QUEST FOR THE NAIR WITCH
Who is she? What does she want? Last week, Joe Bob, Rusty and Summer took to the Hollywood Hills to boldy seek out this hideous, hairless hag while hosting a Halloween marathon. Read on as Joe Bob deciphers Carrie, Child's Play 2 and Phantasm.
Funeral homes are creepy places and this movie confirms it. Set at the foreboding Morningside Cemetery in Anytown, U.S.A., this one gets cracking right away when two brothers uncover a sinister plot devised by the chief undertaker (Angus Scrimm) known to fans of the film as "The Tall Man." Pretty soon our heroes are menaced by gnome-like creatures, severed hands, and a flying silver sphere armed with spikes for drilling human heads. Phantasm(1979), Halloween night 1999 at 12:35 am on TNT
Rating: TV-14-V. Host segments continued from Carrie at 8pm and Child’s Play 2
Come back tomorrow, October 31, for A Special Halloween Joe Bob Briggs presentation featuring special guests Rhonda Shear and Joe Flaherty: In the Mouth of Madness
Joe Bob Briggs with the original "Phantasm" up now, the classic 1979 horror flick that spawned three sequels including "Phantasm 2," which we'll show after this. The first one introduces the Tall Man, when a big-haired kid watches him steal a corpse and take it to a secret room in his mausoleum for some embalming of the supernatural kind. We're talking yellow goo city. Not going to say any more cause I don't want to give anything away, so let's do the drive-in totals. We have:
6 dead bodies
No breasts
Double graveyard aardvarkus
1 motor vehicle chase with crash
Dagger to the chest
Foot bonking
Finger rolls
Giant fly to the head
Exploding door
Exploding hearse
Dwarf hunting
Gratuitous '70s guitar jam
And the famous "Phantasm" silver ball to the face. 4 stars, check it out. OK, got that done. Rusty: Can I look at the map?
JB: No you can't look at the map. I'm in charge of the map, I already told you that. Just stay close together. Summer: Is that safer?
JB: No but it's more fun, if you trip over a stick
Break One
Rusty: Oh, my feet hurt.
JB: Well, what'd you wear those shoes for?
Rusty: Well, how was I supposed to know we'd be hiking 90 miles thru the Hollywood Hills?
Summer: Hey Joe Bob, how come you never have to carry the camera?
JB: Cause I have to look at the map. And because I hired you to carry the camera.
Summer: Hired!! That's a slight over-statement, don't you think?
JB: Yeah, but you'll have it for your reel, it's the same thing. And also, I have to stop and talk about the movie. Actually, let's do one of those now, OK? Ready? Here, Summer, rest your foot. Hold my key light [a flashlight] while I do this. Ready?
Alright, I'd like to point out what a nice job Jody & Reggie did with that little rock & roll ditty. And Reggie Bannister, the guy with the tuning fork, he's a Viet Nam veteran and former folk singer. Remember the group Stone Country? Well, neither does Reggie. So, he looks like he was in Nam. It's that ponytail. Do guys still wear those? I think guys in France still wear those. Ok, cut. Thankyou, Summer. See, that's why I can't carry the camera. You gotta do that. So let's just keep going, alright? Summer: I think Michael Keaton's house is right down this hill. Could we stop and ask him if he has any Band-Aids?
JB: I'm gonna pretend that you did not say that. But you know, actually, now that I look at them, I'm kinda glad that you wore these shoes. Those are good shoes. Actually Rusty's shoes, let me see that shoe, that's not a bad shoe either. Good shoes [both are hiking in high-heel shoes]
Break 2
Summer: This looks familiar. Have we been here already?
JB: No, would you come on? The cemetery's just right over here, I think.
Summer: I want to go back to the car.
JB: We don't have a car, Summer, we hiked here. Remember? Wait, you know what? This is a good place to tape a movie segment. I like this.
Summer: Yeah, it's the same place we taped the last one.
JB: It is not! OK, Summer, do the key light. OK, Action:
Well, I mentioned earlier how talented Bill Thornbury is, he's the guy who looks like Roger Moore, plays Jody. Not only is he a guitar virtuoso, but he's also able to get completely dressed while simultaneously chasing his brother thru the cemetery. This flick really made an impression when it was released, especially considering that it came out the same summer as Alien, Halloween, The Amityville Horror, The Shining, and Dawn Of The Dead. Don Coscarelli wrote and directed it when he was 21 years old, making himself an instant legend. Kinda like, The Nair Witch.
Rusty: Can I see the map?
JB: You stepped on my last line! Rusty. And no, you can't see the map.
Rusty: Well why are you the only one who gets to see the map?
JB: Because I have studied the map.
Summer: I agree with her. This looks really familiar.
Rusty: This is NOT cool.
JB: Alright, first of all, moratorium: nobody says "not cool" anymore
Summer: This is SO not cool
Break 3
Rusty: Alright, got it?
Summer: Yeah.
Rusty: Oh darn it, I just broke a nail.
JB: Could be worse. Coulda had a Phantasm silver ball drill a hole thru your brain. OK, tape me. I feel inspired. Here, hold my key light
We're getting the toned-down version of Phantasm here, unfortunately, the TNT censors cut the blood spurting out of the guy's head. But Don Coscarelli, this is nice--two key lights [Rusty & Summer holding flashlights], both of my good sides--Don Coscarelli said that they tried a bunch of really elaberate rigs with piano wire and fishing line to get that silver ball to fly. But none of it worked, so they got a junior college baseball pitcher at Cal State Northridge to throw the thing from behind the camera.
Cut. Ok, very good job Rusty. OK girls, let's go. I feel we're getting a lot closer to finding the Nair Witch.
Rusty: I feel like we're lost.
JB: We're not lost
Summer: We're lost
JB: We're not lost!
Rusty: Where are we?
JB: Not lost...
Rusty: Lost
JB: Not
Summer: Stop it! Both of you! Just walk.
Rusty: Why? So we can get more lost?
JB: It's impossible to get lost here. Let me explain something to you. Because we destroyed all our natural resources in America, you cannot get lost, especially in 1999, in L.A., you can't get lost anymore.
Summer: Oh my God, we're lost, aren't we? We are so lost.
Break 4 [coyote howls]
JB: I think we're lost.
Rusty: I told you!
JB: Look, let's just set up the tent. We'll have a little slumber party. It's no big deal.
Summer: Oh, I don't think so.
JB: Well, then, let's have a little snack. Who's got the can opener?
Rusty & Summer: Not me!
Rusty: Oh that reminds me, I need the toilet paper.
JB: Ok, who's got the toilet paper?
Rusty & Summer: Not me!
JB: Well, just go use a leaf or something, and I'll talk about the movie while you're gone. Here, we'll do this. Action:
The first film Don Coscarelli did was called "Jim, The World's Greatest," which he wrote when he was 17 years old and he directed when he was 18. And it starred Angus Scrimm. And one day Don saw Angus goofing around with this little kid on the set and he thought Angus might be good as some kind of supernatural villain. So without saying anything to Angus, Don went off and wrote Phantasm. Went up to a cabin in the mountains and he wrote it in two weeks, and he created the Tall Man for Angus Scrimm, came up with the idea for the severed finger one day when he accidentally poked his finger thru a styrafoam cup.
And it was a big success. And then right after the movie came out, Angus got this letter from a little boy that said, "Dear Mr. Scrimm, My big brother picks on me, my teachers are mean to me, my parents ignore me and pretend I'm not here. Mr. Scrimm, could you please send me one of your silver balls?"
Cut! OK, Rusty, you done yet?
Rusty: I'm looking for a good spot.
JB: Well hurry it up.
Summer: This is screwed up! This is totally screwed up!
JB: Turn off the camera.
Summer: I don't want to turn off the camera. I want people to see just how screwed up you are!
JB: We're not lost, ok? I was just kidding.
Summer: Are you telling me the truth?
JB: Yes. No. I don't know.
Summer: This is no joke, Joe Bob. Don't do this.
JB: Would you turn that off? Do what? I was kidding! Ha-ha-ha.
QUEST FOR THE NAIR WITCH