This Sunday I have to fly to Albany, which entails a long drive to and from Big City on either end of the flight. "There is no one else free to go, and besides the meeting concerns what your job encompasses," said the boss. My legs cannot take another flight cramped up in those pitiful small seats. And my psyche cannot take another scramble for a plane, finding a taxi on the other end, another night in a hotel, a long meeting, then another scramble for taxi and plane, and the long drive home alone in the dark. Gad!
8:45pm And now there is at least two inches of snow on the ground; groan! And the drive home from Big City was miserable: 45-50mph on the Thruway, white outs on the back road home. What do you say NOW, little irises?
Come on, now, little downy woodpecker. Stop running up and down that old lilac branch, looking so busy and intense and cute. I'm trying to be depressed, here. I have that old blanket, you know, that I cautiously peak out from under every so often. And there you are, making me smile.
And you, little rosy purple finch. What do you think you are doing at the birdfeeder? Where do you get off, brightening the landscape and perking up my day? Cut it out! How am I supposed to enjoy this gloom if you are happily zooming around my porch, eating up the birdseed?
Oh no! There, in the front garden, are miniature IRISES, in BLOOM. And I can feel my stony face cracking into a broad grin. It's definitely not fair! I had to have a tooth rebuilt for $145 this morning, and I have that long drive to make, and the temperature is dropping so that this misty rain will turn to snow before I get home. I DESERVE this depression! STOP MAKING ME FEEL LIGHTER, BETTER, and like throwing off the stuffy, grey, heavy, damp blanket!
Oops! There, it slipped from my head and off my shoulders. Wait a minute! Those shoulders were slumped and tight. What is this straigther, lighter feeling in them? And why is my head held a little higher? Don't tell me! I'm afraid I'm losing the gloom. Darn. I was just getting cozy in that old wet blanket. And here I am; back out in the world. And the world is beginning to bud, and swell, and is very certainly pregnant with...dare I say it?...SPRING!
Good-bye gloom and doom. Hello light and bright. Glad to have you back. (The extra sleep didn't hurt, either)
10:04 AM
I'm taking a minute before the dreaded dentist appointment to try to put some thoughts together. I have felt the dark blanket beginning to drop over my head for the last several days, and I believe it is just exhaustion. It's worth exploring, however, because I cannot ever ignore that feeling. I know from experience that I cannot just "buck up", or "count my blessings", when the darkness threatens me. Those cliches just press down and threaten to suffocate me.
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