"The truth is, I don't know. Even pacing ahead can mean trouble for Todd. Almost every time he remembers something and makes a disclosure he becomes overwhelmed and regresses or switches or goes into a dissociative state. With Todd there is always the danger of another conversion disorder."

"Conversion disorder?" Bill didn't understand.

"Like his blindness, it's what most people know as psychosomatic conditions. The interaction of the mind, 'psyche', and the body, 'soma.' The broader category is called somatoform disorders and conversion disorder is one of them. They are things like psychogenic vision or hearing loss or sudden paralysis. Todd can just as quickly lose his hearing or his ability to walk as he did his vision. I always have to be careful of how far I push him. Patients don't usually experience these disorders for as long as he has. He has a very strong need to punish himself and an even stronger fear of looking at what happened."

Bill sighed. "So what are you planning to do for him?"

"I plan on changing his meds for starters. Sam and Viki are freaking out because of the potential for side effects and I can't really blame them. I'm not sure how much more they can take. They each have their own issues to deal with. Then there's Téa, Blair and Kevin. They are always at each other. They have long-standing conflicts and some new ones. Both Blair and Téa love Todd and I believe both of them are hoping he will come back to them when he is well."

"Whew!" Bill whistled. "Man! Even without being mentally ill that can be hard on a guy."

Susannah smiled. "As my grandmother would have said, 'that should be his only problem.' I am hoping that I'm just feeling discouraged and maybe he is heading for some progress. Tom was out when I left. He was sleeping soundly and since they haven't called or beeped me I'm assuming he's doing well." Susannah rested her head on Bill's shoulder. "I could sleep for a week."

"Why don't you curl up on your couch for a while. I'll sit guard and you don't have to worry about sleeping so deeply that you won't hear the phone or your beeper," Bill suggested.

"Like I said . . . a man who anticipates my every need." Susannah had been afraid of that and Bill had realized it. Susannah headed for the couch and kicked off her shoes.

"Mind if I use your computer? I'm checking out some online realtors too."

"Be my guest," Susannah told him. Her voice was already sleepy.

"Yeah. Doesn't hurt to let these Llanview real estate agents know I have a few irons in the pot." When Bill got no reply he looked toward the couch. Susannah was already asleep. Bill looked around for a blanket and didn't see one. He covered Susannah with his coat and went back to his house hunting.

*****

Tom had not woken up for hours. For the past hour his sleep had become restless. Viki was with him. Sam had gone to the family lounge upstairs, on the psych unit, to take a nap. He was going to spend the night in the ICU so that Viki could spend it in the lounge where she could get some decent sleep. Viki was using the phone at the nurses station. "No, he didn't take the news well . . . he lashed out at us and then went inside . . . No. Actually he asked to go to Goodone. Susannah helped him . . . Yes, so do I, for now . . . Kevin, there is no point in you coming here . . . Honey, Tom was the last one out. Perhaps it's better if you don't come here . . . I know, but here in the ICU is no place to discover what his problem with you is . . . Yes, sweetheart, I'm fine . . . Yes, I had dinner and I'll be sleeping upstairs tonight . . . Tell editing I want them to have both articles ready by tomorrow . . . Yes, she left here about three-thirty and she was headed there . . . No, she hasn't. I think she said something about meeting with some clients tonight . . . Yes. So do I. She's missed Starr so much . . . Honey, I'm sure. You should try to get home early and get some sleep yourself. You shouldn't be working this late . . . Goodnight, sweetheart . . . Me too." Viki hung up the phone. "Thank you," Viki said to the nurse at the desk.

Viki sat next to Tom. She noticed his eyes moving rapidly under the closed lids. He moaned in his sleep. "Shhhh. It's all right, baby," Viki whispered in his ear and stroked his head. He suddenly sat straight up. He was gasping for breath. "Sweetheart, what is it?" His eyes were filled with terror. Perspiration beads appeared on his forehead. The monitor was going crazy. His heart rate was one-twenty.

Two ICU nurses rushed over to the bed. "Todd, you're in the hospital. You're safe." One of the nurses assured him.

"It might not be Todd," Viki whispered and then asked, "please get Doctor Hanen. She's in her office." The other nurse nodded and asked a third one to call Todd's psychiatrist.

"Todd, is that you?" Viki asked. He didn't respond. His eyes were glazed over and his breathing was becoming even more erratic. He held both hands to his throat.

"Todd, I need to take your blood pressure," one of the nurses said. She tried to pry his hand away. The attending showed up. "I can't get vitals on him unless we restrain him," the nurse said to the resident.

"No! Please wait for Doctor Hanen to get here," Viki pleaded. "I think he is having a nightmare. He is prone to them." The ICU staff did not feel comfortable with this. They wanted to assess him now.

"I didn't take it. I swear!" he cried out.

"Didn't take what, sweetheart? It's all right. No one thinks you took anything. Baby, you're in the hospital. You're safe. It's Viki. I'm right here with you."

Todd inched his way until he felt the headboard at his back. He raised his knees to his chest and cowered against it. He was becoming drenched in perspiration. His chest was so tight, wheezing sounds were emanating from his throat. He looked up and then ducked his head as he saw the shining buckle end of the belt coming at him. He lurched as he felt it cut into his flesh. Over and over again he lurched.

Bill picked up Susannah's phone on the first ring. "Hold on. I'll get her."

"Susannah. Susannah!" Bill shook her. Susannah looked startled for a second. "It's the ICU," Bill informed her. He handed her the phone.

"I'll be right down," Susannah said into the phone and handed it back to Bill. She hurried to put her shoes on. "Todd or whomever woke up in the throes of a nightmare," Susannah quickly explained. She hurried out of the office. Bill stayed behind. He would head down there later.

When the elevator didn't arrive quickly enough, Susannah took the stairs. She ran down the four flights.

"I DIDN'T TAKE IT!" she heard Todd scream as she entered the ICU. She heard the monitor and looked at it. She saw his heart rate was way too high.

"We haven't sedated him. His sister says he has these kinds of nightmares all time. Right now he really needs some help in calming himself. We have to do vitals on him," the attending stated.

Susannah turned to him. It sounded like Todd. She wasn't sure. She saw Viki looked pale and frightened. "It'll be all right. I think you're right. He's having a nightmare. I don't' think it's his heart." "Todd, it's Doctor Hanen. We know you didn't take it. It's all right. I want you to try to slow down your breathing." Todd ducked his head and lurched again. He had curled up into a trembling ball. "Todd, you're having a bad dream. I want you to wake up now!" Susannah spoke firmly. Susannah heard the familiar involuntary cry and immediately knew Todd was going into another seizure. They quickly pulled him down from the headboard and turned him on his side. Todd seized for three minutes and twenty-seven seconds. Then his body rested quietly. His breathing returned to normal. They did vitals on him. His heart rate and blood pressure were near normal as was his respiration. They started to clean him up.

Viki grabbed Susannah's arm. "Is he going into status epilepticus again?" she cried.

"I don't think so. There is no indication this was anything more than a single seizure. Shhh." Susannah rubbed Viki's back. She saw that Viki was trembling. "Come on, let's go outside and sit down."

"No! I'm not leaving," Viki insisted. "What if he starts having another seizure!"

"We'll be right outside and can be back in here in seconds. Viki, come on." Susannah gently tugged on Viki's arm. "They have to get him cleaned up." Viki hesitated for a moment and then allowed Susannah to lead her to the waiting area right outside the ICU. "Viki, is Sam in the lounge on seven?" Viki nodded. "Okay, stay here. I'll be right back. I'm going to ask them to get Sam down here." Susannah was back in a minute.

"Are you sure he's not having status epilepticus again? It started with a single seizure last time too." Viki looked desperately at Susannah.

"I can't say for sure, but status epilepticus is not common. Having more single seizures is. Viki, we told you there is a chance he would continue to have seizures until he's at therapeutic level with the Dilantin. Stress can trigger seizures and the nightmare may have been the cause. Most seizures are not a sign that he is going into status epilepticus. I know what happened last time is fresh in your mind and you are terrified right now, but panicking every time he has a seizure is not healthy for you or for him."

Viki started to calm down a little. "What if he does start having multiple seizures again?"

"We are prepared. Todd is still on seizure precautions. If that should happen the staff knows how to handle it. He will be given the same meds he was given last time. This time we know what is causing it. We know Todd does not have anything life threatening causing the seizures. If he continues to seize we will stop it. He'll be okay." Susannah's voice was calm and steady. Viki continued to calm down.

A disheveled Sam hurried off the elevator and ran to Viki. Viki fell into Sam's arms the minute she saw him. "He had another seizure. He had a nightmare and then a seizure," she cried.

Sam held her tightly. He looked at Susannah. "What does this mean? Is he worse? Is he having the same thing he had yesterday?"

"Most likely, no," Susannah replied.

"MOST LIKELY!" Sam shouted. Susannah repeated what she had told Viki. "So, you're saying it's normal for him to be having a seizure under the circumstances?"

"No. Having seizures is never normal. I am saying that it is not unusual and nothing to become frightened about, under the circumstances. His vitals returned to normal very quickly. The seizure followed its stereotypic path. Meaning it is almost identical to the first one Todd had."

"Did he have that aura first . . . the odd taste and smell?" Sam asked.

"He probably did. He was not coherent and may not have noticed or couldn't say if he did. The aura is actually a simple partial seizure. What Todd is having is a partial seizure with rapid secondary generalization . . . meaning it started in one part of his brain and rapidly became generalized . . . affecting the whole brain. It led to the tonic-clonic seizure."

"Do you think we should call Téa and Blair?" Viki asked Sam.

"No. We can't alert the whole family every time he has a seizure. If, God forbid, it becomes serious again, we'll call them," Sam responded. Viki nodded in agreement. "Is he going to be in that postictal state for a while?" Sam asked Susannah.

"Yes, it may not be as long as last time because he went into status epilepticus last time. Also it may differ because I believe it was Todd who was out this time and he may react differently than Thomas did."

"Will this delay his stay in ICU?" Viki inquired nervously.

"Not if it remains a single seizure and he's stable. There is no reason for someone who has epilepsy to even be hospitalized, unless there are complications. He will not have to go to a step down unit this time. He should still be able to go back to his own room tomorrow."

Sam and Viki were relieved to hear that. They would be more relieved when they were sure this was definitely a single seizure. "Can we go back in and see him now?" Sam posed.

"Let me see if they are finished cleaning him up," Susannah declared. She headed for Todd's bed. She came out a couple of minutes later. "He's all clean and doing well. His vitals are good . . . come." Susannah held out her arm and then stepped back to allow them to walk ahead of her. Todd was on his left side. The cardiac monitor beeped in an even reassuring rhythm. Viki looked up at the IV. "It's only dextrose. He is not getting any IV anticonvulsant," Susannah assured them.

Sam kissed Todd's forehead. "You're gonna be fine, Boomer. I promise."

Viki took his hand. "We'll keep you safe, sweetheart. You don't have to be afraid."

Todd moaned softly. It had only been twenty minutes since his seizure ended. His eyes fluttered open. He reached out and felt the padded side rails. "What?" He was confused.

"Todd, it's Doctor Hanen. Can you hear me?"

"My head hurts," he moaned. His words were slurred again, only not as much as last time. "My hand and leg feel funny." He said slowly.

"What do you mean by funny?" Susannah pressed.

"Like they fell asleep."

"They feel numb?" Susannah restated.

"Yeah, numb," Todd confirmed. Sam and Viki exchanged looks. "I'm really tired. Tell Briggs I'm going home for a while," Todd commented. He closed his eyes and fell asleep.

"Susannah?" Viki looked frightened.

"He's fine. He's confused and that's to be expected."

"Why are his arm and leg numb?" Sam questioned.

"That can sometimes happen. It should go away soon. It does seem that Todd is experiencing a slightly different postictal state than he, or whoever that was, experienced last time. Of course that may have been because of the status epilepticus. It also might just be that the alters and Todd experience seizures as differently as they react to medication."

"He seemed more alert when he woke up this time," Sam observed.

"Yes, he was. He was also calmer," Susannah confirmed.

Bill came down to the ICU. Susannah told him Todd was had another seizure and was doing all right. Bill went in to say hello and offer support to Sam and Viki. They were happy to see him. He patted Todd's shoulder. "I hear you're doing great."

"Yeah, he's a fighter," Sam commented. The sadness in Sam's voice belied his words.

Bill could tell he was terrified for his boy. "If either of you need anything, anything at all, you know you can call me anytime," Bill told Viki and Sam. They both thanked him.

"I'll walk you out," Susannah offered. "Thank you for the dinner and the nap. Both were very much appreciated," Susannah whispered. She kissed Bill goodnight.

"Pleased to be at your service, Doctor Hanen," Bill gently stroked Susannah's hair. "Is he really going to be all right?" Bill asked.

"I don't think he's going into status epilepticus again. Just in case I think I'll . . ."

"Spend the night on my couch," Bill said along with her. "Do you want some company? Someone to listen for the phone or beeper?" Bill offered.

Susannah loved having someone to depend on that way. At the same time it made her uncomfortable. It had never been the way she lived her life. She never needed anyone for anything. Not even when, during her internship, she had broken her ankle skiing. She refused all offers of help or an easier load. She hobbled around, but she did her job. Expecting nothing less from herself, she did it in her usual top-notch fashion. "Thank you, Bill. I'm fine. That nap did me a world of good. I think that even if I fall asleep I won't have any problem hearing the phone or my beeper. There's no point in both of us spending the night in the hospital." Susannah could see that Bill was actually a little disappointed. "Not, that I wouldn't love your company," she added.

Bill realized that needing him might be causing her to panic a little, so he pulled back. "That's okay. If you change your mind I'm just a phone call away."

"Don't tempt me, Commissioner Jackson. Don't tempt me."

Bill took her hand. "Call me in the morning."

"I will. I'm really looking forward to meeting your children," Susannah remarked. The elevator came just as Susannah got those words out. She sadly watched the door close.

*****

Téa looked at the clock on the wall of her office . . . ten-twenty. Her last client had just left. She was dead tired. She sat back for a few minutes and thought about her visit with Starr. It seemed unreal that, after all this time, she finally got to be with her little girl again. She could not get over how Starr had grown and progressed in school. She hoped Blair would relent and allow Starr to have more visits with Todd's side of her family. Téa knew how important it was to feel a part of family. She wanted that for Starr. She wanted that for Todd and she wanted that for herself.

Téa sighed. She longed for the hot bath she planned on taking when she got back to her hotel room. She gathered her things and turned out the lights and headed out the door.

"Hey Téa!"

She looked up, startled. Kevin's car was parked right in front of her storefront office. He was leaning against it. "Kevin, what are you doing here?"

"I saw the light and it was such a beautiful night I thought you might like to enjoy a little of it," Kevin proclaimed.

Téa took a second to look at the sky. It was crystal clear and hundreds of stars appeared to sparkle above her. "I hadn't noticed. It is a lovely night," Téa agreed.

"Have you had anything at all to eat?" Kevin inquired.

"I stopped for a frozen yogurt on my way here from the penthouse."

"I would love to hear all about your visit with Starr and I just happened to hit the mall before it closed and I have some great cheese, bread and salads . . . not to mention a bottle of a very nice wine. I thought we could go to the park and have a bite and you could tell me how Starr is doing. Then I could bring you back here to get your car."

Téa was tempted. She really was eager to tell someone all about her visit with Starr. She had hoped to leave early enough to go to the diner and tell Carlotta. Unfortunately, by now, the diner was closed. She knew Carlotta had to be up at the crack of dawn to open for breakfast, besides, Téa was tired she wanted to get home, call the hospital, have that bath and get to bed. "Thanks Buchanan, but I think I'm going to hit the sack early. It's been a hard day . . . wonderful, but hard."

Kevin reached into his car and pulled out the fresh, crusty bread. He held it under Téa's nose. "I haven't even told you about the dessert yet."

"I'm really tired Kevin," Téa said. She hesitated and asked. "What did you get for dessert?"

"Tiramisu." "Oooh. You don't play fair, Buchanan. All right. One hour. I mean it Kevin. One hour! I really want to get home."

Téa filled Kevin in on the latest news about Todd. She told him about Rocky. She told him about the things that Peter taught his son about women.

"Yeah, I remember the Neanderthal attitude Todd had toward women back in college. I always thought Todd was being such a jerk, and he was. I just never knew why. That son of a bitch! Even when he was being friendly to Todd he was destroying him. Man, Todd is so messed up in so many ways. I wonder if he'll ever be all right. Sometimes it just doesn't seem possible," Kevin stated sadly.

Even though she had wondered the same thing, this was not what Téa wanted to hear. "Not only is it possible. It will happen. Todd doesn't need that kind of an negative attitude, Kevin!"

Kevin heard the anger in Téa's voice. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to sound negative," he apologized. Then he felt he had to add, "you have to face reality, Téa. The white picket fence and all that goes with it may not be in Todd's future."

"Don't you think I know that! I don't care. As long as Todd gets well enough to come home, I'll take him any way I can get him. I won't allow myself to be abused, but I don't expect wine and romance every day either. I know Todd will most likely always have problems that most people don't have. I will help him through them." What Téa didn't add was that she knew, in his own way, Todd has and would help her work through her own problems as well.

Kevin had been so wrapped up in his conversation; he did not notice the black Honda that had been following his car. He didn't notice it pull into the park's parking lot shortly after he pulled his car into a spot either. Kevin and Téa were surprised to see they weren't the only ones to desire a late night picnic on this beautiful spring night. There were a few other people out enjoying the night.

Téa hadn't realized how hungry she was. As she was polishing off second helping of bread and her third helping of cheese, she could not contain the excitement in her voice as she spoke of Starr. "You should see her. She is so beautiful. I think she's going to be tall, like Todd and Blair. She's as smart as a whip."

Téa and Kevin laughed over some of the clever things Starr had said and marveled at the little girl's wisdom. At one point they toasted the child. "To Starr," they both said, raising their glasses. Téa's eyes became sad. She wished it were Todd she was discussing Starr with. She wished it were she and Todd laughing over the cute things Starr said, instead of laughing with Kevin. She also knew that any happiness Starr felt was tempered with the sadness she felt over missing her father. Kevin noticed the change in Téa's mood.

"What is it? Téa?"

"She misses him so much, Kevin. I can see the sadness in her eyes. I know Blair is doing a good job with her. I can admit that, but the light in her eyes that was there when she was with Todd has vanished. I think she understands a lot more than we're giving her credit for. She hides her feelings like Todd does. I'm worried about her. She told me she always thought all daddies were as loving to their children as Todd is to her and Andrew is to River. Now she knows differently. She shouldn't have to know that. At her age she should still be able to believe that this world is good and safe." Téa started to cry. Kevin put his arms around her.

Jerry Skinner smiled as he stood behind a tree. He made sure you could see the romantic setting of the park in the background, as he had made sure with the pictures he had taken of them eating, laughing and clinking their wine glasses together. He took a few more pictures. 'Ahh Téa, Kevin, you're making this too easy,' he thought to himself.

TO BE CONTINUED