Last night
Ok.. last night was bad night. These days I feel exteremly lonely. I try to make myself busy with readying books , working and doing different activities. It never seems to be enough.
I have many people around me. But I only feel comfortable hanging out with 2 people out of all. One WAS my ex and the other one, my best friend and the only girlfriend I have in my life right now.
I recently broke up with him. And I try to not talk to him that much, so it'll be easier to get over him. And my best friend.... this is were it gets really sad.
We used to be so close. we've been best friends for like 7 years now. We love eachother to death. We have history. We've always been there for eachother whenever I needed someone to talk to, the first person who would come to my mind would be her and vise versa.
We used to share our thoughts . We had our fights and laughs. She understands me and I understand her. Sometimes I thank god for being this much blessed to have her... I could go on about this and i'd be typing for ever...
but , recentely, I'v sensing that we've grown apart. I am really growing. superficial things.. guys... and soup oprah ,etc, are moving away from my life.
I'm concentrating on seeing the world as a whole and i'm not really paying attention to the people who are into the media , soup oprah and FOLLOWING whatever they see or hear.
I've changed a lot. She hasnt. She's still the same old Shiva. I started dating guy way earlier than her. I've had my share of relationships, casual dating, "friendship with benefits" , etc. She hasnt. She's still interested in the guys, who play and dont know what's going on in the world. Most of her day are wasted with crying over someone who is unaware and immature.
I care alot about her. I've tried to tell her in everyway, that i've gone through what she has, and its nothing but waste of time and energy and she should look for REAL things in her life. But I cant expect her to change this early. After all , When I was doing the things she was doing, I thought i was right and everyone else was wrong and noone would understand me.
She listens. She agrees but she cants change. Guys are just as addictive as drugs. Its the hardest thing to get rid of some guy who you are so used to. You tend to live with their mistake or pretend that you are not seeing their weaknesses and mistakes. You sacrifise, your feelngs and your priorities , just so you would stay with them , and just so things would not change.
Change is hard. Change in anything is hard. Humans always tend to shift towards laziness and maintaining what they have. Its hard to spend so much time and energy in something new , that's hard to bear at first; Change is some thing that cant always garauntee you success, and you dont want to put so much effort into something that's not garauntee. Instead you'd rather stick to what you have right now. You are afraid of losing it nor do you want to put so much energy into ur change.
In Shiva's case, she'd rather stick with this guy, who's got pretty much nothing to offer, except a decent personality. She knows she can do better. She knows he does not deserve her. She knows its almost impossible to have a future with him; yet she doesnt give up. why? sometimes I ask her , and she said It's love and the fact that she's not used to him.
Its not love. Real love, would not hold you back from making changes and exploring your potentials. Unlike, what a lot of people say, real love is NOT blind. It makes you see things clearer and see the real world. Love doesnt happen when you get used to someone. Love lets you go and find your goal in life. Life's makes that goal seem or real and signifiant, and it makes all the other superficial things , seem so insignificant. I have not experiences it. There's been times when I felt : yes! this is real love, but it was nothing but a big crush and a little mind which is happy and thrilled with what it was being introduced to: opposite sex and the joy he was bringing me. That different feeling that nothing else but him , would give you. It was new and exciting. It was not love.
And that's what she's feeling. These days, he brings her more sorrow than joy. But she still holds on. why? I sometimes ask... i guess it's the history. History does not happy over night. It takes time and when its created, It remains in your memory cells and keeps reminding and repeating itself.
For whatever reason, me and her are seeing things in different views. To me she needs to grow up and clear her vision. To her I just dont understand, cause i'm not in her shoes and I am not feelign what she is feeling. But I have felt what she's felt and I do understand her. I aslo have seen how these things end and what remains out of them . Thats why i dont want her to continue with this.
Both me and he have valid reasons. I cant say which one of us is right or wrong.. no body knows about that. but the result of this conflict of interests, have become a gap between me and her and its not fun.
I talk to her sometimes, I feel like i'm talking to a stranger. I dont know her anymore; becaue i've grown and have changed and I dont understand what she's tlaking about. I could relate . But i cant understand anymore.
That's why I feel lonely. I dont really have any other girl friends. I'd like to have many girl ffriends now. I used to hate girls and the jelously and the soap oprah. But now I beleive that there are girls who might think like me or close to me. Girls who I could have a good and mature relationship with and feel comfortable around.
I'd like to meet some. We'll see what future brings :)