldn’t understand why I was with her. And yeah, Cid, you can probably call me stupid for going out with her, and Barret, you could throw a fuckin fit, and Cloud…you can go ahead and give me that dirty stare you gave me, and break down like a little baby again…”

Ohhh Burn, what the fuck did I ever do to him?

“But the point is, I don’t fuckin care what you guys think, so you can shove whatever you are planning to say up your fuckin asses.”

“Well fuckin get on with it, so I know what to shove!” Cid shouted, earning a rough shush from the annoying librarian.

Vincent took a deep breath, “Elena and I have been going out for the last six months…”

I guess I should have seen it coming…she was the one that bandaged my arm when I had a little “accident…” and he seemed to know a great deal about what happened between Reno and I. I guess I could see it coming, because she was the one who comforted him when Lucretia left…and when she dies, Elena was the one who forced Reno to spill the beans about her. I looked away from Vincent, back at whatever crap I was trying to write; trying to imagine the looks on Cid and Barret’s face…surprise? Anger? Shock?

“Elena?” Cid said slowly, “from Shinra?”

“Yes,” Vincent snapped, “from Shinra.”

Silence over took the library again…a cold, unnatural silence. I almost felt Cid get ready to bust open a can of whoop ass on Vincent…and knowing Vincent, he wasn’t going take it sitting down on his ass. So I did the only thing I could do…

“I dated Reno Sinclair from Shinra,” I said, not bothering to look into the eyes of Cid.

“Well that was fuckin obvious,” Barret laughed, “I saw you too hold hands.”

“You…” Cid’s voice trembled with anger, “You and Sinclair! But, you idiot don’t you know he is a bum. A Fuckin bum! Is he the asshole who broke you little heart. He is isn’t he! I am going to fuckin kick his ass. That bum!”

“He isn’t a bum,” I hissed, looking dead on into the fiery blondes green eyes, “He is just a beautiful liar.” I looked over at Vincent, “Congrats on you and Elena bud.”

“Thank Cloud…”

I looked on angrily at the pen that was in my hand, wishing…it would just fuckin break in my hands so I could get over this. If it just cracked, splinted, just shattered in my hand, I could just move on from all of this, and know…it was over, it was really fuckin over between us…

It wouldn’t break…no matter how hard I wished it…

I ignored the conversation my friends were having about Vincent’s new love interest, and instead focused on one of the little windows in the dank basement. I saw the two birds, the robin and the blue jay, land right in front of the window, pecking around each other for food…the looked so amazing together. Then they flew away, leaving me empty again…

A crow, suddenly appeared, landing in the same spot as the robin and the blue jay. It stared at me with its beedy little eyes…spitting fire at me.

He was death, death of everything. Destruction of everything beautiful. I saw fire in that birds eyes, fire…fire from the deepest pit of hell, rising up and burning everyone in it’s violent flames.

I saw the silver haired boy looking at me, flames surrounding him, with hell and demons grabbing at his feet. He smiled a devious smile…and disappeared into the flames, untouched but the scarring heat. He was the devil…Satan in the flesh…what did he want with me?

What did I do to him?

The crow flew away…snapping me back to the real world. I looked over at Vincent, who was staring at me…

“Are you okay?”

I shook my head, “No…this whole fuckin world isn’t okay.”

-

The sky…it was beautiful today, sunny and clear, despite the frigid cold that plagued Staten Island this day in January. I shoved my hands in my pockets, to protect them from the biting frost, but allowed my eyes to the safeness, and mystery of the blue sky…and I could only think of him.

In the classes we shared, I stared at him…just drinking up all his wonderful features, and in the classes where he was absent from my site, his face, body, hair, attached themselves to my thoughts, making his almost real. He was everywhere it seemed, I wanted him everywhere, and it hurt when he was gone…but it hurt more when he was around. I guess this is what love is, a painfully, beautiful feeling.

It was forbidden…maybe that was what drew me closer and closer to him, no matter how much I wanted to run away. I wanted the danger, the mystery, the fuckin orgasmic feeling of being with someone who you aren’t supposed to have.

But can I forgive him yet? Can I honestly walk up to him and say, “forget about what happened, forget about how you shattered my heart into a million little, unfixable pieces, forget the lies you said…forget it all…because I love you and that’s all that matter.” No, that was too easy, it would be like last time. It would be like walking into his car when I had only none him for five minutes…I would be like letting him kiss me in the nurses office, or letting him drag me to that club…or even…

No, I will not taint that moment with the lies that fell from his lips so freely before, because that moment we were perfect…it was right…

I looked back at the earth I had grown to hate most days, staring at the millions of students exiting the educational jail…I leaned against Cid’s sorry excuse car, waiting for him to come out with the rest of our little “gang.” Finally got a ride home this time…no more shoving into a smelly New York City bus, filled with kids who either hate me because of my attitude problem, or hate me because they don’t even know me.

A familiar click of a car caught my attention. I caught Reno’s eyes as he opened the door to his BMW, green mixing with blue for a few brief moments. I saw something in his eyes, I saw that regret that seemed to follow him around…and that’s when I finally realized…

He meant every word he said.

Then he life, his car become nothing but a memory in front of this school, and I was sad, because I never got the chance to tell him…

“I forgive you.”

Everyone asked me if I was okay….I guess I must have looked like hell. Vincent sat next to me in the car ride home, just watching me…waiting for me to snap perhaps? Snap like a fuckin pencil. Yeah, that’s right, they were all ready for me to just fuckin shatter into a million broken pieces again. Oh why? Because that’s expected of me now…because I just break so fuckin easily. I am weak piece of shit!

“Cloud, are you okay,” Tifa turned her head to the back…her brown, innocent eyes just emitting nothing but concern for my welfare.

“I’m okay,” I said coldly, “I mean it, trust me.”

She didn’t, no one in that car did. I was losing my fuckin mind, and it was a show…everyone just watched as I slowly began to snap.

Because the only one who could ever keep be sane, is gone! He left in a hail of bullets, hail of bullets, in this pool of blood, in a hail of bullets, and we’re touching hands…in this pool of blood…

Why was I going insane? This wasn’t logical! Non of this was. Why am I so weak and powerless again these feelings that keep boiling inside of me, wanting to just explode? Why, do I want to cry, and smile, and laugh, and beg, and fuckin die all in one day? Why do I feel so lost…

“Cloud,” Vincent touched my hand, “Cloud…I know what you are going through…”

Why does this feel deeper than just a high school romance…why does it feel like this isn’t the end, but only the beginning of all the blood, all the fuckin blood…all over me. Dead, their all dead now.

“And you’re right…”

I looked into his blood….his red eyes, “What did you just say?”

“I said you’re going to be alright.”

Something is seriously wrong with me.

-

I glided my finger over my cell phone, battling with my self, a question burning in my had, “Call him or not call him.” I was not ready to get back together with him, but at the same time I wanted talk to him…he was probably the only one in the entire world right now would could help me. Oh the irony of the entire situation.

Two hours and the question still burned in my mind, with nothing to show for it. I still had his number programmed on my cell…I could just click the talk button and be connected to him. Maybe even just to hear his voice…I miss his voice. Nah, I miss much more than just his voice…I missed the way his flesh felt against mine, I miss his hair, I miss the way he would look at me…like he honestly loved me more than anything. I missed the fear, the confusion, I just fuckin missed HIM.

But it would be to easy just to say that to him…because then he would know I was just weak. Look what him and his friends did, just walking back to him as if nothing happened…no I can’t do that.

I flopped on my bed, continuing the mental fight I had with my ceiling earlier today, my phone still clutched in my right hand…just incase he called me..

He would call right?

Damn, I need sleep…I am thinking the impossible now, HA.

-

I liked the way I touched him that last night. My fingers traveled up and down his tone chest, feeling every inch of flesh offered to me. I pulled myself on top of him, our lips never leaving the comfort of one another’s mouth, our tongues dancing that forbidden tango they love so much. I played with the hem of his pants, the heat of his turn on hitting my hands…I just wanted to touch him more. I moved my lips to his neck, sucking and biting at all the right places, earning nothing my moans from my boyfriend. I unblocked his belt with on hand, my other arm supporting me over him. He lift up his hips, making it easier for me to slip his jeans and boxers off him. I wrapped my fingers around his length…

“I hate it when you do that,” he moaned, “god…dammit…”

I pumped faster biting down on his shoulder…I think drawing a little blood. I wonder if he still has that scar…

I felt him shake under me…his orgasm growing nearer…so I decided to be the bitch, and stop.

“Jerk off, don’t do that!” he shouted, “I hate it when you fuckin do that.”

I kissed him on his lips, “Don’t lie…you love it.”

And he knew it, and he hated that I knew his weakness was me. I sat up, unblocking my jeans, discarding them, and my boxers, as quickly as possible. I hovered over him, clutching the bed sheets, “Get me that crap on my night table.” He tossed me the lube, giving the “hurry up” eye…he was as impatient as me, but I didn’t want to hurt him. I squeezed the lube on my fingers, coaxing my length in the warm liquid.

I positioned myself, looking deeply into his eyes, “I love you Reno…”

“I love you more than you know Cloud…”

I squeezed my eyes shut, and thrust myself into him…

-

My eyes shot opened, my breath was loud and strained…and I was covered in a familiar sweat, with that annoying pain throbbing between my legs. For the love of all things beautiful...of all the things to dream about at a time like this…dammit. This wasn’t turning out to be as easy as I had hoped. All I want to do is be able to move on, and away from Reno…

Oh who the fuck am I kidding! I ain’t even kidding myself anymore. I want Reno more than I want tickets to see My Chemical Romance, god dammit. I love him more than I loved anything else, and I need him more than I need fuckin air to live. This was truly pathetic…but I am a sixteen year old boy with fuckin raging hormones, and masturbation has lost its fun!

Ugh, why can’t I just call Reno and have like a casual fuck with no strings attached?

I looked at the phone still clutched in my hand…kinky…

No no, can’t call him for that, what am I thinking? See, that’s it, I am thinking with my dick, not my brain like I should be. Holy hell.

But I want to hear his voice. He seemed out of it today, not himself. I wonder…

So I got up the courage and dialed him number finally…he was going to be pissed, it’s three o clock in the morning, and here I am calling him for no real reason.

“What the fuck do you want Strife?” See, didn’t I tell you, he was never a morning person.

“Hey…I just wanted to see how you were doing?”

-

Reno’s POV

I pulled the gun away from my chest; dammit why does he call right when I am about to end all of this stupid misery- it’s like he is psychic or something.

“I’m just peachy,” I snapped.

“Don’t sound like it.”

I tossed the gun back in my night table…I think I might as well just give up on killing myself, it never works out to my advantage anyway. It just causes more pain…more people get hurt, and I have to live with watching their disappointed eyes bare down on me. I hate it, why can’t God just kill me already.

“I was thinking about you,” he said softly, like he didn’t want to admit it.

“Yeah, I’ve been thinking about you a lot to, Cloud.”

“I think I am going insane…”

I smiled, “Yeah me to…” despite how close I was to missing this moment where I got to hear his voice.

“What’s your view on casual sex?”

What the…oh so that’s what he meant by thinking about me, out of character for mister Cloud Strife. “I would love to pleasure you mister, but I don’t think that would be healthy for our relationship.”

“Oh…yeah…that thing.”

Silence over took our conversation, all shred of hope I had for this so called affair was drowning…and I couldn’t do a thing to save it. It was up to Cloud to choose whether or not I was worthy of a second chance now, I can’t pled and beg anymore…I’m too tired to do that. But as it stands now, after everything I have done to him, getting back together didn’t seem in our destiny….

“Where you supposed to have sex with me that night?”

“No…in fact, Rufus made it a point to tell me not to.”

“They why did yo-”

“Don’t ask stupid question Cloud…you know why…”

-

Clouds POV

I stared at the watch, gliding my thumb over the crystals, “I believe you…”

“You…do?”

“Yes, against my better judgment, I do, I know you meant everything you said to me, and I know that you wouldn’t have done this without a gun pressed against your head. Maybe I am stupid for saying this, I forgive you Reno…I forgive you for breaking me heart the way you did. But I need you, I have no one to talk to anymore…there’s no one who gets me like you do, and I’d rather risk my sanity with you, than destroy myself being stubborn…but on the other hand Reno,” the face of the watch burned into me…everything that happened that night on the bridge came flooding back to me, “I don’t think we should get back together, yet…if at all.”

“What…” oh shit…it sounded like I just broke him even more.

“No, baby,” fuck I am just digging a bigger whole for myself and him aren’t I? “There is hope for us…just I don’t think I m ready…and I don’t think you are to. Maybe we should just start over, be friends and see where it goes.”

“Whatever Cloud.”

He hung up the selfish bastard. Thought I would just call up and beg him to come back to me. No, I am that easy, but I am willing to start over, slowly get back to the way we were. I don’t want to jump back into this relationship, we will just fall on our faces again.

But if he can’t do that much for me then…

I guess this is the end of us right?