I was reading through the Survivors Forum and I noticed the question “Would you apply for Survivor 3?” now my first thought was a flat out no, since I would be booted quicker than Larry Flint from a Moral Majority meeting. Then I realized that I didn’t know what location had been chosen for the new show. I have decided that there is one way that I will apply for Survivor…when I see this on the net “Now taking applications for Survivor Three: The Las Vegas Hilton Challenge” Man I would be so in. Now I wonder what the challenges would be on such a show. I’ll bet there would be 10 of them.

1. The Good Taste Challenge. You have to sit through an entire Seigfried and Roy show without snickering, booing, heckling, or yawning. This would be tough, but I am used to zoning out playing Acro so all the smut doesn’t disturb my inner purity.

2. The Buffet Line Challenge. You only get one trip through the buffet line and whatever food you get has to last you the entire day. I would kill at this challenge. I am too lazy to go through the line twice, so I have become an expert at food stacking. I know what foods will shift and slide (tomatoes are the worst) and I know the load bearing capabilities of all you major buffet meats (Ham can hold the most but turkey is more absorbent if you are piling on moist food).

3. The Time Sense Challenge. Since casinos have no clocks, it’s hard to tell how much time has passed. The survivors will be set loose in the casino and they have to report back in exactly one hour. You will not be allowed to ask anyone the time. I figure a woman will win this challenge, as their bladders tend to get full at exactly one-hour intervals.

4. The Snotty Maitre De Challenge. Wearing the usual Survivor finery, you have to get a table at the swankiest restaurant in the hotel. I would win this one by convincing him that I am a crazy billionaire who needs a seat to write his will. Probably get a free meal out of it as well.

5. The Hooker Gauntlet. After 5 weeks at the motel, with no sex, this challenge could be tough. We will be dressed in tuxes or evening gowns, have large amounts of money in our hands, and have to make it by a whole block of the best looking female and male “Escorts”, without giving in to our base instincts. To prepare for this event I will state very early that I am gay, and hope they let me run the male prostitute line. I will probably be able to resist it. I would be the first one out otherwise.

6. The $5.00 Chip Challenge. You are given one $5.00 chip and you have to make it last for 2 hours on the casino floor. This challenge will be tough. You will have to be able to pick out the lucky slots, or catch a break on roulette. Just getting by the cocktail waitress will be the toughest part for me.

7. The Lounge Lizard Test. You have to be able to tell Tom Jones from Englebert Humperdink, or Wayne Newton from one of the 25 Sinatra cover acts. This is a challenge that may favour our more, ummm… “Seasoned” competitors.

8. The Hunka Hunka Burning Love Marathon. 45 consecutive Elvis impersonators, from Korea. The last person to run from the auditorium screaming, “My ears are bleeding” wins.

9. The Grandmother Marathon. You have to get from the front door of the motel, to your room with out anyone showing you a picture of their grandkids. This just might be the hardest challenge of all. The grannies swarm the lobbies and the slot areas. They run in packs like street gangs.

10. The Final Endurance Challenge. Every Survivor show has an endurance challenge. This year it involves an open honour bar and the last person awake wins. My chances of winning this? Yeah, like any American is going beat a Canadian at a drinking contest.