July Jokes
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A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."
The Following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."
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Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge.
They set themselves before their computers and began. They typed furiously, lines of codes streaming up the screen, for several hours straight.
Seconds before the end of the competion, a blot of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show what he has come up with.
Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out."
"Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better." Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers.
Satan is astonished. He stutters, "B-b-but how? I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact! How did he do it?"
God chuckles, "Everybody knows...Jesus saves."
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The old Pope dies and goes to heaven. He's met by the reception committee and after a whirlwind tour of the establishment, he's told that he can enjoy any of the myriad recreations available. He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient, original texts of the Holy Scriptures, and spends the next eon or so learning the languages. After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in the library and begins to pour over every version of the Bible, working back from the most recent 'Easy Reading' to the original script. For ages, his scholarly studies keep him quietly absorbed, until one day, all of a sudden there comes an almighty scream from the library. the angels came running to him, only to find the Pope huddled in a chair, crying to himself, and muttering despairingly, "An 'R'! They left out the 'R'!" God takes him aside, offers him comfort, and inquires what has distressed him so. After collecting his wits, The Pope sobs again, "It's the letter 'R'...the word was supposed to be CELEBRATE!"
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There was this Christian lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her business so she did a lot of flying. But flying made her nervous so she always took her Bible along with her to read and it helped relax her.
One time she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible he gave a little chuckle and went back to what he was doing. After awhile he turned to her and asked "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?"
The lady replied "Of course I do it is the Bible." He said "Well what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale? She replied "Oh, Jonah. Yes I believe that, it is in the Bible." He asked "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?" The lady said "Well I don't really know I guess when I get to heaven I will ask him." "What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically. "Then you can ask him." replied the lady.
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The elderly pastor was searching his closet for a tie before church one Sunday morning. In the back of the closet, he found a small box containing 3 eggs and 100 $1 bills. He called his wife into the closet to ask her about the box and its contents. Embarrassed, she admitted having hidden the box there for their entire 25 years of marriage. Disappointed and hurt, the pastor asked her, "WHY?" The wife replied that she hadn't wanted to hurt his feelings. He asked her how the box could have hurt his feelings. She said that every time during their marriage that he had delivered a poor sermon, she had placed an egg in the box. The pastor felt that 3 poor sermons in 25 years was certainly nothing to feel bad about, so he asked her what the $100 was for. She replied, "Each time I got a dozen eggs, I sold them to the neighbours for $1."
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A man who had been quite a boozer and ran with the ladies, passed away. His wealthy brother said to the Minister: "I hope you won't be too hard on my brother. In fact if you would refer to my brother as a Saint, I'll make a $10,000 donation to your church." The Minister said he would have to think about it. At the funeral service, the Minister said: "We all know that Charlie was a terrible boozer and was unfaithful to his wife, but compared to his brother here, he was almost a saint."
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A Rabbi went to the barber shop. After his hair cut, he got ready to pay the barber and the barber said, "No Rabbi, I don't charge the clergy for haircuts." So the next morning the barber found a loaf of Jewish rye bread outside of his door step. A couple of days passed and a Catholic priest came in to get his hair cut. He got ready to pay and the barber said, "No Father, I don't charge the clergy for hair cuts." So the next morning he found a bottle of wine outside his front door step. A couple of days later the Baptist preacher came in to get his hair cut and when he got ready to pay the barber said, "No Reverand, I don't charge the clergy for thier hair cuts." So the next morning, the barber found 15 Baptist preachers on his doorstep, ready to get their hair cut!
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The strongman at a circus sideshow demonstrated his power before a large audience. Towards the end, he squeezed the juice from a lemon between his hands. He then said to the audience, "I will offer $200 to anyone in the audience who can squeeze another drop from this lemon. A thin scholarly looking man came forward, picked up the lemon, strained hard and managed to get a drop. The strongman was amazed. He paid the man and asked, "What is the secret of your strength?" "Practice," the man answered. "I was the treasurer of the Methodist Church for thirty-two years!".
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