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Chapter 15

I wanted to dream, about something other than pain and sadness. I would even take the painfully beautiful dreams of the boy who left me broken on the floor- but I wasn’t so lucky. Maybe I just created a fantasy, maybe Reno never existed and that is why I can’t see him. It was all a dream…a beautiful dream, every moment with him; I was high on some drug that left me wanting more of him. But he is gone now, and I have to wake up, and face the cruel evil world in the weeks to come, before I die a tragic social death at the hands of the people in my city. I couldn’t wrap my mind around this…why would someone want to do this to me? Who hated me that much? And if they truly hated me, with the rage of a thousand burning suns, why didn’t they just come over and kill me…

I stared out the window of Vincent’s room, my eyes completely dead to the world. I didn’t see anything in this gray world…usually I could find something, some harsh thing out in this place, to compare to what I was feeling. Maybe then I could make sense of this all…these lies and secrets this boy presented to me. But I couldn’t, nothing in this world was this cold hearted. I still thought about a lot of things in this moment, why’s and how’s, but none could be answered.

He was beautiful, Reno Sinclair, he was the most beautiful boy I have ever met. He was deep, passionate, emotional…everything rolled up into one perfect body. I wanted to believe he was still like that, still the boy I fell in love with. I don’t know why, heh, no, that wouldn’t make it easier would it? I don’t even know anymore…

I heard Vincent call my name, in a sad way, like he knew exactly what happened. I think I acknowledged him…because he continued. I think he told me to tell everyone I was gay.

“What…” I mumbled.

“You know Cid, he gets worked up over everything, I think you should tell them.”

“How do you know what they plan to do…”

“Reno called.”

I looked at Vincent for a second, then back at the window…I saw a beautiful Robin sitting on a snowy branch to a tree. Robins…you never see those around Staten Island, they probably don’t like the pollution around these parts. Their beautiful though, so when you see one, you get all happy right? I smiled at the robin…

“Cloud?”

It flew away again…and my smile disappeared…

“What did he say…”

“Told me everything…said he missed you Cloud.”

I miss him…no, I miss who I thought he was. I miss the boy who sat at my lab table that first day, and made references to Tifa’s breast. I miss that boy in the black BMW who wanted someone to talk to, the boy who kissed me in the nurses office, and that boy…who made me scream his name.

I wanted him back…more than I wanted anything in this messed up, crazy world.

“Cloud, Barret knows already, he doesn’t care. Just tell Cid so he doesn’t throw a hissy fit like he usually does when we don’t tell him something.”

Barret knows…he probably thinks I am disgusting for loving another man. A lot of people will be, when they see these pictures Rufus has…they will all hate me. I know it, I have seen it before. They will jump me after school, throw shit at me…look at me with disgust in their dead eyes as I walk into the classroom.

“I don’t know if I can.”

My voice, didn’t even sound like my voice. Sounded dead…like someone took out a piece of my brain, and left me like a talking zombie.

“You can.”

No I couldn’t. I could barely admit it to myself. I was gay…I was gay…What does gay mean anyway, it’s supposed to mean happy but it’s exactly the opposite. I feel miserable, I want to just jump out of this window and end my pathetic excuse for a life before it all tumbles down and crushes me. I want to go away, far, far, away.

I felt his arms around my waist, but my eyes never left the window…the branch…where that robin was.

“I’m not mad at you for dating Reno. I have some secrets I should tell you…and I’ll tell them to you and to our friends. Look, we will do it together, you and me. Well admit it to everyone, your gay…”

“and you?” I looked into his crimson eyes.

“You know who bandaged your arm up?” He asked, brushing some strands of hair away from my face. “Elena did.”

I collapsed to my knees, almost dragging Vincent down with me. My brain lost it, oh my brain was gone.

“He….Reno was here wasn’t he…oh my God I feel him here. You let him in here, you let him see me destroyed didn’t you? You let him come in…you let him see me…you let him know how much he hurt me…”

“Cloud,” he bent down next to me, “If you saw him, if you looked into that boys eyes, you would know…he is unfixable. At least, we-me, Cid, Barret, and Tifa- can put your broken heart back together. We will hold you until you can walk, we will wipe your tears away as you cry, Cloud, we will hurt ourselves if it means you won’t. But Reno, has no one. No one is going to help him…all he had was you.”

I didn’t want to believe that…it would be so much more easier to get over this, if I just thought he was a jerk with no emotion.

“I don’t want to forgive him,” I said.

“You don’t have to.”

I looked back outside, at the robin who returned to the tree. He pecked around, as if looking for something. Just then a blue jay appeared, on the same branch. They looked at each other with their beedy black eyes…and flew away together.

Two different birds…but they looked so beautiful together.

-

“What did you want to tell me now?”

Cid looked at me worried. He saw the redness that stained my eyes from crying, the way my hair was knotty and wet…he saw I looked like I was hit by a bus repeatedly. I felt like I was hit by a freakin’ train.

“I’ve been keeping a secret from you awhile now.” My voice was raspy and forced, something I could tell he picked up on by the way his eyes went wide. I never spoke with this much emotion, not even when Aeris left.

“Yeah, what’s up?”

“I’m gay,” I looked away from him, so it would be less painful when he walked away disgusted.

“Yeah okay, so are you going to tell me who the bastard is that did this to you.”

Umm, wait..

I looked at him, perplexed at his behavior, “Did you hear me?”

“Hell yeah I heard you! This is great, now I can actually punch out the guy,” He smile cracking his knuckles, “Now where’s the bastard, let me at him!”

Well one could imagine my surprise as I stood there, watching my seemingly homophobic friend Cid getting ready to beat up the boy that broke my heart. I guess you could say, I was stunned for a moment.

“You okay?” He said finally, waving his hand in my face annoyingly.

“Yeah,” I said dumbly, “Just thought…you would hate me.”

He laughed and smacked me on the shoulder, “Nah man, I kind of figured it out a while a go. I mean, it isn’t obvious at first, but when you get to know you well enough, you kind of figure it out….and I found those gay porn mags under your bed.”

He started laughing like a hyena, as if this was funny. Okay so in a sense it was, I mean, I could imagine the poor look on his face when he saw my lots-o-dicks magazines under my head…but I just wasn’t in the mood to laugh.

“Yeah right,” I said, walking back into Vincent’s room and flopping on his messy bed- did I mention I don’t want to go home either?

He followed me into the room, “Cloud, I’m sorry.” He ran his fingers through his messy hair nervously, “I will admit though, I don’t agree with it…don’t think men loving men is natural and all-”

“Well it fuckin happens,” I shouted. I didn’t need his “what is right,” lecture…not when I am feeling like this.

“Sorry…” he mumbled, “Come on, though, what guy could make you feel this miserable. You look like death man!”

I didn’t say a word to him; if he wasn’t going to hate me for being insane, he was going to hate me for who I fell in love with. Reno. He hated Reno’s guts like you wouldn’t believe…

“Cloud, who was it?”

“No one…” I mumbled.

For once the boy got the hint, and walked out of the room, but not without slamming the door to emphasis his anger at me. I just didn’t want to deal with this anymore…facing my friends, this pain, being alone now.

Then I remember school- I have to face the boy that broke my heart, the first two periods of school. I wasn’t ready…I couldn’t do it…no…

But I had to, I knew that.

-

“Are you going to be okay?” Vincent asked. I stood in the corridor, looking out into the hallway at the children playing cops and robbers…reminded me of a simpler time.

“That depends. If you are asking if I am going to try and cut myself…no I am not, but if you are asking if I am going to go home and lay my bed like a mush, then yes I am. You don’t have to worry…” I looked at him, “I’ll be here tomorrow, same time…with bells on.”

I could tell he still wasn’t comfortable with me being alone…I wasn’t comfortable, but I have to be strong. Or at least I had to pretend to be strong.

-

I passed his house on my way home, either on purpose or on accident, and stared at the big lying piece of junk. I wanted to go in there, and see for myself if Vincent was right- if Reno was shattered like me…heh who am I kidding? I want to go in there and forgive him. I continued on my way home before I started to break down again; I was tired of crying.

My parent’s weren’t home as usual; doubt they even realize I was gone the entire night. I stumbled to my bedroom in a daze, kicking off my shoes as I entered. I looked around for a second, remembering that last night I held Reno in my arms, in that bed…

Was that real? That moment we shared in that bed…why do I believe it was? I do believe you meant it when you said you loved. Heh, you meant everything you said right? Was that a code, you were trying to warn me. You wanted me to forget all about you, about everything that we had, because you wanted me to go through this easier…you wanted me to think, it was a lie. Oh God, Reno, you are confusing me, what do you want me to do now? Love you or hate you?

Or just forget? N