Monstervision Host Segments for
Point of No Return
(1993)
"POINT OF NO RETURN"
Intro
Well, clamp on a cheap bolo tie made by filthy rich
Aborigines with big thumbs. The Joe Bob Briggs Summer Vacation Guide
continues: this week--dude ranches. But first I should tell you that
Bridget Fonda is an underdressed psychopathic hitwoman working for the
CIA, when all she really wants to do is share a quaint beach house with
her Venice Beach boyfriend, in "Point of No Return," which is the American
remake of that French hit "La Femme Nikita," and then our second feature,
back by popular demand--"The Hand," starring Michael Caine as the man who
loses his hand, and he's NOT TOO HAPPY about that, in a horrific flick
directed by Oliver Stone himself, back when he was working in the B movie
world.
Okay, the first dude ranch on our list of vacation spots is
The Lewd, Crude, Nasty Dude Ranch, located in the wilds of Wickenburg,
Arizona. It's that "special" retreat for those special little friends of
yours in flamingo shirts looking for a place to "swish away the summer"
according to their rights and privileges as Americans to do anything they
want to do with their bodies, if you know what I mean and I hope you do.
The lewd, crude, nasty dude himself is a guy named Leotis who comes out of
his bunkhouse once a day to administer bullwhip punishment and perform the
"bucking bronco fandango"--no kiddies allowed.
Our second dude
ranch is Velvet Vista Verde Valley. Five miles east of Bakersfield,
California, on State Route 178, this one is perfect for that "budget"
vacation. Fifty dollars for six people for two weeks (room and board not
included). Complimentary irrigation materials upon request. How can they
do it? Easy. They have no horses. All recreation is goat riding.
Goat-riding lessons are available at a modest charge, but don't try Goat
Peak on the first day. Head for Cabrito Training Hill.
Numero
three-o is the Blue Lagoon Guest Ranch. At this secluded mom-and-pop
hideaway near Bandera, Texas, each room is papered with glossies of Pamela
Anderson Lee and, for the kinky, Tommy Lee. For a surcharge of $200 per
week, Pamela will personally come to your room and recite her favorite
lines from "Baywatch." For a surcharge of $300 per week, Tommy will not
come to your room.
Number four is the Roy-and-Dale Love Ranch. Try
this one for your golden wedding anniversary, especially if you're trying
to put the old vigor back into the marriage. At the Love Ranch, 28 miles
west of Pie Town, New Mexico, on U.S. 60, the sky is orange all day, just
like in Roy's movies. This is because the ranch is part of the White Sands
Missile Range nuke-testing facility, home of the rarely seen iridescent
antelope and the strobe gopher.
Dude ranch number five: Rancho
Enchilada. There are actually two Rancho Enchiladas operated by the
Mexican government. Make sure you get a booking at the Monterrey branch,
not the one in Ciudad Mordida, which is located in the jungles of Yucatan.
Many people make this mistake every year and we're expecting to hear from
all of them any time now. What can you say about the Rancho Enchilada that
hasn't been said already? It's the granddaddy of them all, the Hasta La
Vasta, home of the all-you-can-eat Bean Plate. Remember to stop in Juarez
three days on the way back. You'll avoid the "bends" later.
And
speaking of foreign imports, you guys remember that French film "La Femme
Nikita" that came out about ten years ago? Well, they remade it a couple
years later in American, cause most people don't want to have to sit there
and READ their movie, you know what I'm talking about? So even though that
movie was pretty dang good, we're gonna watch the remedial version, where
Bridget Fonda straps on those high heels and blows up hotels and has
shoot-outs in fancy restaurants between romps on the beach with her surfer
boyfriend. Let's do those drive-in totals and kick it off. We have:
21 dead bodies.
No breasts.
Three shoot-outs.
Pencil
through the hand.
Chair to the back.
Bullet to the leg.
Needle
to the neck.
Gum spitting.
Exploding hotel.
One out-of-control
motor-vehicle, with run-over.
Gratuitous rollerblading.
Gratuitous
Nina Simone.
Kung fu.
Four stars. Check it out, and I'll be
here throughout.
[fading] Too bad we don't have the original--I
could show off my French. "Voulez-vous couchez avec moi ce soir?" We all
know what that means. We have the same saying in the South. It means
"Butter my butt and call me a biscuit."
"POINT OF NO RETURN" Commercial Break #1
Whoa! Wasn't really
enough ACTION in that opening segment, was there? You can't say John
Badham doesn't deliver on the guns and fisticuffs, can you? Okay, so far
it's EXACTLY like the original, except I THINK in the French version she
shoots the cop's face off in the drug store, which is why they give her
the chair. Anne Parillaud [PahriYOd] was in that one--she later became
known to Americans as the sexy vampire in the John Landis flick "Innocent
Blood." Maybe Bridget Fonda shot the cop's face off, too, and it got cut
out. They don't tell me what they cut out anymore, cause then, of course,
I gotta start yappin about it. Hey, does anybody know, if this character
"Bob" is supposed to be some big patriot, givin Bridget Fonda the old
spiel about doing something for her country, why they cast Gabriel Byrne?
Didn't they notice that he's FOREIGN? Why do they have an IRISH GUY playin
the part? All right, whatever. Let's keep it going--we've gotta get
through this next part before we get to the good stuff--Bridget in a
cocktail dress with a Smith & Wesson.
[fading] He's helping HIS
country by helping OUR country, right? He trains assassins for Uncle Sam,
we make sure no one bombs the pub where his Granny hangs out. Even if
Granny IS drinking up his whole inheritance. Okay, scratch that. He trains
assassins for Uncle Sam, we DO bomb the pub where his Granny hangs out.
Maybe that's the deal.
"POINT OF NO RETURN" Commercial Break #2
Now we know what
happened to Mrs. Robinson--she's been captured by the government and
forced to teach punks how to eat chocolate mousse. Anne Bancroft, showing
Bridget Fonda how to act proper. Anne Bancroft is in virtually every movie
we show. She's always the Lady of Peculiar Wisdom. Sometimes she's a
gypsy, like in the MonsterVision feature 
Love Potion No. 9, and sometimes she's a wise old
alcoholic, as in Malice next week, but she's always the person you have
to go to to get the STRAIGHT stuff. It's an interesting career niche for
her. Anyway, I personally think that Bridget Fonda is a terrific
actress--don't shoot me, okay? She's got those aristocratic acting genes.
Henry Fonda is her granddaddy, Peter Fonda's her daddy, and then there's
Aunt Jane, who's a great favorite of ours around here, which has nothing
to do with the fact that she's married to the bossman. But we all know
about Bridget's heritage. And usually she doesn't have to stretch too far,
cause she plays a lotta straight-laced city gals, like in "Single White
Female." In fact, she was in that movie last year with Billy Bob Thornton,
"A Simple Plan," and she didn't even TRY to do a rural accent. No
explanation of why she was the only one who sounded like she grew up in
Bel Air. Oh, and speaking of people who are well-connected, that's Miguel
Ferrer threatening to put a bullet in her brain if she doesn't shape up.
Miguel is the son of Jose Ferrer and Rosemary Clooney, the cousin of
George Clooney, and the brother-in-law of Debby Boone. Weird but true.
Okay, let's get back to the flick.
[fading] This is the second time
the name Debbie Boone has come up on MonsterVision. I wonder what she's up to
these days. She's probly off singin in a church choir somewhere. Or she's
in rehab, trying to kick a crack addiction. You Light Up My Life. Fits
both scenarios, doesn't it? It's a JOKE. We'll get letters "Joe Bob, I was
so sorry to hear about Debbie Boone's crack habit." They listen to the
show through a little HAZE, if you know what I mean and I think you
do.
"POINT OF NO RETURN" Commercial Break #3
Whoa! ANOTHER great
action sequence from John Badham. What can you add to that? And speaking
of big guns, this might be a good time to read a little fan mail in what
we call "Joe Bob's Advice to the Hopeless," [enters] and here to help us
out is our own femme fatale, Rusty, the TNT Mail Girl. You got any summer
vacation plans, Rusty?
MAIL GIRL: I haven't decided yet. I'm either
going scuba diving in the Cayman Islands, or on a photo Safari in
Africa.
How can you afford those kinds of trips? Never mind, I
don't wanna know.
MAIL GIRL: Whatever you're implying, you can just . . .
unimply. What do you have planned?
I haven't decided either. I'm
torn between the Omaha Steaks Bowl-a-thon up in Nebraska, or the Pork Butt
Cook-Off in Branson, Missouri. They asked me to be a judge in that one, so
it's all expenses paid.
MAIL GIRL: They asked YOU to judge a
cook-off?
Girl, I bet I know more about pork butt than you
do.
MAIL GIRL: Yeah, I bet you do, too.
What are you
implying?
MAIL GIRL: Nothing. Here's a letter from Theresa Kennedy
in Scranton, Pennsylvania.
"Dear Joe Bob,
"There's a cute
little bar and restaurant for sale up here where I live in Scranton. It's
called the Penguin Lounge with Flickering cue-ball lights. We could turn
it into a go-go club, that way you'll own property up here. They used to
have Eva Gabor wigs too. I can't do the paperwork on it, but I could clean
it, and serve, and fill-in if a dancer don't show up. I'm the girl who
wrote you that I sleep on a football for a pillow, and when I work late,
by missing your show, I get a nicotine fit like a cigarette. If you write
back I'm willing to meet you in NYC Port Authority Bus Terminal. Last time
I said the Poconos.
"Theresa Kennedy, Scranton,
PA."
Somebody tipped you off, didn't they, Theresa? Otherwise how
could you possibly know that I've had a lifelong dream of owning a topless
bar in Scranton! And excuse me, but--did you just ask me to meet you in a
bus station? Haven't had an offer like that in years.
MAIL GIRL:
What did she mean about the Eva Gabor wigs?
Honey, you've obviously
never been to a topless bar in Scranton. Thanks for writin in, Theresa.
[to Rusty] So why don't you cancel your fancy trip and come with me to the
Cook-Off. They said I could bring a guest.
MAIL GIRL: To Branson,
Missouri.
The Entertainment Capital of the World.
MAIL GIRL:
Says who?
You've obviously never been to Branson.
MAIL GIRL:
No, I've never been to Scranton and I've never been to Branson.
I
guarantee you a better time in the Ozarks than in the Kahuna
Islands.
MAIL GIRL: Cayman Islands.
All expenses paid. And
you don't have to meet me at the Port Authority bus station.
MAIL
GIRL: I'll think about it.
I'll sneak you some pork
butt.
MAIL GIRL: Okay, I'm done thinking.
What's wrong with
pork butt? How bout we meet at the Port Authority Bus Terminal, go to
Scranton, pick up this lady who sounds like Miss Party Girl 1999, take one
of those FREE buses from Scranton to Atlantic City, gamble all night till
we win enough money to fly to Branson. Only Branson has no airport, so
we'll have to fly to Springfield and take the Fun Bus to Branson... Where'd
she go?
"POINT OF NO RETURN" Commercial Break #4
Well, this may be a
first, even for TNT. We've had commercial breaks in the middle of kung fu
fights, in the middle of shootouts, and in the middle of car chases, but
this is the first time, I think, we've ever stopped for a commercial smack
dab in the middle of a LOVE MONTAGE. You know what a love montage is,
right? Where they play sappy music and you watch two people frolicking on
the beach and mussing up each other's hair and riding on roller coasters
and stuff. We're in the MIDDLE of the LOVE MONTAGE between Bridget Fonda
and Dermot Mulroney. Anyhow, was that ravioli scene supposed to be sexy?
Where she feeds it to him from her mouth? Cause I don't know about you
guys, but I don't think passing chewed-up food back and forth is really a
turn-on. And by the way, that tattoo scene in the montage we're watching
reminds me that Bridget Fonda had a tattoo on her neck at the beginning of
the movie. I guess the U.S. Assassination Department, beside teaching drug
addicts how to eat quail, also does tattoo removal. If only they could use
their powers for GOOD. Okay, let's continue frolicking on the beach.
Go.
[fading] I hate frolicking-on-the-beach montages. Why do they
think thrillers need frolicking-on-the-beach montages? It's because of the
frolicking-on-the-beach montage in "The Illiad," right? Ever since Homer
did it, everyone ELSE has to do it.
"POINT OF NO RETURN" Commercial Break #5
Can we have just
ONE MORE reference to Nina Simone? I don't think we've mentioned her
enough, have we? Okay, great scene where the Marriott blows up. Makes you
wonder about the Marriott people, doesn't it? "Excuse me, we'd like to
shoot a scene for our movie in your hotel. And, uh, well, it's a scene
about how a person disguised as a room service waitress puts a bomb in
this guy's food, and everybody on two whole floors of the hotel die in a
terrible explosion."
"Okay, SURE, will you see our corporate logo on the
screen? GREAT! Do we have to pay for that?" Anyway, this movie, as I said,
was directed by veteran action director John Badham. He's working from the
original by Luc Besson, the French writer/director, or AUTEUR, as they say
over in Frogland. Luc Besson does American flicks now--he did "The
Professional," and he did The Fifth Element with his wife, Milla
Jovovich, in a bathing suit made out of electrical tape. John Badham is
more of a director-for-hire. He's done virtually every kind of movie, from
Saturday Night Fever to "Blue Thunder" to WarGames. "Stakeout." He
even directed that movie Whose Life Is It Anyway?, the one where Richard
Dreyfuss has a terminal illness and he tries to kill himself for two hours
and then he finally succeeds. They couldn't figure out why the public
didn't line up around the block for that one. All right, let's go back to
the movie.
[fading] Another one of John Badham's big hits: the
cutesy "E.T." rip-off, Short Circuit with the girl from WarGames. One of his flops: the action flick
"The Hard Way." You guys don't remember "The Hard Way," do you? Michael J.
Fox playing cops and robbers. Whose idea was THAT? Probably the director
of marketing for Marriott International came up with that one.
"POINT OF NO RETURN" Commercial Break #6
WONDERFUL place to
break for a commercial, isn't it? Right when she's taking aim at her next
victim with a rifle, AND her boyfriend is proposing to her through the
bathroom door. Will she be able to squeeze the trigger through her
bittersweet tears? WE DON'T KNOW, do we, because the geniuses in the TNT
editing department decided to put a commercial break there. That's why
we're going RIGHT back to the movie, because, if we don't, people in
Pratt, Kansas, will assassinate ME. Go.
[fading] The technical term
for that is "cliffhanger." Will she take off that Calvin Klein underwear?
Will she shoot Dermot Mulroney? I have a question about Dermot Mulroney .
. . No I don't. [zipper lip]
"POINT OF NO RETURN" Commercial Break #7
Wait, I'm with
Dermot Mulroney--who IS that girl? The black girl who just dropped in out
of nowhere. We've never seen her before, right? Suddenly Maggie, or Nina,
or Claudia, or whatever her name is, has buddies on the force? Well, I
won't dwell on it, cause it's time to bring in "the cleaner" and wrap this
movie up. "Point Of No Return," previously known as "La Femme Nikita," in
fact STILL known as "La Femme Nikita" in the series of the same name,
starring Peta Wilson in the Bridget Fonda role. But one thing they do NOT
do in the series is scenes as gruesome as what you're about to see now,
when "the cleaner" shows up. To give you some idea of just HOW gruesome
"the cleaner" can be, I only need to say two words: Harvey. Keitel. Okay,
roll film.
[fading] And Dermot Mulroney is none the wiser, is he? I
just like saying that guy's name. "Dermot Mulroney." He hit it big in that
Julia Roberts movie "My Best Friend's Wedding." Also "Living in Oblivion."
Must be a good actor, because he has the name "Dermot." Not a good grade
school name. Dimwit Dermot. Dermot the Hermit. Dermatology. Can you see a
guy named Dermot in a battle to the death with . . . Harvey Keitel? I
think not.
"POINT OF NO RETURN" Outro
The great Harvey Keitel getting
dragged to bits under a rented sports car. Playing a similar role to the
one he played in "Pulp Fiction" a year later. And by the way, are you guys
with me that Gabriel Byrne isn't a very good liar? If I'm telling a big
whopper to my boss, I'm not going, "The girl is, uh, she's, um, let's see,
uh, the girl is dead. Yeah, that's it. She's dead." And one more
thing--did Fahd Bakhtiar die or not? You know the guy who was selling
nuclear info to the Middle East? It looks like he jumps right before she
shoots, but then we never see him again. What's with that? TNT editing or
what?
"Point Of No Return" is available on video and on DVD
Tonight's host segments continue with The Hand starring Michael Caine in the Peter Lorre role
Or check out
Joe Bob's reviews of Pulp Fiction and La Femme Nikita
Host segment transcript of 6-5-99 broadcast
©1999 Turner Network Television. A Time Warner Company. All Rights Reserved
