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Episode #1 Script |
(DIRECTOR runs up to JIMMY's room, and knocks on JIMMY's door and
enters)
DIRECTOR: Hey Jimmy.
JIMMY: Hey director-man. What's up?
DIRECTOR: (looking around the room) Do you have the script for
the first episode?
JIMMY: Uh, yeah right here. (a little excited, holds up the script,
which is a good half-inch thick) It's a real piece of work isn't
it? My mom said she had a hell of a time trying to stick this thing
on her fridge.
DIRECTOR: (suddenly)It's crap, Jimmy.
JIMMY: What?
DIRECTOR: The script. We're scrapping the whole thing.
JIMMY: But, I wrote most of this. It's creative genius!
DIRECTOR: I know, Jimmy, but a lot of it would just take too much
time to do. We have to simplify. And a lot of it needs to be done
in the studeo, but the studio just doesn't work. Without a budget to
redecorate it, everything we do will look like Betty's Coffee Corner.
JIMMY: But I likeBetty's Coffee Corner...
DIRECTOR: Listen, I'll make you a deal. You scrap the old script,
and... (thinking) I'll make you host.
JIMMY: What?
CAMERAMAN: (swinging camera to look at DIRECTOR) What?
(to DIRECTOR) Are you sure about this?
DIRECTOR: If it doesn't work out, I'll tell him I meant only for
this episode. So what do you say, Jimmy?
JIMMY: No, not me! I couldn't!
DIRECTOR: Why not?
JIMMY: I couldn't get in front of a camera knowing all those,
hundreds, maybe... dozens of people... would be watching...
(swallows) watching ME...
DIRECTOR: No Jimmy, not just people... FANS!
JIMMY: Fans?
DIRECTOR: Yeah! Fans, Jimmy! Fans of YOU! YOUR fans!
JIMMY: My fans?
DIRECTOR: Picture it! Jimmy Crane, TV show host! The
BIGGEST MAN ON CAMPUS! Watched and adored by all!
JIMMY: Biggest Man...?
DIRECTOR: Think about it Jimmy! You could be a star!
JIMMY: Me? A star!
DIRECTOR: Will you do it Jimmy? Do you wanna be a star?
JIMMY: YES! I'll do it! I'll do it!
(fade to Jimmy, as he goes around town getting a makeover, grooming himself to become a TV star. When he returns to the studio, though, he looks pretty much the same)
JIMMY: Ladies and Gentlemen! I'm your host, Jimmy Crane, and welcome to the show!
NOTE: FROM HERE TO THE END OF THE SEGMENT IS A SUGGESTION ONLY. Jimmy has just as big a scene here as he did in host segment #1, but the difference is his "job" as host is far smaller. If Jimmy really is going to follow the original idea of being a gomer, then the director wouldn't let him do a 250 word monologue. This also introduces some elements of plot, and it could be a continuing element where Jimmy is always trying to get a bigger part in the show (not realizing that he's already on camera a lot). That's my suggestion.
DIRECTOR: Okay, cut. That's great Jimmy. You're done.
(cut Kermit the Frog walking down the street, goovin' to his theme
song. Finally he stops, pulls out a cigarette, and puts it in his
mouth. Then he looks up to the side and snaps his finger. KIM bends
down and lights Kermit's cigarette for him. Kermit takes a drag, and
exhales slowly, nodding with contentment)
(cut to KIM's room, where she and Kermit are watching TV)
Copyright ©1998 Superstitious Weasel Productions
JIMMY: What? That's it? But I had this big opening monologue!
(reads) "Hello, out there in TV land. What you are about to
experience is something completely revolutionary to this university,
and possibly even the world. If the journey of a thousand miles begins
with a single step, then we are buying a bus ticket. It is time to
step up to the plate, jump off the bungee tower, and boldly go where
no one has gone before." This stuff is great! It's cutting edge!
DIRECTOR: Jimmy, you're the host, the warm-up band, not the headliner.
JIMMY: Well then what the hell good is being the host?
DIRECTOR: (trying to make it sound good) As the host, it's
kinda like this is your show. When people think of the show, they'll
think of you.
CAMERAMAN: (swinging camera to look at DIRECTOR) What?
(to DIRECTOR) Are you sure about this? (DIRECTOR shoves
camera pack in Jimmy's direction)
DIRECTOR: And you get the most important line in the whole show.
Come on. Try it again.
JIMMY: (unenthusiastically) Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to
the show?
DIRECTOR: Yeah, here, one more time. Make the most of it!
JIMMY: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the show?
DIRECTOR: Terrific. You're a star. I knew you had it in you.
JIMMY: But - (cuts to next segment)
CHARACTERS: 4 or 5 ACTORS, PASSER-BY
LOCATION: Mirror Lake
The camera fades in on the sign that reads "Swans are wild animals, and as
such, are unpredicable. Approach with caution", and then pans across to show
a sign that reads "Actors are wild animals, and as such, are unpredicable.
Approach with caution." People are walking by, ignoring the group of ACTORS
who are standing in front of the sign. a PASSER-BY looks at the group and
lingers too long. The ACTORS look up, seeing an audience, and they break
into Shakespearean silliloquies (probably "To be or not to be", "What light
through yonder window breaks" or "Wherefor art thou Romeo?",
"Is this a knife I see before me", one or two others). The PASSER-BY starts
to walk away, but the ACTORS follow her, eventually running in a crowd
after the fleeing PASSER-BY, who runs off into the distance, followed by
Shakespeare-on-the-run.
CHARACTERS: REPORTER, WARREN
LOCATION: ?
REPORTER: Hi, and welcome to the weekly poll. I'm [some name] and
we're here at the college where right at this very moment hundreds
of students are working hard despite their hangovers to earn that
university degree. As we all know, a university education has
absolutely no practical value in the real world, and contrary to what
our prefessors tell us, you CAN'T get a job with your history,
English, or psychology degree. Of course the the professors try to
convince us otherwise; they HAVE jobs, and it's through suckering
people like us into their programs that they stay emploeyd.
Unfortunately, the sad reality is that we'll all go from being on
stage at graduation, to first in line at the unemployment office
faster than it takes to fall asleep in philosophy class.
So this week's question is: after finishing university, which
technical institute are you going to so that you can actually get
a job?
Let's see if we can find someone who'll talk to us. (REPORTER
looks around, sees WARREN walk by) Excuse me? (WARREN
stops) Hello, we're doing our weekly poll and this week's
question is: after finishing university, which
technical institute are you going to so that you can actually get
a job?
WARREN: (lying from here on, but he is convincing) Uh, I
already have a job.
REPORTER: Really? You do?
WARREN: Uh, yeah.
REPORTER: Like, something you'll do as a career.
WARREN: Yeah, sure.
REPORTER: Well, could you tell us what kind of job it is?
WARREN: Let's just say it's an on-campus job.
REPORTER: Oh so you work for the university.
WARREN: Not quite.
REPORTER: What kind of a job is it then?
WARREN: (looking at the camera) Uh, is this thing on? I really
don't think I should say. Is anybody going to see this?
REPORTER: Oh, no, I assure you, nobody's watching. Hardly anyone
knows we're even on the air.
WARREN: Oh, well, I, uh, (looks both ways) I write essays for
people.
REPORTER: What, for them to hand in?
WARREN: What the hell else is an essay for?
REPORTER: Hey, you could get EXPELLED for that!
WARREN: (gesturing to REPORTER to be quiet while looking around
to see if anyone heard) Yeah, yeah, only if you get caught. And
I don't because my essays are so convincing, you professor will
never know the difference. I guarantee, or your money back.
REPORTER: So, uh, what kind of essays do you do? History, English,
sociology...?
WARREN: All of them.
REPORTER: What?
WARREN: Sure. Warren Pinsent's Essay Express, for all 100, 200, 300,
and 400 level courses.
REPORTER: Wait a minute. Warren Pinsent? You were in one of
my religion classes last term. You never showed up!
WARREN: Well, that's because I didn't need to. I, uh, I'd already
written an essay for someone in that course, so I knew the material.
REPORTER: But didn't you fail it?
WARREN: Yeah... yeah, I did, but you see, that's all part of my plan.
I don't want to let on that I'm, well, the smartest guy on campus,
really.
REPORTER: Oh please.
WARREN: Look, I don't mean to toot my own horn, but... (with a
smirk) toot toot.
REPORTER: So do you fail many courses for that reason?
WARREN: Uh, well most of them, but like I said, it's all -
REPORTER: MOST OF THEM? How are you going to graduate, then? How are
you going to get your degree, Mr. Smartest Guy On Campus?
WARREN: Hey, you said it yourself, that degree's not worth anything
anyway, so who cares!
CHARACTERS: MARTIN, FRIEND, BARTENDER, KIM (MARTIN's ex-girlfriend),
KERMIT THE FROG
LOCATION: a bar, a street, KIM's place
(opens in a bar, on MARTIN, who's drinking a
drink and is surrounded by empty ones)
MARTIN: (to bartender) Uh, could I've another one?
BARTENDER: You sure you can handle another?
MARTIN: I don't know, but I need it.
BARTENDER: Okay...
FRIEND: (walks over)Hey man! How you doing? (sees all the
empty drinks) Oh, man, you throwing yourself a party over here?
MARTIN: Leave me alone. I'm not in the mood.
FRIEND: What's wrong? Your girlfriend leave you or
somethin'?
MARTIN: As a matter of fact (takes a drink), yes.
FRIEND: Whoa man, that's rough. Hadn't you two been together for a
while?
MARTIN: A year and a half.
FRIEND: What, she just wasn't 'satisfied' or what?
MARTIN: If you MUST know (takes a drink), she left me for
another guy.
FRIEND: Ohh! Ouch! Oh, that hurts. That's always painful.
Humiliating. I don't blame ya, man. Nothin' rips out a guy's ego
(acting it out) and tapdances all over it like his girl
leavin' him for another -
MARTIN: YOU DON'T KNOW THE HALF OF IT! (friend stops tapdancing,
camera zooms in on MARTIN) The worst thing is... who she left me
for.
KERMIT: Hey honey, do you have any beer?
KIM: Sorry, Kermit. We're not allowed to have alcohol on campus.
KERMIT: I know, but that's never stopped me. You just have to hide
it... and have an honest face. (looks up at Kim) Don't I have
an honest face?
KIM: The most. (kisses him)
KERMIT: (sits for a moment, thinking about how honest his face is)
That's okay. Not having any beer. I'm giving it up, anyway.
KIM: Really? Oh, Kermit, I'm so glad to here you say that! (hugs
him) You know, I didn't want to mention it, but, well, you do
drink too much. And you become a whole different frog when you're
drunk. You start yelling and swearing, and you try to pick fights
with guys four times your size, maybe five, and you flirt with every
girl in the room. Kermit, it just, (getting emotional) it just
drives me crazy when to see you like that. I didn't know how much
longer I could take it. (pauses to compose herself) I thought,
well, I thought that maybe you were too blind, or stupid to realize
it, but now you have, and oh Kermit, I'm so happy to hear you're
quitting. (kisses him again, but now Kermit is frowning, or the
closest thing to frowning that we can get)
KERMIT: (flatly) I was only kidding.
KIM: What? About what?
KERMIT: About giving up drinking! (sounding a little angrier)
I was trying out my honest face.
KIM: Oh, Kermit... so you're not...
KERMIT: No! Of course not! Look! I got a beer right here! (pulls
it out from behind his back) I was kidding! (pauses)
And suddenly you drop this bomb on me. You wanna break up with me
because of my drinking! (pause) And you think I'm stupid!
KIM: No Kermit, that's not what-
KERMIT: Shut up! (slouches, brooding, then takes a drink of his
beer. Kim looks at him, madly thinking)
KIM: (suddenly, trying to smile) Ha! I got you!
KERMIT: What?
KIM: Everything I said... I was kidding, too! Seeing how honest of a
face I have! (long pause as Kermit contemplates this. after
a very tense moment, they both burst out in (phoney) laughter)
KERMIT: Oh, you really had me going there.
KIM: I sure did.
KERMIT: But don't ever do it again.
KIM: Oh, I wouldn't dream of it.
KERMIT: You want some beer?
KIM: Oh, no thanks. You go ahead. (Kermit takes a drink, and sits
back once again content)
