Trigger Alert!
This page may be a little disturbing to some, so if you are under 18, or somewhat vulnerable right now, please do not read this.
Do you want to know WHY
we SI? Some reasons here.
I have always wanted
to know why I self injure. I know it does not actually matter, in the
scheme of things. What does matter is I feel horrible enough to harm
myself.
I know my main trigger.
Anger. I know I do not feel in control of it. But where do the anger and the
rage come from? Nothing bad happened to me when I was a child. I was not hit,
or sworn at, or touched inappropriately. My parents were good to me. I was loved,
well fed, and lived in a beautiful home.
I am now beginning
to realize, however that I was always led to believe I should not display my
anger in front of others. My father had a bit of a temper, but if he got angry,
he went for a walk. My mother was subdued and quiet. She also happened to suffer
from terrible migraines, so yelling in the house or crying loudly was not a
good idea. So I kept the anger in until I could handle it no longer. I would
then bite or scratch myself, at the tender age of 5.
When I was 2 1/2,
I had a severe head injury. A four inch linear fracture of the skull. This may
play a role in my mental illnesses as well. Then, at the age of 5 I had two
eye surgeries to correct a condition called strasbismus. Many self injurers
have gone through abuse, serious injuries, surgeries, as children. I was abused
by a nurse in the hospital before surgery the first time I went in. Could this
be part of it?
Then again, it may
be the fact I have never felt "special". I was the oldest daughter, I was ugly
and awkward. I have never truly been able to tell my parents what is going on
with me. I could not even tell my mother when I began my period. I waited a
whole year! I did not tell my parents I was pregnant with Jessica for 6 months,
or about being pregnant with James for 5 months. I never really felt my mother
liked me much. I know she loves me, but I swear she merely tolerates me. Of
course, this is simply paranoia on my behalf. The important thing is I do truly
know she likes, cares about and loves me.
