"Ghoulies II", continued from Ghoulies 1 host segments
"Now. Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the bathroom.
That was the tagline on the poster for "Ghoulies II,"
with another shot of em coming out of the toilet.
I don't think I
told you the tagline for the first "Ghoulies," which was: "They'll get you
in the end." Nothing like scatological humor to get the crowds pouring
into the theater. Unfortunately, "Ghoulies II" didn't get a theatrical
release, it went straight to video, where it spawned two MORE sequels.
This time the little puss-monsters show up at a carnival, blending in with
the other freaks, killin slutty carnies and geek high school students
until everybody starts drawing pentagrams in the dirt and quoting
Shakespeare trying to stop em from throwin people out of the ferris wheel.
Once again, there IS a midget involved, but, you know what, let's just do
the drive-in totals and get it started. We have:
bodies. No breasts. Five dead ghoulies. Razor-blade slicing.
Knife to the leg. Puss to the face. Ghoulie to the face.
Severed arm. Foot biting. Ghoulie eating. Death by toxic
waste. Death by pendulum. Exploding Ghoulie. Ghoulie Fu.
And, of course, Toilet Fu. Two stars. Check it out, and I'll
be right here with you.
[fading] Notice how I used that word
"scatological"? You know what that means? It means "pertaining to the end
times." End of the world. Armageddon . . . Yes, I know it's dirty jokes.
How do you think they got the words "end times"? Hence, scatological."
"Ghoulies II" Commercial Break #1
"Mr. Harden wants to
replace Satan's Den with female mud wrestling... and we're supposed to
root for the haunted house? First rule of screenwriting--always make your
main character sympathetic. And how am I supposed to sympathize with the
guys standing in the way of a mud-wrestling tent? It's a no-brainer.
Anyhow, I told you "Ghoulies" was made by Empire Pictures, headed
by Charles Band. After the relative success of the first movie, he wanted
to make "Ghoulies II," but he couldn't find any directors who would touch
it without changing the script. So he hired a guy he knew would do it
without changing it--his father.
Albert Band, directed the
original "Young Guns" in 1956, and this creepy movie called "I Bury the
Living." Then he went to Italy and did a bunch of spaghetti westerns,
under the name Alfredo Antonioni. Wonder where he got THAT name. And then
he came back to the U.S. and started making low-budget B-movies for his
I should also mention that Albert Band normally composes all
the music for his son's pictures. And I noticed on this one that the music
is credited to Fuzzbee Morse. Since no one has ever HEARD of Fuzzbee
Morse, I suspect that Albert didn't want the credits to read, "Produced
by, Directed by, Music by"--once you get more than seven or eight credits
by one guy on the front end of a movie, it looks like you're cheap.
Of course, the Bands ARE cheap. Okay, back to the
[fading] Did you notice how the big meeting was at the
"ten-in-one"? Do you know what a ten-in-one is? A
ten-in-one was always the backbone of the carnival. The freak show,
usually. Ten acts under one tent. And at least five of those acts had some
further moneymaking gimmick, so that once you were INSIDE the tent, they
had other ways to get your quarters. Anyway, the ten-in-one was usually
the largest employer on the midway, so it was the natural meeting place.
Now wasn't that enlightening? Do I know my freaks?"
"Ghoulies II" Commercial Break #2
"Boy, those people don't
get out much, do they? I like how the crowd RUNS into the haunted house,
like it's a Pink Floyd show or something. That's the concert where people
got trampled to death, right? Or was it the Julio Iglesias show in Puerto
Vallarta? You know the blonde girl who goes into the haunted house looking
for Muffy the kitten? You know why she has to die? She's a slut! All sluts
must die. The fourth rule of low-budget horror. Anyhow, that's Royal Dano
as the drunkard Uncle Ned, there. He died about five years ago, but man,
did he work a lot.
83 films, and countless TV shows. I won't bore
you with the titles, save one: Killer Klowns from Outer Space. That's
"klowns" with a K. Great flick. One of Royal Dano's first movies was "The
Red Badge of Courage" in 1951, which Albert Band co-wrote.
screenplay, obviously. The novel, of course, was written by . . .
[fading] When in doubt about a Civil War novel,
say Margaret Mitchell. No one knows the difference. Oh, and I remember
what concert it was where the people got killed.
Neil Diamond in
London. Three old ladies and a guy selling hot tea were trampled to death
in 1972. Tragic accident. I know it was Stephen Crane. Ichabod Crane's
"Ghoulies II" Commercial Break #3
"That guy Merle who got
mummified by the ghoulies -- what was his crime, class?
STUPID--that is correct. The FIFTH law of low-budget horror: the stupid
Anyway, that's William Butler, and he's already quite
a veteran of horror sequels. He was in "Friday the 13th Part VII," Night
of the Living Dead--the nineties one, obviously. Texas Chainsaw Massacre
III. And he starred in "Watchers 4." Either he's a big horror fan, or he
needs a new agent. I'm gonna hurt that guy who keeps calling his radio his
"tunes," though. Where are those little murderous demons when you need em?
Okay, back to "Ghoulies II." Roll it.
[fading] I think I figured
out what those ghoulies are supposed to be. Let's see, there's the cat
ghoulie, the dog ghoulie, the flying fish ghoulie, the alligator ghoulie,
and . . . the Danny DeVito ghoulie. So what you've got, basically, is a
PBS children's special on pet care, WITH mutations."
"Ghoulies II" Commercial Break #4
"Okay, that was the
obligatory "touching moment." Nicole is afraid of heights ever since her
brother missed the net, so Larry comforts her, and why do I think that
later on she'll have to go up high again? Hmmmm. Also, if that midget does
any more Shakespeare, I'm bailing. You know what? This is the SAME midget
who quotes Shakespeare in "Troll," isn't it? The guy was trying to make a
whole career as "you know, the dwarf who does Hamlet." But that raspy
voice he's got, is that a midget thing? Sometimes he sounds normal, but
most of the time he sounds just like Herve Villechaize did, but without
the French accent. Except he doesn't look like Herve Villechaize, he looks
like the guy from Hall & Oats. I don't know which one. Who was the
dark guy with the moustache? The shorter one. That was Oats, right?
Anyway, his name's Phil Fondacaro. Plays a lotta short guys, oddly. Played
Cousin Itt in Addams Family Reunion, the one with Daryl Hannah as
Morticia. That one musta got by me somehow. He was a troll in . . .
"Troll." He played a bartender in "Steele Justice" --that's gotta be tough
for a midget to pull off. He was an Ewok in Return of the Jedi. Wait,
weren't the Ewoks BIG? Wasn't Chewbacca an Ewok? I gotta brush up on my
Star Wars particulars for this summer. Maybe I can get TNT to schedule
those flicks, so I don't have to rent em. Yeah, like they ever listen to
ME. Keep dreamin, Joe Bob. Okay, let's go.
[fading] They did let me
show the original Godzilla around the time the new "Godzilla" came out
last year. The one the critics hated, the public hated, but my friend's
7-year-old kid is OBSESSED with. Threw a temper tantrum when they took him
to see "The Nutcracker on Ice." He wanted to see "Godzilla on Ice." He
probably accounts for half of the box office receipts on that flick. Let's
see, half of a hundred dollars is . . . yeah, that's about right."
"Ghoulies II" Commercial Break #5
"Slime City. The ghoulies
are heading for the midway and they're ready to party. Are you
sensing a slight lack of enthusiasm on my part? SLIME that Day
Player! Yes sirrooney.
All right, my favorite part is comin up
here, so I'm gonna move it along. Remember the famous bar scene in
"Gremlins"? This is Empire Pictures' answer to that. Roll
[fading] The ghoulies are on the loose in Rome. That's where
this flick was shot. Why, I don't know. They had to pay more for cameras,
but they got fresh mozzarella at cost. Cheese for the cheesy."
"Ghoulies II" Commercial Break #6
"Isn't it amazing how
they can look up passages in the MAGIC SPELL BOOK while being attacked by
rabid ghoulies? Anyway, I love the ghoulies loose at the carnival,
especially that shooting gallery scene, with the one ghoulie walkin back
and forth while the other one shoots at him. I enjoyed that so much, I'm
not even gonna try and figure out what movie they ripped off for that. And
then there's the great toilet scene, where the weenie accountant gets his
hiney chewed out. Okay, the giant ghoulie has made its appearance. Let's
return for the low-budget conclusion to "Ghoulies II." Roll
[fading] Don't skip the ending --you don't want to be confused
when you see "Ghoulies 3: Ghoulies Go to College." It's very important to
know all the carefully constructed plot points before you move onto the
next one. You're only cheating YOURSELF."
"Ghoulies II" Outro
"And there you have it.
Giant Rubber-Suit Gill Man Ghoulie gets blown up with a Molotov cocktail,
and Larry and Nicole go off to find other cheapo horror sequels to star
in. Kind of a mild ending, there.
I wanna remind you, though, that
we're showin Carrie again next week. Last time we showed it, I had an
actual witch co-host it with me, and I think we offended him somehow,
cause things haven't worked quite right around here since. But this time
we're showing it straight up, and then we'll have the prequel to "Twin
Peaks," about the last seven days of Laura Palmer, Twin Peaks: Fire Walk
And that's it for me, Joe Bob Briggs, reminding you that
some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill em.
guys hear the one about the blonde who gets a brand new sports car for her
16th birthday? While she's out driving, she cuts off a tractor-trailer.
The driver motions her to pull off to the side of the road. When she pulls
over, the truck pulls up behind her and the driver gets out. He takes a
piece of chalk out of pocket and draws a circle around the blonde. He
tells her not to step out of the circle, and then he pulls out a
pocketknife, goes to her car, and cuts her leather seats all up. When he
turns around, the blonde is stifling a giggle. So he says, "You think
that's funny, watch what I do now." Using the knife again, he slashes all
four of her tires. Now she's laughing. The driver gets really mad, goes
into his truck and pulls out a bat, and smashes her windows and her car
all up. The blonde starts laughing so hard she can barely stand up. Now
the truck driver gets really mad, gets a gas can out of his truck and
torches her car. And now the blonde is on the ground, rolling around,
laughing her head off. The truck driver looks at her and says, "What's so
funny?!" And the blonde says, "When you weren't looking I stepped outside
the circle four times!"
Joe Bob Briggs, reminding you that the
drive-in will never die.
[fading] A blonde walks into a store. She
sees a shiny object, and she asks the clerk, "What is that?" Clerk says
"It's a thermos." Blonde says "What does it do?" Clerk says "It keeps hot
things hot, and cold things cold." So the blonde buys one. Next day she
brings it to work. Her boss, who's also a blonde, asks "What's that shiny
object?" First blonde says, "It's a thermos." The boss says, "What does it
do?" Blonde says "It keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold." Boss
says, "What do you have in there?" Blonde says, "Two cups of coffee and a
"Ghoulies 2" availabilty at Amazon.com on video and on DVD