Our strenghts and weaknesses
Life's been pretty good to me during the past year. I've pretty much been happy most of the time. I've had my "bad" nights and maybe a few problems coming along my way. But compared to others, or even the past years, i've had a pretty steady life.

I guess it all started, when I realized that I dont want any more drama in my life. Last year, I remember, when I came back from travelling, I looked at life differently. Adam kind of helped me in this too. I just realized that I had dated more than 40 guys (all very healthy relationships, no sex involved) and all I got from those relationships wether they were casual/serious or happy/sad was almost nothing!

I thought if I date a lot of guys, I' ll get to know my opposite sex really well; and I'll know what I want from him and what i'm ideal guy is. I also thought, dating different guys with different personalities will help me FIND myself and know what my taste is and what I want. I also thought, If none of these relationships work, then at least I'll remain friends with these guys, cause they were mostly nice!

This could make sense to some extend. I mean I did get to know the guys. I have become more confident dealing with them. I certainly have learned lots of things from them; and wether I was hurt or happy, I always learned something about them and the relationship.

But, what I didnt learn or find, was myself!! for the longest time, I thought I had to search myself in others. Find who I am in other's eye. and that was my mistake. I stepped into friendships/relationships which were focused mostly around the guy and not me! cause I didnt know who I am, and I was trying to become or get along with the guy!! I had no say in anything... everything was revolved around the guy. I thought the key to a happy relationship (or even a friendship for that matter) is to make the person happy and make lots of sacrifices. WRONG!

All these times, I never even took 2 hours to myself to think about who I am and what I really want from myself first!! I always thought, being the society's or the opposite sex's "perfect girl" is the way to go. I was dependent. I thought I was confident and secure, cause I got enough attention look wise, to think that I can have anybody or anything I want. WRONG! Then I wondered why my relationship wouldnt last more than 4 months. After all, I was trying to become what the want. And I was attractive enough for them . what else would they want?

I remember once. One of my sadest break ups: The guy took me to the beach (where we had our best memories) stood in front of me, looked me in the eyes, and said " all these four months, I've had zero feelings for you. All I can say is that you are exteremly nice and attractive.I liked you at first but as time went by, our connection became weaker and weaker. I dont even know why I have no feelings for you , but that's the way it is. Good bye".


Now, I know why. The key to any kind of successful relationship/friendship, is NOT following what others want. Is not pretending to be someone you are not. Is not hiding your feelings, cause you are scared of rejection. Is not becoming like all the other stupid 95% people of our society. Before you get in to anything serious, you should first sit down and take some time for realizing who you are and what you want from life. What are ur goals. What pleases YOU. what are your interest.There are so many avenues we can explore. Religion, Society, Sports, Psychology, etc. Some people devote all their lives into getting to know themselves and who they are.

Books, have helped me alot. They are not my everyday's thoughts/conversations. They take me into another world and open my eyes.These days i'm really tyring to get to know myself.

Its really hard sometimes. Knowing, that 90% of the friend I had, Of whome I had so much "fun" with, of whome I was so close to... have to go. I cant get along with some of them anymore. They dont seem like my real friends anymore. I dont learn from them. I just simply spend my leisure time with them; but even that leisure time, is becoming painful for me, simply because i'm in another state of mind right now, and they are holding me back from reaching it.

It's hard to let go. But I have to do it ; and find people who I can connect with now, that i've changed a little bit. I still have a long way to go. I have not completley matured yet. I have not changed THAT MUCH. I know 2 months from now, I'll look back and this and realize that i've learned/changed so much more.

The biggest lesson i've learnt. Is to be myself and not act! and all people/friends around me are acting constantly. It bothers me so much, that I really dont want to keep in touch with them. None of them are trying to show their real selves to me, or even to themselves; and that's a weakness! that's insecurity and that's fooling urself and others! I was like that, I still might be a little bit. But this really bothers me and irretates me. I'm trying to change it.


As far as guys go. Now I know, no matter who I am with, No matter who he is. I will be myself; and I will demand respect for who I am. I will show my realself , and if somebody does not like it, then that person , is probably not the person I want to be with. I have to be accepted for the person I am and for my own uniquness. There is no body in the world like me. No single person who looks exactly like me or has my exact same personality. So i'm unique, I am ME and I am proud of it. There is no reason why, I have to change for others. I am happy with what I have to offer. And if the person is right, he will accept and cherish me and vise versa.


To follow, and to change for others, ONLY because you want to be accepted, is WEAK and unhealthy. To say "i'm sorry" ,when you dont feel you did anything wrong, to not share your thoughts or feelings; and only go by, what that person says, to not argue or discuss anything you dont agree on, etc , is unhealthy. This way you only destroy youself. and you show that you have absolutely no ability to control/decide or share. This is the biggest turn off for guys. This is a big reason why some people
"fall out of love", or the relationship becomes "boring" or "tiring" , etc.

If you be urself and show urself, everytime you have somethign new and interesting to show and offer, and that person never gets tried or seeing it. Everyday is exciting and interesting and it is indeed, never "boring".

Isnt it funny?...
How you could love and hate someone at the same time?..

These times i'm putting a closure on my relationship with my ex..

Some nights I think about the memories we had.. how we laughed.. how we had so much fun in every way with each other.. and I end up missing him and his company..

some nights I think about him and how we were.. and at the end I end up hating his guts...

If I had a choice, to write a letter to him and express my pure, true feelings. .I could devote one part to my anger and the other part to my love and care..

I think it would go like this:

the love part:

I miss those nights, we used to drive around,, and how you used to make fun of everyone you saw, and hard I would laugh, cause you had that strange, smart sense of humor. The funny thing was that, I was the only one who found your humor so funny and I would laugh at it so hard everytime, even you would get suprised why?..


I loved those nights, when I would come over from school, and you would make tea for me.. hot and delicious, in those cold winter days,, and how you wanted me to add honey to it, and I wouldnt and you would get so frustrated. You once made me a polish split pea soup, I was sick. ...it was mmm mm good.. I asked you for it again, but you never had the ingredients.. I'd do anything to have anotherone
..


I loved how we lied beside eachother for hours, trying to watch a movie, and this chemistry was so crazy, we never ever ended up finishing the movie, without not doing "something" to eachother;

And what I loved even more than that, was how messy my hair would get at the end, and how you used to go and get a comb and try to comb in for me.. you tried so hard to be gentle..you looked so adorable and naive with that comb in your hand, I wanted to jumb and give you a big kiss and grab your cheeks :)

I loved, how your mom used to call your nose "the sky jump" cause it was so cute :) I always used to play around with ur face and you used to get annoyed sometimes and push my hand away.. and still I would laugh harder and play more with you.

I loved your smile.. how calm it was. Even when you were so stressed out and you were so close to exploding, your smile could fool any one into thinking you have no problems or difficulties in your life.

I loved you used to put your head on my chest and fall asleep.. I loved how you would try so hard for me to sleep comfortably till morning.. I used to kick you out of the bed.. hehe.. I used to get all the blankets and you would freeze till the morning.. but all you would say in the morning was " did you have a good sleep" and when i said "yes", you would say " ok , can we get it on now? I've been fantasizing your butt again " :)

I loved how hard u tried to be friendly with my friends even if you didnt approve of them or didnt have much in common with them.

I loved how everytime I came over ur place, you had that scent I loved (forgot the name) burning and ur place would smell so good..

I loved that one day, I wasnt feeling good cause i just got my pms, and you came to my work, you brought tea and a little apple pie .. hehe.. it amuzed me, how you didnt mind pms and it didnt disguss you or make you wanna puke, like it would all the other guys.. how you thought it was just a biological thing and didnt over analyze that much..

How much respect you had for ur mom and your family, how polite you were to them ( at least in front of me :) )


How intellignet you were. How you did not bore me all this time cause you always had something new and unique to say


and above all, 2 things :


I loved our exterme chemistry. I could never find anything wrong with your body and how you moved and how you pleased me. Everything we did was so joyfull, i'll cherish every moment of it... how perfect me and you were when we were making love.. at least to me..

(some thing really wise, Alex(our mutual friend) said the other night tho, was that: females get a physical attachment to the guys, they are intimate with; and then think, yes he's the one and I would never have as much fun with anyone else but him; and its wrong, cause even that physical attachment can get you blinded... )

and your intelligence and uniqueness. I could go on about this. How I envied and admired it. It was unblievable. The only thing that made me respect you that much. I've never respected anyone else this way. You were so different. You're ideas were so unique and new. And you were so certain...It made you look even sexier to me. I was like a little child .. You had just opened my eyes and you had just showed me so many wonders in the world..that's why I kep coming back for more.. asking for more.. and just when you realized it.. you stop.. but I didnt.. I followed the way you showed me. .and i'm in it now.. thank you, for opening my eyes...

I could think of other things I loved about you.. but for now.. I'll stop..

=================================================

Today at work , I was trying to think of the things I didnt like about you and us. I could think of lots of thing.. but at the end I realized this:


When you think negative, You say negative. When you say negative, you become negative. When you become negative, you act negative. When you act negative, you reflect your negativeness on others. When others become negative with you, there will form a negative energy. The negative energy brings everyone down, including you.

I've decided not to get into the stuff, I didnt like about you. I sometimes hurt and you hurt me too; and every minute I was hurt/upset, was a minute wasted from my life, and I wont let you or myself to waste my precious time and energy on where/why or how me and you went wrong. What's done is done and all I can do, is to learn from it.

All I am going to say will be regarding last week.

A week ago you called me on Saturday night. You were drunk and you wanted me to come over. I didnt come over. What you did was disrespectful.(but I didnt make a big deal our of it cause , cause even if I was drunk, I would have probably done the same thing you did..but you've been doing this for a while and everytime I say no and I dont come over, but you dont stop); but you didnt stop there. The next day I didnt hear anything about you. I didnt hear anything from you for a week. I started to get worried, cause we used to talk almost everyday and all the sudden you stoped. I called you twice and I left a msg you never called back. So I got really worried and did what I dont usually dont do. I blocked my number and called you . You picked up and said "(with laughter) hello?" .. and that's all I needed...


It's unbelievable how small you look to me, right now. It's unbelievable how much respect I've lost for you. What you did, is what an 18 year old , scared, insecured teenage boy does, to run away! you could have been straight up and said " i dont want to talk for a while" . I am not desparate to talk/be with you. But no , you decided to ignore. and so you did. I cant believe how low and pothetic you acted. But then again on the other hand, I'm not that surprised. You did the same thing 2 years ago when we were seeing eachother. and you did it last year as well.

I dont know how I managed to stay friend with you for 4 years. And even worse that that, how could I take you back 3 times, knowing that, you are this ignorant and immature at this thing. I dont know, maybe it was other parts of your personality that kept me attracted to you.

But I was unfair to you as well. Maybe I helped you to be this ignorant. Everytime we had an arguement, when I tried to reason with you, you would raise your voice and start yelling; my only way to calm you down, was to stay quiet, listen and tell you " i'm sorry" . It was weak and unhealthy of me to do that. I was intimidated by you. This led you into thinking that you were always right and I was always wrong. This is probably why you are the selfish person you are right now. I'm sorry, I betrayed both you and myself, by not being able to stand up and "give you a good verbal kick in the ass" sometimes.I'll never do this to anyone else.


But you know what? You treat people, how you want to be treated. I wish I could give you a taste of your own medicine and be ignorant. But I wasnt raised that way, and even now , I dont want to turn ignorant on anyone. It's true that, you get what you deserve. And clearly you didnt deserve me (you as well, said and agreed on this). You deserve someone who is into playing these games. You deserve somebody who treats you like you dont exist.

But know this: If to you life is a game, and you and others around you are players, at the end : EVERYONE will lose.

I hope you grow.

Luxury
My customers are all people who are into luxury. 6 months ago I didnt know anything about expensive brands, luxury accessaries and clothing ,etc. In these 6 months, I've got to know what's going on and what's the main reason why some people are so into these things.

I see ladies having luise vieutton bags that range from $2000 to $30000 or more in their hands. And then my co-workers look at them and approach them, cause they think they are going to have a huge sale. It's funny how sometimes they try everything on, but dont buy shit, unless if the brand name is cleary displayed on the clothing or the bag, so that everyone can see!

I've asked a lot of people, what the purpose of this might be. My manager once said, some people would like to show their social class, and they want to show that they can actually afford this $5000 bag. And that's pretty much the reason why they do it. Looking deeper into this:Whatever kind of luxury it is, these people want to SHOW to others that they can have it. Does "showing off" bring power or security? Does displaying these items to everyone, make them a better or more powerfull than others? Does the amount of money you have, declare your social class? Is it the only element in identifying who you are and what you deserve in our society?

Some people should have actually believed in this theory, since the luxury business these day is making more money than ever.

Now,I dont want to mix these people with some people who believe in quality and uniquness.These people only buy things for themselves and their own personal use not others! I dont get purpose of buying things, where the NAME, identifies the PRICE, not the quality or uniqueness! its disturbing.


You see all kinds of different people, with all kinds of age range, wearing, carrying, driving, etc luxury things. If "showing off" is the only reason why they do it, dont you think our society is turning into something very superficial, disturbing and scary?

Can you think of any other reason, why so many people believe in luxury and support this business so much? (Quality can not be a reason. quality of a luxury item might be good, but wont be anywhere even close worth the price you pay for)

I'll post this on CV to see how many different opinions I get.

My fantacy the other night...
(this is not nessessarily with one particular person in mind..it's a mixture of what really pleases me, think of it as a little story.. )
=======================================

I know exactly when its gonna happen.. end of september to middle of october.

I know exactly what i'm gonna wear.. long black boots, a mini brown skirt, and a baige turtle neck top..My hair waivy, long , olive color, all around my shoulders and arms...

I know where its going to happen.. we just had a nice dinner and I came over your place to have tea for a couple minutes and leave.

We have our tea and our little conversation. Its time to go. I feel the rush inside me. I know its going to happen. But i'll act as if like i'm really leaving; this way i'll add up to that aggression inside me and inside you. I see your smile. I look into your eyes. I can see how bad you want me and how deep I want you.

I can still smell the scent of this room, every time I come here, I feel peace. I can feel your smile, I've seen this smile, after it ends and we lie beside eachother, cuddling.

I smile back at you, trying to think and focus on this good bye. I give you a hug. My body against you. I feel your warmth. My cheek against your neck, reminds me of how tickly you were, when I kissed it. I hold you for a few second and you hold me. Its been a long time, I can feel that coziness , that closeness, that crazy chemistry we had before.

I have to let go. I depart my body, looking into your eyes, you still have your hands around my waist. I turn away to leave. but you are still holding me. I turn back and look at you. you want me. I can tell in your eyes. you want me badly and I want you.

trapped in confusion; I keep on looking at you. Is it worth it? is this pleasure of closeness worth all the pain i'm going to have later? or is it going to change this time? "change".. is what I hope for, everytime i'm with you.

I become myself again. you are still there, looking. you are closer to my face. I tell you how much I want you with my eyes, and before I know you close the door and push me against the wall... you know how much that turns me on. you lock your hands in mine and push them against the wall as well. no more looking.. I can feel your lips. still the same proportions. still warm. you know how to play with my lips. we kiss and you push your body against mine. My eyes locked up. I keep on kissing you. how passionate.. yes.. this chemistry with not go away. you move your hands up and down my body.

I feel a joyful warmth all over my body.. inside me. I want to resist it. the pain will be more than the joy, but this joy is the hardest thing to resist... you put your hands in my hair.. you gently push my hair down and kiss me harder. I get dizzy. this joy is taking over my body. I put my hands around your neck . I move my lips to you neck. I kiss you passionately. that sweet skin you have... I could kiss it all night.. you move your hands and take off my top ... its me .. bare.. my hair falls on my shoulders.. my breast.. my back..all around me. you brush my hair away from my breasts , and touch them. I look at you.. why are your hands so magical? why is this feeling so different with you. my hands are still around your neck.. I push you down. you put your lips around my nipples.. and you kiss... That warmth inside me, changes into a joyful burn.. all over mybody.. I want you badly.

you look at me again..our eyes meet and you know what i'm telling you. You grap me and lift me up and carry me to the bed.

That comfy feeling I get when i'm on your bed.. hehe.. how many times did you have to wash those sheets? poor baby.. its just you.. its this chemistry that gets me this much turned on, gets me this dripping wet...


I take off your clothes, as fast as I can, I cant wait anymore.. and you take off mine.. I feel your warm body brushing against me..

Its been a long time.. this time it's going to hurt.. but the pain is the greatest and most joyful pain.. i'll take it..

I grab it and look at it.. I smile.. I used to call it "my husband" , cause I loved it so much... I used to tell you that this is my husband and its alway mine and even if we broke up and you got married, THIS is still mine and no one elses. and that I would never cheat on my husband and I need my husband to make me happy all the time. you smiled and agreed, and we both knew, its not going to happen..

This could give me the most extrodinary gift.. that's why, I thank you eveytime we make love. And you look at me, like i'm weird for saying that.. and you ask me why do I thank you? only if you know, what kind of a pleasure you give me.. you would want me to thank you 24/7.

Its hot .. in my little hands.. it's hard... I can still feel that burn inside me. I want it with my body and I want you in my soul.. cant wait anymore. You kiss me again.. I close my eyes, and put you inside me. I tell you to go slow. It's really going to hurt this time. You move slowly in me.. inch by inch.. you pause for a couple seconds so I can breath and take it in. a couple pushes and I think you are inside and this joy's only going to get better.. but no .. there's still more. You get bigger and bigger, everytime, i swear! you push it harder .. I cant control my voice getting louder.. you push it even harder.. I scream..

I havent had this in so long.. I've missed it so much.. I grab you and push you close and we both move together.. you know how to move. I dont have to say anything.. you know how exactly I want it..you are so deep inside me, I'm giving my whole self to you. you are so deep, its undescribable..

quickly you turn me over.. and you feel my back.. you say "this feels good.. I missed your bum" .. i smile and you enter me again..

inside me.. i'm burning.. its another kind of burn.. its heaven.. I feel hot and dizzy.. cant take this anymore.. my voice louder and louder.. cant control it anymore... I take a deep breath .. my body shakes... my legs are numb..

I scream louder and you push harder and deeper..

we become one..

Are you real?
Its a good question. You definately have to give it some thought.

Being real to me, means :

1. knowing yourself and who you are inside
2. having enough confidence to actually show the real you. The person who lives inside you.
3. not being scared to be urself and say what you feel. Not being scared of being rejected because of who you are.
4. Not acting
5. Not pretending
6. Not convinsing others to accept you
7. listening to both your heart and your brain
8. Not regreting things that you truely wanted to do.
etc..

I am amost a 100% confident that at least 95% of the people in our society, hide their "real" selves, either because they are scared of rejection, or that they are scared of getting hurt or misunderstood.

Why do we do this? why do we put a different person out, eachtime we are socializing? Why do we use and act like different personalities with different people?

Ever thought about this statement? " I get along with everybody!" . Do you believe in it? I dont! People are so different, in so many different ways, there is NO WAY to get along with everyone, UNLESS you turn yourself to somebody they accept/like. Do you think this statement is real? Do you honestly think if you become yourself and act, feel and talk like who you are, everyone would accept you? no. I dont think so..

I personally was one of those people, who changes with different kinds of people. Most of the time, I act really dumb. Sometimes I act like an unaware,superficial teenager. Sometimes I laugh really loud and flirt with guys( not in a smart way),without intentionally wanting to. I see the looks. I see how they are laughing with me . and i know exactly what they are thinking.

Then I come home. So frustrated. So disappointed in myself. I want to kill myself.I hate the feelings of being unreal. Of not being myself. and in a way to fool others into believing that i'm that naive, cheap, flirty little girl, with a very small world. I feel like some people think i'm stupid. These times I want to cry. I feel trapped in to this gross habit, that i've been unaware of most of my life, and I'm just finding out about it.

I'm 20 years old. I've lived this kinda personality all mylife. and getting rid/out of it is the hardest thing. Cause when you are socializing, you cant focus on yourself. You are talking to others and interacting;so this personality comes out without you being aware of it. Its because you are so used to it. Its always been the way you are. Its hard to remember each time you are with other people, to be urself and control this gross behaivior.

The other day I was thinking of drawing a cross on my hand, and when I go out with friends, I look at it and it reminds me of being myself.
I'm really working on it. I feel less frustrated these days. I am slowly coming out of my inside. at least I can show everyone who I am.

The people who have known me for a long time, respect me so much, its exteremly flattering. These people are the ones who know who I am inside, and for some reason they are amazed. Those are the people who I get my real respect from.

But in the first impressions, I always come out, either as too friendly and kind and/or stupid and cheap.

Another very smart thing my ex said the other day; we were talking on msn , and I told him about this blog, and he was diagreeing with me on it. He said "why would you want to share you privacy with others? do you enjoy that? If you want to keep a diary do it on a word document and keep it for yourself!"

I said " this is the only time and only way I can express who I am and I get be 100% pure and honest with myself. I need this to help me get out of my shell and be the real me!" , and he said:

" It all your actions. talking doesnt do you any good. It's all in the action" -very wise.

I agree with his comment. But I need to think and talk about the real me first. And then when I believe in myself and know myself, I can act it.
The more I think about who I am , My goal in life, what I want to be, and who I want to be, the more I can act real. I definately have to talk my real self out and then act like the real me.(for some reason, its hard for me to explain and put what I feel in words! this all might seem like non-sense to you.. but at least i'm letting it out..sorry about the typos and grammar mistakes :) )

My ex knows who he is. and he acts it, like there's no tomorrow. Another thing I adore about him. I'm trying my best to make this change and feel good about who I am.

wish me luck :)

Last night
Last night
Ok.. last night was bad night. These days I feel exteremly lonely. I try to make myself busy with readying books , working and doing different activities. It never seems to be enough.


I have many people around me. But I only feel comfortable hanging out with 2 people out of all. One WAS my ex and the other one, my best friend and the only girlfriend I have in my life right now.

I recently broke up with him. And I try to not talk to him that much, so it'll be easier to get over him. And my best friend.... this is were it gets really sad.

We used to be so close. we've been best friends for like 7 years now. We love eachother to death. We have history. We've always been there for eachother whenever I needed someone to talk to, the first person who would come to my mind would be her and vise versa.

We used to share our thoughts . We had our fights and laughs. She understands me and I understand her. Sometimes I thank god for being this much blessed to have her... I could go on about this and i'd be typing for ever...

but , recentely, I'v sensing that we've grown apart. I am really growing. superficial things.. guys... and soup oprah ,etc, are moving away from my life.

I'm concentrating on seeing the world as a whole and i'm not really paying attention to the people who are into the media , soup oprah and FOLLOWING whatever they see or hear.

I've changed a lot. She hasnt. She's still the same old Shiva. I started dating guy way earlier than her. I've had my share of relationships, casual dating, "friendship with benefits" , etc. She hasnt. She's still interested in the guys, who play and dont know what's going on in the world. Most of her day are wasted with crying over someone who is unaware and immature.

I care alot about her. I've tried to tell her in everyway, that i've gone through what she has, and its nothing but waste of time and energy and she should look for REAL things in her life. But I cant expect her to change this early. After all , When I was doing the things she was doing, I thought i was right and everyone else was wrong and noone would understand me.

She listens. She agrees but she cants change. Guys are just as addictive as drugs. Its the hardest thing to get rid of some guy who you are so used to. You tend to live with their mistake or pretend that you are not seeing their weaknesses and mistakes. You sacrifise, your feelngs and your priorities , just so you would stay with them , and just so things would not change.


Change is hard. Change in anything is hard. Humans always tend to shift towards laziness and maintaining what they have. Its hard to spend so much time and energy in something new , that's hard to bear at first; Change is some thing that cant always garauntee you success, and you dont want to put so much effort into something that's not garauntee. Instead you'd rather stick to what you have right now. You are afraid of losing it nor do you want to put so much energy into ur change.

In Shiva's case, she'd rather stick with this guy, who's got pretty much nothing to offer, except a decent personality. She knows she can do better. She knows he does not deserve her. She knows its almost impossible to have a future with him; yet she doesnt give up. why? sometimes I ask her , and she said It's love and the fact that she's not used to him.

Its not love. Real love, would not hold you back from making changes and exploring your potentials. Unlike, what a lot of people say, real love is NOT blind. It makes you see things clearer and see the real world. Love doesnt happen when you get used to someone. Love lets you go and find your goal in life. Life's makes that goal seem or real and signifiant, and it makes all the other superficial things , seem so insignificant. I have not experiences it. There's been times when I felt : yes! this is real love, but it was nothing but a big crush and a little mind which is happy and thrilled with what it was being introduced to: opposite sex and the joy he was bringing me. That different feeling that nothing else but him , would give you. It was new and exciting. It was not love.

And that's what she's feeling. These days, he brings her more sorrow than joy. But she still holds on. why? I sometimes ask... i guess it's the history. History does not happy over night. It takes time and when its created, It remains in your memory cells and keeps reminding and repeating itself.

For whatever reason, me and her are seeing things in different views. To me she needs to grow up and clear her vision. To her I just dont understand, cause i'm not in her shoes and I am not feelign what she is feeling. But I have felt what she's felt and I do understand her. I aslo have seen how these things end and what remains out of them . Thats why i dont want her to continue with this.

Both me and he have valid reasons. I cant say which one of us is right or wrong.. no body knows about that. but the result of this conflict of interests, have become a gap between me and her and its not fun.


I talk to her sometimes, I feel like i'm talking to a stranger. I dont know her anymore; becaue i've grown and have changed and I dont understand what she's tlaking about. I could relate . But i cant understand anymore.

That's why I feel lonely. I dont really have any other girl friends. I'd like to have many girl ffriends now. I used to hate girls and the jelously and the soap oprah. But now I beleive that there are girls who might think like me or close to me. Girls who I could have a good and mature relationship with and feel comfortable around.

I'd like to meet some. We'll see what future brings :)

Thoughts and Theories
Ok, This blog is going to be devoted to my thoughts and theories.

I understand that I'm very young. My ideas might be very immature and superficial or vise versa.

I'm in the process of learning and recognizing who I really am. I 've realized alot of things in this past year. I am breaking out of my little teenage, superficial shell, and I am being introduced to myself and the potentionals I have.

I am trying to re'create me and my ideas. I am not claiming to be mature or intellectual or deep or better than anyone. I'm simply stating what I think about different aspects of life at this point.

As i'm changing my ideas and morals will change with me. So what I say today might change tomorrow.

Anyone 's free to agree or disagree with me and explain why in the "comments" section. I'd appreciate your time!

- Ronak