One candle against the dark is sometimes all the
light we need to see
Few things in life can be as traumatic as learning one
is HIV-positive. Although now, at least in more developed nations,
such a diagnosis is no longer an automatic death-sentence, it still means
facing a lot of changes. Too much stigma is yet attached to HIV and
AIDS, meaning a gamut of emotional trials. And, while HIV is becoming
more a manageable condition, there are nonetheless physical alterations
necessary for maintianing good health.
When dealing with HIV or AIDS, one of the first things
a person will realize is that there is a lot of information out there.
Keeping informed is essential. Sometimes, it can seem a daunting
task to sift through it all. Fortunately, there are many people doing that
very thing - sorting through the information for the facts. Being an HIV+
person who tries to keep informed, I thought I'd post the useful information
I've come across in an attempt to make it just a little easier for others.
For people who are HIV+, it is important that we take
an active role in our options and treatment. Having a good doctor
is important, but we need to know the facts, too. Research in anti-viral
drug therapies and homeopathic options is cutting edge and changing practically
every day. It's up to us, as individuals, to find out all we can
so that we can be active players in our treatment.
Another important thing for HIV+ indivivuals is the necessity
of keeping a healthy attitude. Health is our primiary concern with
this, and mental health and well-being is every bit as important as physical
maintenance. Don't try to go it alone. Involve yourself in
activities that keep your mind fresh. If you feel you need the services
of a counselor, there are agencies out there that provide such services
to HIV+ people. Do whatever it is you need to do that will help you
keep a healthy attitude.
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One of the questions I get asked most often is, "How can you be HIV+ while your partner still tests negative?" I wish I had a clear answer to that question, but I don't. However, I do know that there are many similar situations, where one partner is positive and the other negative. However, that is no reason to become complacent. My partner and I no longer try to figure out why our situation is what it is - we only accept it for that and do what we must.
TWO YEARS OF KNOWING, TWO YEARS OF GROWING There are days when I struggle
to understand why I have become one of the many
Even as I think of those
questions, I see how much the tone of the asking has
Now I just wonder sometimes
how this fits into my life. I can hear the arguments of some. I have
HIV because I wasn’t careful. Because I was afraid of it. Because
there is something in this life I’m supposed to learn and HIV is a way
toward learning that lesson, whatever it is. Because . . . because
. . . because. True, I caught the virus through unprotected sex -
guess I wasn’t careful enough. Yes, I
And, I’m a firm enough believer in faith and spirit to accept that there is something I have to learn. I will never accept the logic or accusation that I have HIV because I’m gay. Sexual orientation has as much to do with AIDS as apple seeds have to do with growing oranges. To those who maintain that ignorant posturing, I have only pity - for their denial of the truth leaves them open to a devastating wake-up call. Still, the questions come sometimes. Sometimes the fear that I may have passed it on to someone. I take the necessary precautions, but no safety measures are 100% effective. That leaves me the option of abstinence. Being realistic and aware of how I am, that isn’t going to happen. So, the risk remains a reality I have to face. Occasionally, I still get
angry. I’m never sure why, though. Am I angry at myself
There is also the sporadic
descent into depression. It almost inevitably follows the
A lot has changed since that day when I learned there was a new truth to my reality, the day I learned I was HIV+. In many ways, I’ve learned a lot about living, having come face-to-face with my own mortality. But, sometimes, the questions creep in. I might send a birthday card to one of my young nephews - and wonder if I’ll still be here when he graduates in a few years. Or, when I have to face telling someone, and run the risk of being rejected because I carry so small a thing. There’s always the not knowing, and that can carry a heavy weight. It’s then that I need to
think about all the good things in my life.
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