Monstervision Host Segments for

Malice (1993)

"MALICE" Intro

I'm Joe Bob Briggs, and it's Nasty Guy Night tonight, beginning with the big hoohaw medical malpractice flick, "Malice," where Alec Baldwin takes out Nicole Kidman's ovary and she is NOT HAPPY about it. And then we'll follow that up with "Sleepstalker," sort of a Freddy Kreuger-meets-the-Sandman kinda thing.

Speaking of nasty people, have you noticed all the Boyfriend From Hell stories lately? Boy meets girl. Boy goes home with girl. Boy and girl have sex. Boy thinks it's great. Girl goes, "Nah, I don't think so." Boy calls the next day. Girl says "Nah, I don't think so." Boy starts rebuilding a semi-automatic rifle.

Where do these guys come from? Didn't they go to junior high school, where you get rejected 94 times for every girl that says "Yes"?
Haven't they ever seen a Cary Grant movie? If so, they would know that you don't get many dates by screaming "I OWN YOU!" at a woman. They would know that, as soon as she says she doesn't like something, YOU DON'T DO IT. Ever. If she doesn't like you calling her at work, YOU DON'T CALL HER AT WORK. And then MAYBE, later, she starts to like you, because you UNDERSTOOD that she didn't like it.

I mean, we've always had a FEW loony Boyfriends From Hell, like Eric Roberts in "Star 80." But they were always certifiable psychos. Now we've got guys that are otherwise normal, working down at the gas station, entering bass-fishing tournaments, singing in the Baptist Church choir, and then one day we get a phone call and find out that Ralph is barricaded inside the high school gym and he has Cindy tied up with a bomb under her chair, demanding that she spend the rest of her life with him.

In Texas, there used to be a guaranteed solution to the Creep Ex-Boyfriend: a NEW boyfriend. That way, if the old guy refuses to go away, leaves annoying messages on your answering machine, whatever, then the girl doesn't have to deal with it. The GUY calls him back, and they settle it with Guy Talk. Guy Talk is always much more efficient than Girl-Guy Talk, because Guy Talk can only end in two ways: the guy backs off, or the two guys fight. If the two guys fight, they usually bond during the fight. And, in fact, sometimes they realize that the girl is ENJOYING the fact that they're fighting over her, and so they BOTH dump her.

Anyhow, my question is, have we always had this many weirdbeard stalkers driving up and down the streets of America, ready to put a bullet through Tiffany's head to prove how much he loves her? Or is this a nineties thing?

And speaking of sociology class, we've got the 1993 malpractice thriller "Malice." Alec Baldwin makes the old missing-ovary mistake in the operating room, and it's just the beginning of the plot. This one is pretty dang decent. Bill Pullman is the associate dean of students at a little college. A killer is roaming the campus. He's married to Nicole Kidman. Alec is a jock from Bill's old high school who's become a hot-shot superstar surgeon. And even after you start to figure out what's going on, you still haven't figured it out. I'm not gonna tell you a whole lot about it, cause it's one of those twisty turny things that keeps throwin you off. Anyhow, here's the drive-in totals:

Two dead bodies.
Two breasts (surgically removed by TNT).
Multiple aardvarking.
Point-blank in the stomach.
Oxygen-tank Fu.
Gratuitous Anne Bancroft, which has been kind of a running theme on the show.
And, of course, there's the great Alec Baldwin "I AM God" speech.
Three and a half stars. Check it out, and I'll be here with you through the evening.

[fading] I think I might know part of this Boyfriend From Hell problem: these guys don't have enough MALE friends. Because the only way you could go THAT crazy over a woman is that you've bought into some kind of ideal Fantasy Woman thing where you think that, if only you can buy a trailer house in Houston with this woman, she'll satisfy every need you ever have. You don't realize that, six months later, you'll be sitting in that trailer house staring at your payment book from the bank, watching her paint her toenails, thinking, "At least she could WASH THE BOTTOMS OF HER FEET before she does that." Is anybody following me here?

"MALICE" Commercial Break #1

Do you know that all psychological thrillers are basically three characters? That's it. Everybody else is wallpaper in these movies. And one of the three is always a cheating-murdering-liar. Of course, on Lifetime Network that has to be a handsome guy. You know he's the jerk because . . . well, because he's handsome. Anybody that handsome, he probly wears a raincoat to the park on his days off. If you're watching Cinemax, the cheating murdering liar has to be a beautiful blonde who sleeps with every male in the cast and some of the females before being revealed as the heartless murdering golddigger she really is. And, of course, if you're watching my old network The Movie Channel, the cheating murdering liar has to be . . . Shannon Tweed. Anyway, my point is that it's much better to watch these movies on TNT, because the cheating murdering liar can be ANYBODY IN THE CAST. And we know that it's probably NOT who we expect because the guys who wrote "Malice" are Aaron Sorkin, who wrote "A Few Good Men"--You can't handle the truth! sorry--and his partner Scott Frank, who wrote "Dead Again." Thriller specialists. [off-stage voice] What? OOoooooooo. Good point. We notice here in the credits that Aaron Sorkin and Scott Frank are linked, not by an ampersand, but by the word "and." Do you know what that means in screenwriting terms? If you have names that are joined by an ampersand, it means they're a writing team. They wrote it together. They drank a lot of java in their crummy West Hollywood writing apartment. But if it says the word "and," like "Aaron Sorkin AND Scott Frank," then it means Aaron Sorkin wrote a complete script, which somebody did NOT think was perfect, and so they hired Scott Frank to do it over. So those guys did NOT share any West Hollywood java. In fact, they might conceivably hate each other's guts.
"He ruined a perfectly good script."
"That line was mine, but he tried to take credit for it."
That sort of thing. Anyhoo, let's keep it going. Back to "Malice."

[fading] But my point was that, on TNT, you don't know whether the lying cheating murdering jerk is male or female, blonde or dark-haired, a big star or a bit player, and you know why? Because we'll show ANYTHING on TNT. Remember the Neal Sedaka special? I thought it was a psychological thriller. "That guy's gonna kill him. No THAT guy's gonna kill him."

"MALICE" Commercial Break #2

Gwyneth Paltrow--now you see her, talking about how the dog ate her homework, and now she's a corpse. We missed the whole scene of Alec Baldwin upstairs making the sign of the quadruple-breasted smiling hematoma with a very wild lady who runs nekkid across the landing and infuriates Nicole Kidman. Because, as you know, here on TNT we DESPISE gratuitous nudity. Why is Alec Baldwin whispering? Is that to make him scary or something? Okay, back to the movie.

[fading] This is where we're establishing character. Like we pretty much established Bill Pullman's character when Gwyneth Paltrow is sitting there in the chair saying "My alarm didn't go off" and trying to flirt her way out of trouble, and Bill is, like, "I'm sorry, young lady, but you broke the rules." Whereas, if it was Alec Baldwin, he would have said, "I'll let it go if you let me buy you a frozen umbrella drink." Establishing Character. Today's lesson. If you take the seminar, it costs 600 bucks. Or you can just pick it up here free from me.

"MALICE" Commercial Break #3

Okay, Nicole's gonna sue Alec's butt, and the plot twists are about to begin, but before they get too involved, let's read a little fan mail and dispense some of "Joe Bob's Advice to the Hopeless." [Rusty enters] And here to help us out is a gal who's got some healthy ovaries herself, Rusty, the TNT Mail Girl.

MAIL GIRL: That was a charming introduction.

You should take it as a compliment.

MAIL GIRL: Right.

So what've you been up to so far this weekend?

MAIL GIRL: Oh, well, I washed my car, I took my dog to the park, ran a couple errands . . . [sees Joe Bob looking at her body] Hello?

How exactly do you get into that outfit?

MAIL GIRL: Did you hear anything I just said?

I heard every word.

MAIL GIRL: What did I say?

You washed your dog, ran to the park, and squeezed some melon juice.

MAIL GIRL: Here's an e-mail from Mikey in Isla Vista, California.

"Hey Joe Bobb and Rusty,

"Rusty, you're doing an excellent job of doing the mail.

"I wanted to comment that I found last Saturday night, and many other weekends, to be especially sexist toward women. You were objectifying women in an objectifying way. To talk about women as just a pair of boobs is not really kind to the female population."

You brought me this on purpose, didn't you?

"That is the reason I watch MonsterVision. I watch not only for the David Lynch or Carrie movies but for the only openly sexist show on television. I think it's funny."

Okay, so it has a happy ending.

MAIL GIRL: Wait, here's another one.

"Dear Joe Bob,

"I am ashamed of you. You should show more respect to Rusty. In my opinion, without Rusty you would not have a show. I am serious. The only reason I watch MonsterVision on Saturday is to see Rusty bring your disrespectful butt your mail for the week. So in short, straighten up, and show some respect to your co-host.

"Joseph Leach,
San Antonio,
Texas."

[Rusty hands him a stack of letters]

Okay, I get it.

MAIL GIRL: Aren't you gonna read them?

[quickly reading excerpts] "Rusty, you should get much more exposure on this program instead of that evil insulting Curr you must work with. Sam Taylor." "I could have said something really sleazy but unlike Joe Bob I am a gentleman. Chris Hill." Wait a second, why are all these letters telling me not to treat you like a sex object . . . from MEN? What's happening to this country?

MAIL GIRL: These guys just know how to treat a woman, that's all.

Yeah, right.

MAIL GIRL: You know why?

Why?

MAIL GIRL: It's the age-old practice of trying to score by pretending to be a feminist.

And that WORKS?

MAIL GIRL: Sometimes. On extremely young girls who have been abused a lot.

So you're telling me these guys are trying to get a date with you by pretending to be sensitive?

MAIL GIRL: I'm not going on a date with the guy.

Yeah, but you WOULD go out with a guy like that.

MAIL GIRL: You mean a guy who looks at me above the neck, and doesn't just see me as a body? Of course I would.

"Oh, let's go have COFFEE and talk about equal pay for women." Yuk.

MAIL GIRL: I can't believe how cynical you are.

You just told me THESE guys are cynical.

MAIL GIRL: That doesn't mean that you're right, either.

But I really understand you as a person. From working with you so long.

MAIL GIRL: Really?

Got ya!

MAIL GIRL: [exiting] That was mean.

It worked though, didn't it? Maybe I could learn something here.

"MALICE" Commercial Break #4

"You ask me if I have a God complex. Let me tell you something: I AM God." I love that speech. It's sorta like the one he does in "Glengarry Glen Ross," that David Mamet movie where Alec Baldwin comes in for one scene and gives this killer speech that blows everybody out of the water. Lemme ask you guys something, though. Why is it that only the supporting actors have accents? Bebe Neuwirth has one, right? That New England "pahk the cah" accent. Which is ironic, cause the whole time she was on the show "Cheers," which took place in "Bahston," she DIDN'T have the accent. Anyhow, the secretary's got it, and the rapist-janitor's got it. But none of the stars have it. George C. Scott didn't have it either. They shoulda gotten Kathy Bates' dialogue coach from "Dolores Claiborne." Kathy Bates did it great. And another thing about George C. Scott. He's in the movie for, like, two minutes, right? This movie has Bebe Neuwirth as the cop, Peter Gallagher, Anne Bancroft, we mentioned Gwyneth Paltrow, and all these people are basically doing NOTHING parts. So two questions. One, if the movie is only really about three people--Alec Baldwin, Nicole Kidman and Bill Pullman--then why does the director, Harold Becker, hire somebody who probly costs a hundred thousand dollars a DAY to do a part that you could cast over at the Pasadena Playhouse? And then my second question is, why do these giant stars wanna DO those teensy-tinsy little parts? And third, it's not even the best thing for the movie, because instead of saying, "Oh, interesting, the very distinguished Harvard expert," you're going, "It's George C. Scott in a bit part! Interesting!" Totally different emotional experience, you know? Okay, enough of my ranting. Back to the movie.

[fading] "I have an M.D. from Harvard, I am board certified in cardiothoracic medicine and trauma surgery, I have been awarded citations from seven different medical boards in New England, and I am never, ever sick at sea. If you're looking for God, he was in operating room number two on November 17th, and he doesn't like to be second guessed. I AM God." I love that speech.

"MALICE" Commercial Break #5

Whoa! Didn't we just HAVE a commercial break? That was quick. Loading a little extra iron ore into the old TNT advertising smelter, are we? Okaaaaaay. "Malice" is from the era when every single movie Bill Pullman was in, he was the Guy Who Loses the Girl. "Sleepless in Seattle," "A League of Their Own," "Sommersby." "Mr. Wrong," which I think should've been retitled "Mr. Wrong Gender." But our favorite Bill Pullman movie around here is, of course, "The Serpent and the Rainbow," which we showed a couple weeks ago. Great Wes Craven flick.
That, or "Brain Dead," produced by Roger Corman's wife Julie. Roger and Julie never collaborate, so you know it's HER movie. And it was written by Charles Beaumont, the old "Twilight Zone" writer. I also liked Bill Pullman a lot in "The Zero Effect"--excellent thriller you guys should check out if you missed it. Okay, let's get back to the flick.

[fading] "The Last Seduction," that was good, too. I like when Bill Pullman plays jerks. In this movie, Alec Baldwin is a jerk, of course. He's always a jerk, right? But the interesting thing is that Nicole Kidman is kind of a jerk, too. What's a female jerk? A jerka? A jerk-ess? Jerkolina? Let's consult Websters on that. Jerkita.

"MALICE" Commercial Break #6

Okay, NOW it's getting fairly ridiculoso. How long was THAT segment? About a minute and a half? Just long enough for Anne Bancroft to play yet ANOTHER role of the Scary Woman Who Gives Advice. She's made a whole mini-career in the 90s of just doing that. And I think we've shown every one of em this month. All right, back to the movie. I promise the 3-minute segment won't happen again. Yall feel free to use that 1-800-CALL-ATT to call TNT and complain.

[fading] Nice hair, Anne. Whoa. They all love to play drunks, don't they? They spend their whole careers going, "Look, there's a speck under my eye, get rid of it," and then they say, "What? I get to be a pathetic alcoholic? Here! Beat me in the face with a bag of nickels. Make my hair look like Phyllis Diller stuck her finger in an electrical socket. Paint some GIANT bags under my eyes. Oh, this so much fun."

"MALICE" Commercial Break #7

Nicole Kidman ALMOST said the f-word there, didn't she? "Take me upstairs and fondle me." Yes sir. They did a pretty good job of NOT using it but making you THINK they were using it. Nicole is following in the footsteps of Sharon Stone as our big budget femme fatale, isn't she? She's evil and she's hot. And she's a Scientologist. Part of the big Hollywood Scientologist couple, Nicole and Tom Cruise, soon to be seen in the sexual thriller, "Eyes Wide Shut," the movie Stanley Kubrick finished five days before he died. Lucky for him, he didn't die till AFTER Nicole got nekkid on stage in London last fall, and earlier this year on Broadway. I hope he got to see that. All the reviews said the same thing: not a trace of cellulite on her. They forgot there was a play going on. Understandably. Okay, Nicole's gonna go "take care of Andy," so let's get back to the flick.

[fading] Nicole says she likes to visit prisons when she travels. She and Tom are part of that group of movie stars who try to keep in touch with the plight of the common man. Well, Nicole is. Tom's back at the hotel working out in the mobile gym that he takes everywhere. With his personal trainer. Very cost efficient, shipping 9,000 pounds of Nautilus equipment to Ireland. But that makes sense, because they probly NEVER stay in a hotel that has a gym. Only the really fancy expensive places have gym equipment. Tom and Nicole would never stay in that sorta place.

"MALICE" Commercial Break #8

So that's the end of Alec Baldwin. How'd you like the way he died? Mediocre, huh? I'm kinda sad he got ix-nayed; I was kinda rootin for him in a strange way. I mean, that's SOME con, picking out some loser in high school, going all the way through Harvard med, becoming a hot-shot surgeon--where you could probly make some serious moolah ANYWAY--and then committing malpractice and pocketing the 20 mil. I think it's even better than pretending you're Suzy Homemaker for two years, marrying the loser, and having your ovaries ripped out, which is also pretty impressive. But you don't really have to STUDY for that one. Okay, time for twisty-turny finale of "Malice." Go.

[fading] You know why most guys never wonder "Did she marry me for my money?" Because, they don't HAVE any money. That's why Bill Pullman is a sitting duck. She couldn't have married him for money cause he's dirt-poor. But why did she pick him? He's the guy who can't even be manipulated by Gwyneth Paltrow when she's trying to explain why she was late for class! Bad husband choice.

"MALICE" Outro

Kind of impulsive move there at the end, wouldn't you say? You fake out Bill Pullman for three years, shoot yourself up with cramping fluid for six months, and then just walk into the house next door and try to kill the little yard monster with a baggie. I think that's called, uh, finding a way to end the movie. And what happened to the serial killer subplot? The only reason it's in there is so Bill Pullman can find out he's shootin blanks, sperm-wise. Alec Baldwin's never a suspect, cause he's new in town. And you know it's not Bill Pullman, even when Bebe Neuwirth tells him he IS a suspect. At least they coulda put in another twist, instead of lettin it peter out half-way through the flick. I guess I like this movie better when I don't think about it.

"Malice" is available on video and on DVD from Amazon.com

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Malice (1993)

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