Trigger Alert!
This page
may be a little disturbing to some, so if you are under 18, or somewhat vulnerable
right now, please do not read this.
Do you want
to know WHY we SI?
Some reasons here.
I
want to say something about Self-Injury (SI) to those who do not know what it
really is. I have been going to some SI chats recently, and am shocked to see
all the young people there. By young, I mean, 14, 15 years old. Some kids have
said it was "ok" to SI, since "everybody" is doing it. IT IS NOT OK. If you are
self-harming, you need help! I only told my doc about my SI in October, 2000 and
I have been doing it for 20 plus years.
I have many scars, and I used to be ASHAMED for some people
to know what I do. Most of my friends IRL did not know. But within the past
few months, I have gradually come out about it. Most of my family did not know
until recently. SI is usually a part of other illnesses, or can be attention
seeking behaviour. It can be an Obsessive-Compulsive symptom. For me, it is
my way of dealing with my emotional pain. I wish I had asked for help sooner.
My kids ask me about the scars, and the fresh cuts and burns, and I am embarrassed
to tell them. I do not do this because other people do it. It was not heard
of when I started, at least it was not out in the open. I have OCD, bipolar,
borderline personality disorder, panic disorder, bulimia... the list goes on.
Then I have the urge to SI. I cannot always help it. So, whatever reason
you may be doing it, if you are self-harming, telling someone might help. Having
at least one person to confide in is helpful. I chat with other self injurers
on a daily basis, and we give support to each other. I cannot
remember a time when I did not want to harm myself. I believe I was about ten
years old when I finally did intentionally cut myself. I took an earring
out of my jewellry box, and cut it into my face. When my parents asked, I told
them the cat scratched me. The reason I attacked my face as a child was I felt
ugly. The face was a regular part of my hatred until I was about 18 years old.
Before that, I had banged, tried to break bones, bitten and scratched myself (since
I was 5). I also took large doses of medications when my parents were not looking,
which resulted in my mother keeping Ipecac in the house.
The first time I cut my wrists, I was 15. My mother was devastated. When I
was younger, there had been a suicide in the family. (I will not go into further
details, to protect the feelings of all involved.) She sat me down and asked
why I would feel bad enough to do such a thing. I remember telling her, "I am
ugly, and no man will ever love me or marry me. I want to have children and
I never will."
Of course, Mom told me I was beautiful and would find someone when I was old
enough. What else is a mother to say to her daughter, who is crying out for
help? I then made my mother promise not to put me in a "mental hospital". She
did, and she asked me to promise not to hurt myself again. Unfortunately, neither
of us was able to keep our promises, although my mom held out much longer
than I did.
Maybe my parents thought they were doing me a favour by not getting me help.
Maybe they did not think it was serious, or they may even felt that if they
ignored the behaviour, it would simply go away. (My mum told me recently they
thought it was a "phase" and would go away on it's own). This is common for
parents to think.
But, it did not go away. In fact, the more emotional pain I suffered, the more
I wished to do something drastic to myself. It was as though the physical pain
I inflicted on myself cancelled out the emotional pain I was already in.
A few instances really stand out for me. One was when I cut my wrists, and
my father became furious with me. He asked me if I was on drugs. When I said
I wasn't, he took me in the bathroom, made me look at my wrists in the light,
then ran tepid water over them. This made them bleed even more, which frightened
me. Then he bandaged my wrists, told me I needed to stop doing this, and I tried,
I really did.
When I was 23, I had another instance that stands out for me. My kids were
living with my mother (I only had Natasha and Victoria at the time) and I was
very sad and lonely. I was living with a man named Glen, whom I had met at an
NA meeting, in a small trailer. I had been to an NA meeting that evening, and
a woman had really upset me, by making comments about me taking clonazepam,
to stop the seizures I was having from my medications. I took a very sharp knife,
and cut deeply into my arm. I told everyone that I had walked into the closet
and cut myself on a sharp piece of metal. I still have the scar, it is terrible,
as I never had it looked at by a doctor, for fear of being hospitalized. People
ask about that scar, and I am usually honest, but it is still embarrassing.
Last month, I had a few neighbours say some nasty things about me. I live in
a townhouse complex and the rumours spread like wildfire. Although I knew these
things were not true, I got very upset. I put my hand on the broiler in the
oven, and burned the top of my hand about 6 times. The next day, it was very
infected and I would not go to the hospital. The scars are still red and look
horrible. My doctor of course noticed the burns and did not mention it, as he
knows I get very defensive about these things.
I promised to never harm myself again in October of 1997. Last year, I began
again. I had made a promise to my psychiatrist, and to my husband, Curtis. I
kept that promise for over two years, and I wish I had the willpower. I think
the Prozac helped a bit, but now I am on Paxil, which I do not like at all...
so I am going to ask the doctor to change it back.
It is now a few months later, and I am back on Prozac. Paxil made me a "zombie",
and it got worse with the Lithium. So, I started on the Prozac and I am waiting
for it to work. I am so impatient, I don't know if I can wait a whole 6 weeks
for it to work. In the meatime, I have cut myself numerous times. Now, Curtis
wants me to tell the doc about my SI. I don't think I can. And, my health nurse
wants me to tell him about the SI and bulemia. I have "I hate me" carved into
my thigh as I write this. Thank God, it is September, and rather chilly here,
so I don't have to wear shorts.
I tried to cover it up a bit with make up, since I wear shorts around the house.
Then, I had a great idea. I could use something, maybe my curling iron, to burn
it, then the words wouldn't show! No, I have not done it. I hope I will not
either, but it is tempting. Thing is, I can't just harm myself like that. I
can't tell myself, "Ok Cari, it is time to burn your leg, let's so to it!" It
is always an emotional thing, and angry time, or sad time when I do it. So,
I guess I will have to ride it out, with hateful words on my leg.
I used to pull my hair out a lot. I don't know if that was an SI thing, or
an OCD thing. But, I had a nice little bald patch happening, and it sucked.
People would ask why I was losing my hair, and I would tell them I had no idea.
I sometimes look at my scars, and remember why I did what I did. That brings
up unwanted memories, and I wish I could go and get the scars removed. They
are ugly physically and they hurt me emotionally. But I am glad to have them.
Weird, I know, but they tell me, "Cari is a survivor". I made it through each
predicament with only a scar, and still had my life.
I told my doc last week that I SI. He has referred me to a psychiatrist. He
told me that the reason I may have started again was that the Paxil was not
controlling the obsession to harm myself, as the Prozac had been. Hopefully,
the Prozac will work for it again this time. All I can do is wait! But I have
not harmed myself in about 3 or 4 weeks, so that is encouraging!
I am finally beginning to find what triggers me to injure myself. My anger.
I get so angry, I just want to hurt myself. So, I commence Anger Management
in March, 2001. I hope it works, but if not, I will be able to say I at least
tried! My Triggers and Why I Think I SI
Why SI? Go here to see some reasons we Self-Injure
