Monstervision's Joe Bob Briggs Looks At

Amityville 3 (1983)

For years now, owners of a ďhaunted houseĒ in Amityville, New York, have been trying to sell the thing. They complain that the horror movies about it havenít helped.
Well, never let it be said that Joe Bob Briggs canít be helpful, so letís see how many stars Professor Joe Bob gives Amityville 3-D

(From Joe Bob's Ultimate B Movie Guide)

Burt Young is replaced by . . . Tony Roberts (!), on loan from the Woodman, in this borefest in which Tony gets a GREAT DEAL on the Amityville house, which doesn't even look like the Amityville house anymore. Investigative reporter Candy Clark (!!) takes photos inside the house during a sťance, and when she develops them a fat realtor has black zits all over his face.
She doesn't know what to make of it until Mr. Century 21 returns to the house and gets his face eaten off by flies. Meanwhile, the elevator is acting up, and Tess Harper, as Tony's wife, gets trapped in a room and white smoke blows all over her face and so she decides to get a wimp scientist to help her. Boring ghost stuff ensues, followed by a Candy Clark collision with a truck that rams a pole through her and turns her body extra-crispy. Four teen porkchops hanging around the drugstore decide to check out The House, resulting in Lori Loughlin becoming a zombie, setting us up for the paranormal Poltergeist - ripoff exorcism sequence. After a lot of pink-smoke leading victims to the basement toilet (!!!), a giant fire-breathing green creature from the black lagoon rises up OUT OF the toilet (!!!!) and sucks the scientist into eternity and shakes the house apart and sets it on fire and glass flies all around and they make like a bakery truck and haul buns but by then everybody is dead.
Four dead bodies.
Produced by Dino de Laurentiis of King Kong Lives fame. Why, Dino, why?  1.5 stars

© 2000 Joe Bob Briggs. All Rights Reserved. Not an AOL Time-Warner Company in this lifetime.

Monstervision's Joe Bob Briggs Looks At

Amityville Dollhouse (1997)

A small-scale replica of the infamous haunted house unleashes a new batch of horrors upon an unsuspecting family.
Directed by Steve White and starring Robin Thomas, Starr Andreeff
Description courtesy from 1997
120 min, rated R for Adult language, adult situations, violence

The Amityville Horror (1979)
Tue  Feb 27  02:35P on Showtime Beyond
Fri  Mar  2  12:00A on Flix Movie Channel

The Amityville Horror (2005 remake)
Tue  Feb 27  08:30P on Showtime #2

Amityville Horror 2
(not currently scheduled)

Amityville 3
(not currently scheduled)

For this and other movie reviews by the artist formerly known as the host of MonsterVision, go to Joe Bob

Trivia about The Amityville Horror (courtesy of the Internet Movie Database)
* The House: "GET OUT!"
* The outdoor scenes of the 1979 movie were not filmed in Amityville, Long Island, but rather Toms River, New Jersey. Local police and ambulance workers played extras.
* The Toms River, New Jersey volunteer Fire Company Number One was used to provide the "rain" during one of the exterior scenes. If you look closely, you can see that it is sunny and not "raining" in the background, the next street over.

A woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the druggist for all the cyanide he has in stock. Alarmed, he asks why she needs it. "My husband is having an affair and I'm going to kill him!" The druggist tells he cannot give her any cyanide because it would be unethical, immoral, wrong, and would make him an accessory to murder. Then she pulls out a photo of her husband in bed with the druggist's wife. "Oh," says the pharmacist," I didn't know you had a prescription."

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