I wish I had a faith because I want to pray for him. God, please don't take away yet another person I love.

And so my life goes on. I'll never understand why things happen like this, especially to me and those whom I love. There are no words anyone can say to change anything or stop the pain, and I'm wondering what I can do a year from now or in 20 years. Though I've never had faith, I now have the curiosity and need to find out where he is and how to get there myself. Fear and pain have taken over my life, and because of one sick f@#$. I finally had something...we finally had something, and it was taken away in the most gruesome, horrific and terrible way. Saying that it's just not fair can not do justice to the anger I have. I don't know what the next steps are, but I need to continue on I suppose. I feel unstable, like I've lost control. I just wish that for one last time I could've seen him. One last chance for me to kiss him goodnight. I don't know how I'll ever get to see him again, or if I ever will, but I'm waiting for that first dance we never had.

I have nightmares sometimes, or I start thinking about Max and his cute, perfect little body.......I get really nautious and angry and I cry.....I can't imagine how I'm supposed to go on. I get so annoyed at everything and everyone. It still feels like a movie, like it's all to terrible and unimaginable to be true. Max will just pop his head around the corner, grin and chuckle and make some extremely clever joke....

All I have are memories, and I've relived them so many times that they've almost lose meaning. I remember being in the office with him one afternoon. I said I had left my drink in my room. Later he went to the cafe, and he came back with a diet coke. I didn't even ask him, and he knew what my favorite drink was. And at the comedy show I mentioned that I had a guitar pick from every show. Afterwards, he found one and gave it to me. He stayed to clean up after that show even though he didn't have to. Why is it that I can spend my whole life wondering about love, too scared. And when I finally find it, it's take away from me like this? It's not fair to Max. What did he do to deserve this kind of brutal end? Not only do I miss him like there's no tomorrow, but having to think about his cute, perfect, sweet and gentle face and how it's not here. I'll never see him again. So many things I never got to do.

We're having a major thunder storm now, and although I'd usually be hiding under the covers right now, I'm conforted by memories of Max. It was that night we played with his camcorder. We shot part of your film that day. I held the umbrella for you, and you let me wear your hat. And after we went to Friendlys, we went to the office with Rachel and Ryan. I guess our whole "Fear" take-off didn't work. But truth-or-truth was fun. I thought I was beein pretty obvious when I said I'd prefer to be handcuffed to you. When the two of us were alone on the unispan, I really wanted to say something. Could you tell? It was fun watching the video we made that night. I like how I kept jumping when it thundered. I told you I was scared of storms. But it's not as scary anymore because I know that you're somewhere making sure I'm safe. After what you had to go through, I think I can face anything, if it means being able to see you again.

I thought they said this feeling would fade eventually. Well, it's still here. I feel the same. I'm even more in love with Max now, the more I think about him. Even though I've thought about him so much and relived all our times together over and over again, every now and then I recal another memory. Like at the comedy show on April 5. We were all sitting on the brick railing in USA. Max was up there, but the wall was kinda high, so I was having trouble getting up there. He took my arm and pulled me up. I have all these short clips of memories that repeat a million times in my head. Playing "I Want It That Way" on the baby grand in the student center theater and him coming in, complimenting me. Playing ultimate frisbee. Throwing stuff out the office window that rainy day during spring break. Falling asleep on the train back from the city so many times. Laying our legs across each others while we sat and talked.