Chapter five - Her soulsearching

Nikki sat next to her night stand, and pulled her hair into a pony tail, she looked at herself at the mirror and took a deep breath, and then buried her face in her hands, choking back on tears.
The pain in her heart ran so deep... she called the prison earlier, Nicholas hasn't approved anyone’s visits - not even Sharon, she tried to get rid of the dislike she felt for her, but it was very difficult for her...
She needed someone to blame and Sharon was the reason Nicholas was in this mess to begin with, she wiped her tears and tried very hard not to think of her, it just made her angry and upset.

She wiped her tears and looked at herself in the mirror in inspecting eyes, she didn’t look that badly, considering she hasn’t slept for the better part of the night.
There were some dark circles around her eyes, and she thought she noticed a line that wasn’t there before but she tried very hard to ignore that.

She closed her eyes again and thought of her son, barely 19 years and locked in some prison with god knows what kind of people, she was deeply worried that something might happen to him.

She looked on his picture that was on her night stand and took it in her hand and held it next to her heart.
She felt so helpless and terrified and extremely lonely, Victor hasn’t called.

She dialed his number and hung up “I’m not going to lean on him again,” She thought, “He knows how to reach me”.
But she couldn’t let go of the image in her mind of the two of them, in each other arms, just a few hours before, she shivered and tried to shake it, but couldn’t.
“Why is that so difficult for me?” She wondered, “And how can I make it go away?”...

In sudden decisiveness she went down the stairs and told Miguel “Miguel, I am going for a ride... If Vi.... If anyone calls, take a message for me, okay? but if it’s news about Nicholas, would you please call the stables and let me know?”
Miguel nodded “Certainly Mrs. Abbott” Nikki went out the front door.
 
 

Brad Carlton was at the office, deep into thought, “Should I call Nikki?”
He wondered, they have been seeing each other for quite a while now, She was charming and funny and interesting and one of the most beautiful women he have ever known and he was falling more and more for her, and he knew how much she loved her son and imagined what a terrible time it must be for her, and he wanted to be there for her, but he couldn’t just go to the mainhouse, there was a problem - Victor.

Brad played with his pen in sheer frustration, Nikki would not let him tell Victor about their relationship and it was beginning to get on his nerves, he didn’t want to hide out from his employer, and he was Nikki’s ex husband for god’s sake, they have been divorced for years now and he wanted him to know so they could progress in their relationship, so he could be there for Nikki, to help her through it.

Now Nicholas was in jail for god knows how many years, and he sure as hell wasn’t about to wait.
He didn’t like the idea of Victor hanging around there night and day like he knew he had, and he had been harassed constantly about it by Victoria, the ever lasting matchmaker.

Nikki asked him for understanding and time and he gave her that, but it was bothering him, he wanted to come by and offer her his support, he was about to leave the office but decided against it, he picked up the phone and called the ranch, Miguel picked about the phone “Newman residence”

Brad swallowed hard and said “Miguel, this is Brad, is Nikki there”

Miguel, not in great affection replied “No sir, she is not”

Brad asked him “Can you tell me where she is?”

Miguel replied “She’s out riding”

Brad said “well, then I’ll stop by and join her, thank you Migu...”

Miguel stopped him “I have the impression she wanted to be alone”

Brad said in annoyance “Okay, then would you kindly leave her a message that I called,. And would
like to see her”

Miguel said “I will sir, if that’s all..?”

Brad sneered “Yes Miguel, that’s all”and closed the phone, Miguel was just another man who didn’t
had much affection for him.
He sighed, he knew he wouldn’t get an approval from the Newman clan  regarding his involvement with Nikki, but he never knew it would be this hard.
He smiled to himself - he can handle them.
 
 

Jack Abbot was reading the morning news, the article about Nicholas Newman verdict was all over the front page.
Jack closed his eyes in pain and took a deep breath, he cared a lot about Nicholas ever since he was his step father, and he knew the boy couldn't hurt a fly.
He never believed it would come to that, he was sure Victor would pull a rabbit out of his hat, and for the first time, he was upset that he didn't.
He felt terrible for Victor, and couldn’t imagine what Nikki must be going through, “Poor thing”. He thought, he grabbed his coat and car keys and walked out through the door to his car, heading toward the ranch to offer his support.

Nikki was outside, riding 'Bluesmoke'.
She smiled a bitter smile, when you are trying to forget Victor, riding his favorite mare wasn’t the way to start.
The black Arabian horse who was trained by Victor ever since she was a little foal was just like her trainer, wild and unpredictable and hard to control, but she could give a hell of a ride and run as fast as the wind, and that was exactly what Nikki needed.

Or not.

She slowed “BlueSmoke’s” pace to a fast walk as the reached the east trail, she never rode fast on that trail, not ever since her fall, she could never quite get over that one.

She breathed the clear air and took a strange pleasure from the cold wind, it suited her mood that day.

She slided her hand over the horse’s back and fought the image that came to her head.
Nicholas was about 6 or 5, and Victor came to the ranch for a ride and took Nicholas to join him, and she joined them at some point, She remembered how cute Nicholas looked riding his horse, 'WhiteStar' - a beautiful, good tempered horse who had a white star on his forehead.

She and Victor were already divorced by then, of course, but she remembered looking at Victor riding BlueSmoke and wanting him with all her heart and soul...
“Did I ever stopped?” she wondered, the images of last night haunting her.

Tears came to her eyes  when she remembered Victor showing up last night after his ride, Melancholy and filled with guilt, how her heart just went out for him.

All she wanted was to warp her arms around him, he was vulnerable to her last night, and she was to him and they acted on it, the question is - was it all it was?

“Did I made the most horrible mistake?” She thought sadly.

Nikki knew that by making love to Victor, she gave her heart to him again, and she wasn’t sure she could give it to him again, she was afraid of getting hurt, she was hurting enough as it is.

All she knew is how right it felt the other night, to stand there beneath the warm water, being in his arms made the pain go away, if only for a few moments, she couldn’t describe the way it felt, like he was holding her heart in his hands, protecting it and making everything all right again.

She knew by the way he reacted to her, her touch, her lips - that he felt the same, she knew that much, she knew him for too long, made love to him far two many times - his reaction to her was unmaskable.
But That was last night, and today....was today.
A
ll she knew is that she wanted him to be there, for her, with her.

15 minutes later she stepped into the ranch , Jack sat on the couch, waiting for her “Jack!”She called out.

Jack approached  her and looked at her with concerned eyes “Miguel let me in, I hope you don’t mind”

Nikki looked at him with a soft smile “No, no, of course not”

Jack asked her tenderly “I heard, How are you?”

Her eyes watered and she said “Not the best..”

Jack hugged her “I know, I’m so sorry Nik, I can’t believe the judge convinced him, let alone sent him
for Jail for 15 years”

Nikki cried “I still can’t believe it, it’s not fair, he didn’t do that Jack, he didn’t!”

Jack held her tighter “I know he didn’t, he never could”

Nikki pulled back and Jack handed her a hanky, she smiled at him tearfully “Thank you, for coming”

Jack smiled her at “I’m just sorry I didn’t come sooner, is there anything I can do?”

Nikki said angrily “Do you know who shot Matt Clark?”

Jack sighed “That kid must have really hated Nicholas to do something like that to him, knowing the real person is on the loose”

Nikki said scornfully “A fight over a girl is the worst kind of fight”

Jack grinned at her “I outta know”

Nikki looked at him and smiled “I guess you should”.

Jack asked her “Speaking of the devil, where’s Victor? I kinda assumed he would be here with you”

Nikki turned away “I assume he is out there, trying to find a new lead, or talking to Amy’s
psychiatrist”

Jack asked “Amy?”

Nikki said absentmindedly “Yea, she was a girl who went with Nick to GC university, they dated for a while, she was found in catatonic state and Victor seems to think she might have the information we need to help Nicholas”

Jack nodded thoughtfully and eyed Nikki, who was looking out through the window “Nik, are you okay?”

Nikki answered slowly “How could I be okay? My son is in prison, how could anything be okay again?”

Jack said “I wasn’t talking about that, Is there something else going on with you?”

Nikki turned to look at him and her chin quivered, she tried to maintain her self-control and said “I don’t know what you mean”

Jack approached her and said “I know you, something else is wrong, beside Nicholas, you know you can talk to me Nik”

she said desperately “Oh god Jack, everything is such a mess, and I don’t know what to do about it!”

Jack held her arms and made her sit on the couch, she covered her mouth in her hand, trying to control
her tears.

Jack asked “Does it have something to do with Victor?”

Nikki looked away and moved her fingers through her hair, looking extremely embarrassed she said “Jack, don’t know If I should...”

Jack told her “Hey, I’ll just listen okay? You look like you could use someone to talk to”

Nikki nodded and said quietly “I know, I do”

she stopped to compose herself “Victor, he was here last night..”

Jack looked at her, not really understanding “Well, so?”

Nikki stopped and looked at him and grabbed his hand “You gotta promise me that you won’t tell it to a living soul all right?, it’s complicated enough without anyone else involved”

Jack nodded in confusion and said “You know I won’t tell, come on, tell me what’s wrong”

Nikki got up and turned away from Jack “Well, he came by, really late, and he was extremely upset over Nicholas, I won’t get into the details, he blamed himself for what happened, I tried to comfort him and I was...”

Nikki played with her hands nervously, trying to explain “I was in a lot of pain myself and...”

She paused, unable to continue, Jack looked at her, still not understanding “Well, that’s perfectly normal Nik, you are Nick’s parents, it’s only natural that you would help each other through that tough time. And Victor should know better then to blame himself, there is a limit to what he can do”

Nikki looked at him with despair “Yes, and when was the last time you tried to tell that to him? He took it very hard and.. and I wasn’t doing a very good job of dealing with it myself and things... things got a little out of control”

Jack asked her “What, did you two kissed or something?”

Nikki couldn’t direct her look at him as she shook her head "No, no... I mean, that too, but it, it was more, more had happened"

Jack looked at her with utter shock “You don’t mean to tell me that you two...”

Nikki nodded tearfully, Jack rolled his eyes in a tired expression “I don’t believe it”

Nikki turned to look at him, “It wasn’t like that, it wasn’t anything we... planned or truly thought of, he was out riding at the rain, I convinced him to at least take a warm shower, I went into the bathroom to hand him a robe, we started talking about Nicholas, we... we each felt each other’s pain so... so much and.. and one thing led to another...”

She started to cry ‘”And I don’t know  what to do now Jack... I truly don’t...”