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Chapter 16

I dragged the razor a short distance across my arm, letting the blood flow from the small cut, as freely as a violent river. I leaned against the headboard of my bed, my tears drying up thanks to the beautiful stinging pain from my arm. I knew I promised everyone I would stop this…this stupid cry for attention…but there’s nothing else in this world that could numb this kind of horrible pain. I could feel my world start to crumple, and bury me under and weight a boy my age should never have to suffer with.

I was in high school. Only high school. I could easily say, that was being a pathetic little boy, crying over something so stupid as a high school love. There will be more boys right? Coming and going…and eventually I will find that special someone who I have been looking for- and it won’t be a red headed Californian who works for a stupid high school gang. Yes this is high school, who cares about “reputation”? Whatever “reputation” you had in high school goes out the window once you hit College, right? Who the heck is going to care about who was the home coming queen, or who was gay, straight, bi, or just plain horny. Who? No one? So why should I sit here, in the dark, crying over a boy I won’t remember in two years…

I look back down at the small cut that was covered with my crimson blood….

Because this wasn’t just some high school love affair. Because this wasn’t just some boy who broke my heart. This boy…I was going to be with forever.

How do I know?

Who the hell else would put up with me!

Reno and I were perfect, like two peas in a freaking gay pod. I am cold, angry, stupid, quiet…I never say the right things, I always use violence to solve my problems, I don’t want to talk, I don’t like anything. I am a freaking mess! Zack left me because I wasn’t easy enough, Aeris left me because I wasn’t cool enough, no one else threw a single, solitary, glance at me…Only Reno…only Reno seemed interested. He was like me in some ways- violent…stupid, your cliché asshole. But he was different…he was nice, and wonderful, and easy to get along with for some reason. We balanced each other out somehow.

But that was all a fuckin lie!

He only talked to me because he had some stupid mission to complete. He only drove me home that day because he was supposed to get to know me better. He only kissed me in the nurses office so he could corner me…

He knew how to play me…and he did it so beautifully.

It wasn’t his ring tone…no…he wouldn’t call me again, that was the ring tone for strangers who didn’t deserve to hear my voice. I grab the phone angrily just so I could see the number that dared disturbed me in this moment…and to my surprised didn’t see a strange jumble of random numbers.

I decided to answer the phone…almost regretting it when I heard that voice on the other end.

“Cloud Strife…it’s been a long time hasn’t it?”

-

I was never comfortable with being a homosexual, but deep down…in some black pit of my soul, I knew what I really was. When Tifa kissed me that day, that day I ended my friendship with her, I figured something serious was wrong with me…because I had a crush on her. I think I freaked out because it didn‘t feel right to kiss her…to kiss a girl.

I remember it like it was yesterday. I walked into that same bar Reno took me into…only it was two years ago and owned by a company who didn’t think pink was the new black. I remember how nervous I was walking in to that place- seeing all the men making out, dancing, and doing unmentionable things with each other. Hate to say it, but this probably wasn’t my best place to research the “gay world.”

I started to feel sick thanks to the mix of bad alcohol, stale smoke, and the sight of grown men giving each other blowjobs. I ran into one of the bathrooms and puked my guts out for, what seemed like an eternity…when someone I sadly knew walked in.

“Are you okay?” he peeked his head into the stall, “Need some help?”

I tried to send him away with my hand, as my head was shoved in the toilet- but he was persistent. “Want me to call you a cab or something?”

The bile finally stopped and I was able to take a gander at the boy who chose to witness this pathetic display. I almost threw up again, when I took in the site of the most popular boy in the entire school…Zachary Thomas.

All the girls loved him…worshiped him like he was some kind of demi God. The guys in our school wanted to be like him- to be that handsome, smart, athletic, and an all around drop dead gorgeous guy. God he was beautiful…and here he was in a gay bar, watching me die.

“Zack…” I managed to blurt out. He flashed me a comforting smile, walking into the stall and bending down to my level.

“I know you…Cloud Strife right?” he laughed at me…a very beautiful laugh.

“Yeah…what are you doing here?” Wow…that was a stupid question to ask at the time. What would the soccer star of our school be doing in a freakin gay bar? Huh? Scouting for potential players? Well…actually yes yes he would.

“I am here to research the spread of Aids for science class,” he looked dead serious for a second…which only made me more nervous, except he let a sneaky smile grace his perfect face, “I’m gay, isn’t it obvious?”

Uh no…

“Oh…I didn’t know.”

“Eh, not your fault. Only the junior IB class really knows…and my team, but they don’t care. I wouldn’t expect a little freshman like you to know anyway.”

I guess I was to love struck to notice he sort of insulted me right there, so I laughed along with him. He helped me clean myself up and gave me a ride back to my hell hole house. I remember sitting in the car with him, staring up at the beast…my parents probably didn’t even realized it was three am and I wasn’t tucked away safely in my bed. Not like it would matter if they did know…what would they say? Nothing.

“You want to drive around for a little bit?” Zack said suddenly, breaking me away from my thoughts. I shrugged my shoulders, which he took for a yes, and we drove off. “You want to go anywhere in particular?”

Yes, there was one place. It was a beautiful place, far away from this hell hole of a neighborhood. It was a lonely, dark, place, but it was beautiful and comforting. I went there when I was little, with Aeris, all the time. I wanted to go there… “You know what abandoned church that’s like falling apart? Can we go there?”

He did one of his sideways smiles, “Yeah, I know that place…sure, I’ll take you there.”

It was once a very tall, white church, were people from a forgotten time would come here and worship a God that may or may not be there to listen. I think it was abandoned sometime in the 1940’s when World War 2 was going one. Seemed kind of stupid to abandoned a place of faith during a very troubled time in American history, but who am I to judge the ways of the 40’s high class men and women. The church now, lost its beautiful luster, and became a gray heap of wood, with broken pews and no tiles on the floor- but there was hope in that church. Beautiful wild flowers managed to grow in that barren place…adding color to the once dull world, and the most fascinating thing that managed to arise from that dead building was a pond. Yes, very weird, but there was a pond all the way in the back by the broken wall- perhaps man made, but still beautiful.

We walked in to the church, almost breaking off the rusted double doors as we did. It was a full moon tonight, which only added to the wonder and mysteriousness of the still pond that reflected the blue light in its waters. We stood at the edge of the said pond, just looking at it with dull eyes…I don’t remember what I was thinking about in that moment…but I am guessing it had to do with the situation that was presented before me. Here I was, with the star of my school…alone.

“You come here to think?” he broke the silence with his majestic voice.

“Yeah…or just to be alone. I come here with my friend sometimes to play with the flowers. Sounds dorky I know..”

“Nonsense, I think it’s very nice place to think…I am glad you are letting me share this with you.”

Oh…that fluttering feeling in my stomach erupted, sending a million little butterflies in a frenzy. I was so young back then, to think a boy could me feel this vulnerable…not even Reno or Aeris gave me butterflies the first time I laid eyes on them (okay maybe Reno but I am mad at him right now…so screw you)…heh I guess that is what happens when you meet your first love- you get all giggly and stupid.

We sat on the wet grass, looking up at starry sky, everything perfect…when he said, “You ever been kissed?”

“No..”

Then he did something…that surprisingly didn’t freak me out. He pressed his lips against mine…he kissed me. And not just a small peck, no no, this is Zack we are talking about…when he does something, he does it right and good. He glided his tongue along my bottom lip, practically forcing me to open my mouth…which I must say, I happily obeyed.

He was my first boyfriend…

And when he broke my heart I vowed never to get involved with men again….

-

I was surprised when he called…I was more surprised when he asked me to meet him after school at his apartment in the Queens. The last time I heard from Zack was when I received that damned letter from him…and I swore never to speak to him again. I guess I was feeling not like myself when I agreed to see him. Heh, I’d be lying if I said…it was going to be torture seeing this boy again.

It also gave me a good excuse to not go to school. Yes I did take the long, agonizing, silent bus ride with Vincent…just so he knew I was okay.

“I won’t be around for second period…or any other period today..” I said slowly, “I have to go to Queens, there’s someone I have to see.”

“Are you running away Cloud?” He asked in a hollow voice.

“No,” I mumbled, “In fact, I think I am doing the opposite.”

I don’t know if he believed me or not…but he let me go without to much of a fight- he just made me promise to call him when I got back…and then again before I went to bed…and you guessed it, again when I woke up. Without actually saying it, he was making me promise not to die. Heh, how hard it is to keep that kind of promise.

-

I like to remember the bad in things, you know? Makes it much easier to move on from a past love, or walk away from an oppressive family- just look at them through a black veil, and you will only see the horrible darkness that inhabits their once perfect soul. I always do this- walk around with a black veil over my eyes- and it’s a habit I should kick to the curb before it takes over my entire outlook on the world. And this is what ran through my head, when my long lost ex revealed himself to me, after two years of hiding.

To walk away from Zack, as easily as I did, I just told myself he was horrible- just representing the stigma most people place on the unsuspecting gay men. Most of all, I just viewed him as this one time thing…a fling if you will, so he wasn’t really important.

He was important to me, more than anyone would ever know. He wasn’t like Reno, though…no one could affect me the way Reno did, but he left a mark on me –a positive one- that I choose to ignore. What I chose to ignore about my first boyfriend, Zack Thomas, was how amazing and patient he was with me, up to that night where we ended it all.

Even though I had silently forgiven myself for thinking so bad of him, and forgave him for what he did to me that night, I was afraid to knock on him apartment door. What was I going to say to him? After two years of never talking to him, and rarely allowing him to come into my thoughts, how to face this person who you have convinced your mind you hated? I don’t even know hot to act in front of him.

I gathered up what little courage I still had, and rapidly knocked on the door, half hoping he wasn’t home to answer my weak call. Well…like I said God seriously has some kind of hatred for me…and Zack opened the door a smidge, poking his head out to see who disturbed him at this early hour.

“Cloud…?” He smiled, “Thought we said after school…”

“Didn’t feel like going…thought I’d come a little earlier.” I shoved my hand into my jean pockets, suddenly becoming nervous around him.

“Well, you hate hellos, from what I can remember,” he began, slowly, “So lets just get on with in.”

He pulled opened the door entirely, letting the dim light from his house flood into the hallway, dragging me into its mysterious web. His apartment was big- It had a living room, kitchen, and then a door that lead possibly to a bedroom. No surprise it was well decorated, with art and sculptures from all over the world gracing the poor brick walls with its presence, adding class to a classless neighborhood. This place was ironically comforting to me…

“How have you been?” Zack walked over to his brown, probably imitation leather couch, patting the spot next to him, “We should catch up.”

I tentatively sat down next to him, staring into the now dull eyes of the soccer star at my school. “A lot has change,” I said, drinking in the rather sad sight of him- he wasn’t the same muscle man, with vibrant eyes, and long, spiky, jet black hair- he was thinner now, maybe to thin, and his beautiful locks were now a memory, leaving only a dull buzz cut in it’s place. It was a scary sight…

“Yes it has, you aren’t short and twiggy anymore,” he cackled at me. Ow, that hurt…

I shot him a mock angry glare, “Leave me alone, I was still growing back then.”

“Ah,” he flicks my nose, “and though you look taller, and buffer, you still whine a lot, don’t you?”

“Did you invite me here to be your run on joke?”

He smiled softly, playing with my hair, “No, no I didn’t…but can a man like me have a laugh every now and then?”

Despite the beautiful smile, elegantly placed on his lips, I sensed from his aura…this wasn’t going to be a happy reunion. His eyes wilted to the floor, as his hand fell from my hair, and tangled itself in my own hand, but that smile never left… “What’s wrong?” I said.

“Just as I remember,” a small chuckle escaped his lips, “Always straight to business.”

Zack looked away from me, his eyes locked themselves on an imitation “Starry Night” painting, as if begging the blues and grays to spell out the words he dare not say. “You were the smart one,” he began slowly, “You wanted to wait, you said no…I could never say no…

“I thought if I acted the way that I did-having sex with any one that moved- I could make friends in this new world, and I did…until…”

He fiddled with his thumbs a bit…I remember that habit when we were going out…I took his hand into mine, linking our fingers together, “What happened Zack?”

“All the years of unprotected sex with men whose names I didn’t even know…I was naïve…thought I was invincible you know? When we are young, we think nothing can hurt us, we say… ‘it can’t happen to me…that would never happen…’” He squeezed my hand, begging me with his eyes not to leave.. “I have Aids, Cloud, full blown Aids…I don’t have that long to live…”

-

Besides the fact your now ex boyfriend was leading you on for three months… now your other ex boyfriend is dieing at the hands of an unstoppable villain. This was turning out to be a very trying month…as if that God that supposedly lives in heaven was trying to see…how many fuckin things he can shot at me before I crack and jump off the Verazano Bridge. The bastard in heaven was doing a damn good job at it to.

God I am selfish…

I paced around his apartment in silence, trying to let the news of Zack’s upcoming death set in…it wasn’t that easy to wrap my mind around this…this tragedy. Zack may have been a lot of things in the past, but no one…especially him…deserves to suffer a fall like this.

I didn’t know what to say…what do you say to something like this?

“Cloud,” his voice crack my thoughts, but didn’t cease my pacing, “You okay?”

“I should be asking you that…” I mumbled, “I should be helping you, not pacing here like a moron.”

“I understand…you are the only one who I have told, who hasn’t run out that door in fear,” he dropped his head, “You and my sister, the only ones, but she lives in Oregon with her husband now…she doesn’t have time for me…”

“What about the rest of your family?” Stupid question…if they found out he was gay…

“They disowned me.” They would do just that.

“…Why did you call me?” I brought my blue eyes to lay upon the raven haired boy, who sat there…with so many invisible blows to his body, they were killing him faster than the disease that ran through his veins.

He arose from his seat, walking over to the kitchen, “because I didn’t have anyone else to call…”

I watched him with soft eyes, as he opened up his pills…the pills he took to numb the pain of this disease. He had every reason to look this sad, he was dieing alone. But out of all the people he could have called…he called me, this little insignificant boy who walked in and out of his life as fast as the men that took him every night after. And here I was, beating myself up over Reno…

I walked behind, wrapping my arms around his waist as I did so, “I’m sorry Zack…” I pulled him closer, and laying my head on his back…wrapping myself in an alien warmth that comforted me…but at the same time left me empty…

Because it still wasn’t…him…

Zack turned around, his dark eyes piercing into my blues ones, as if searching for the answer to a silent question. He traced his finger around my face…smiling at the fact I didn’t flight at his touch- probably unlike the million other people he had tried to touch. I wasn’t stupid, we have Sex Ed at school….I know something as innocent as a touch couldn’t give me AIDS; and something told me, he hasn’t had human contact in a long time…

So I did the only thing I knew I could do, without going to far…

I pressed my lips against his…

I kissed my sick ex boyfriend…

And I fuckin enjoyed it.

He trailed his tongue along my bottom lip, trying to open my mouth…to taste me…something he hadn’t done in a long time. I opened my mouth, but I wouldn’t give him the opportunity to be on top…oh no…this is my show, and I slipped my tongue into his mouth, dancing a forbidden tango with his own muscle.

After a few minutes of frozen bliss, Zack painfully pulled away from my lips…just staring at me with his old eyes-the eyes I remember. “Why did you do that?” He gasped.

I could only smile at him, “Because you let me…”

“You shouldn’t have done that,” he stroked my hair, “I would never forgive-”

I silenced him with another peck on the lips, “Shut up…you can’t get AIDS from a kiss…you know that as well as I do.”

“I love you….” Crap, “I loved you then you know…”

“I…” I couldn’t say it back, and that killed me, “Zack…”

“You don’t have to say it back…I know there is probably someone else by now, I can see it in your eyes…just…” he kissed my forehead, “Don’t leave me…”

-

Zack and I were tired- him from the pills, me from not sleeping for two nights. We laid on his soft bed, covering our bodies with the soft blankets that decorated his bed. I felt him wrap his arms around my, pulling me closer so I could hear his strained breathing, as I linked our fingers together…it was nice…but it wasn’t right.

We didn’t fit well, like Reno and I did…

But I wasn’t about to leave Zack.

-

And maybe this time it was fate I dreamt about him…

I was walking down the hallway of Zack’s apartment complex, heading for the elevator that smelled suspiciously like dead carcasses. I stood in front of the metal contraption, waiting for it to come up…when my eyes locked on two little children playing freeze tag in the hall way. They looked no more than six, one with fire engine red hair, the other with dull blond locks…they were cute, laughing and running around like maniacs. Heh, I always thought I hated kids but these two…there was something innocent about them…

Then someone had to interrupt their fun- reminds me of the old days- an older man, whose face I couldn’t see, stomped over like a beast, and snatched the red headed boy from his game; grabbing his wrist and dragging him, scolding words raining from his lips. I couldn’t make them out…but from the look on the boys faces it had to have been…

Woah, started to feel a little dizzy there. I grabbed my head, trying to chase away the thoughts rising like bile in my mind. My eyes focused on the little blond boy left stranded…I saw me in him…lost little boy…

He stared at me for a good ten seconds because scampering to the safety of his apartment, slamming the door…

The elevator finally arrived…must have been coming from fuckin’ hell it took so long. I walked into the safety of the four walled piece of metal, happy I was finally away from those two little kids…

God the reminded me of…

“Strife…” my eyes went wide when his voice ran through my head, “You remember me now?”

I didn’t want to look at him…No…it was to scary…

“You know I never meant to hurt you right?” Don’t look at him, “You know I love you right? You know I never wanted to leave you right? But they made me…they forced me…they stuck a gun to my heart and pulled the trigger, and your name was carved into the bullet.”

Without being controlled…my eyes focused on Reno…leaning against the far right part of the elevator…in his Shinra attire, and his head hanging down in defeat. “I wasn’t in love with Tseng, like I was in love with you. I fuckin crashed head first in love when I met you.”

“Reno…”

“Don’t talk, just watch…”

We stood in frozen silence for eternity…when he pulled out a gun…and placed the nozzle to his heart. “Reno…don’t…” I started shaking uncontrollably…tears threatening to spring from my eyes…and jump to their death. “Reno, put the gun down baby…”

“The first time I lost someone I loved, I numbed it with a cut to the wrist…and made sure I survived. You were ripped away from me…now all I can do…” his finger trembled against the trigger… “is die.”

It sounded as if the whole world just ended…a loud bang erupted in the small elevator…shaking its worn doors. He slide down the wall…a crimson trail following him…

There he laid on the ground, a bloody heap of a boy…

Oh dear God…he just died…

-

“Reno!” I shot up from the bed, my whole body shaking like a leaf caught in a deadly wind, tears, like waterfalls, streaming down my face. I just watched my boyfriend kill himself…oh god all the blood, everywhere, his blood on my hands…

I grabbed my cell phone, frantically punching in his phone number- my mind was numb to all logic…what the hell was I going to say to him…

It rang once….I’ll check if he is alive..

It rang twice…. I’ll just listen to his voice…

It rang a third time… I’ll tell him…

It rang a forth time… That I love him…

Then he finally picked it up… “Hello…?”

I didn’t utter a word…just listened to the dead air that was passing through our hears, maybe in some sense waiting for him to say something, other than a hallow hello.

“Cloud…I know it’s you,” he said slowly, “….I probably don’t deserve this call…”

He’s alive…that’s all I wanted to know right? I just wanted to make sure, my dream was just a nightmare and…that he was okay…that’s all I wanted.

“I miss you,” he mumbled.

Who am I kidding?

“I…” But I told him I hated him…I used it so strongly, like I actually believed it for a second, “I love you.”

I quickly hung up the phone, before he could say anything…I couldn’t forgive him just yet, not until I know why someone would go to these lengths; to go so far as drag some kid from California to seduce me…just so they can get enough evidence that I am gay…

God someone doesn’t like me at all.

“Cloud, you okay?”

I looked at Zack through teary eyes… “I’m o fucking kay…” heh, that sounded so fuckin fake even to me.

-

“Are you going to be okay?” Heh, where have I heard that one before? Do I really look that messed up?

“Is should be asking you that,” I laughed bitterly, as I leaned against the door frame, “yeah…I’ll be fine.” I looked down the hallway for the two little children that suspiciously looked like Reno and I, only to find the whole place dead empty, “You going to be okay?”

“Yeah, I’ll live…well I won’t….but I will live through the night,” he chuckled despite the seriousness of the matter…

“Don’t joke like that,” I spat, “I’ll call you tomorrow to check up on you, and then I’ll come by on Saturday to help you around the house, okay?”

“You don’t gave to do that…I-”

I silenced any further objections by pressing my lips against his, “Shut up I want to…”

We said our goodbyes and see you laters, and I made my way to the elevator, half hoping to see Reno. I wanted to see the red head…just so I could tell him how much I love him…and maybe see with my own eyes, if the green orbs I fell in love with matched the hollowness in his voice. But the metal doors opened, and he wasn’t there…no one was there- only tacky wallpaper and bad music.

I sighed and walked in, letting the rickety metal doors to lock me into this future death trap. No sooner did the doors close, did my phone that screaming angrily for me to pick up. I didn’t bother to look at the caller ID- it was probably Vincent calling to match sure I was alive,- so I answered it…only instead of hearing the accusing voice of a vampire…I heard..

“I love you to, you jerk.” and then dead silence.

Then I did something a little crazy….

I started laughing like a maniac…either at the hopelessness of the situation, or the fact that I honestly believed him..

Or maybe I am just going insane.

-

It took three busses and three hours to get home…I swear if I knew it was going to take that long, I would have just called car service. Lucky for me, note the sarcasm, each bus had annoying children screaming bloody murder- “Mommy I want to go to McDonalds”- swear I was about to open a window and throw myself out just to silence the racket…but I wasn’t feeling that suicidal today. Surprisingly. I was beat though, and all I wanted to do was walk through the obnoxious doors of my house, crash on my bed, and take another three hour nap.

However, like I mentioned a thousand times before, God hates me with a fiery rage, so even before I can make to the doors, I see on my stoop…Aeris. Out of all the people in the world, I really didn’t want to deal with her today.

“What are you doing here,” I snapped, walking up to her, “Where’s your perfect boyfriend? You should probably go to him before he gets his panties in a bunch. You know he doesn’t like me, and I can’t say the feeling isn’t mutual. Plus, you have a history with philandering with peoples enemies. You should probably get your cute little ass over to him before he destroys something….” My voice trailed off at the end… “Unless…he already did.”

She was looking down at her pink converses I hate so much, as if trying to cover up the disgusting purple bruise that marred her once perfect cheek. I picked her head up…the festering wound glisten thanks to the tears that cascaded down her face.

“He’s crazy,” her voice, so soft, dragged my eyes away from the bruise to her painful green eyes, “I don’t know what to do anymore…I tried to stop him…I really did…”

“Aeris, what did he do?”

“I don’t know what’s wrong with him…” she linked her fingers together, as if she was going to pray… “I honestly tried to stop him…”

Then her eyes pierced mine… and she said through choking on her tears… “I never seen someone hate another person…like this… I never thought, he could hate you this much…”

Hate me…

“I don't know what you did, sir, but someone wanted to hurt you very badly."

But out of all the people…

“Sephiroth…” But…he…he was the one that ended the friendship- he was the one who tried to kill…

He was the one who tried to kill me when we were fourteen…he was the one during our sword class…he was the one who was trying to beat the living shit out of me with the damn wooden swords.

“Why,” I said sternly, “Why does Sephiroth want to hurt me?”

She shook her head, “I…I don’t know…but he doesn’t want to hurt you, Cloud…”

“he wants to kill you…”