Note!!

This is something that I had on my old website, and it's something that I've decided to carry over to the new one. Why? Mainly, because it's a good dissertation on the preliminary steps that one should take if one desires to gain ultimate power. Plus, with my eventual plan to subjugate and dominate the planet - and, eventually, the universe - I'd like history to record that I actually had this plan in action for a long time.

Those of you who have a problem with me declaring myself Emperor, well... you'll be taken care off soon enough. Believe me. :)

My Ultimate Goal

I've always felt that it's good to have something to achieve to. I mean, George W. wanted to become President. So he finagled his way into Pennsylvania Ave, and good for him. He set his goal and he achieved it. Plus, his daughters are HOT. And let's look at, oh, I don't know, Jim Carrey. He said, "I'm gonna make ten million dollars by acting in a movie." And guess what - he did. Way to go, Jim. My friend Josh wanted to become an architect. Guess what? He's an architect. My sister wanted to buy a Jeep - she bought a Jeep. Oprah said, "I'm not gonna be this fat anymore." And she slimmed down.

Ok, maybe Oprah isn't the best example I can use, because she can't stay svelte for more than eight minutes, but hey, every time she looks in the mirror and decides she's had enough of being a tubby, she sets a goal to slim down and she does. Go, girl, go.

What I'm trying to say here is that everyone should have a goal, and everyone should try to aspire to it, no matter what it is. My friend Howie, for example, has set a goal for himself to become a millionaire by the time he's 30. I have every confidence in him successfully achieving his goal. So I've decided to set a goal for myself, in the hopes of achieving it sometime in the near future.

What, you may ask, is my goal?

Well, I'll tell you...

My goal is to become

The Emperor Of The Universe

Ok, so it might be a little bit more of a lofty goal than others, but hey, it's a goal, and I'm working towards it.

Since I've embarked on my journey to become overlord to everyone in existence, I think it's wise for me to log all the activities I plan on doing to allow me to continue on my quest. It's not every day that a soon-to-be-Emperor has his own website, and is willing to share the secrets of his ascention to power, you know, so you all might want to take some notes here. This'll be important.

Soon-To-Be-Emperor Nick's List of How To Become Emperor

1. Change your appearance to conform to that of the initial society you which to usurp.

This is important. Your first impression is the one that's going to last when you meet people, so you might as well make it good. Come on, now. Ever see a picture of Bill Clinton hanging out with long-ass hair, a scraggly beard, ripped jeans, and a "Kill 'em all, let God sort 'em out" T-shirt? Nope. Never will, either. You know why? Because Bill Clinton is smarter than that. He knows that the people in power aren't gonna give him the time of day if he's dressed in anything but a navy-blue power suit and yellow paisley power tie. So he conforms. Once you conform to the initial society you intend to usurp, and gain control of it, wear whatever you want. Hell, it doesn't matter if you stick with the blue suits, wear a long, kingly robe, or wrap yourself up in cellophane. Soon, no one will care. You will be Emperor. Remember that.

NOTE: This is not to infer that I have a grudge, dislike, or anything else of the sort to people who wear articles of clothing akin to the ones I've mentioned. Some very good friends of mine have wardrobes that consist of nothing but ripped jeans and concert shirts. This doesn't make them bad people, it just means that, at this time, they're inappropriate candidates for seats of political power.

2. Ignore History

Take a look at some past would-be Emperors; Hitler? Failed. Dead. Napoleon? Failed. Dead. Japan? Failed. Still alive, but financially unstable. Russia? What Russia? See what I'm talking about here? All these empires are gone and over with. Learn the mistakes that were made by the people in power and make sure that you don't repeat them (i.e. What the hell was Hiter doing when he was looking for all those ancient religious articfacts, anyways? And hadn't he heard of preparing vehicles for the winter?).

They say that history repeats itself. I say that those who fail to learn from history are doomed to repeat its mistakes.

3. Consolidate your power. Make appointments.

It's always important to trade favors when you're trying to secure a good power base. Whatever someone asks you to do, do it, because then that person will owe you something down the road, and you never know where that person will be in ten years. Yeah, they might be dead, but they also might own Viacom or something equally important. So make sure that you keep track of everything owed to you, because there will come a time when you have to cash it in.

You also should, at this time, make some pre-Empire political appointments. You'll need favors done for you as you claw your way over the political hacks to the big chair: remember the little people who helped you along the way. I've already promised, for example, my friend Joe the Ministry of Nudie Bars, my sister the Ministry of Finance, and I'm seriously considering my friend Bill as Minister of Religion. I've also given my friend Jeneane the country of Australia (she'll be Baroness Jeneane, so watch out) and my friends Dave, Dave and Tom have some more sinister appointments in my regime. (This obviously means that I have a lot of ministries still open - anyone interested can email me). Remeber, if you scratch their backs, then somewhere down the road, they'll scratch yours.

You can see more of this down the page a little at the Imperial Appointments section, where I've made a list of my future Ministers.

4. Gain control of the media.

Probably the most important step you can take in your quest to dominate the universe. Remember the Bolshiveks? Yeah, those seventeen guys who happened to get their hands on a radio station way back then? Yep, just 17 guys managed to take control of the entire country that was to become the USSR, that huge superpower. I'm sure this is causing some of you to go, "Hey! I remember them!"

Seventeen guys.

One radio station.

Total control.

Any questions?

5. Keep the masses ignorant.

The worst mistake that any monarch/ruler/emperor has made, it seems, is to give the people intelligence. This is the absolute LAST thing you should do when you actually ascend to power. When people gain intelligence, they gain sense of what is right and wrong, and once that happens, all your carefully-laid plans of domination and conquest can be torn asunder by someone claiming to work for the 'good of the people' or other such nonsense. Bah. The people, no matter how intelligent they become, will NEVER realize that you are the only one who knows what is best for both them and the universe, and that they are totally unqualified to make decisions with such far-reaching ramifications, like, "Should we go to war with this planet?" or "Should I raise taxes to pay for more health care?" or "Hey, I think the people will really enjoy this skin flick. Let's broadcast this one!" Thus, it becomes infinitely easier on you to keep the people under your thumb utterly ignorant and stupid - that way, they won't surge up against you in a revolt (only to be killed by legions of your precision-trained warriors).

6. Combine Church and State. Declare your own Divinity.

This some what goes along with "5. Keep the masses ignorant." If you rule the universe, then the leaders of whatever patsy religion that may be lurking under some rock will invariably start spreading vile falsehoods about your conduct, your moral character, and your presence of mind. There are two ways to avoid this. The first way is to kill everyone who opposes you, but that gets messy and creates martyrs, and they're just a nasty thorn in your side that you can't really be bothered with when you have the fate of hundreds of sentient races in your hands. So what's the other way? Start your own religion and declare yourself God. This worked really well for the ancient Egyptians, who had thousands upon thousands of slaves killed without a revolt. How'd they pull that off? Easy - their 'God' the Pharoah said, "You must die for me." and all these lemmings dropped to their knees waiting for the sword to fall. And that is what you ultimately need - lemmings. And people will follow a god far more readily than they will some politico flunkie.

7. Be ready for your actual grab for power.

You never know when you actually will be declared Emperor. It could happen in some regal ceremony held at high noon on your birthday, or it could be a phone call in the middle of the night saying "Hey, Frank's dead. You're the big cheese." So be ready. Have a list of laws that you plan to repeal ready, and have a list of laws that you plan on instituting all set to go. Here's some of mine:

- All country music will be banned. Punishment for violation: death.
- It will be mandatory for all companies to institute a Nudie Bar Hour in addition to a lunch hour. Punishment for violation: loss of ownership of business.
- All post-1972 Chevrolet automobiles will be banned. Punishment for ownership: confiscation of vehicle and assignment of 1983 Ford Escort for a period of 1 year.
- All non-prescription drugs apart from alcohol will be banned. Punishment: death.
- Smoking bans will be repealed. Anyone caught harassing smokers will be dealt with in the harshest possible way.
- Anyone caught worshiping false gods and not paying homage to the one true god (me) will be made an example of.
- There will be no voting for political office. Punishment for attempting to organize a vote for political office: death.


And so on. There's more, but I don't want to give all my secrets away. Something has to be a surprise.