Monstervision Host Segments for

Play Misty for Me (1971)

"Play Misty For Me" Intro

"And the movie ends with yet another Road Warrior rip-off--Max leads his pilgrims to safety and remains in the wilds, the warrior used and discarded by the forces of progress. And we get to see that crazy Austrileyan girl “do the tell” again in a bombed out “highscraper.” So much for Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome.

Next up is "Play Misty for Me," but first I wanna remind you in case you've forgotten that I AM Joe Bob Briggs, and next week we're showing the fully-restored three-and-a-half-hour now-I-understand-it version of Stephen King's "Needful Things," so don't miss that.

Okay, it's time for the fatal attraction that came twenty years BEFORE Fatal Attraction. It's "Play Misty for Me," Clint Eastwood's directorial daybut, where he plays a radio d.j. in his real-life hometown of Carmel, California, who has a little fling with a VERY serious fan. And when he doesn't make her his girlfriend and compliment her on her new pink pajamas, she gets VERY psycho. He's not married like Michael Douglas was in what was basically the remake, but he IS trying to patch things up with Donna Mills, who is young and extremely H-O-T in this flick. And having an obsessive nutjob camping out in his house makes that kinda difficult. Okay, let's do the drive-in totals and get it started. We have:

Two dead bodies.
No breasts. (Clint is kind of a classy guy. But we forgive him.)
Arm hacking.
Leg hacking.
Back hacking.
Maid hacking.
Pillow stabbing.
Portrait slashing.
Car-key stealing.
Involuntary hair-cutting.
National-Park aardvarking.
Gratuitous 70's slang.
Gratuitous Roberta Flack.
Gratuitous Monterey Jazz Festival.
Giant scissor fu.
Three and a half stars.

Check it out, and we'll keep you company along the way.

[fading] You guys ever had a woman stalk you? It's not pretty. Everywhere you go, she's there. You go to the laundromat, and she's there. You go out for a brewski, and she's there. And the minute she leaves, you have to get in your car real fast so she can stalk you back to wherever she lives. Lemme tell you, it's a real pain in the butt."

"Play Misty for Me" Commercial Break #1

"Okaaaay, she's a real catch, huh? Every bachelor's nightmare--the one-night-stand who shows up the next day with a year's worth of frozen meat. See, we're educated now, but in those days, they didn't know that when a woman gets out an ice pick, DON'T HAVE SEX WITH HER. That's Jessica Walter as Evelyn. The movie studio wanted a star, someone like Lee Remick, who was big at the time, but Clint Eastwood liked Jessica, who was sort of an unknown. After "Play Misty for Me," she kinda got lost in TV movies. But she's making a little comeback this year--she did a pretty successful little indie film this summer, "Slums of Beverly Hills," and she's a regular on a new sitcom on the Lifetime Network called "Oh Baby." I don't know what it's about, because you can't MAKE me turn on the Lifetime Network, okay? Okay, let's get back to the flick.

[fading] If it was a show on ESPN called "Oh Baby," I'd turn it on. If it was a show on the Playboy Channel called "Oh Baby," I'd DEFINITELY turn it on. But Lifetime Network--no way, Jose."

"Play Misty for Me" Commercial Break #2

"The young Donna Mills as Tobie--YUM. She was 29 when she made this movie, and she had that blonde kinda 1960s model look, like Mia Farrow and Twiggy had. Talk about a TV actress--MAJOR career in MOWs like "Smash-Up on Interstate 5" and "Beyond the Bermuda Triangle." And OF COURSE, nine years on "Knots Landing" as Abby Fairgate Cunningham Ewing Sumner. I'd forgotten that was a "Dallas" spin-off till I noticed the "Ewing" in there.

I should also point out that the guy playing the bartender is actually a director named Don Siegel. I mean he's dead now, but he WAS a director. The director of Dirty Harry to be more specific, which came out the same year as this. And also the director of two other Clint Eastwood movies, "Coogan's Bluff" and "Escape from Alcatraz." Since this was Clint's first time behind the camera as well as in front of it, he wanted Don on the set in case he needed his advice. Cause if you can't trust the director of the 1954 classic "Riot in Cell Block 11," who can you trust? Huh? Okay, let's find out what the 1971 version of the rabbit in the stew pot is. Go.

[fading] Every good stalker understands the use of animals to get a message across. "You don't love me? Let's see how FLUFFY feels about that! Maybe Daddy's just too busy for love, and Fluffy would be better off as HAMBURGER!" You have to know your stalker techniques."

"Play Misty for Me" Commercial Break #3

"I LOVE all this hippie dialogue, don't you? "Tobie's one of the foxiest chicks on the peninsula, and why you gotta have so much action I just don't understand." "It's just a hang-up I have, man." Hey, you know that line "He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword"? That's from ANOTHER Clint Eastwood movie that came out in 1971, "The Beguiled." Should we do a little 30-second Clint Eastwood bio? Okay: time me.
Born in 1930 in San Francisco, California. First noticed by Hollywood in the TV show "Rawhide" playing Rowdy Yates. Became more famous in the Sergio Leone spaghetti westerns "Fistful of Dollars," "For a Few Dollars More" and "Il Buono, il brutto, il cattivo" or "The Good, the Bad and the Ugly." Became SUPER-famous as Harry Callahan in five Dirty Harry flicks. Won the hearts of critics directing "Unforgiven." Five kids divided up between four women. Married to only two of ‘em. The women, that is. How am I doin on time? Oh, elected mayor of Carmel in 1986, which is where this movie was shot. Directing and starring in "True Crime" in 1999. There's my 30 seconds. Go.

[fading] Did I go over? I guess I shouldn't a tried the Eyetalian. I tripped a little on that, didn't I? AND I didn't mention "Every Which Way But Loose." Shoot.

"Play Misty for Me" Commercial Break #4

"Now that Jessica Walter's been sedated for a bit, I'd say it's a good time to read a little correspondence from our viewers in the fine penal institutions of America in what we call "Joe Bob's JailBreak." And here to help us out is a favorite among our captive audience, the TNT Mail Girl. [Rusty enters] I bet you've had your share of stalkers, eh, Rusty?
MAIL GIRL: Oh, one or two.
How'd you handle em?
MAIL GIRL: Well, I wasn't really the one who dealt with it.
You call the cops?
MAIL GIRL: Not exactly.
Your big brother break the guy's thumbs?
MAIL GIRL: No
So what happened?
MAIL GIRL: I can't believe you don't remember.
Oh! That big guy from El Paso who beat the crap outta me and left me for dead in an alleyway!
MAIL GIRL: Yes!
I can't believe I forgot that. Anyhow, what do you got for us tonight?
MAIL GIRL: I have a letter from the Arizona State Prison Complex, Santa Maria Unit.

"Dear Joe Bob,
"We are your faithful convicted felon fans. We live for our Monster Vision on Saturday nights. We get locked down just in time to spend the rest of the evening with you. We would like to know what's in your cooler. It looks like Old Milwaukee."

It is Old Milwaukee, unless the TNT Standards & Practices people are watching right now; in that case, it's ginger ale.

"You're the best-looking man on TV."

Uh oh.

"Would you consider letting your hair grow, wearing leather, and getting a Harley?"

Oh, great, it's from some of these guys who've been in prison WAY too long.

"We'll be your Mail Ladies and our boobs aren't fake. We are all due out within a year and need jobs before we go in front of the parole board."

Wha...? [looking at names] Oh! It's from a women's prison! Why don't we get more letters from the ladies' prisons? I love you gals.

"Now back to the movies. Where are our monsters? We really get off on vampires. The Beastmaster movies were okay last night but there wasn't any sucking. You've got to have sucking! Please read this on TV so we can let all our brothers that are locked up know we care. We're doing without, too. Also, would you send us a picture to hang in our lonely cells? You are our man. We're into sharing, by the way.
"Thank you, Joe Bob, for giving us a reason to live.
"Lisa Babcock #111003
"Donna Sullivan #107520
"Vivian Eiseman #119526
"Arizona State Prison Complex/Santa Maria Unit, Goodyear, Arizona."

You gals are into SHARING, huh? Then I'll definitely try to add some sucking to the schedule. I hope you saw Embrace of the Vampire which we showed a few weeks back, since it had a little girl-girl action you mighta liked. I wanna see you gals on the OUTSIDE, okay? Free your minds and your butts will follow. Okay, Arizona State Prison Complex, located in Goodyear, Arizona, 20 miles west of the heart of Phoenix. You know when you're driving out of town on Interstate 10, there's that sign that says "Don't Pick Up Hitchhikers"? That's the prison. 2400 male and female inmates. There's a trailer park right across from the women's unit--residents feel SAFER being so close--figure if an escaped convict's gonna run they're gonna run farther than across the street. Inmate recreation includes sports, arts & crafts, and they put on plays, but there's NO SWIMMING POOL, so they don't want anybody thinkin it's a RESORT, all right? Thanks for writing, gals. We love a captive audience.

By the way, when you found me outside your house that night, I was just bringin you your paycheck.

MAIL GIRL: Yeah? You always peer in people's windows before you knock on their front door?
I wanted to make sure you were decent.
MAIL GIRL: How considerate."

"Play Misty for Me" Commercial Break #5

"Okay, major cameo there with the woman Clint was having the lunch meeting with. That's Irene Hervey, VERY big in crime pictures and film noir in the thirties, forties and fifties. Sometimes starred, sometimes played second fiddle to gals like Dorothy Lamour. Or I guess they called em dames then. "Play Misty for Me" was her last flick, but I THINK she's still around. You know who her son is? Jack Jones. The singer.
Oh, the woman playing Birdie, the maid? Later played Bill Cosby's mother on "The Cosby Show." Maybe I shouldn't a talked about both those actresses in the same break. Oh, well, back to the movie. Roll it.

[fading] Don't confuse Jack Jones with Tom Jones. TOM Jones is "What's New, Pussycat!" JACK Jones is "What's It All About, Alfie." Big difference."

"Play Misty for Me" Commercial Break #6

"I don't know if it was worth it having to sit through that Roberta Flack song to see Donna Mills' BACK while they were aardvarking under the waterfall. Clint Eastwood doesn't believe in exploiting women's bodies. He DOES believe in knocking em up and then moving on to the NEXT one as soon as he gets bored, but he doesn't like to show full-frontal nuditay. I'd prefer to use a condom and get as many hooters on film as possible. But that's just me.

I should point out the great character actor John Larch as the cop trying to get Clint Eastwood to tell him what the hayuck's going on with the psycho-broad. He was one of the priests in Amityville Horror--remember him? And he's the police chief in "Dirty Harry." I don't really get why Clint acts all withholding with him. I'd be spillin my guts, covering my BUTT, you know what I'm sayin? It must be that 1970s Northern California cool, that "Hey, man, she was bombed out, and I split, needed a couple a days to figure out where I'm at." Anyhow. Roll it.

[fading] We don't talk like that where I'm from. We say stuff like, [John--you wanna fill this in?]"

"Play Misty for Me" Commercial Break #7

"What was THAT? A jazz video right in the middle of the movie? Gee, you think Clint Eastwood likes music? He just couldn't WAIT to direct "Bird" in 1988--he had to let everybody boogie down--in the middle of a THRILLER.

So did you gals enjoy Clint Eastwood walkin around in his BVDs? He was kind of a pretty boy in his younger days, wasn't he? And this is the first time people were seeing him as something other than a cowboy. Even in the movie "Coogan's Bluff"--the one they based the TV show "McCloud" on--he was a cowboy sheriff in New York City. By the way, James McEachin, who plays Al the polio-weed smokin d.j., is also in the Eastwood club. He was in the great "Every Which Way But Loose." You may also recognize him as the lieutenant in all the Perry Mason movies of the 80s and 90s. Anyhow, it's time for the thrilling conclusion to "Play Misty for Me." Go.

[fading] What was that musical Clint was in? "Paint Your Wagon." With Lee Marvin. Speaking of Arkansas polio weed, I think that casting director was smokin a little that day."

"Play Misty for Me" Outro

"Interesting choice to have that LAME song come on right after Jessica Walter falls down the cliff. You know, that peppy saxophone number? Where'd they get that--from "Laugh In"? Anyhow, great ending with her floating in the ocean while "Misty" plays for her.

All right, lemme remind you that next week we have the special extended director's cut of the Stephen King movie "Needful Things," about the devil doin some NASTY things to a small town in Maine.

That's it for me, Joe Bob Briggs, reminding you that when you find yourself getting irritated with someone, try to remember that all men are brothers ... and just give em a noogie or an Indian burn.

Did you guys hear the one about the blonde who, after being unemployed for a while, gets a job with Public Works? She's to paint the lines down the center of a rural road. The supervisor tells her that she's on probation and that she has to stay at or above the set average of two miles per day to stay employed. The blonde agrees to the conditions and starts right away. The supervisor checks at the end of the first day and finds that the blonde covered four miles--double the average. The next day, though, he's disappointed to find that the blonde has only finished TWO miles. But he figures, well, she's still at the average and I don't want to discourage her, so I'll just keep quiet. The third day, the blonde only does ONE mile, though, and the boss decides to talk to her. He pulls her in and says, "You were doing so great. The first day you did four miles, the second day two miles, but yesterday you only did one mile. Why? Is there a problem? An injury, equipment failure? What's keeping you from meeting the two-mile minimum?" And the blonde says, "Well, each day I keep getting farther and farther from the bucket."

Joe Bob Briggs, reminding you that the drive-in will never die.

[fading] So there's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. She shouts, "Yoohoo! How can I get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river and then down the river, and then shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

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Host segment transcript of broadcast
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