Valentines day. Bah humbug! I know that I am not the only person with that sentiment. For those of us without a significant other (Don’t tell my computer I said that, she’s sensitive) Valentines Day is flowers, cards, kisses, and candies that aren’t yours. It’s kind of what being Jewish at Christmas must be like. I mean, you’re happy enough being single, or Jewish, but man some of those gifts would be nice. At least Jewish people get gifts at Hanukah. Single people need a day right around Feb. 14th where we can buy each other beer and wine instead of flowers and candy, and no one in a committed relationship can receive any. We could call it “No Mom, I’m Not Going With Anyone Yet” day. Who’s in? Sticking with my “romance” theme I think I will do a top ten list of things I have learned about relationships.

TOP TEN PIECES OF RELATIONSHIP WISDOM THAT I HAVE LEARNED.

10. There is absolutely no bigger death knell for a relationship than when one of the people gets the other ones name tattooed on his/her body. I know that there are exceptions to prove the rule, but if I see someone with a name tattooed on them, they are invariably NOT with that person anymore.

9. Sticking with tattoos, if you are dating someone, and they have 2 or more peoples names tattooed on them. You should just face up to the fact that this may not be a permanent relationship. I’m sure that she says she loves you more than anything else, but I’m betting that she thought that at least twice before.

8. Guys, no matter how much you would love to receive a case of beer, some power tools, and a Playboy as presents, women wouldn’t.

7. Ladies, no matter how much you would love to receive a coupon for a day at the spa, roses, and a romantic card as presents, men wouldn’t.

6. Did you ever notice how some of the best songs about love have titles like “Love Stinks”, “Love Hurts”, and “Love Is A Battlefield”? Sorry to say, but that is not coincidence, it’s experience.

5. By the way, if you think my advice sounds a little bitter, check this out: I met a girl once whose mother told her that any man would either bore her, or break her heart. Which in effect means that everyone is either too good for you, or not good enough. I never asked her out, I couldn’t handle the pressure. I was afraid the first time I thought I was boring her; I would panic, say something cruel and dump her.

4. “Lots more fish in the sea.” Well, how many times have we heard that? Turns out that most fish, although shiny and prone to swimming in the nude, are in the sea for a reason.

3. “It’s always darkest before the dawn.” Another piece of advice from well-meaning, dating, friends. It has been scientifically proven that it’s darkest about 3 hours before the dawn. So I am only half way through this night of singleness. Thanks anyway.

2. “There is someone perfect out there for everyone.” Fine, but what if you live on PEI, and Mr. Perfect herds goats in Mongolia? Not that there is anything wrong with Mongolian goat herders, but the odds of you having a love at first sight episode are kind of slim.

1. “If you love something set it free…” This is bad advice. Let’s face it, the person you set free may love you an incredible amount, but if your luck is anything like mine, you’ll let her free on the one day that there is a Mongolian goat herders convention in town, if you get my drift.