Dear Football Fan:

With the end of the 2000 pro football season here in Minnesota, we are excited to offer the following items in our annual end-of-the-season closeout sale. Order fast, these items are sure to move!


* 40 pairs of testicles (most are shriveled or not fully developed)

* 40 hearts (like new, many not even used)

* 40 spines (still in the box)

* Two outside linebackers (D. Rudd, E McDaniel ... make offer; 20% discount if both ordered)

* One former All-Pro defensive lineman (J. Randle ... no decent offer refused ... can play tackle or end with equal inefficiency; terrifying face paint included)

* Entire defensive secondary kit ... this all-in-one solution is perfect for college teams finishing in the middle of the BCS standings who want a quick upgrade; pro teams who want a complete defensive secondary taxi squad; or XFL teams looking for slow, confused d-backs to get burned (resulting in high-scoring games, thereby boosting their TV ratings)

* Genuine autographed Denny Green game plan ... great novelty item, always good for some laughs; note: some pages have authentic food stains


Free with each order, your choice of the following:

* David Palmer or Troy Walters bobble-head dolls (actual size) ... these cute little guys make great gifts or dashboard mementos of an actual NFL season

* Wassa Serwanga jersey ... slightly torched by NY Giants Receivers

* Robert Tate poster ... showing #28 in his classic "hands-on-hips because I just gave up six" pose

* Todd Steussie autographed penalty flag ... with all 47 of his holding and illegal motion penalties this year listed on both sides

* Randy Moss mouth guard ... size extra large; not guaranteed to prevent foot in mouth disease.

* Tube of Mitch Berger groin pull ointment

* Classic Cris Carter "first down" pose statuette ... like new (not used since January 7)

* Robert Smith knee cartilage chips

* Miniature Armen Terzian whiskey bottle ... a replica of the bottle tossed from the stands that brained back judge Armen Terzian during the classic Vikings-Cowboys playoff game in the 1970s, after Terzian failed to call Drew Pearson for offensive pass intereference against Nate Wright.. a must-have for any true Vikings fan

To order, call Winter Park, headquarters of the Vikings in Eden Prairie. Red McCombs is standing by to take your order now!

Thank you for you order.

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