Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking?

STUPIDITY should be Painful

Jesus is coming, everyone look busy

Lord save me from your followers.

Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're an asshole.

Atheism is a non-profit organization.

And on the 8th day, God sobered up.

Your College Sucks

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person

The Earth Is Full - Go Home

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools

My kid had sex with your honor student.

Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!

I is a college student

I souport publik edekasion

If you think education is expensive, Try ignorance

Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.

You! Out Of The Gene Pool!

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

You must be from the shallow end of the gene pool.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

He who laughs last thinks slowest

If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Never get into an argument with the schizophrenic person and say, "Just who do you think you are?"

When she told me I was average, I figured she was just being mean.

Hire the Handicapped...Were fun to watch!!

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult

The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name

I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To

It's Been Lovely But I Have To Scream Now

I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere

You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die.

I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.

Kill 'em all. Let God sort it out

Protected by .357 Magnum 3 days a week. You guess which 3

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

Fight crime - Shoot back

Ever seen an UZI fired from a car window?

Cover me. I'm changing lanes.

Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For 70mph.

Clear the Road I AM SIXTEEN

He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit

I got this motor home for my wife. Best deal I ever made

Hang up and drive.

I'm just driving this way to piss you off.

This is Not an Abandoned Vehicle - on an old, rusted-out car with 2 plastic bags taped over where the rear windows used to be, parked in a shopping center.

If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over..[Seen Upside Down, On A Jeep]

If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.

Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ASS?

If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you

Don't wash this vehicle - Undergoing scientific dirt test

My other car is a broom.

My Wife's other car is a broom!

I SWERVE to HIT People at Random!

I brake for no apparent reason

I don't brake.

Warning! I brake for hallucinations

Don't laugh, your daughter may be inside

Honk If You Want To See My Finger

Honk if you love me

Honk if you’re horny

Honk if you are just a honker

Honk all you want, I'm deaf

Keep honking, I'm reloading

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Honk If Anything Falls Off

Horn broken - watch for finger

Nothing to lose

Don't follow me, I'm lost

If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

Talk is Cheap - until you hire a lawyer.

Forget the Flag. Burn a Politician.

I love my country. It's the government that pisses me off.

Don't be stupid. We have politicians for that.

Nothing political is correct.

First Hilary, then Jennifer - now us

Do you trust a government that doesn't trust you with guns?

Dole for Pineapple.

Buy American while there is still time

The road to hell is paved with republicans

The road to hell is paved with democrats

Empty the prisons - Make room for congress

I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

Save Your Breath ... You'll need it to blow up your date!

So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute.

I need someone really bad...Are you really bad

WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

I'm shy, but I have a big dick

500,000 battered women and I'm still eating mine plain

Nice guys finish last and bring you breakfast in bed.

Are you into casual sex, or should I dress up?

You'll need to know my name. You'll be screaming it later.

I lost my virginity, but I still have the box it came in.

I can hold my own. But I'd rather hold yours.

The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.

Wink, I'll do the rest!

Will work for food - Will beg for sex

Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Discourage Inbreeding - Ban Country Music

Boldly Going Nowhere

Metaphors be with you

Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch

Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

Unless you're the lead dog, the view doesn’t change

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

I love cats...they taste just like chicken

Dogs think they're human. Cats think they're gods.

Save the Dolphins. What did the cows do wrong?

Help wanted-telepath: you know where to apply

I still miss my wife, But my aim is improving

A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle

Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times I let him/her sleep.

Help! I Farted and can't roll down my windows!

What if the whole world FARTED at the same time?

What part of "No" don't you understand?

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film

When all else fails manipulate the data

A day without sunshine is like, night.

Love thy neighbor, but don't brag about it

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?

Avenge Yourself - Be a problem to your children

When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

Why be difficult - Be impossible

I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

Make the world a better place; kill a bigot

The first boat people were white

God created Whiskey to keep the Irish from ruling the world

When I grow up, I wanna be just like Barbie. That BITCH has EVERYTHING!

Wanna get laid? Crawl up a chicken's ass and wait!

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

I Have The Body Of A God... Buddha

Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway

If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?

Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

When there's a will, I want to be in it!

Been There - Shit Happened

Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!

Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the June Flower.

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal !

Visualize Whirled Peas

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.

We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.

Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.

Procrastinators Unite!... Tomorrow

Dyslexics Untie!

I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

My reality check bounced

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Of all the things I've lost I miss my mind the most

Are you stoned or just stupid?

I gave up drinking, smoking and sex - Worst 15 minutes of my life

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory

If the music's too loud you're too old

Subvert the Dominant Paradigm

My karma ran over my dogma

Chicken Little was Right!

Born to Shop

We're Spending our Kids Inheritance

If you're rich, I'm single

I want to die in my sleep like grandpa. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car!

Montana -- At least our cows are sane!

According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist.

Friends don't let Friends drive Naked.

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

Puritanism: the haunting fear that someone somewhere may be happy.

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.

Auntie Em, Hate you; Hate Kansas; Taking the dog. --Dorothy.

Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.

I am not a bum - My wife works

I am not unemployed I am a consultant

I'm out of bed and dressed, what more do you want?

Don't Start With Me. You Know How I Get.

A good day is when the shit hits the fan and I have time to duck.

Give me coffee and no one gets hurt.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!

Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician

Humpty Dumpty didn't fall...he was pushed.

Life is a sexually transmitted disease.

All you need is a sick mind and a healthy body.

Every time I find the meaning of life, they change it.

Oh sure. But what's the speed of dark?

What's another word for Thesaurus?

Don't miss today worrying about tomorrow.

I think therefore we have nothing in common.

With my life I could be on all of Oprah's shows.

Computers help us to do stupid things faster.

Welcome to California. Now Go Home.

Don't Californicate Oregon.

My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom

GROW YOUR OWN DOPE, PLANT A MAN

All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

All men are idiots....I married their king

The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips

BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Contemplative Considerations

How is it possible to have a civil war?

How do I set my laser printer on stun?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Is a castrated pig disgruntled?

Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

What happens when none of your bees wax?

Where are we going? And what's with this handbasket?

If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?

If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

And, whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?

Some Interesting Thoughts

The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.

I live in my own little world, but it's ok they know me here.

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, Implants?

I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just standing up really fast.

Sign In Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea...

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

I got a sweater for Christmas... I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead's.

If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes,.make Bloody Marys. But if it deals you a truckload of hand grenades...now THAT'S a message!!

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect.

I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she's been giving me lately!

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was asalted.

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

The next time you feel like complaining, remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world.

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been