Monstervision Host Segments for

Ghoulies (1985)

"Ghoulies" Intro

Ghoulies "How many pairs of black pantyhose do you think they use up during a performance of "Riverdance"?
I wanna be the guy who sells black pantyhose to "Riverdance." Even when they wear WHITE dresses, they wear black pantyhose. And then the way they can pound the floor with those deadly Buster Browns --makes you NEVER wanna date an Irish woman, you know what I mean?

And speaking of demonic midgets in Nazi regalia, we've got "Ghoulies" coming up in a minute. I'm Joe Bob Briggs, host of the only show that would DARE to show a double feature of "Ghoulies" and the even more incomprehensible "Ghoulies 2."

As I was saying, is it my imagination or is "Riverdance" on TV 24 hours a day, like Muzak? And what does it mean anyway? There's no river! Where's the river? The word "river" makes it sound like synchronized swimming, or at least you're gonna have a little gliding around like swans. But instead you've got these red-headed robot Catholic-school-girl cloggers who can send African drum signals with their heels.

Then the frizzy-haired midget floats out. You know that guy, the star of the show? The only real MALE presence in the show is a three-foot-six goat dancer. You know what I mean?
He dances on tippy-toe, like a goat. And then, am I hallucinating, or does a really bad black gospel choir come out in the middle of the show and sing some song about "let my people roam free" while standing in front of a silhouette of the Brooklyn Bridge? Does that really happen in "Riverdance"? Or did I just have some kinda weird PBS nightmare?
How many black people live in Ireland?
ALL of them are in this show, right?
How did "Riverdance" become the most beloved video of cultural Yuppies everywhere? Because it's not like we haven't seen this dancing before.
You know where you can see it every week?
On the live broadcast of the Grand Ole Opry on The Nashville Network. They've had Irish cloggers on there for about, oh, 17 hundred years. And how many hours can you WATCH clogging anyhow? After the first 30 minutes of watching these paralyzed-at-the-waist ice queens kickin the floor like lesbian soccer players, you tend to go "These Irish girls don't get out much, do they?" I mean, your mind wanders. "Wonder what she would look like if they did that naked? They probly wear sport bras."

I know there's supposed to be some kind of story to "Riverdance," but to figure it out you have to listen to those high-pitched tweety-bird singers and actually figure out what the WORDS are.
Are all Irish songs written for triple-high-C sopranos accompanied by accordion music?
No wonder there's so many drunks over there.
I just don't get the whole deal. "Riverdance." Pow! Pow! Pow! I am woman! Bring out the twittering midget! Okay, more accordion music. How about a zither solo? "Isn't this wonderful? It's so enriching." Somebody write in and explain this to me, okay?

And speaking of midgets, we're gonna watch "Ghoulies" right now, and it's about this newly married couple who inherit a haunted mansion where--uh oh!--Jonathan's daddy once ripped out his mama's heart and let her get eaten up by rat-monsters. But now Jonathan starts reading the magic books in the basement and dressing up like a Ku Klux Klan member and holding a spear up and saying weird Latin phrases backwards until his eyes turn green and his robes start flying in the wind and these little yellow-intestine creatures show up and then two midgets offer to serve him forever.
I don't wanna give it away so I won't say anything more about it.
I will give you those drive-in totals at the next break.
Roll it.

[fading] Also, why do they do extreme close-ups in "Riverdance"? It just looks like this." [demonstrates]

"Ghoulies" Commercial Break #1

"Hey, I know! Let's do a ritual!" That's called a transition in a Charles Band movie. "Ghoulies" was, believe it or not, one of the most successful movies ever made by Empire Pictures, the company that Charles Band ran in the eighties. Even though everybody KNEW it was a cheap rip-off of Gremlins. The advertising posters had a picture of a ghoulie emerging from a toilet--which the critics said was a most appropriate image for where the movie came from and where it belonged. Anyway, I just wanna point out two things and then we'll move on. The guy in the kitchen who's trying to impress Donna, and he says "Hi, my name is Dick, but you can call me . . . Dick"-- that actor's name is Keith Joe Dick. And the actress who plays the very beautiful and desirable Donna, that Dick is hitting on--she has that conversation about going out with "Toad Boy" -- that actress is Mariska Hargitay. Daughter of Mickey Hargitay and Jayne Mansfield.

I don't know if anybody even remembers Mickey Hargitay anymore. Famous pro bodybuilder who got lots MORE famous when he married Jayne. So anyway Mariska has those Jayne Mansfield genes going for her, which is a much better thing than having those Mickey Hargitay genes going for her, but anyway, that's her, and this is "Ghoulies," and let's move it along, okay?

Oh, those drive-in totals:

Ghoulies Nine dead bodies.
Two breasts. (We won't be seeing those, of course.)
Rat attack.
Exploding heart.
Laser-eye special effects.
Kung Fu.
Midget Fu.
Tongue Fu. And Devil Fu.

Two and a half stars. Check it out, and we're gonna be here all night long, waxing poetic. And waning poetic. Roll it.

[fading] This whole thing was filmed in the Wattles Mansion in West Hollywood.
Which has been deserted ever since Mickey Hargitay was Mr. Universe. Anybody ever see old newsreel footage of Mickey? He was kinda the Jean-Claude Van Damme of his day--you couldn't quite take him seriously, but you couldn't avoid him either. He was one of Mae West's boy-toys toward the end of her life. [shudder] Don't wanna think about it.

"Ghoulies" Commercial Break #2

"So if Jonathan and Rebecca are still college students, they must be especially STUPID college students cause they both look about 35 years old and they still haven't graduated. "Ghoulies" is kind of a throwback to the fifties, isn't it? Including the performance of Lisa Pelikan as the long-suffering girlfriend--or is she a wife?

I can't tell. Anyhow, he says "I've decided not to go to school anymore. I'm just gonna clean the house."
And she says, "Fine, dear, whatever's best for you."
He says, "Hey, let's do a satanic ritual."
"Well, all right, honey, if you think so." It reminds me of the Nancy Reagan role in "Donovan's Brain."
"I'm going to be keeping this brain alive in the back room, sweetheart."
"That's good. How about a nice stew?"
I don't know if they did it on purpose or not, but the acting is kinda fifty-ish as well. Did you see the way Jonathan suddenly turned zombie on us and was summoned down into the basement? Straight out of a Roger Corman film from the fifties. Which is appropriate, because the interiors of this movie were filmed at Roger Corman's studio, which is a converted lumberyard in Venice, California. Okay, enough B-movie trivia.
Let's get some ghoulies going here. Roll it.

[fading] Pretty soon they're gonna start talking about their "relationship." What are the seven most dreaded words in the human language. Guys? "We need to talk about our relationship." Right? I usually have a great comeback for that. "We do?" "Huh?" One thing you should never say is, "Can it wait till the game's over?" Don't say that. You can get permanently injured doing that. I have this mark on my ankle--well, I'm not gonna go into it. Just don't say that."

"Ghoulies" Commercial Break #3

"So the girlfriend is gone, and that leaves Jonathan alone in the house with his pentagrams and his talismans and his cute little furry mucous-covered reptilian pets. We're gonna leave him there for a minute while we read a little viewer mail, in the segment we call "Joe Bob's Advice to the Hopeless," [enters] and helping us out is Miss Gunderson's Whole-Wheat Tortilla 1994, Rusty, the TNT Mail Girl. Gunderson's had a motto I liked -- what was it?

MAIL GIRL: "We like em healthy."
JB: That's it. And I couldn't agree more.
MAIL GIRL: Unfortunately, it was false advertising.
JB: How do you mean?
MAIL GIRL: They were using food coloring to make the tortillas brown.
JB: That's disgusting.
MAIL GIRL: They were misrepresenting themselves.
JB: It was a flour tortilla DISGUISED as a whole-wheat tortilla.
MG: Exactly.
JB: Well, fortunately, your own tortillas survived that traumatic experience.
MAIL GIRL: I hope I didn't hear that.
JB: Who did you say the letter's from?
MAIL GIRL: Deron McBee. in Los Angeles, California. They were supposed to be whole wheat.

JB: "Dear Joe Bob Briggs,
"I'm writing to you after watching you and Roddy Piper give your sparkling review of 'Immortal Combat.'
My name is Deron McBee. and I was the, let's see, how'd you put it? Ex-Chippendale, steroid-pumping, silicone butt-implanted, B-12 injecting actor that remained nameless.
"There's a few issues I'd like to address, if you'd indulge me. Regarding the 'steroid' comment. How about taking a look at Mr. Piper's bod during his They Live performance and then his somewhat deflated look on 'Immortal Combat'? Funny you didn't ask Hot Rod about anabolic steroid usage. You took pot shots at two of us that were unable to defend ourselves. In regards to the 'silicon butt implant' comment, sorry, these buns are all USDA prime choice. However, you were correct on two counts. For one, I did use B-12 injections to keep the killer mosquitoes at bay, and two, I did have a short stint as a Chippendale dancer. Now about the 'nameless actor' bit, chew on this, Joe Bob. Some of my credits include a starring role on the 'American Gladiators' TV show. Guest starring roles on shows like 'Married with Children,' 'Cybil,' 'In Living Color,' and many others (see resume). As far as films, try roles in the last two Batman films and a lead villain role in this past number one box office film 'Mortal Kombat: Annihilation,' on for size (see enclosed picture of the horney guy)."

Horny guy? [off-pictures] Oh, he means the guy with the horns. Can we get a shot of this?

"My point being this, Joe Bob. I think Roddy Piper is a terrific guy. However, before you bag on another actor, why don't you make sure that his resume and acting accomplishments aren't more substantial than your guest star's! Oh by the way, have you seen the national Sprite commercial where the karate guy gets cracked in the head by the Sprite bottle? If not, ask around. I bet a bunch of your co-workers have.

"P.S. Roles in 'Immortal Combat' and 'Mortal Kombat: Annihilation'-- strange coincidence, dumb luck, lucky break? Hmm...
"With much love and fond affection,

Oh my God! Do you realize what's happened here, Rusty?
MG: What?
JB: Like a jerk, I poked fun at the KARATE GUY WHO GETS CRACKED IN THE HEAD BY THE SPRITE BOTTLE. I didn't know it was THAT GUY. Oh my God, Deron, you've got to come on the show when we have our All-Chippendales Actors Reunion Show. I feel soooooo ashamed of myself. I feel terrible.

MAIL GIRL: Who is he again?
JB: He's the Chippendale dancer in "Immortal Combat" with the buns of steel. You know, the guy who used to be on "American Gladiators" and did that great guest-star turn on "Cybil." It's Deron McBee. It's THE Deron McBee.

MG: Oh, okay.
JB: I'll never get another movie role the rest of my life. Do you realize what I did to myself?

MG: No.
JB: I made fun of his B-12 injections. And all that time he had LEGITIMATE buns of steel."

"Ghoulies" Commercial Break #4

"Ghoulies" really takes off once the Nazi midgets appear. The late Tamara de Treaux. People talk about Drew Barrymore being in "E.T."

Tamara de Treaux WAS E.T. She was inside the guy, turning him into a star, but does Spielberg give her any credit? She had to go get low-budget work before we ever got to see her face. She plays Greedigut. And her partner is the great midget actor Peter Risch, as Grizzel. They're great, but the real stars of the movies are the ghoulies-- puppets controlled with cables. You can't really tell em apart, but there are a lot of em, and they're nasty and slimy, as ghoulies should be. Back to the movie.

[fading] "Ghoulies" was directed by Luca Bercovici, who starred in the movie "Parasite."
The fact is in my head, I spit it out.
I can't help it. I'm shallow, but I'm TEEMING with shallowness. You know?"

"Ghoulies" Commercial Break #5

"I love the part where the midgets start clubbing the ghoulies into submission and arguing over who the true master is. Stuff like that almost makes up for the rest of the cheesy effects, like when Jonathan's eyes turn green so we'll know he's zoning out on us again. How many movies did they rip off to make this thing? "Gremlins," obviously. Poltergeist-- the evil clown puppet. Friday the 13th, with the dead horny teenagers. And then the zombie jumping out of the grave, the slime-spewing ghoul who looks like Professor Irwin Corey with face herpes--that could be any number of Night of the Living Dead movies. And there's a rip-off of "The Raven" coming up right now as we witness the conclusion of "Ghoulies."

[fading] I just got a note here from my producer to stop calling the midgets "midgets." What do we call em? Dwarves?
Little people? Vertically- challenged? Half-pints? Probably the best one is dwarves. Cause that's what they use when you go to the dwarf-bowling tournaments. You don't ever hear about midget-bowling. You hurl dwarves, not midgets. Hence the politically correct term. Course, there's midget volleyball--but that's much more rare. Hard to find people strong enough to SERVE a midget."

"Ghoulies" Outro

"So all the writhing zombie houseguests live happily ever after. And Charles Band's monster puppets went into a warehouse somewhere, where they were pulled out two years later for the Harry Potter movie "Troll." They're not the exact same puppets, but they're pretty dang close. They're in the same slime family. You'll see what I'm talking about next time we show Troll on "MonsterVision." I don't know when that'll happen, though, because next week we have the Brian DePalma flick you can't show too many times --I'm talking about, of course, Carrie. And we'll be following that with the movie David Lynch made after "Twin Peaks" was on TV, Twin Peaks: Fire Walk with Me, which is actually about what happened BEFORE "Twin Peaks" was on TV."

"Ghoulies" availablity from on video and on DVD

Tonight's host segments continue on Ghoulies 2

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Host segment transcript of 2-27-99 broadcast
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