Isnt it funny?...
How you could love and hate someone at the same time?..

These times i'm putting a closure on my relationship with my ex..

Some nights I think about the memories we had.. how we laughed.. how we had so much fun in every way with each other.. and I end up missing him and his company..

some nights I think about him and how we were.. and at the end I end up hating his guts...

If I had a choice, to write a letter to him and express my pure, true feelings. .I could devote one part to my anger and the other part to my love and care..

I think it would go like this:

the love part:

I miss those nights, we used to drive around,, and how you used to make fun of everyone you saw, and hard I would laugh, cause you had that strange, smart sense of humor. The funny thing was that, I was the only one who found your humor so funny and I would laugh at it so hard everytime, even you would get suprised why?..


I loved those nights, when I would come over from school, and you would make tea for me.. hot and delicious, in those cold winter days,, and how you wanted me to add honey to it, and I wouldnt and you would get so frustrated. You once made me a polish split pea soup, I was sick. ...it was mmm mm good.. I asked you for it again, but you never had the ingredients.. I'd do anything to have anotherone
..


I loved how we lied beside eachother for hours, trying to watch a movie, and this chemistry was so crazy, we never ever ended up finishing the movie, without not doing "something" to eachother;

And what I loved even more than that, was how messy my hair would get at the end, and how you used to go and get a comb and try to comb in for me.. you tried so hard to be gentle..you looked so adorable and naive with that comb in your hand, I wanted to jumb and give you a big kiss and grab your cheeks :)

I loved, how your mom used to call your nose "the sky jump" cause it was so cute :) I always used to play around with ur face and you used to get annoyed sometimes and push my hand away.. and still I would laugh harder and play more with you.

I loved your smile.. how calm it was. Even when you were so stressed out and you were so close to exploding, your smile could fool any one into thinking you have no problems or difficulties in your life.

I loved you used to put your head on my chest and fall asleep.. I loved how you would try so hard for me to sleep comfortably till morning.. I used to kick you out of the bed.. hehe.. I used to get all the blankets and you would freeze till the morning.. but all you would say in the morning was " did you have a good sleep" and when i said "yes", you would say " ok , can we get it on now? I've been fantasizing your butt again " :)

I loved how hard u tried to be friendly with my friends even if you didnt approve of them or didnt have much in common with them.

I loved how everytime I came over ur place, you had that scent I loved (forgot the name) burning and ur place would smell so good..

I loved that one day, I wasnt feeling good cause i just got my pms, and you came to my work, you brought tea and a little apple pie .. hehe.. it amuzed me, how you didnt mind pms and it didnt disguss you or make you wanna puke, like it would all the other guys.. how you thought it was just a biological thing and didnt over analyze that much..

How much respect you had for ur mom and your family, how polite you were to them ( at least in front of me :) )


How intellignet you were. How you did not bore me all this time cause you always had something new and unique to say


and above all, 2 things :


I loved our exterme chemistry. I could never find anything wrong with your body and how you moved and how you pleased me. Everything we did was so joyfull, i'll cherish every moment of it... how perfect me and you were when we were making love.. at least to me..

(some thing really wise, Alex(our mutual friend) said the other night tho, was that: females get a physical attachment to the guys, they are intimate with; and then think, yes he's the one and I would never have as much fun with anyone else but him; and its wrong, cause even that physical attachment can get you blinded... )

and your intelligence and uniqueness. I could go on about this. How I envied and admired it. It was unblievable. The only thing that made me respect you that much. I've never respected anyone else this way. You were so different. You're ideas were so unique and new. And you were so certain...It made you look even sexier to me. I was like a little child .. You had just opened my eyes and you had just showed me so many wonders in the world..that's why I kep coming back for more.. asking for more.. and just when you realized it.. you stop.. but I didnt.. I followed the way you showed me. .and i'm in it now.. thank you, for opening my eyes...

I could think of other things I loved about you.. but for now.. I'll stop..

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Today at work , I was trying to think of the things I didnt like about you and us. I could think of lots of thing.. but at the end I realized this:


When you think negative, You say negative. When you say negative, you become negative. When you become negative, you act negative. When you act negative, you reflect your negativeness on others. When others become negative with you, there will form a negative energy. The negative energy brings everyone down, including you.

I've decided not to get into the stuff, I didnt like about you. I sometimes hurt and you hurt me too; and every minute I was hurt/upset, was a minute wasted from my life, and I wont let you or myself to waste my precious time and energy on where/why or how me and you went wrong. What's done is done and all I can do, is to learn from it.

All I am going to say will be regarding last week.

A week ago you called me on Saturday night. You were drunk and you wanted me to come over. I didnt come over. What you did was disrespectful.(but I didnt make a big deal our of it cause , cause even if I was drunk, I would have probably done the same thing you did..but you've been doing this for a while and everytime I say no and I dont come over, but you dont stop); but you didnt stop there. The next day I didnt hear anything about you. I didnt hear anything from you for a week. I started to get worried, cause we used to talk almost everyday and all the sudden you stoped. I called you twice and I left a msg you never called back. So I got really worried and did what I dont usually dont do. I blocked my number and called you . You picked up and said "(with laughter) hello?" .. and that's all I needed...


It's unbelievable how small you look to me, right now. It's unbelievable how much respect I've lost for you. What you did, is what an 18 year old , scared, insecured teenage boy does, to run away! you could have been straight up and said " i dont want to talk for a while" . I am not desparate to talk/be with you. But no , you decided to ignore. and so you did. I cant believe how low and pothetic you acted. But then again on the other hand, I'm not that surprised. You did the same thing 2 years ago when we were seeing eachother. and you did it last year as well.

I dont know how I managed to stay friend with you for 4 years. And even worse that that, how could I take you back 3 times, knowing that, you are this ignorant and immature at this thing. I dont know, maybe it was other parts of your personality that kept me attracted to you.

But I was unfair to you as well. Maybe I helped you to be this ignorant. Everytime we had an arguement, when I tried to reason with you, you would raise your voice and start yelling; my only way to calm you down, was to stay quiet, listen and tell you " i'm sorry" . It was weak and unhealthy of me to do that. I was intimidated by you. This led you into thinking that you were always right and I was always wrong. This is probably why you are the selfish person you are right now. I'm sorry, I betrayed both you and myself, by not being able to stand up and "give you a good verbal kick in the ass" sometimes.I'll never do this to anyone else.


But you know what? You treat people, how you want to be treated. I wish I could give you a taste of your own medicine and be ignorant. But I wasnt raised that way, and even now , I dont want to turn ignorant on anyone. It's true that, you get what you deserve. And clearly you didnt deserve me (you as well, said and agreed on this). You deserve someone who is into playing these games. You deserve somebody who treats you like you dont exist.

But know this: If to you life is a game, and you and others around you are players, at the end : EVERYONE will lose.

I hope you grow.