Are you real?
Its a good question. You definately have to give it some thought.

Being real to me, means :

1. knowing yourself and who you are inside
2. having enough confidence to actually show the real you. The person who lives inside you.
3. not being scared to be urself and say what you feel. Not being scared of being rejected because of who you are.
4. Not acting
5. Not pretending
6. Not convinsing others to accept you
7. listening to both your heart and your brain
8. Not regreting things that you truely wanted to do.
etc..

I am amost a 100% confident that at least 95% of the people in our society, hide their "real" selves, either because they are scared of rejection, or that they are scared of getting hurt or misunderstood.

Why do we do this? why do we put a different person out, eachtime we are socializing? Why do we use and act like different personalities with different people?

Ever thought about this statement? " I get along with everybody!" . Do you believe in it? I dont! People are so different, in so many different ways, there is NO WAY to get along with everyone, UNLESS you turn yourself to somebody they accept/like. Do you think this statement is real? Do you honestly think if you become yourself and act, feel and talk like who you are, everyone would accept you? no. I dont think so..

I personally was one of those people, who changes with different kinds of people. Most of the time, I act really dumb. Sometimes I act like an unaware,superficial teenager. Sometimes I laugh really loud and flirt with guys( not in a smart way),without intentionally wanting to. I see the looks. I see how they are laughing with me . and i know exactly what they are thinking.

Then I come home. So frustrated. So disappointed in myself. I want to kill myself.I hate the feelings of being unreal. Of not being myself. and in a way to fool others into believing that i'm that naive, cheap, flirty little girl, with a very small world. I feel like some people think i'm stupid. These times I want to cry. I feel trapped in to this gross habit, that i've been unaware of most of my life, and I'm just finding out about it.

I'm 20 years old. I've lived this kinda personality all mylife. and getting rid/out of it is the hardest thing. Cause when you are socializing, you cant focus on yourself. You are talking to others and interacting;so this personality comes out without you being aware of it. Its because you are so used to it. Its always been the way you are. Its hard to remember each time you are with other people, to be urself and control this gross behaivior.

The other day I was thinking of drawing a cross on my hand, and when I go out with friends, I look at it and it reminds me of being myself.
I'm really working on it. I feel less frustrated these days. I am slowly coming out of my inside. at least I can show everyone who I am.

The people who have known me for a long time, respect me so much, its exteremly flattering. These people are the ones who know who I am inside, and for some reason they are amazed. Those are the people who I get my real respect from.

But in the first impressions, I always come out, either as too friendly and kind and/or stupid and cheap.

Another very smart thing my ex said the other day; we were talking on msn , and I told him about this blog, and he was diagreeing with me on it. He said "why would you want to share you privacy with others? do you enjoy that? If you want to keep a diary do it on a word document and keep it for yourself!"

I said " this is the only time and only way I can express who I am and I get be 100% pure and honest with myself. I need this to help me get out of my shell and be the real me!" , and he said:

" It all your actions. talking doesnt do you any good. It's all in the action" -very wise.

I agree with his comment. But I need to think and talk about the real me first. And then when I believe in myself and know myself, I can act it.
The more I think about who I am , My goal in life, what I want to be, and who I want to be, the more I can act real. I definately have to talk my real self out and then act like the real me.(for some reason, its hard for me to explain and put what I feel in words! this all might seem like non-sense to you.. but at least i'm letting it out..sorry about the typos and grammar mistakes :) )

My ex knows who he is. and he acts it, like there's no tomorrow. Another thing I adore about him. I'm trying my best to make this change and feel good about who I am.

wish me luck :)

Last night
Last night
Ok.. last night was bad night. These days I feel exteremly lonely. I try to make myself busy with readying books , working and doing different activities. It never seems to be enough.


I have many people around me. But I only feel comfortable hanging out with 2 people out of all. One WAS my ex and the other one, my best friend and the only girlfriend I have in my life right now.

I recently broke up with him. And I try to not talk to him that much, so it'll be easier to get over him. And my best friend.... this is were it gets really sad.

We used to be so close. we've been best friends for like 7 years now. We love eachother to death. We have history. We've always been there for eachother whenever I needed someone to talk to, the first person who would come to my mind would be her and vise versa.

We used to share our thoughts . We had our fights and laughs. She understands me and I understand her. Sometimes I thank god for being this much blessed to have her... I could go on about this and i'd be typing for ever...

but , recentely, I'v sensing that we've grown apart. I am really growing. superficial things.. guys... and soup oprah ,etc, are moving away from my life.

I'm concentrating on seeing the world as a whole and i'm not really paying attention to the people who are into the media , soup oprah and FOLLOWING whatever they see or hear.

I've changed a lot. She hasnt. She's still the same old Shiva. I started dating guy way earlier than her. I've had my share of relationships, casual dating, "friendship with benefits" , etc. She hasnt. She's still interested in the guys, who play and dont know what's going on in the world. Most of her day are wasted with crying over someone who is unaware and immature.

I care alot about her. I've tried to tell her in everyway, that i've gone through what she has, and its nothing but waste of time and energy and she should look for REAL things in her life. But I cant expect her to change this early. After all , When I was doing the things she was doing, I thought i was right and everyone else was wrong and noone would understand me.

She listens. She agrees but she cants change. Guys are just as addictive as drugs. Its the hardest thing to get rid of some guy who you are so used to. You tend to live with their mistake or pretend that you are not seeing their weaknesses and mistakes. You sacrifise, your feelngs and your priorities , just so you would stay with them , and just so things would not change.


Change is hard. Change in anything is hard. Humans always tend to shift towards laziness and maintaining what they have. Its hard to spend so much time and energy in something new , that's hard to bear at first; Change is some thing that cant always garauntee you success, and you dont want to put so much effort into something that's not garauntee. Instead you'd rather stick to what you have right now. You are afraid of losing it nor do you want to put so much energy into ur change.

In Shiva's case, she'd rather stick with this guy, who's got pretty much nothing to offer, except a decent personality. She knows she can do better. She knows he does not deserve her. She knows its almost impossible to have a future with him; yet she doesnt give up. why? sometimes I ask her , and she said It's love and the fact that she's not used to him.

Its not love. Real love, would not hold you back from making changes and exploring your potentials. Unlike, what a lot of people say, real love is NOT blind. It makes you see things clearer and see the real world. Love doesnt happen when you get used to someone. Love lets you go and find your goal in life. Life's makes that goal seem or real and signifiant, and it makes all the other superficial things , seem so insignificant. I have not experiences it. There's been times when I felt : yes! this is real love, but it was nothing but a big crush and a little mind which is happy and thrilled with what it was being introduced to: opposite sex and the joy he was bringing me. That different feeling that nothing else but him , would give you. It was new and exciting. It was not love.

And that's what she's feeling. These days, he brings her more sorrow than joy. But she still holds on. why? I sometimes ask... i guess it's the history. History does not happy over night. It takes time and when its created, It remains in your memory cells and keeps reminding and repeating itself.

For whatever reason, me and her are seeing things in different views. To me she needs to grow up and clear her vision. To her I just dont understand, cause i'm not in her shoes and I am not feelign what she is feeling. But I have felt what she's felt and I do understand her. I aslo have seen how these things end and what remains out of them . Thats why i dont want her to continue with this.

Both me and he have valid reasons. I cant say which one of us is right or wrong.. no body knows about that. but the result of this conflict of interests, have become a gap between me and her and its not fun.


I talk to her sometimes, I feel like i'm talking to a stranger. I dont know her anymore; becaue i've grown and have changed and I dont understand what she's tlaking about. I could relate . But i cant understand anymore.

That's why I feel lonely. I dont really have any other girl friends. I'd like to have many girl ffriends now. I used to hate girls and the jelously and the soap oprah. But now I beleive that there are girls who might think like me or close to me. Girls who I could have a good and mature relationship with and feel comfortable around.

I'd like to meet some. We'll see what future brings :)

Thoughts and Theories
Ok, This blog is going to be devoted to my thoughts and theories.

I understand that I'm very young. My ideas might be very immature and superficial or vise versa.

I'm in the process of learning and recognizing who I really am. I 've realized alot of things in this past year. I am breaking out of my little teenage, superficial shell, and I am being introduced to myself and the potentionals I have.

I am trying to re'create me and my ideas. I am not claiming to be mature or intellectual or deep or better than anyone. I'm simply stating what I think about different aspects of life at this point.

As i'm changing my ideas and morals will change with me. So what I say today might change tomorrow.

Anyone 's free to agree or disagree with me and explain why in the "comments" section. I'd appreciate your time!

- Ronak