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I understand that sentiment so well. My mother and I never reconciled, but I still grieve for her. That's how I know that my children will grieve for me, but I ask that they try not to grieve too much for me. Instead ...
The following is an email exchange between me and a guy my kid's age. His mama is dying, and his grief is beyond bounds.
Danny: My mom had a chemo treatment a couple of weeks ago, one that ordinarily doesn't have side effects ON MOST PEOPLE. Didn't work out that way for mom, made her sick as a dog. She was very adamant that she wouldn't take another one of them--took her back to Dr. Friedman this past week and he said he didn't blame her for not taking it if it made her that sick. He is just going to continue to treat her as Dr. Chung did--check her (cystoscope) about every three months and burn off with a laser any that he finds.Judy: Jesus, you know our needs; and I know that you will provide what's best in Your Will. But still ... it's hard to see our loved ones in pain and worry. I hate it. Yet, I will trust You. That's all I can do. That's all any of us can do. Please be with Truman and Danny. As bad as it is for the patients, it is even worse for them. They are both kind men. I know they feel so helpless. Please hold them close. I ask these things in Your Name and by the Power of Your Blood. Amen
Danny: I read your sweet prayer to my mom and I think she was crying when she left the room--she doesn't do that much, at least not where I can see her.
Judy: I cried myself when I read this about your mama. It may help you to understand WHY she was crying. She was not crying for herself. She was crying for you, her child. She can't stand the thought of leaving you alone without her.
I feel the same way. I get so sad and also cry when I think of how my children will react when I am dead and gone. It's really going to be hard on some of them to not have my love and stabilizing effect.
I learned when I was young that the older you get, the more precious life becomes. What I didn't understand is that it's precious because of our loved ones, not because of ourselves. I couldn't care less about staying alive for ME. I just hate it that I have to leave my children alone.Danny: Thank you, Judy. Yes, I am quite sure that was probably what it was since my mom is not a whiner or complainer. I came in the other day and she had been talking on the phone to her oldest sister who lives down in Georgia. She was crying then and she NEVER cries in front of me, well, almost never. I am the kind of person who starts hurting BEFORE bad things happen so just thinking about something like mom not being here really hurts. I try not to think about it. I know she will be better off--she will be where there is no pain and sorrow and be with my dad again and I know she misses him. I miss him too but I don't know what I will do without mom.
Anyway, thanks, I can't talk about this any more.
God Bless you.
Wow - what a profound statement. Think about it.
"To not think of dying, is to not think of living."
(Jann Arden)
The below poem reflects how I feel about my own longivity of life
and my promises to KerBear, Bicker, & Vincent
that I'll try to stick around for a few more years.
The woods are lovely, dark and deep,
but I have promises to keep,
and miles to go before I sleep,
and miles to go before I sleep.
(Robert Frost)
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