"Did Niki go after Joe?" Susannah inquired.

"Nooo. She did not. She went after his best friend, Vinnie Wolek, Larry's brother. She was able to do with Vinnie what I wanted to do with Joe. Niki hated Father. She saw right through him. She was able to be that silly and stupid kid that I never got to be."

"You said that you and Joe were able to have a mutually enjoyable sex life. Do you still see it that way?" Susannah pressed.

"When I first met Joe I was very inhibited. As I told you, sex was not something that was ever mentioned in my home, let alone discussed. Father sent us that message loud and clear. Joe was patient. Somehow he got the message across to me that it wasn't bad or dirty or improper. I was able to forget . . . no I guess a better word would be overcome the message Father gave me. Yes, I do still see my sexual relationship with Joe as mutually satisfying. I loved being held by him and kissed by him and I loved sharing that intimacy with him. Sometimes, in Joe's arms, I forgot everything else. I discovered a part of me I didn't know existed. Oh, I didn't lose all my inhibitions the way Niki did, but Joe brought out the best in me."

"Were you able to achieve orgasms with him?" Susannah asked straight out.

Viki blushed. Susannah had never asked her that in any of their previous sessions. She knew that these sessions were not going to be easy. "Yes, some of the time. That wasn't always that important to me. I wanted the sense of being secure in who I was that Joe gave me."

"Why do you think having orgasms wasn't important to you? Didn't you enjoy them?" Susannah pushed.

"Of course I did. It's just that . . . that was . . .” Viki looked down at her lap. Tears slowly rolled down her cheeks.

"That was something you felt with your Father," Susannah verbalized Viki's feelings for her.

Viki held onto the arms of the chair as she began to speak again. "Orgasms," Viki was uncomfortable saying the word, "were something that always left me with an odd feeling afterward. Not while Joe and I were actually making love . . . later. Later I felt as if I had somehow acted inappropriately. I felt that I was somehow being disloyal to Father. Little did I know how close to the truth that was. It wasn't much different with Clint."

"Was Clint a lot like Joe?" Susannah inquired.

"In some ways. Joe was a good, honest and caring man, like Clint. Clint could be a little overbearing at times. It is kind of the 'my woman' attitude he gets from Asa. Joe was happy to see me fly. He wanted me to be anything I wanted to be and go in any direction I chose. Also, Joe was the first mature love of my life. That is something that can never be duplicated. Now, there's Sam. He's a definitely more like Joe than like Clint. Sam is kind of a free spirit . . . a throwback to the hippies I guess?" Viki smiled as she thought about Sam.

"Viki, you said that you were eager to have a sexual relationship with Sam. Now you had already had problems with Clint at this point. Did you think that it would be different with Sam?"

"I did. I really did. I hadn't thought about it since the problems with Clint and I did have those few sessions with Mary Hayes. She even had me look at a rather graphic video. Which, by the way, Jessie ended up finding." Viki laughed at the memory and continued. "I really thought I was over what Father did. At least as over something like that, that one can be. I feel love for Sam. I respect him and I really liked him, as a man and as a friend. At first it was Todd's illness that brought us together. Then we discovered we enjoyed the same things . . . the same kind of books and movies . . . quiet dinners in small restaurants. We both wanted to be in a relationship again. Sam was never happy with his wife, Lindsay. He only stayed in that marriage for his children. I knew that I was not going to be getting back together with Clint. We both wanted to make a home for Todd. You know that Sam dreams of the day we can bring Todd back home. Do you remember how happy and excited he was at Christmas . . . buying all those toys? He was like a new father bringing home his son. I desperately want things to be right between us. Sam deserves it and so do I."

"Do you ever get the feeling that Sam is pressuring you?"

"Oh heavens no. Sam even told me not to go to these sessions out of some sense of needing to please him. He wanted to make sure I wanted this and was ready for it." Viki informed Susannah.

Susannah was not surprised. From everything she knew about Sam she would expect this reaction. "Do you feel as if you are letting Sam down and disappointing him?" Susannah posed.

"Yes. Of course I do. Sam wants a full relationship and he can't have that because I am the one he is in the relationship with."

"Tell me what happens when you and Sam start to make love," Susannah explored.

Viki squirmed uncomfortably. "As I told you, I want to be with Sam. I love being in his arms and kissing him. I love the smell of that organic after shave he uses."

"At what point do you start feeling uncomfortable?"

"Susannah, I don't just feel uncomfortable. At first, I feel frozen. It's like that part of me died once I remembered what father did to me. Then I feel like I want to escape and get away as fast as I can. I feel panicky at the thought of it and . . . and . . ."

"And like a you are doing something wrong. You feel like that dirty, nasty little girl you felt like when your father made you feel good," Susannah helped her express her feelings again.

"Yes," Viki whispered. Then in a louder voice she said, "I never understood that until yesterday. But I do feel like I am doing something wrong . . . like I am hurting someone."

"Whom does it feel like you're hurting?" Susannah probed. "I don't know. Susannah, I don't know." Viki looked at her watch. "We've been here for nearly an hour and a half. Shouldn't Todd be awake soon?"

"They will call me as soon as Todd starts waking up, but yes, I think you have had enough for one day. I would like you to think about my last question before our next session. Also, one other thing, you spoke about Joe and Clint and then Sam. What about Sloan? You seemed to skip right by him. Was there something about the way you felt about Sloan that you would rather not think about?"

Viki was caught off guard. She hadn't even realized she had done that. She let her mind drift back to Sloan for a moment. She felt a chill run up her spine.

"Are you all right? Susannah asked.

"Yes, I'm fine," Viki lied. She really didn't want to talk about Sloan or anything else right now. She wanted to go to see Todd.

Susannah wasn't fooled. However she saw that Viki needed a break. "So, let's go see if Todd is waking up," Susannah suggested. She patted Viki's arm. They headed for Todd's room.

*****

Terry was with Todd and Sam was back and in Todd's room too when Viki and Susannah got there. Sam stood up when he saw them come in. Viki came over and kissed him. "Everything okay?" he asked anxiously.

"I'm fine. Susannah and I had a long session and everything's all right. Are you okay? Is everything at your office taken care of?"

Sam was able to sense that Viki did not want to talk about her session right now. "Yes. Everything is fine, no problems," Sam assured her.

"I was going to call you soon. He's starting to come around," Terry informed Susannah.

"Yeah, he's been trying to move around. He's been moaning a little for the past fifteen minutes or so," Sam added.

"Todd! Todd, it's Doctor Hanen. Can you hear me?" Susannah lightly tapped the side of his face.

Todd slowly opened his eyes. He tried to reach out as he usually did. His wrists were held down by the restraints. "Viki, Viki," he called out softly.

"I'm right here sweetheart." Viki stoked his arm.

"I can't move my arms," Todd whimpered. They noticed his words were slow and a little slurred.

"There are restraints on your wrists, Todd. Try to relax," Susannah spoke gently.

"Restraints?" He sounded confused, but calm.

"How are you feeling?" Susannah asked.

"I'm real sleepy," Todd responded. Todd felt like everything and every thought was in slow motion.

"Todd, can you tell me where you are?" Susannah began to assess him.

He thought for a full minute and then answered, "hospital."

"That's right, sweetheart. "You're safe in your own room at the hospital," Viki comforted.

"Todd, can you tell who just spoke to you?"

After another long pause, Todd answered. "Viki."

"Very good, Todd. Yes, that's Viki. She's standing right next to your bed."

"Todd, can you name three objects?"

Todd took even longer to respond to this. Just when they thought he wasn't going to respond at all he slowly said, "book . . . car . . . chair."

"That great Todd. You're doing very well," Susannah praised him. She wanted to observe him for a few more moments before she ordered the restraints removed. She knew how quickly Todd could escalate.

Todd moved his head around, as if he were trying to sense something. "It's dark. Is it night?" he asked.

"No, Boomer. It's almost noon."

"Hi Sam," Todd called out calmly. He tried to reach out to Sam. He forgot what they told him about the restraints.

"I think we can remove the restraints," Susannah announced. She released his right wrist. She and Terry removed all that remaining restraints. Although the bed had been left at a forty-five degree angle, Todd has managed to slide down a little once the restraints were removed.

"Would it be all right if we sat you up a little better?" Susannah asked.

Todd nodded. Terry and Susannah got him into a more comfortable position. "I feel weird," Todd complained. He brought his fingers to his mouth, as if he were checking that the voice he heard was coming from his lips.

"Can you describe in what way you feel weird?" Susannah did not want him feeling uncomfortable from the medication. "Everything is so slow and my mouth feels funny. It's hard to think because it feels so slow and foggy. Where's Viki?"

"I'm right here, baby." Viki took his hand.

"How's Shorty? Is she okay?" Todd inquired calmly.

Viki, Sam and Susannah exchanged looks. Todd was asking this in a normal fashion. Not in the frantic, psychotic way he usually did.

"Starr is fine. She's in school. Blair is taking very good care of her," Viki assured him.

"I miss her," Todd declared. He remained calm.

"She misses you too sweetheart. Starr loves her daddy more than anything," Viki reminded him as she stroked his head.

"Can I have some water?" Todd requested.

Sam poured some and held it to Todd's lips. Todd drank the entire cup and then once again put his fingers to his lips as if checking to make sure they were there.

"Boomer, would you like some lunch?"

Todd shook his head.

"Todd I want you to get out of bed and get washed and dressed. We will help you. You can go to the chair or we can take you out in the hall if you feel like walking a little?" Susannah gave him a choice.

Todd didn't respond.

"Sweetheart, would you like that?" Viki pressed.

Todd thought for another few seconds and nodded.

"Terry would you ask Frank and Jeff to come in here and help Todd?"

Todd said nothing as they waited for Jeff and Frank to come in. He continued to feel his lips every few seconds. It went along smoother than they imagined it would. Todd sat and dangled his legs over the side of the bed the way Susannah instructed him to. He was a little off balance as the techs helped him to the bathroom. When he realized that was where they were headed. He stopped walking. "Sam," he called out. Todd reached out for Sam.

"I'm right here Boomer. You want me to help you too?"

Todd took another full minute to respond with a nod of his head. Todd became more and more detached throughout his bath and hair washing. He failed to respond when asked questions. Frank checked Todd's eyes. They were glazed over. He stared ahead blankly. When Frank called to him, Todd did not respond.

"This is too hard for him, Sam. He needs to dissociate," Frank explained to a worried Sam. When they were finished they brought Todd out of the bathroom with a robe on and his hair wet. "Wanna go sit in the chair while I dry your hair?" Frank asked. He did not expect a response.

"I want Viki to. She does it good."

Viki realized that she didn't remember drying Todd's hair when he was "Todd." She had done it for some of the alters and for Todd when he was in a dissociative or trance state, but never when he was present as Todd. "Of course I'll dry your hair for you sweetheart," Viki agreed lovingly. She approached the chair he was sitting in.

As Viki gently brushed and dried his hair, Todd would reach out and touch her arm. It seemed as if he were making sure that she was really there. "There we go," Viki announced. She placed his silky hair behind his ears. "All done."

"Viki, how come you're here?"

Viki was surprised by this question. She wasn't sure how to answer. "Do mean here with you?"

"Why do you come here?" Todd's spoke in a disconnected monotone.

"Todd, I'm here because I love you. I want to be here for you and I enjoy spending time with you," Viki answered, honestly.

"You shouldn't. I'm a loser. I'm no good. Don't you know that?" Todd sounded despondent.

"I most certainly do not know that. Todd, you are not any of those things." Viki hated to hear him talk about himself that way.

"Yes, I am. I'm all of them and a lot worse. Ask anyone. I'm stupid. I couldn't even pass dumbbell English or Calculus. I found myself in an Italian class and I didn't even remember how I got there. I failed the test. I do bad things to everyone. I'm bad and disgusting. I can't not be that way. I don't know how to not be that way. I don't want to hurt everyone and be bad. I don't know how to stop it. I hurt everyone, everyone. People get killed because of me. I'm a rapist. I hurt Téa. You shouldn't be here. Sam shouldn't be here. Most of all I shouldn't be here." Todd tugged on Viki's arm to bring her closer to him. He began to whisper. "Viki help me. I don't want to be alive anymore. Please, help me. They won't let me out of here. I can't see anymore because it's so dark all the time. Viki, it hurts all the time. Every time I wake up everything hurts. My skin feels like it's burning off my bones. My stomach and head always hurt. It's always so loud. It's never quiet. Please, make it stop hurting. Help me! Viki!" Todd reached out for his sister.

Viki took Todd in her arms. He pulled away. "No! I want you to help me. I hate this! I hate it every time I wake up. I don't know what's going on anymore. I don't know if I'm sitting or lying down or standing. I don't want to hear them anymore. I want it to be quiet. He laughs at me, Viki. He sees that I can't walk and I can't see and I can't even go to the bathroom by myself."

"Who laughs at you, Todd?" Susannah asked.

Todd seemed startled by her presence. "See! I don't even know who's in the room with me. I can't remember things anymore. I can't see. I can't make my body do what I want it to and not do what I don't want it to. I wake up and I don't know if a day or a year has gone by. I wake up and I'm tied to the bed or I feel really bad, or both. Everything is changing and going slow. I don't like the way it feels. I'm never alone and I hate that and then I don't want to be alone and I hate that too! I don't know what I want."

Tears welled up in Todd's eyes and splashed on his cheeks. Todd angrily wiped them away, as more replaced them. "I act like a baby. I can't stop crying. No wonder he laughs at me. I'm a loser. Oh God! I am such a loser."

Susannah knelt down to where he sat. "Todd do you remember me explaining to you about your suffering from depression. That is why you feel like crying all the time. That is why you feel so down on yourself, and why you feel like hurting yourself."

"I'm not depressed! I'm a loser. I always was. I cry because I'm a wimp and act like a little girl, instead of a man."

"No, Boomer. Those are your father's words. He put those ideas in your head. It's not true. It never was and never will be." Sam hated hearing Peter's words make Todd so miserable.

"You and Viki are only saying that because you have to. You know I'm crazy and they make you say that to make me feel better."

"Sweetheart, you are not crazy. No one is forcing us to say anything. We tell you what we know to be true."

"She just said I was crazy." Todd pointed in the direction Susannah's voice had come from.

"No, Todd. I said you were depressed. That is not crazy. That is a medical condition," Susannah tried explaining again. "There is an imbalance in certain chemical messengers in your brain, that and the traumas you went through as a child have caused you to become depressed. It is not crazy and it is not your fault. You didn't do it to yourself."

Todd thought about what she said for a few seconds and then rejecting her explanation he shouted. "YOU'RE ALL LYING TO ME BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT THEY DO TO CRAZY PEOPLE. YOU ALL HATE ME. YOU COME HERE BECAUSE YOU FEEL SORRY FOR ME. I DON'T NEED YOUR PITY! I SHOULD BE PUNISHED! YOU KNOW THAT. WHY DON'T YOU JUST SAY IT AND DO IT AND GET IT OVER WITH! YOU MAKE ME STAND AGAINST THE WALL WAITING TO FIND OUT HOW YOU'RE GONNA PUNISH ME. I HATE THAT! I REMEMBER THE WAITING. I REMEMBER HEARING YOU PLANNING OUT LOUD WHAT YOU'RE GONNA DO TO ME. DO IT! DO IT! PLEASE! I DESERVE IT. I DESERVE IT. THERE! I ADMIT IT. NOW PLEASE, DO IT!"

They realized Todd was confusing what his father had done to him in the past and what was happening to him now. Todd stopped shouting and put his face in his hands. Even though he was sobbing, he continued. "They were all right. I belong in jail. I deserve what they did to me in jail. I deserve what my dad did. I hurt everyone. Everyone wants to hurt me and they should. They should! They should."

Todd was weeping uncontrollably. Susannah waited a few minutes to see if he could calm on his own. Viki and Sam wanted to take Todd in their arms. Susannah saw this and motioned for them not to. After a few minutes, his sobs turned to sniffles. Susannah knelt down again and put her hand on his knee. Gently, she asked, "Todd, can you tell us what they did to you in prison?"

Todd hung his head. "I was bad in jail. They disciplined me. The other prisoners and the guards didn't like me. I was scared all the time. I don't remember a lot of time. Sometimes I was really sore and in pain when I would come back and . . ." Todd pulled his knees to his chest. He began to tremble and rock as he struggled to soothe himself. "I don't want to talk about prison anymore. Please don't make me talk about it anymore. Please! Please!"

"All right Todd. Shhhh, you don't have to talk about prison anymore," Susannah relented.

Todd continued to rock for another few minutes. They supported him with silence. They knew he knew they were still there.

"My dad said I belonged in jail," Todd finally muttered.

"How did his saying that make you feel?" Susannah prodded.

Todd seemed to be thinking about the question. "I was mad at me for being a disappointment to him again. He was right. He said that prison was the best place for me. I shamed him in front of his friends. They read about me in the paper. He doesn't want me to be his son anymore. He said I wasn't his son anymore. He's so ashamed of me. The whole world knows I'm a loser. He always knew it anyway. He tried to help me. He tried to make me into a man. He disciplined me. I was always bad and always did the wrong thing and I was never a man. I always acted like a little girl and a wimp. I was stupid. I screwed up all the time. I made him hate me. I made my mom leave both of us." Tears cascaded down Todd's face again.

Susannah, Viki and Sam's hearts were breaking for him as they listened to his litany of sins. They listened to how he learned to hate himself for doing things every normal child did. "What did you do that was so bad?" Susannah pushed.

"Everything! I made noise. I laughed when I wasn't supposed to. I was stupid. I forgot things all the time and pretended to remember and got caught. I didn't just forget little things, but months of stuff at a time. I made messes. I wet the bed. I spilled things. I dropped things. I dropped my dad's camera. I would draw these stupid pictures that I didn't remember drawing and he would laugh at me. I cried when I wasn't supposed to. I would drop the ball or miss it with the bat. I made mama drink. I got her hurt. I made her leave. I made her leave! She didn't want me. I always tried to figure out what I did to make her leave. I can't figure it out and I keep doing it. I make everyone leave. I tried to be good. I tried to do what she said and what my dad said and what everyone says I should do. I mess up. I never get it right. No matter what I do it comes out wrong. Téa knows. Blair knows. Even Rebecca knew. They all know what a screw up I am. Even in jail I was a screw up compared to the other prisoners. The only thing I haven't messed up yet is the Sun and maybe I did by now and just don't remember. I can't ever see Starr again. I'll hurt her and mess her up to. Viki," Todd reached out a trembling hand for her.

Viki took Todd's outstretched hand. "Viki, you told me it was safe for Starr to be with me. You said that I wasn't like our father or like my dad. You said I would never hurt her. You said it was safe for her to love me." "Sweetheart, I still say that. Starr loves you with all her heart and she should. You will never hurt her."

"Yes, I will! I won't mean to, but I will. Don't you see? I don't deserve to be around Starr or Blair or you or Sam or Téa or you Doctor Hanen. I will hurt all of you. If I don't, he will. He hurts and takes away everything and everyone I care about. He said he will and he doesn't lie. He says he'll do something and he does it. He only keeps you waiting because that just makes it worse, but then he does it. You're all going to leave me when you realize how bad I am or when you stop pretending that I'm not."

"No, Boomer. I swear to you. We will never, ever leave you. Don't you know that Viki and I consider you our kid? We would no more leave you than walk out on our own kids if they needed us."

"No! Don't lie to me. Parents walk out on their kids when the kid is bad and makes them do it. They just go and forget all about the kid. They leave and don't look back. Everyone leaves me. I make them want to and even if I find them they don't want me. No one does, and they're right. I don't want me either."

Todd was quiet for a minute and then started to speak again. "I tried to find her. It was so dark and cold and I was so scared. Then I heard the water and I knew I could find her. She acted like she was happy to see me. She was pretending. Just like all of you pretend to like me. She didn't want to hurt my feelings so she pretended. It wasn't real. He hated me too."

"Who Todd, who hated you too?" Susannah knew Todd needed to say it.

"My stepfather. He knew. Just like everyone. The whole world knows I'm bad and I can't be loved. He didn't want me. My mom loved him more than me and she didn't want me. I shouldn't of. I shouldn't of." Todd was choking on his sobs.

"What shouldn't you have done," Susannah asked gently.

"I shouldn't have been born. I was a mistake. Always. That's why my real father didn't want me and why my real mother didn't fight to keep me. It's why my dad didn't want me and why my mom and step dad didn't want me. That's why she had to send me away and why I had to go back and be punished."

Susannah hoped his bringing it up meant he was ready to discuss it. "What happened when you came back home after running away to your stepfather's summer house?" Susannah pushed.

"Nothing happened," Todd denied.

"Todd, you just said you had to go back to be punished. How were you punished?"

"Punished?" Todd repeated. He felt himself fading away. He only felt partially in their world.

"What did your dad do to you?" Susannah rephrased.

Todd's head lowered. "Uh-oh. Is he in trouble?" one voice asked.

"I remember you," another voice stated. "You're a doctor lady and you let us draw pictures."

Everyone listened to their voices for a moment. Then they all realized Scared and Braver had come back.

TO BE CONTINUED