*****

"Viki," Susannah called softly. She did not want to startle Viki. Viki looked up at her. She could tell Viki had been crying. Susannah sat down next to her. She put her hand on Viki's shoulder and asked, "can you talk about it?"

"How's Todd? Is Andy still out? Is he upset because I left?"

Susannah realized that she should have known how Andy would be the first thing that Viki would need to know about. "Andy is fine. That is one of the things I wanted to tell you. He's back in his room. He's watching a video with Sam. He was hungry. He asked for cereal and ice cream."

Viki smiled weakly. "Did he reveal anything else to you?"

"Viki, are you sure you want to talk about this now?" Viki nodded. Susannah was concerned that Viki might not be able to handle Andy's disclosures at this moment. "Why don't you tell me what has you so upset? I know you're upset about Andy, but I think there may be more to it," Susannah suspected.

"I'm sorry, I guess the stress of everything just hit me. Susannah, you don't have to worry about me. You already have enough on your plate."

"Viki, I know you have been under stress . . . more than most people should ever have to bear. I think it's something more than that," Susannah pushed.

"Please tell me what else you learned from Andy," Viki demanded.

Susannah told Viki about everything else, including Andy being stabbed and almost dying from an infection and about discovering the name of the gatekeeper.

"Was that the chest wound Doctor Evans wrote about in Todd's chart?"

"Yes, I'm sure it was," Susannah answered.

Viki sat quietly for a few minutes, absorbing what Susannah told her. "Are you sure Andy is all right? You said he almost went into shock."

"He's fine now. He's not ready to talk anymore about how he feels or about what happened and I don't want to push him."

"Good, he's been through enough for now," Viki stated. She rubbed her temples.

"Do you have a headache?" Susannah inquired.

"A slight one. I'll just rest for a few more minutes and then go to Andy."

Susannah noticed Viki's trembling had eased a little. It had not gone away completely. "Are you cold?" Susannah asked.

"No. I'm just being silly. It's the stress of everything."

"Viki, did the things Andy was talking about upset you? Did they trigger off a memory or a feeling?" Susannah pressed.

"Once your patient always your patient," Viki joked and tried to smile.

"Yeah, I'm afraid so. I just can't let go," Susannah smiled back and then asked, "can you tell me what you felt when you heard what Andy was saying?"

"I felt as if my heart were breaking for him. I felt immense anger at Barbara and hatred for Peter."

"Is that all?" Susannah probed.

"Isn't that enough! Look at what they did to that child. I don't know how he survived. It was bad enough that he had to go through that . . . but . . . but then to make him feel dirty . . . ashamed . . . oh God . . . disgusting . . . like he did something wrong! How could Barbara have felt that way? How could she let him hear her say those things? How could he have felt any pleasure when Father did those things to him?"

"Viki, Victor didn't do those things to him Peter did."

Realizing what she had said, Viki became quiet. Her trembling increased again. She felt nauseated.

Susannah saw Viki turn pale. "Did something that Andy said remind you of something that happened with your father?"

"Todd's whole situation reminds me of what happened with Father! Why should today be any different?" Viki snapped.

"Viki, after I left Llanview how did things go with the therapist you started working with?"

"Fine, you did most of the work. You know I was all right by then," Viki's tone was defensive.

"Did you continue with therapy for much longer?”

"For a while. I was fine!" Viki was getting anxious and annoyed.

"Are you having a hard time understanding how Andy could have become aroused while being abused?" Susannah guessed.

"It's just that I never . . . I mean he was being tortured. He was terrified. He didn't want it. He was being forced. How could it possibly feel good under those circumstances?" Viki sounded confused.

"Do you feel that if he became aroused he may have wanted what Peter did or encouraged him somehow?"

"Oh God, Susannah. Of course not! How can you ask me that? Don't you think that I, of all people, know that he was forced? I know it was in no way was it his fault. It's just that I . . . when it happened to me . . . I never . . . “ Viki stopped talking and looked away from Susannah.

"Viki, you avoided talking about this in your therapy with me. We never spoke about this then. Maybe now is the time? Are you saying that you were never aroused by the things your father did to you?"

"No! I never was. If I had been that would have meant that . . . that would have made me . . . no! I . . .” Viki was starting to have trouble breathing again. Her heart was pounding.

"What would that have made you?" Susannah noted Viki's discomfort at her questions.

"Nothing! I was the victim. Father was a rapist. He was the one who was vile and disgusting. He was the one who needed to use a little girl to satisfy his sickness. He was the one who got a sick and twisted pleasure out of what we did. I never asked for it. I never wanted him to do that to me!" Fresh tears formed in Viki's eyes.

"Do you think if your body responded to your father's touching you that meant that you wanted it? Or that it meant you were a willing participant?" Susannah persisted.

Viki didn't answer.

"Viki, how can you think that about yourself and not about Andy?"

"Andy was just a baby. He was helpless and . . ."

Susannah cut her off. "And you weren't? Viki, you were seven years old when your father started abusing you. One year older than Andy."

"I know. I know! Look, we have been through this. I do not blame myself. I know I could not have stopped my father. I knew what he was doing was wrong and I knew it was wrong for it to feel good . . ."

Interrupting again, Susannah asked, "So are you saying that sometimes it did feel good, but that you felt it was wrong to feel that way?"

Viki looked horrified. "No! No! It didn't feel good. It never did! I didn't want him to do that to me. Susannah you know I didn't want him to." Viki was now sobbing openly.

Susannah took Viki in her arms and held her for a few minutes. Viki calmed down and pulled back.

"Viki, on a purely physical level, if I were to step on your toes and someone else of my size were to step on your toes do you think it would feel much different?"

Viki looked at her. She didn't understand. "What?"

"Do you think there would be much difference in the pain?"

"No, not unless one you were wearing stiletto heels," Viki quipped.

Susannah smiled. She was happy to see that Viki was able to make a joke. "So what you are saying is that your toes got stepped on and a message was sent to your brain telling it that you should feel pain. Do you think you would feel less pain because it was a stranger who stepped on your toes instead of me?"

Viki was starting to understand what Susannah was getting at and she didn't like it. "No, I imagine the pain would be the same."

"Viki, if it did sometimes feel good when your father touched you it was because a part of you was touched that sent a message to your brain telling your brain that it felt good. It was not something you did or wanted or asked for. It was purely physical. Nerve endings were stimulated. You had no more control over it then stopping the pain if I stepped on your toes. It would not hurt any more or less because I am a friend. You had no more control over it than Andy did. You were a normal little girl with normal feelings," Susannah explained.

Viki put her face in her hands and started to weep again. Choking back tears, Viki confessed, "I haven't thought about it. I didn't remember those feelings. When Andy started to talk about it and react to his memories I started to have this . . . not even a memory at first . . . a feeling. Then it started to come back to me. I remembered that . . . oh God! What does that say about me?"

"Viki, how can you believe that it means one thing for Andy and something else for you? If you are condemning yourself then you are condemning Andy too."

"No. It was different for him. He was a little boy."

"Oh, Viki. I don't think I have to tell you that a girl's or a woman's body can be just as easily aroused as a boy's or a man's. Did it sometimes feel good when your father touched you?" Susannah asked directly. Susannah could see that Viki was having trouble breathing. "Viki just say it. It's all right. You are not being judged. You can't blame yourself for what your body did without blaming Andy too. Did you sometimes become aroused when Victor touched you?"

"Yes," Viki whispered. She didn't start to cry again. She walked over to the window and stared out.

It so much reminded Susannah of what Todd used to do, before he became blind. Susannah gave her a few minutes and then walked over to where Viki stood.

"Do you want to know the irony of all this?" Viki asked without turning around. "I could allow myself to feel, Dear Lord, I don't even know how to phrase this. How does one describe being stimulated during rape?" Viki asked sarcastically.

"Exactly as you just did. There was no passion. It was not a question of being turned on. It was simply your body's normal response to being touched. It was no more than pulling back your finger after touching a hot pot on the stove," Susannah responded. Susannah could see that Viki was nearly as confused about this as Andy was.

"The irony is that now, I feel nothing. When Sam and I . . .” Viki cleared her throat and continued. "When Sam and I almost made love. I went through the motions. I wanted to. I practically initiated it, but when it came to it, I just felt dead. I feel like that part of me is as dead as Father. He killed it. He made sure that I could never feel anything with anyone but him," Viki declared bitterly.

"You told me that you were able to have a satisfactory relationship with Joe, Clint and Sloan." Susannah reminded her.

"I did, especially with Joe. It was later on. It was afterward. I sometimes felt so guilty afterward. I never said anything. I never understood it. I was married, yet I always felt like I was doing something wrong. When I first found out about Niki and was told about the way she acted . . . I-I was almost jealous of her. Joe was the most wonderful man I had ever met. He was everything I always dreamed of. He made me stronger than I was. I defied my father for Joe. I loved Joe with all my heart and wanted to be with him and I felt good in his arms . . . so good . . . safe . . . loved." Viki smiled. "And beautiful," she added. "But afterward . . . especially when I was around Father . . . there was something wrong that I could never understand. It was the same with Clint. By then Father was dead and yet sometimes I would be overwhelmed by these feelings. I never understood why. I'm not sure if I even realized it was guilt at the time." Viki paused for a second. The stared out the window and then continued. "At least I was able to be with them. I didn't feel this way. I didn't dread the moment the kissing and holding would stop and the actual . . . when things would get beyond . . ."

"It's all right Viki. I know what you are saying." Susannah realized it was still difficult for Viki to say certain things when it came to talking about herself. She was able to express herself a lot better if she were talking about Todd. Susannah also noticed that Viki did not discuss Sloan.

Viki went on. "My relationships with Joe and Clint were before I remembered what my father did to me. That was when I was being protected from the memories. I sometimes wonder if it isn't cruel to take that protection away from Todd? I don't want him to have to feel the pain that I felt when I remembered."

"Yes, Todd will feel the pain of what happened to him, as you did. Viki, what about all the other things you got to feel once you remembered?" Susannah tried to redirect Viki to the positive things that integration brought about. Viki said nothing. "Was pain the only thing you felt once all the memories your alters kept came back to you? Viki still didn't reply. Susannah tried again. "Once you didn't need the alters to be separate from you anymore, did you feel anything beside pain?"

Viki nodded. "I felt in control. I felt a sense of freedom I had never known. I felt stronger. I knew that I could make plans for tomorrow or for a week or a year away and I would still be me and be able to be there. That was the first time in my life I could feel that. It didn't come without a price, Susannah. I was also able to feel Tori's rage and Jean's coldness and need for order. I felt Princess' fears and even Tommy's need to strike out." Viki smiled slightly. "And sometimes Niki's craving for fun. It's like they are still there. They are just not separate anymore. They are a part of me. I don't need them to feel my feelings for me."

"Yes, they are all there and a part of what now makes you Viki, with one big exception. You are in control Viki. You decide what you want to do and when you want to do it. You are in control of both your body and mind. Don't you want that for Todd? Don't you want him to have that sense of freedom you talk about? Todd has never known that. He has never known what it is to be in control of his life and to do whatever it is he wants to do and to keep from doing what he doesn't want to do. Like you, Todd hates himself for the things his body has done, without his mind being aware of them. He hates the demons that drove him to do the things he does remember. Andy is a little boy. Yet he understands enough to know what Peter did to him was very wrong. Like you, he believes that if some of the things Peter did to him made him feel good then he must be bad and disgusting. If Todd were able to discuss this I am sure he would feel the same way. I think perhaps if we can get Andy to understand he did nothing wrong and that his reactions were normal then someday when Andy becomes a part of Todd it will be easier to get him to understand that. No one ever explained that to Princess. No one ever told her that she was just being a normal little girl."

Susannah's words made Viki start crying all over again. Not only was she crying for herself, but for the seven year old Princess, the little girl who had felt so ashamed and dirty all these years, the little girl who always wondered if her feelings caused her daddy to hurt her the way he did and always felt like she was somehow betraying her mommy by feeling what she did. "Susannah, I can feel it. I can feel Princess' shame and guilt. I can remember how surprised I was the first time it . . .” Viki stopped for a moment and then looked Susannah in the eye. "The first time it felt good. Afterward, I felt like the most horrible little girl in the whole world. I was afraid Father would notice that it felt good. I wanted to please him, but I didn't want him to keep doing it. I remember how confused I felt."

Viki looked away from Susannah. She looked down at the carpeted lounge floor. She finally was able to continue. "I remember after a while, like Andy, I wanted to feel those good feelings even when Father wasn't around. I learned if I . . .” Viki swallowed hard. "If I . . . if I touched myself in certain places I could make it feel good. Oh God. I swear I wasn't keeping that from you Susannah. I didn't remember until now. I don't come from the dark ages. I know enough to know that children do that and it isn't bad or perverted. So why do I feel this way?"

Without giving Susannah a chance to respond, Viki answered her own question. "Why shouldn't I feel this way? I grew up with a man who thought just mentioning the word sex out loud was something that just wasn't done. Raping your seven-year-old daughter was fine, as long as it was done in the privacy of a bedroom or in your own private secret room . . . a room built exclusively for your perversions. It was fine just as long as no one spoke about it. Dear Lord! I remember how my father hated the idea of me marrying Joe. I thought it was because he felt that Joe wasn't good enough for his princess or because Joe stood up to him. It wasn't any of those things. He didn't want another man touching his property. He didn't want me to feel those things with anyone but him. Well, he finally got his wish didn't he? I can't feel. That miserable bastard has made sure of that. Even when I want to, I can't! I love Sam. I am attracted to Sam. I love being held by Sam. I even enjoy kissing him, but when it comes to him touching the part of me that still bears my father's indelible tattoo, I feel nothing. That part of me was smothered just the way Tori smothered Father. I mean the way I did."

Viki paused and took a deep breath. She continued. "I tell myself that Father was a sick man and he needed to be helped, not murdered. Then I think of Peter Manning. He made Father look like a saint. What about him? Did he deserve to be helped? I can't feel that for him. I feel nothing but rage and a need for revenge when I think of what he did to Todd. I sometimes can't get over the irony. No matter which father Todd had been raised by he would have suffered, but not to this extent. I wonder if Father would have gone after a boy child? I think about some of the things baby Todd said about Father arguing with Peter. It was probably because he realized Peter was abusing his son. I wonder if it was out of some kind of love for Todd or if Father was just protecting his property? I want to think that he had some goodness in him and that looking into that sweet baby's eyes was enough to bring it out. I guess I never will know. Father took his secrets to the grave with him."

Viki seemed to be calming down. Susannah realized that there had been many unresolved issues in Viki's therapy when she left town. She had confidence in the therapist she had recommended. Now she thought that perhaps Viki and this therapist never developed the therapeutic relationship necessary for Viki to feel safe enough and comfortable enough to get to these issues. "Viki, I'm sorry I left Llanview before we were able to get to the memories that are now coming back to you. I think it is important for you to talk about them and to come to terms with what you are feeling. I would like to set up some sessions for us to talk about you. Not about Todd. If you like, after the first few, Sam can participate in them, if you would think it would help him to understand you better."

"Susannah, I haven't relapsed. I am Viki, no one else."

"I know that. I know that it was Viki who stood here just a few moments ago and was brave enough to face her memories and to admit her feelings. Viki you are without a doubt one of the strongest people I have ever met. What you are going through with Todd is enough to devastate most people. On top of that, both you and Sam have issues of your own to deal with. You have this and Sam has guilt that is eating away at him. When a family member becomes very ill it can sometimes destroy a family or bring them closer. I think in this case it is the latter. Would you like to have a few sessions to bring some closure to some of the issues you still have about the abuse your father put you through?"

Viki thought for a few minutes. Her first instinct was to say "no thank you." Like Todd, Viki did not want to subject herself to the pain those sessions would cause. Unlike Todd, she also knew that she was strong enough, now, to handle them. Viki knew that this was no time for her to fall apart. She had a desperately ill child who needed her and another who was frightened and confused by his feelings. Kevin needed her too and so did Sam. Sam could not handle this alone. Viki knew she had to take care of herself, physically and mentally. "Susannah, I think some sessions would be a good idea at this point. I already feel better than I did before you came here to see me. Now, I would like to go to Andy."

"Are you sure you don't want a few more minutes to yourself?" Susannah asked.

Viki took Susannah's hands in her own. "I won't say I am fine, because I know I'm not. I am better. I truly am." Viki smiled.

"What?" Susannah asked.

"I was always telling Todd he should examine his own feelings and find out why he was the way he was. I was just wondering how Todd will feel, someday, when he learns how many of my feelings I never looked at or wanted to and that when it came to it, he was the one who helped me. His bravery showed me the way to find my own."

Susannah hugged Viki. "There is no doubt that you and Todd share those bravery genes," The two women hugged for another minute. "Let's go see Todd," Susannah said as she patted Viki's back.

Andy was still out when Susannah and Viki got back to Todd's room. They heard him giggling as they entered the room. "Look! Sam's silly," Andy giggled and pointed to Sam.

Sam was picking up some playing cards off the floor. "I was attempting to show Andy a card trick and it kind of backfired," Sam admitted sheepishly. Andy continued to giggle as he watched Sam go after the cards that were scattered in all directions.

"I think it made much more of a hit this way," Viki laughed. She went over to the bed and sat next to Andy.

"Doctor Hanen brought me ice cream," Andy volunteered with a big grin on his face. He then turned his attention back to Sam.

Knowing Andy was watching him, Sam deliberately let some of the cards fall back down and scatter again. Andy burst into giggles all over again. Viki smiled. She realized what Sam had done. Viki felt herself well up with love for Sam. She put her arm around Andy's shoulder.

"Sam's funny," Andy giggled.

"Yes, he is sweetheart. Yes he is," Viki agreed. She hugged Andy tightly.

Susannah was happy to see Andy enjoying himself. However, she was concerned. She knew that it was in Andy's nature to get over things faster than the others, but he seemed to have put everything he told them completely out of his mind. Susannah hoped the memories weren't already buried again. "Andy, how do you feel? Is anything bothering you?" Susannah asked.

"Uh-uh," Andy answered, shaking his head.

"He's been drinking a lot," Sam informed Susannah.

Susannah checked his flow chart. She noticed he had three apple juice cups and four cups of water just since he'd been back in his room. She also noticed that he hadn't voided since he'd been back. Susannah felt his head. It was cool. "Andy, do you feel extra thirsty today?" she inquired.

"Uh-huh," Andy nodded and then asked, "where's Timmy? Does he wanna come and play with me?"

"Has Timmy spoken to you?" Susannah asked.

Andy shook his head.

"Do you feel him wanting to come out?" Susannah posed.

"No, I just wondered," Andy replied sadly. They could tell he missed Timmy.

Susannah checked his legs for any signs of edema. She noticed no swelling. "Andy, I need to feel your tummy and listen to your lungs," Susannah told him gently.

"Will it hurt?" he asked fearfully.

"No, I just need to press on your tummy a little and I need for you to take some big deep breaths when I listen to your lungs," Susannah explained.

"Okay," Andy answered calmly.

There was no bloating and his lungs were clear. Connie's shift had started. She came in to do a feeding. Andy pulled back when she approached him with the supplement.

"Andy, what's wrong? You know this doesn't hurt. You will hardly feel it," Viki comforted.

"Can't I have more ice cream instead?" Andy tried to bargain with them.

"Andy, how about you sit quietly while Connie feeds you and then you can have ice cream afterward?" Susannah suggested.

"Okay. Can I watch the videos again?"

"Sure, pal." Sam put one of the Flintstones tapes back in. He was happy he had asked for the TV to be moved into Andy's room while Andy had to stay in bed.

Viki leaned back against the headboard. She gently pulled Andy back with her so that his head rested against her shoulder. About twenty minutes into the feeding Andy fell asleep. They didn't wake him for the ice cream. Viki carefully lowered him to the pillow. Dave came in to sit with him. Viki and Sam sat in the chairs outside of Todd's room.

"He seems fine," Sam observed.

"A little too fine, I'm afraid," Susannah stated. "I know Andy tends to get over things quickly. This is a little too quick for my comfort." Susannah hated to spoil the relief Sam and Viki were feeling. However, she needed to let them know what she thought.

"Do you think he repressed the memory?" Viki asked.

"Possibly. I won't know until he's ready for another session. He's already been through too much today. I don't want to question him now," Susannah answered.

"Why is he drinking so much?" Sam asked.

"It may be because his mouth is dry from the medications he's on. Sam, did he urinate at all since he's been back? It's not marked on the chart. I thought perhaps it might be an oversight."

"No. In fact I asked him if he had to go once I saw how much he was drinking. I was afraid he would fall asleep and wet the bed. You know how upset he gets when that happens. He said he didn't have to. Why? Did you notice something wrong?" Susannah heard great concern in Sam's voice.

"His output is not keeping up with his intake. I checked his legs and there is no sign of swelling. His lungs are clear. His stomach isn't bloated. I wouldn't be too concerned at this point. I wanted to let you know that I am planning on increasing the Zyprexa to 7.5 mg tomorrow and then to 10 mg two day's after that. Then, I want to keep him on ten for a while."

"What about the side effects some of them already seem to be having," Viki pointed out.

"Most of them are minor, so far. The only one that concerns me is the akathisia Thomas may have experienced. It may not have been that. Thomas is usually more hyper and jittery than the others and hates being cooped up more. That might account for his pacing and inability to sit still."

Susannah suggested Sam and Viki take this opportunity to go to dinner and she headed for her office. Susannah ordered a sandwich from the deli and sat back and listened to the tape of Andy's session.

Secrets 70, Page 2