The Gods need to be something modern, don’t you think? These are some ideas we’ve come up with on what the Greek Gods could now be. I owe a debt of gratitude to my two brothers, Michael and Christopher Nolan who helped me think these up. If you can think of anything as good, better, or that just needs to be added, please e-mail me it, or put it into my guestbook.
Aphrodite: The Goddess of Love, certainly, but also the Goddess of promiscuity and STDs.
Apollo: Dance, music, poetry? And have you seen those long curly locks? An ideal God of the stereotypical homosexual.
Ares: Ares must continue to be what he once was. War still exists, and Ares can still be the God of what he controlled. However, we can go farther. Ares is also the God of brutes, of posturing, and of gangs. He’s also the God of government and lawyers and everything else we hate but can’t do without.
Artemis: The woods are almost gone, but she can certainly remain as the Goddess of militant feminists.
Athena: The Goddess now finds that she is an ideal Goddess for the schools! She is wise, good with her hands, and can fight all of those problem students. Go Athena!
Demeter: Anyone who’s read about her and Persephone can well understand why I think that Demeter as Goddess of Overprotective Parents needs no explanation.
Dionysius: Some things never change. Dionysius is God of Sex, Drugs, and rock-and-roll.
Eros: Have you seen that guy and the arrows? Definitely the God of soap operas.
Hades: God of big business (God of wealth), depression (he stays constantly in his own little underworld), and may currently be the vice-president of the US
Heista: Goddess of homemaking and houses
Hephastus: God of Geeks, preferably computer Geeks
Hera: Goddess of righteous jealousy and divorce
Hercules: God of very, very, very dumb jocks and steroids, as well as abusive husbands
Hermes: God of telecommunications (very fast, and a messenger), and yuppies (young upwardly mobile people)
Persephone: Goddess of dieting (never ate in the Underworld), make-up (Goddess of youth), heroine (seen holding opium flowers), and supermodels (see above). Also Goddess of dual mental illnesses such as manic-depression
Polyduces: God of televised spots, especially contact (great boxer)
Poseidon: God of surfing and beach bums
Prometheus: God of rebellion, the value of which will be seen when rebeler is forty
Zeus: God of procreation and quite possibly the current President of the US