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SPORTS HEADLINES
World Fence Sitting Championships Heat Up
BALLYHOO, IRELAND—Thirty two of the worlds best Fence Sitting champions
will battle it out over two gruelling weeks. Contestants will be faced with mind crippling tasks of eating, sleeping and going about their
business while making sure to hold fast to their fences. Reigning Fence Sitter Texas "Ted" Pillowcheeks aims at making it two in a row.
"If I can out sit Betsy Boilers I know I'm up for the big one. She has the adventage of a huge rear for comfort but an disadvantage at being
a 400lb bloater. If the fence cracks, she's out!" Other long sitting contenders aimed at toppling Ted include Ireland's Seamus "Bigbollocks" O'Grady
and Italy's Conchita "Chippolata" Cheeks.
Boxing Lightweight In Tendonitis Turmoil
LAS VEGAS -- An injury to Ahmed "The Bull" Buttah has forced his Nov. 15
rematch with lightweight champion Boyd "The Pansy"
Palombo Jr. to be postponed. Buttah has severe tendonitis of the right hand caused by late nights working on his computer and has been unable to train recently.
"Ahmed has been doing a lot of typing recently for his forthcoming
novel "Boxing and Whipped Cream" and now has his wrist in a strap. He can box with his left hand but his right is as limp
and useless as a foundering fish on dry land!" Promoter Rab Slackbladder said.
Fight promoters and HBO are trying to decide whether Buttah should fight someone else on Nov 15 --
Someone who perhaps has just one arm. Like boxing legend "Herb "The hook" Heraldo. Who brought
a whole new meaning to the word a mean left hook.
Wildhats Continue Magnificent Losing Streak
The Moncton Wildhats took to the road for their season opener and promptly
recorded a record breaking 117-0 loss against rivals The Acadie-Tracadie-Tetons. Wildhats Coach Bryan Dobbs played down the result.
"It was simple they had no ice and didn't tell us! They rollerbladed around us knocking in goal after goal and all we had were two players equiped
with a couple of spare rollerblades donated by our loyal fans!" This continues a disasterous run of bad luck bu the Wildhats. Last year the whole
team was sacked following a twenty-two day Canada wide drinking spree.
More NFL Arrests Cripple Team
Six Players for the Atlanta Bluetits have been arrested following an horrific attack
on rivals The California Cattletrucks Coach, Zebedee Lucas. The incident followed comments made by Lucas to the effect that the Bluetits
were a bunch of Spouse battering, substance abusing hot-headed crimminals. Surgeons spent six hours carefully removing the Cattletrucks
mascott from Coach Lucas's posterior. The Bluetits with six men down promptly lost the game soon after.
Gabe McGurn Wins World's Hardest Hardman Title
Scotland's Gabe 'Young Young' McGurn has one this years World's Hardest Man
competition in the Bahamas. McGurn was one of sixteen muscle bound barbarians taking part in the annual muscle ripping contest. The competition
was temporarily halyed when Japan's Toshiba Mifune accidently dropped the submarine he was holding onto his head crushing him instantly.
McGurn won the title after pulling two boeing 747's across two miles of track in under seventeen seconds
National Twirling Championships Heat Up
The New Brunswick Dairy Dancers got the national championships
off to a bonzai start Tuesday with a nail-biting but well earned twirling victory over the Newfoundland Crab Catchers.
The event held at Hurlington Harbour NFLD, attracted more flies and Seagulls than anything else but for the organisers and residents
it gained mild interst. "I never knew we had a twirling team?" Retired fisherman Herbert Durnford excalimed as he watched
his red headed neices dance awkwardly on the jetty in tune to some foreign techo pop song. Janet Swabling, NB coach
said that now her team could really march onto the international stage following their win over the Crab catchers
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SAVAGE REPORTS...
Jethro Savage Says Save Street Racing For The Serious.
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Greater Moncton Street racing is pathetic! The pitiful sight of Honda Civic's and other ten year old
Japanes cars groaning and wheezing around town just makes me wanna weep!
The misconception
that you can make these tiny teenage transport vehicles go faster with neon lights, white stripes and
army surplus tank cannons for exhausts just proves how behind the rest of the world these naive Monctonians are!
These boys are making a mockery of the spectacle that is keeping true street racing a joy to be apart of.
Even my imported 1984 V8 Lada left these clueless dimwits choking in the exhaust cloud of my battered world class
beater. It took me ten long minutes to reach 60 mph, afterwhich I still had time for a smoke and a triple vodka
before my nearest adversary arrived in his black Honda Civic! The look on the kid's face was sheer terror!
I told him he should run back to mommy and take up his former profession of spending the night playing video games while on acid
instead. Afterall its cheaper!
Where's todays dedication? Whatever happened to the Ford Pop's, the
Corvettes, Chevrolets, Ferrari's and Aston Martins? Take those rusty, body filled, amateur paintjob fixer upper
go faster tainted window excuses for cars and do us all a big favour and sell them for a fair price at the local impound yard!
Ask if you can borrow your Dad's classic for the night! Real mans stuff! Know what I mean!
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