Chapter four - His soul-searching

Victor slammed the door of his car so strongly the windows shuddered, He moved his hands through his hair in sheer frustration, He had just come back from seeing Amy’s psychiatrist, despite his better will he was beginning to get impatient with her, his son’s life was on the line and she wouldn’t even let him talk to Amy.

Victor hit the steering wheel with his hand and took a deep breath, trying to calm down, he understood where she was coming from, and he certainly didn't want to hurt Amy in any way, but he was deeply concerned for his son and what might happen to his in prison.

He took another deep breath and then turned the engine on and the car started to move.

He drove quietly, deep into thoughts, he just wanted to get back to the apartment, he was tired and edgy, and wouldn’t be much use at work as the car stopped at a jam next to the cross road he sent a look to the road heading west - the road leading into the ranch, He closed his eyes and let his mind wander... to Nikki.

“Oh Nikki...” He thought to himself “How did our family come to that, where did we go so terribly wrong?”
He inhaled deeply and tried to escape his thoughts, he couldn’t.
His mind wandered to last night, he didn't quite recalled those three, four hours before he ended up at the ranch, he just remembered the ride, the dark thoughts of failure that overwhelmed him.
“I have always gotten my way, always made people listen to me, What good all of that power and all of that success did for me now? My son’s in jail and I am helpless to help him” He still thought bitterly...
 

He couldn’t remember a day quite so hard and quite so painful as the day before.
He never believe the judge would give Nicholas 15 years, he was sure he would take his clean record, good home and take his and Nikki’s heartfelt pleas into his heart - he was wrong, as he has been about so many things regarding his son.
Him and Nicholas's closeness over the few months prior to what happened surprised even him, he felt like he was getting to know Nicholas as his own man and as his son, but yet - he felt like he missed so much, too much “And now I might never have that chance again” He thought sadly.

As much as the hours after the verdict was given were blurry in his mind, he remembered everything that happened later with an incredible vividness...every moment, every second.

He never meant to show his vulnerability to her , to expose his heart and soul to her that way, he never meant for that to happen... He just couldn’t help himself, the soft touch of her hand, the concern in her voice when she saw him walk through the door, knowing that she felt exactly what he did...

He was cold, and exhausted and sad beyond words and when she tried to comfort him, in spite of her own pain - he let his guards down, her soft voice and tenderness touched the things that troubled him, that he felt it was his responsibility Nicholas was in prison right now...

A car horned and Victor noticed the car in front of him moved forward, he pressed the gas peddle and then had to stop again...

But revealing your feelings was one thing, and he wasn’t prepared at all to what happened later, when she walked into the bathroom, the position they were in didn’t even occur to him, he was just so glad she was there, to have someone who completely understood what he was going through and who needed him - and someone he could actually help to, he felt so helpless where Nicholas was concerned, it was up to Amy, and the stubborn psychiatrist.

But what happened between him and Nikki the night before, was more then two parents comforting each other, when she touched him, it was like his entire body went up in flames.

He tried to focus on the road but it was extremely difficult for him, he kept flashing back to that night, her delicate beauty, the tears in her eyes, her soft lips on his, they way she responded to him.... the way she made him respond to her, like no other woman ever could.
That was not a new thing, but he had forgotten how badly she made him lose control.

And Victor couldn’t have that, every time he lost control over his feelings, he ended up hurt.
He shook his head, he never should have let it happen, he never should have lost control like that, over his feelings and actions, especially not his actions, he couldn’t deal with his feelings toward Nikki right now, it was too complicated, so many history and feelings were involved, so many other lives.

“But you can’t get her out of your mind, can you” He asked himself.

Victor remembered the look she gave him after it was over, he knew she as confused, she looked more then confused, she looked ashamed somehow.
He knew how Nicholas being in jail must have affected her deeply, he was her youngest child and she loved him deeply, she looked in so much pain, he could never stand seeing her cry.

“How much of it was just need and how much was something else? “ He wondered out loud.

They both needed someone the other night, he knew he needed her more then ever, but he can’t let that continue - he needs some self control right now, If he wants to help Nicholas.
And he doesn't need to make any stupid mistakes, like the mess he made out of the deal he almost had with Matt - which happened from precisely the same reason he made love to Nikki last night - lack of control over his emotions, and he couldn’t live like that, it was too hard for him to deal with it.

Especially now, Nick was in prison, He was served with divorce papers a few days after Nick’s trail began, his lost too much when he let his feelings get the best of him, that’s why he didn’t stay to talk to Nikki in the morning.

When he woke up she was lying in between his arms, asleep.
Her legs were tangled in his, her head resting on his chest...she looked so beautiful and fragile lying there it made his heart ache.

His feelings for her confused him, and he didn'’t know what to think about what happened between them.
Was it something else beyond need and pain and lust? And even if it was - can they afford to act on it?
Neither of them could deal with anymore pain, and they had both hurt each other in the past, a lot of things always remained unsaid and unspoken between them.

He couldn't deal with that confusion in a straight foward talk with her that morning, he wasn't sure if they could talk only about that, with everything going on with Nicholas.

He knew her too well  - she would want to talk, but he couldn’t work it out with her, not then.

Whatever he decide to do right now, it has to be a rational decision first, and only then an emotional one, there was too much going on now in both of their lives right now, none of them could deal with anymore pain right now, he didn’t like the confusion he felt, the indecisiveness, he always wanted to see the road ahead, and he didn't’ like to be unable to control his heart - or at least his actions.

And he did had that early meeting with Amy’s doctor at 8:00, and he wanted to drive by his apartment first, so he left the ranch around 7:00, he left quietly so he wouldn't’ wake her up, she needed to sleep.
He took his wet clothes from last night with him, and hung his robe to dry.
He had to deal with his pain and feelings first before he talks to her, and he imagined she had to deal with her, and he had so many things to do that morning.
So he left her the note, and left, but even now, 5 hours later he wasn’t even ready to sort out his heart, if anything he was more confused then ever, and if only the memories of last night hadn’t haunted him like that!

He had no idea with what conclusions Nikki would draw from it, he hopes she would understand his confusion, but deep down, he knew he handled it very badly “Hell, I seem to handle everything badly lately”
He couldn’t bring himself to drive to the ranch, to see her right now, he knew he would react to her the same way he did last night, and until he gets his feelings under control and figure out what he is really feels, he couldn’t, he just couldn't’....

He reached the crossroads, sent a look west but headed east, to the apartment.
 
 

“Hey mom, what’s with the bathrobe?” asked Victoria suddenly, he hand was still in Nikki’s lap, but she was no longer crying, she couldn't anymore, and she didn't’ want Nikki to worry about her as well, and tears were contagious , and too painful, and once you started, it’s very difficult to stop.

Nikki, her hand still playing with her daughter’s hair pulled out of the trance, she looked for a quick excuse and said casually “Oh, well, I took a shower shortly before going to bed, and then I was so tired I just fell asleep with it”

Victoria, not suspicious said “Oh, okay... are you sure you don’t want to eat anything?”

Nikki shook her head “No, the orange juice is enough, honey” she looked down at her daughter “feeling better?”

Victoria said sadly “Not much, do you?”

Nikki shook her hands “I don’t think I’ll ever feel better, not as long as your brother is there..”

Victoria asked her “Did you talk to dad, has there been any progress regarding Amy?”

Nikki stiffened again “No, not that I’m aware of”

Victoria did take notice at Nikki’s reaction, set down in bed and asked “Mom, is there something else going on here?”

Nikki said, shrugging “I don’t know what you’re talking about”

Victoria looked at her “You know, like something regarding Nick you are not telling me?”

Nikki shook her head “No, Victoria, I told you all that I know”

Vicki apologized “I’m sorry, it’s just that, you looked kinda weird when I asked you”

Nikki said “I’m just tired, and very sad”

Vicki hugged her “I know you do...” she got up from bed and wiped her tears “well, I think I’m going to work...”

Nikki looked at her with amazement “today?”

Victoria looked at her and said “well, it’s better then staying here, and Ryan started working for Jill,
Dad’s practically MIA and Neil is distracted about something lately, I really needed there, and I can’t help Nicholas... do you want to come to town and grab lunch with me later?”

Nikki shook her head and smiled at her daughter “No, I don’t think so, I... I don’t feel like getting dressed up and go out, and I probably won’t manage to squeeze down anything anyway”

Victoria looked at her “Are you sure?”

Nikki tried to smile “Positive”

Victoria said “Okay... BTW, when do you think they would let us see Nicholas?”

Nikki said “I called the prison, his first visitation day is tomorrow..”

Her voice choked on tears “I can’t believe I’m going to visit my son in prison, it just seem so unreal”

Victoria nodded “I know, it seems unrealistic for me too, I just hope he is being treated well”

Nikki said “me too, I’m afraid that something will happen to him there more than everything”

Victoria hugged her mother for a few moments and then said “I’m going to go, you’ll be okay?”

Nikki smiled weakly and said “yea, I’ll be fine, go to work don’t worry”

She kissed her daughter and Victoria took off.

Nikki got up from bed, and stretched, She walked into the bathroom to wash her teeth and her eyes locked on the shower.

Memories floated in her mind as she touched the glass around the shower, she turned her head away, fighting the memories.. .
She had no idea what to do now, the pain over Nicholas was enough to last her a life time, she couldn’t deal with a pain over what is going on, or not going on with Victor.
She can’t afford this vulnerability - she can’t deal with it, in a decisive movement she started brushing her teeth, trying very hard to forget.