Monstervision's Joe Bob Briggs Looks At

Lifeforce (1985)

(From Joe Bob's Ultimate B Movie Guide)

movie poster Android zombie breath-sucking electric-lip space vampires take over the world in Tobe Hooper's best flick of the eighties, starring Steve Railsback as an astronaut who goes into outer space to study Halley's Comet, but instead finds three nekkid fashion models floating in frozen-dinner trays, and one of them is Mathilda May and her intergalactic love pouches. So Steve goes totally berserk and starts making the sign of the twin-humped antelope inside Mathilda's see-through space coffin, and pretty soon everybody on the spaceship starts dying of outer-space lung cancer and turning into pieces of dried-up beef jerky. Steve bails out and lands in Texas, but meanwhile some dimwits in London go up and bring the spaceship back with the three nekkid space vampires in body bags, and once Mathilda gets to earth she starts flashing her hooters and kissing old men with her electrified mouth and deep-throating em to death. When she gets finished with you, you look like a half-smoked Tiparillo for exactly two hours, then you come back to life and look for somebody to suck the breath out of and turn THEM into a Tiparillo, and eventually you have exploding bodies all over the lot and British guys going "Collect the pieces of those bodies and WATCH THEM!" Then the space vampires prance off into London and communicate with Steve Railsback via ESP and turn the whole world into rioting throat-sucking vampires. Fortunately, the only place where they consider "sterilization by thermonuclear device" feasible is London, and by then Mathilda's possessing the bodies of insane-asylum doctors and making all the pictures spin around in their frames and starting indoor Poltergeist-style hurricanes. The only way to kill these guys? A five-foot-long sword cast in lead and plunged two inches BELOW the heart, in the "energy center." Too bad, though, cause by now Steve is falling love with Mathilda and they're threatening to suck each other to death. Meanwhile a giant outer-space umbrella comes down from another galaxy and parks over London and starts sucking up dead souls from Westminster Abbey, destroying the British tourisn industry. And the only guy who can save the world is Peter Firth, who knows what to do with a sword.

Sixteen breasts.
Twenty-four dead bodies.
Seventeen quarts blood.
Fifty-seven beasts.
Three gratuitous vampire attacks.
Kung Fu.
Lip Fu.
Arm rolls.
Hand rolls.
Exploding actors.
Instant beef-jerky manufacturing.
With a special effects crew led by Star Wars pioneer John Dykstra. 4 stars

2000 Joe Bob Briggs. All Rights Reserved. Not an AOL Time-Warner Company in this lifetime.

Trivia (Courtesy of the Internet Movie Database)

* Patrick Stewart mentioned on a late '90s edition of the "Tonight Show" (1992) that locking lips with Steve Railsback in this movie was his first screen-kiss ever.
* The BBC newsreader early in the film, John Edmunds, really was a BBC newsreader from the 1960s until 1981.
* Most of Nicholas Ball's performance ended up on the cutting room floor according to an interview he give on the "Wogan" (1982) chat show in 1985.
* John Gielgud, Klaus Kinski and Olivia Hussey were originally announced to star (in late 1984) according to the Teletext film news section.
* Despite being credited on the 101 min cut, the following actors were deleted: John Woodnutt, John Forbes-Robertson and Russell Somers. Carl Rigg appears but has all his lines removed.

Tobe Hooper's previous film was Poltergeist, his next film was Invaders From Mars. Joe Bob has also reviewed Fire In The Sky. For this and other movie reviews by the artist formerly known as the host of MonsterVision, go to Joe Bob

Fun fact:
Scientists named a bright red foot-long squid covered with tiny lights and spines that lives 3300 feet underwater, "Vampyroteutieuthis Infernalis," which means "Vampire Squid From Hell" according to Ripley's Believe It Or Not

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