|
|
ENTERTAINMENT
CELEBRITY NEWS
Queen Poses For Playbouy
 |
|
The Queen (At Left) Posing On The Front Cover.
London, UK. (AP) - HRH Queen Elizabeth II is the surprise cover girl and centrefold model in the latest issue of "Playbuoy".
The Queen decided the time was right to appear in the pages of her favourite magazine just last month according to friends.
"We couldn't believe it when her son Charles phoned and asked us if we wouldn't mind doing a photo shoot with his mother." Playbuoy's owner and editor, Huw Heffer explained. "Never in a million years!"
The Queen was quoted as saying that she found Playbuoy 'Absolutely facinating' and has been a keen and avid reader of the magazine for over forty years.
"We did a beautiful centrefold". Huw continued. "We sat her on top of a floating buoy just outside of Portsmouth harbour. Dressed her in regal Naval Commander attire and draped her with Corgi dogs. It was a real joy to do."
The magazine will be available in all fine bookstores throughout the country later this month.
Dr Phil To Straighten Out Dogs
 |
|
Dr Phil MacCaw (Pictured) With One Of His Patients, Biff The Border Collie.
Chicago, IL (AP) - Oprah Winfrey's bald-headed TV creation Dr. Phil MacCaw will begin hosting a brand new show aimed at helping Dogs cope with their 'cruel' owners it has been revealed.
Texas most famous Psychotic Psychologist gained praise during the 1990's for attempting to make millions of intellectually challenged Americans understand themselves a bit by making them look daft infront of millions of equally daft Americans.
When asked to comment on his new show Dr Phil seemed very upbeat. "Ah have du-u-un all ah feeul ah can when it comes tuh helpin simple folks unnerstand themselves. Ah um nah ready fur the next chapta in mah laaf."
Dr Phil's former Boss and TV Queen, Oprah, had nothing but praise for his career direction. "He's a wonderful, wonderful human being. He has a big heart and he cares deeply for normal everyday Americans. I admire and fully support his decision to help verbally and physically abused Dogs."
'Dr Phil's Dumped On Dogs' aires this fall on TDC.
Celebrity Cellulite Season Finale!
Who Will Win The Cellulite Crown? Kevin James Or Jorge Garcia? America Votes Tonight!
Hollywood, CA. (AP) - It's down to two! Will it be Kevin the 'King Of Queens' James or Lost's Jorge 'Hurley' Garcia waddling away with the coveted $1 million 'Cellulite Of The Year' prize.
All eyes will be focused on these two wide birth's that's for sure!
Last week viewers were shocked when America voted off Canadian Country giant Rita MacNeil. Many felt it was an outright injustice. But Rita faced her humiliating send off with pride. "At least I will be able to fight for another day." She defiantly announced.
Who ever will win will be rated amongst the best. Previous winners of the show have included Elvis 'The Pelvis' Presley, John 'The Bong' Belushi and Chris 'Fatty' Farley. All sadly have moved on.
The season finale aires this Wednesday on CLT, 8 Cental, 9 Pacific.
OBITUARIES
New Brunswick Porn Movie Dame Dies.
 |
|
Mountain Peakes, (Pictured) Was A True Inspiration To Female Porn Stars Across Canada
Minto, NB (AP) - She was affectionately known by many as Canada's 'First lady of filth' but in reality Mountain Peakes, real name Edna Bloor, was a charming, gentle woman who liked nothing more than to save young teenage girls froma life of drugs and prostitution.
Ms Peakes was born on the family farm in Minto, New Brunswick on August 3rd 1953. Her father was a Tractor driver and her mother was a professional goat breeder. At 13 years of age Edna left Minto for the dizzy lights and endless nights of Toronto where she soon turned to crack and prostitution.
It was in 1969 while having illicit sex with Edna that top Canadian Porn movie maker Bubbles McGilvery suggested she make some movies with him. In the following years Edna (who changed her name to Mountain Peakes) became a top Porn actress with eye-popping, edge of the seat roles in movies like - 'Olga The Flatfish', 'Dark Meat', 'Road Hump', 'Pencil Shaped Organ' and 'Behind The Bike Sheds'.
In 1982 Mountain Peakes turned her back on the Porn business and became a born again Baptist. She focused her time on helping wayward teenage girls, eventually adopting fifteen of them.
In recent years Ms Peakes moved back to Minto to help care for her aging parents. Unfortunately Ms Peakes would never make it to old age. As cruel fate would have it she was crushed to death beneath a pregnant cow at the tender age of 52.
So we say goodbye to another New Brunswick legend, now destined to live on in the hearts of Porn lovers country-wide.
Trevor The Lemon's Tips For Stupid Folk
BOILED EGGS. Cut them in half vertically, then remove the yolk. Hey presto! You now have an ideal miniature porcelain-style urinal for your pet hamsters or guinea pigs!
VIBRATORS. An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an
inexpensive vibrator.
CONTACT LENSE ALTERNATIVES. Simply cut out small circles of Saran wrap
and press them into your eyes.
PERSONALISING LICENSE PLATES. Save money on expensive personalised car license plates by simply
changing your name to match your existing plate.
BINOCULARS. Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to
the object you want to view.
GAS LEAK?. If you smell gas locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match in
every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals the source of
the escaping gas.
Until next time dudes...
|
|
LOCAL ENTERTAINMENT
Fanny Toksvig's Entertainment Round-up
 |
|
Hi there Entertainment freaks! Fannykins here with your entertainment round up.
We've got plenty of music, festival activities, book reviews and hobbies for you to salivate over!
Talking of salivating I think my Head Cheese and Spinach Volavons are almost baked!
MUSIC
Canadian teen-angst Goddess Valerie Smear will be playing to a sold out crowd at 'The Moncton Boys & Girls Club' next month with her band 'My Daughters Aorta'.
Valerie, 16 next month, who hailes from Riverview hopes her music will bring more business to the area.
"I think it's important to show the world just how succesful 9th Grade Students can be and how important pre-school leavers are to the region."
Valerie's Band 'My Daughters Aorta recently had a top 756 hit on Canada's Mulch Music Top 1000 chart entitled 'Go Away Bitch!'
Way to go Valerie!
Moncton is a buzz with live music this summer! The Coliseum pays host to top American Skiffle band 'The Village Of Dicks' next Friday.
Fronted by Dave Dick and his brothers Eric, Paul and Derek, these veteran shirt and tie skiffle singers will be woo-ing the audience with such classics like 'Infertility Creeps', 'My Mothers Humps' and their chart topping US hit 'The Skin Bone Skiffle Bop!'
Tickets are priced $270 and are available from all reasonable musical outlets.
ATLANTIC HEAD CHEESE FESTIVAL
 |
|
Canada's Head Cheese Maker's President Patrick Roy Upbeat Ahead Of The Festival.
Moncton, NB (AP). It might look nausiating to the average person, but to someone who loves Head Cheese, it’s exciting!” said Head Cheese Judge Helmet Käsegebäck.
Chief Judge Käsegebäck is one of sixteen judges casting his vote for the number one Head Cheese here in Moncton, New Brunswick.“I never met a Head Cheese I didn’t like,” Käsegebäck said. An opinion that has remained unchanged despite twenty years of Head Cheese judging.
“I like any Head Cheese. My refrigerator is full of Head Cheese,” Käsegebäck enthused, enthusiastically.
thirty eight thousand pounds of Head Cheese have been shipped in from all parts of the world for this weekend's festival. A festival showcasing the best the world has to offer and from 36 different varieties Head Cheese enthusiasts will not be dissapointed!
“The winner of this category is going to come out to be almost perfect,” said Belgian Head Cheese Judge Bertie Assinachling.
Canada's Head Cheese Maker's President Patrick Roy says the judging is about more than what makes a Head Cheese good.“What they’re doing here is defect judging. They’re not looking for what’s good, they’re looking for what’s wrong. Kind of like the Moncton Wildcat's Hockey Goal tender during the 2006 Memorial Cup final". Roy said.
"There’s no better place to judge what’s good about Head Cheese than the Maritimes" Judge Käsegebäck grinned, piling a spoonful into his mouth.
Tickets are available to the first 500 tasters and can be purchased from the Moncton Farmers Market at $99.99.
BOOK CORNER
 |
|
101 Onion rings is the latest million selling book by controversial Scientology Author Reg Cubik.
Published by Fantum books, Mr Cubik offers a rather intriguing new theory that Saturn's rings may indeed be made of fried Onions.
"It's been well documented that things are not all that they seem to be." Reg recently pointed out during one of Hollywood Superstar Tim Cruise's Scientology speeches."Case in point, we have no evidence that supports the rings may not contain fried matter."
Cubik went on to conclude that the beings known as 'Thetans' were around millions of years ago could well have had a taste for fried food well before humans got a taste for it. "We are afterall products of Thetan activity. It's highly probably that they passed the fast food G-nome onto our present humanoid life forms, such as early Americans".
Whether you belive Cubik's 417 page dossier or not does not really matter as it offers many entertaining and often light hearted alternative scenarios including the fact that the Number one terror suspect Bin Laden could have, in a previous life, been a well-know television chef.
The book is priced $21.99 and is available in all fine book stores.
COLLECTORS CORNER
 |
|
Wall Sockets. Gustav Lieberhorn has been a Wall Socket collector for over twenty years and has over three thousand different varieties to date.
"It all started when I electrocuted myself while shaving. I think the Lord was pushing me towards a much higher voltage in life." Gustav recalled.
Mr Lieberhorn 's favourite sockets include the XCSS Chrome Shaver Socket, complete the variant limited edition Satin Chrome and Satin Brass Socket Set. "An Absolute must-have in the Shavers collection!" Lieberhorn enthused.
Liberhorn also explained that his WH3620 Duplex Triple Pole Outlet is a real goer too! "Once you've tried this baby you'll never want to look back!" He exclaimed, enthusiastically.
Ask Lieberhorn which is his favourite manufacturer and he'll tell you that it's the Zhejiang Lide Electrical Company of China. "Without a doubt they make some of the world's outstanding socket appliances! They are responsible for the ES85GT/F - End TV FM Wall Socket and the ES90G Data Loop, Data only Wall Socket."
Get collecting Wall Socket fans! There's a whole new world to explore out there. Just ask Gustav Lieberhorn!
|
