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Red Dawn (1984)

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The Doctor needs help

Are you prepared for World War 3? You know where you're gonna be, don't you? In the woods. Apparently everyone thinks that when the fighting starts this time, middle-America is heading for the state park pavillion...
(From Joe Bob's Ultimate B Movie Guide)
Call it "Nukes in Toyland," outstanding eighties paranoia. There we are, minding our own business, when Communist SWAT teams parachute onto the elementary school playground and start blowing away safety-patrol officers. After eight or ten second-graders get sprayed with automatic weapons fire, the adolescent survivors go down to the Stop-n-Go and load up some Cokes and Twinkies and head off into the mountains to hide. It turns out that the Commie SWAT team leader is a Meskin who's been down in Salvador City shotgunning the peasants and kissing Fidel's hiney. He lands his copter in a small Colorado town and tells his men to get all the gun-registration records. See what happens when you don't listen to Charlton Heston? The high school kids make each other drink deer blood out of Dixie cups until they get tired of Beenie Weenies and go back to town for some Kennel Ration. But the Communists have taken over by then and sent everybody over to the drive-in(!) for "re-education." All day long they keep the parents penned up while they spout propaganda slogans like "America is a whorehouse" on the drive-in speakers, so the high school kids go back up into the mountains to make a plan, only on the way they stop at Ben Johnson's house and pick up two bimbos he's been hiding under his kitchen floor. Ben tells these guys he doesn't want his granddaughters getting raped by the Communists, so the guys take em along to kill some Russkies. Then the bimbos refuse to wash dishes like they're told, so they tell em at least they can make themselves useful and hide bombs in their bras or something, so they do start helping to annihilate the enemy. Next, a Russian tank blows away 20 red-blooded Americans WHILE they're singing "America." I do believe it's time for Kung Fu City. Kids start popping out of wheatfields to blow away pinkos, planting bombs in Commie trucks, and fighting heat-seeking Soviet missile launchers with single-shot deer rifles. They get some help when Powers Boothe gets shot down in his F-15 and tells em how Omaha, Washington and Kansas City got nuked, but fortunately nothing important was damaged. Then he gets em all together and they go attack the drive-in and play some touch football, and then they fight some Russian tanks, and then some Blue Thunder copters come and try to destroy the kids, resulting in:
104 dead bodies, which was a drive-in record breaker in 1984
Two gallons of blood
A little kung fu
Two motor vehicle chases.
One drive-in demolition derby.
Four crash-and-burns.
Three tons of twisted metal.
With the great Ron O'Neal, better known as Superfly, as the Commie
This one looks like it was filmed south of the border in Meskin leader. Check it out before this happens in your town.
Stars Patrick Swayze, with Jennifer Grey (the same two who later did some Dirty Dancing). Additional cast included Lea Thompson of Back To The Future, Ben Johnson of Mystery Science Theater 3000's "Being From Another Planet," MonsterVision favorite Harry Dean Stanton, and Charlie Sheen of The Wraith.
Directed by John Milius of Conan The Barbarian fame. I give it 3 and a half stars

2000 Joe Bob All Rights Reserved. Not an AOL Time-Warner Company in his lifetime.
"Red Dawn" was last seen on MonsterVision 8-22-98 followed by "WarGames" with in-studio guest Col. David Hackworth WarGames host segments

Steel Dawn (1987)

In addition to Red Dawn, Patrick Swayze also starred in the unrelated Steel Dawn later on.

In this one, Swayze is a road warrior in the desert, protecting a post-apocalyptic pretty farmer (Lisa Niemi, Swayze's wife in real life), from evil Anthony Zerbe (doesn't he ever play good guys?), and his henchmen / soldiers, who want her dirt farm for no apparent reason. At least we assume the setting is post-WW3, the script never bothers to say one way or another. Swayze wields a sword and wears leather. Critics called him a Mad Max wannabe, and audiences pretty much stayed home.
Additional cast:
Christopher Neame, John Fujicka, Brion James, Brett Hool
Director: Lance Hool. Filmed in Africa. 100 minutes, rated R
Steel Dawn was last seen on MonsterVision 9-20-97. No host segments available, anyone got this one on tape?

If you like Red Dawn or Steel Dawn, check out MonsterVision host segments for Damnation Alley (complete with mutant cockroaches attack and gratuitious Jan Michael Vincent)
Not to mention Joe Bob's favorite post-apocalyptic Italian movie set in Texas and dubbed into english, 2020 Texas Gladiators host segments
So far there hasn't been a sequel to Steel Dawn (or to Dirty Dancing either, unless you count Havana made-for-cable movies with a completely different cast), though there was a sort-of remake:

Steel Frontier (1994)

After the apacalypse, a group of people bravely start over with a little town they call "New Hope." Then bandit soldiers show up to ruin things until a loner shows up to save the day.
Brion James (who was also in Steel Dawn), Joe Lara, Bo Svenson, Stacie Foster
Written & directed by Jacobsen Hart & Paul G. Volk
94 minutes, rated R
This one looks like it was filmed south of the border in Mesko

Joe Bob's Mailbag

Dear Crypto-Comrade Joe-Bobski:
Ukraine Acres is no place to flee
Farm-living is the half-life for me
Fallout spreading out so far and wide
Keep the Manhatten Project--just gimme that country fried.
Doodles Gorbachev
Holey Russia

Dear Joe-Bobshevik:
No, Murmansk is where I'd rather stay
I get allergic from decay
I just abhor a Day-Glo view
Dahling I love you but give me a passport for two.
Raisa Gaborchev
Muthuh Russia
(Translated by Justin Reed, Phoenix)

Dear Justinski:
Don't forget Uncle Joe.
He's movin kinda slow.
At Chernobyl.

Moscow, Russia Time and  Temp
Moscow Time & Temp

Click here for the Red Dawn opening scene music (audio is over 300k), heard as the Commies parachute onto amber waves of grain, and before they took the gun out of a redneck's cold, dead hand. John Milius, master of subtlety
Green Acres is the place for me

Red Dawn movie trailer
(click twice to play clip)

Scene from unknown Russian movie, tank vs. armored train

Attention Comrade. Tired of Disneyland? Come to Russia for real entertainment:
The Museum of Armored Vehicles and Equipment

Fun fact:
In Miami Shores Village, Florida, all goods for sale from Communist nations must be so labled, since such goods are often labled in a "false, misleading or inadequate manner, to hide their Communist origins."

Back to
President Clinton speach on terrorist camps in Afghanistan 8-20-98

Click here to hear Back in the USSR (midi version)

* Socialism: If you have 2 cows, you have to give one to your neighbor
* Communism: If you have 2 cows, you give them to the government, and then the government gives you some milk
* Fascism: If you have 2 cows, you keep the cows and give the milk to the government; then the government sells you some milk
* New Deal: If you have 2 cows, you shoot one and milk the other; then you pour the milk down the drain
* Nazism: If you have 2 cows, the government shoots you and takes the cows
* Capitalism: If you have 2 cows, you sell one and buy a bull
Anonymous, published in numerous newspapers in 1936

Fun fact:
State Museum Of Maine (in Augusta) research associate Ronald Kley wanted a satellite photo of Maine for an exhibit but was turned down by NASA, the Weather Bureau and the US Air Force, all of whom told him that US satellites orbit too far south to get a good photo of anything north of Chesapeake Bay. Then he contacted the USSR embassy in Washington. The Soviet Academy of Sciences supplied him with excellent satellite photos of the entire east coast from Long Island to Newfoundland, Canada.

"Tis a fault to Heaven, a fault against the dead, a fault to nature" Hamlet, Act 1, Scene 1
Quoted in Col. David Hackworth's "The Price Of Honor"
On to Joe Bob's host segments for Red Scorpion