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Embrace of the Vampire


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Joe Bob Briggs, and tonight, Embrace of the Vampire, the 1994 masterpiece in which the virginal but very hot Alyssa Milano plays a co-ed who the local vampire recognizes as the reincarnation of his old girlfriend. And you know what that means. Because what are the seven most dreaded words in the history of civilization? Of course, you know what I'm talking about. "I need to talk about the relationship."
I finally got something going FOR A CHANGE, and then last week I got a message on my answering machine. After a poker game that somehow managed to last three days, I returned the call.
"We need to talk about the relationship."
So I go, "Really? I don't need to talk about the relationship. 'We' would include me, right?"
And she says, "Okay, I need to talk about the relationship."
And I say, "Can you maybe talk about it yourself?" As you can see, I'm a very mature individual. Now we move to the NEXT seven most dreaded words in the history of civilization. "I think you take me for granted." I have NEVER known what this means.So I go, "Should I, like, send flowers or what? Is this one of those deals that can be cured with flowers, or is it gonna take a three-day massive-emotional-pain screaming-and-yelling marathon where nobody remembers anything they say and it ends up being about how you can't stand dirty socks on the floor?"
She says, "This is not about flowers."
"That's what I was afraid of." You know the only thing GOOD about conversations like this? At the end of em, you always have great sex. You guys know what I'm talking about, right?

And speaking of guys willing to DIE for great sex, the title character in "Embrace of the Vampire" has three days to get Alyssa Milano to dump her boyfriend and turn HER into a vampire so they can spend eternity snacking on bisexual college kids. This movie has one of THE most SERIOUS lesbian tongue-locks that TNT has ever shown, so let's get it started.
Here are the drive-in totals:
Three dead bodies.
Ten very out-of-focus breasts.
Two Playboy Playmates.
Two lesbian soul kisses.
One nekkid photo session.
Head bashing.
Neck chomping.
Tongue biting.
Bloody door licking.
Gratuitous blue ankh.
Vampire Fu.
Slutty co-ed Fu.
Three and a half stars. Roll it

[fading] Alyssa Milano as a VIRGIN. What's the big deal about a virgin? Remember that movie "Kids," where all these two guys do is go around New York City trying to find virgins and deflower em. I mean, okay, yeah, maybe it's interesting for a while, but it's kinda like trying to memorize all the state capitals -- the entertainment value can only go SO FAR and then you're liable to think, "Bring me a 40-year-old hooker." Right?

"EMBRACE OF THE VAMPIRE" Commercial Break #1

So we've got a vampire in a leather leisure suit with a red shirt and one of those obsessive boyfriends who, if he can't get you on the phone, decides he'll just COME OVER. Girls always LOVE that, don't they? And then he finds her splayed out on the steps in her negligee, but all he wants to talk about is, "Hey, when are we gonna have sex?" He could at LEAST say, "Gee whiz, how did you end up on the steps like that? Do you have Alzheimers or something?" But he's totally UNconcerned.

Anyhow, "Embrace of the Vampire" re-teams Alyssa Milano and director Anne Goursaud, of Poison Ivy II fame. Sequel to the past MonsterVision flick Poison Ivy. But the real multi-talent in this flick is, of course, Martin Kemp, who plays the vampire. He was in that eighties band Spandau Ballet. Remember them? That song "I Know This Much is True"? His acting debut was with his brother Gary in a movie called The Krays, about these English gangsters who were twins. Great movie. We had it on this show. Or did we show that back when we were over at The Movie Channel? Do you guys remember? That was in 1990. Since then, he's done about a dozen B movies, including "Embrace of the Vampire." Okay, roll the ads.

[fading] You remember Spandau Ballet. They were part of the New Wave, with those bands Duran Duran, Culture Club, Human League, Soft Cell. Bananarama. Kajagoogoo. Stop me before I hurt myself. Have you seen that new Wynonna Judd video? Have you noticed that, with each passing year, she and Boy George look more and more alike? I'm not kidding. Put em side by side. You'll say "Oh, Boy George's comeback tour -- NO! My mistake! Judds Reunion!"

"EMBRACE OF THE VAMPIRE" Commercial Break #2

Did you know that "Embrace of the Vampire" was financed by the founder of "Penthouse" magazine, Bob Guccione? When Alyssa Milano found that out afterwards, she was very IRATE, as she put it. he said she was MANIPULATED. She doesn't mind flashing her hooters and makin out with girls, just as long as a PORNOGRAPHER isn't paying for it. And Bob Guccione's a great guy. I used to write for Penthouse. They even PAY THEIR WRITERS a decent amount. Okay, the vampire's getting hungry, so let's watch some neck-chomping, after the ads.

[fading] Alyssa's been in that show, Charmed (since 1998), where she and Shannen Doherty use witchcraft to fight the forces of evil. But here on "MonsterVision," we remember where Alyssa came from: playing Tony Danza's kid on "Who's the Boss" (1984-92). Wait, was she Tony Danza's kid, or did she belong to the blonde woman with the big schnozz? And Tony Danza had to get romantic with HER, while Alyssa was blossoming into a little fox right under his nose. I know how he musta felt. I always end up with the girls who stood in the wrong line on Makeover Day. You know? And then she introduces you to her sister, who models for Iron Horse Magazine. You get the iron horse. The sister MODELS for Iron Horse.

"EMBRACE OF THE VAMPIRE" Commercial Break #3

That girl who plays the Princess on the horse, that's Rebecca Ferratti -- voted Best Legs in Phoenix 1984, Miss Belly of Palm Springs 1985, Miss Physically Fit, Miss Cuervo Gold, and of course, Playboy Playmate of June of 86. Here are the numbers: 34, 24, 34. Her ideal man is tall, dark, and believes in the Lord. Which reminds me, our text this evening is from Deuteronomy, the 12th chapter, where they talk about sacrificing pigeons and slitting the throats of rams and bullocks and oxen. And speaking of prime meat, we've got Playmate of the Month from July 93 coming up now, exotic beauty Charlotte Lewis. I don't want to give anything away, but this gal stood in line twice when they were giving out sex hormones, and she knows how to clean her plate, if you know what I mean and I think you do.

[fading] I'm surprised, since Bob Guccione put up the money for this flick, that they're not Penthouse Pets instead of Playboy Playmates. Playmates are more expensive than Pets. Plus, in the old days, Playmates wouldn't even be ALLOWED to work for Bob Guccione, it was in their contracts or something. When you sign up with Hef, he pretty much determines where and when those garbonzas are gonna be sprung out of the chute, for at least two years. The meatwagon don't stop unless Hef says "Whoa," you know what I mean?

"EMBRACE OF THE VAMPIRE" Commercial Break #4

Alyssa Milano is having a bad day, isn't she? Lesbian photographers teaching her to smoke and fondling her white knee socks. She gets a "D" in Art History. A vampire sits behind her in class and embarrasses her. Her boyfriend gets jealous and obsessive. And she loses her crucifix. Do I feel a climax coming on? Indeed I do. After the commercials.

[fading] I mean, not literally. I don't feel my OWN climax coming on. Although they CAN sneak up on you. Usually not when you're drinking beer, though. Not that this is beer. This is Yoohoo. The canned version. [drinks unmarked tall can] Aaah. Bottled Yoohoo is for snobs.

"EMBRACE OF THE VAMPIRE" Commercial Break #5

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think the vampire just French-kissed Alyssa Milano THROUGH a door. And I noticed Jennifer Tilly stopped by the set one day. Jennifer is in the movie for about five minutes as the femme fatale nympho vampiress Erica, who hangs around pool halls trying to have sex with the boyfriends of virgins. And then, of course, we had my favorite scene in the whole movie -- the witch-slappin catfight. And speaking of femme fatales, [enters] it's time for our weekly visit from my favorite postal employee, the lovely TNT Mail Girl. So, Rusty, how old were YOU when you gave it up?

RUSTY: What?!
J.B.: Come on, me and the two other people who are still up wanna know.
RUSTY: That is none of your business.
J.B.: Well, at least you admit that it happened.
RUSTY: Of course it HAPPENED.
J.B.: Ooh, the bad-girl side of Rusty. I like it.
RUSTY: I'm not a bad girl!
J.B.: Well, honey, I don't see a ring on that finger
RUSTY: It was nice and brief.
J.B.: What are you saying? You were married?
RUSTY: I never told you that? Oh, here's an e-mail from Billie Walovich of Coralville, Iowa.
J.B.: Don't think you're gettin out of this one.

"Joe Bob,
"Do you recall Christina Darding who wrote from Indiana saying 'I won't watch your show because you insulted me and all the other overweight viewers.' As a young woman suffering from an eating disorder, I watch your show all the time and personally I think Christina is out of her gourd. She's knocked her noggin. You're supper Joe Bob. You can't never expect to air a show and please or displease everyone. Lots of support.
"Billie Walovich, Coralville, Iowa."

Billie, I hope you meant that I'm "super" and not that I'm "supper," -- that would be some serious eating disorder -- but thanks for the support, hon. I try to be an equal opportunity offender, because we're all disabled. Ever last one of us. And by the way, anyone else who wants to show their support can write me care of TNT, 1010 Techwood Drive, Atlanta, Georgia, 30318. Or e-mail me at

RUSTY: Or they can write a letter on the website.
J.B.: Yes, (note to MonsterVision online fans: after Y2K Joe Bob will be at
Okay, so what happened to the unlucky ex-Mr. Rusty?
RUSTY: You know, I have to get on with my deliveries. [exiting]
J.B.: But we finally have something in common.
RUSTY: My worst nightmare. [exits]
J.B.: Actually we have two things in common. We're both wounded romantics, bleeding from the cardiovascular area.


Well, there you have it -- Spandau Ballet's Martin Kemp as the vampire who just sorta rolls over and lies there, for a thousand years, I guess. Why is it he doesn't chomp her neck at the end? Does he start feeling sorry for her? Is he one of those SENSITIVE vampires? Or is there some kinda vampire rule that you can't bite her neck if she loves somebody else? I never heard that vampire rule before. Anyhow, I don't know if you noticed, but the composer for this flick is a guy named Joseph Williams. I was wondering if he was related to John Williams -- who's pretty much the most famous composer of life -- so I checked, and Joseph is John's son. But never mind that, because he was also the lead singer for Toto for a while. It's like "Has-been Bands of the 80s Night" here on "MonsterVision."

All right, I wanna let you know that next week, man-eating porcupine tumbleweeds with enormous teeth escape from a galactic prison, and come to Earth and start botherin the family of Dee Wallace Stone. Yes, that's right, it's Critters.

That's it for me, Joe Bob Briggs, reminding you that when everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Oh God!

You guys hear the one about the guy who walks into a bar and sits down next to this very attractive woman? He gives her a quick glance, then looks at his watch. The woman notices this and says, "Is your date running late?" Guy says, "No, I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it." The woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" Guy says, "It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me." Woman says, "What's it telling you now?" Guy says, "Well, it's telling me you're not wearing any panties." The woman giggles and says, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!" Guy says, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."

Joe Bob Briggs, reminding you that the drive-in will never die.

This 80-year-old woman is living at a retirement home. One days she goes into the men's rec room and holds her clenched fist up in the air. She says, "Anybody who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!" Nobody says anything for a minute, then an old guy in the back says "An elephant?" Bessie looks at him, says "Close enough."

Embrace Of The Vampire is available on video and on DVD from

This has nothing to do with Joe Bob's review of the above movie, but the following review of D.H. Lawrence's "Lady Chatterly's Lover" appeared in Field & Stream Magazine in 1959:
Although written many years ago, Lady Chatterly's Lover has just been reissued...and this fictional account of the day-by-day life of an English gamekeeper is still of considerable interest to outdoor-minded readers, as it contains many passages on pheasant raising, the apprehending of poachers, ways to control vermin, and other chores and duties of the professional gamekeeper. Unfortunately, one is obliged to wade through many pages of extraneous material in order to discover and savor these sidelights on the management of a Midlands shooting estate, and in this reviewer's opinion this book cannot take the place of J.R. Miller's Practical Gamekeeping.

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Host segment transcript of 2-5-00 broadcast 2000 Turner Network Television. A Time Warner Company. All Rights Reserved