Poems and such...
East Paris Central
The more I think about thinking
the more I wish I never started thinking to begin with
but the more I think about it
the more I can never get back to the way it was
the way I want it to be
If it is love you want from me
it is love you'll get from me
but I'll have to warn you
it doesn't come so easily
Through the maelstrom of intense sorrow
comes a fiercely bitter pessimist
From the halcyon of blissful hope
comes an eager to please optimist
These contradictions breed confusion
these contradictions make me sick
I lose my heart in oblivion
out there to the stubborn and thick
Now if I jump before I look
I'll be lost in a room with no doors
but maybe that is what I need
to think less and to feel more
-Josh Smith
The Non-Poem
Sometimes the self actualization process goes so far that the you
you once knew is gone, panicked, ran away. You try to create the same
you, a better you, and a you that will prevent the conjured problems
you think you had from happening again. No one knows who they are and
thats what scares them. Some people ignore it, never realize it in the
first place, or dwell on it so much even though they can't do anything
about it. The new you that you try to create is, even though you adamantly
profess your individualism and inability to be impressioned, very easily
swayed to a popular belief. He seeks out what he wants, feels guilty about
it, but unconsciously and deviously arranges for his own fulfillment.
He regresses into himself but asks for more than he ever has.
The easiest solution to an everyday situation evades me regularly.
I am you. I can't help but realize that no matter how hard I try or want to,
I will never be able to control myself,control my emotions, or understand how
to be the stable me again.
-Josh (yep, me again)
Spontaneity
the way the light from the snow reflects off of your face
and the curiosity in your eyes when I have something in store
and the complete feeling I get when I hug you so tight,
it seems I've become a part of you
the way I'd like to feel forever
a kiss, a kiss, hold it just long enough to draw her back,
back to the vision you have in your head,
when you lose yourself in the aura of her sweetness
its like the sparkle on the last dance,
when her glowing heart is in your hands and she truly trusts you with it.
Then the twinge in her body when you kiss her neck sweetly
a peculiarity, a little thing in life,
so short yet so significant
short like the running of your hand through her soft hair
finding your way back to herself,
following the oil-like swirls in her dress into the blue of the clouds in your head.
NEW HERE
What is it that makes me just not quite?
almost perfect for her...
almost perfect
Trying so hard can only reach a certain point
the point that I cannot exceed
If it was a wrong step along the way,
something silly and juvenile
maybe I'd understand
but thats all behind me now
not part of the equation
Am I too something?
Was I never close?
I KNOW I deserve it!
I KNOW she had those thoughts
my thoughts...
thoughts
I rush to try to have a connection
someone to hold, to trust, to love
because I know no other happiness
she's my happiness...
music is the raft that keeps me afloat
but SHE is the island of many
island of many...
that will end my suffering.
Pandora's Heart-Shaped Box
On the surface is a wonderful sight
better than I probably deserve
Everything seems to be perfectly right
Except for the obvious reserve
I do not know if this is love
I do know it's better than ever
But the longer I wait, that little dove
Is flying farther away forever
If it is her that I will be with
Why must there be this drama?
Or is that what it means in myth
Infatuation overflowing like lava
The problem,it seems, lies only in me
At least to the casual belligerent
The mistake I see in so many teens
Is it possible this makes no difference
Maybe I'm wrong, I know I'm stubborn
Do my morals really matter at all
When the most omnipresent concern
I throw away with gall
Now as I peek into this box
I see what I want things to be
To finally make our little talks
Let her speak true and free
So many situations I could list
That I'd rather be in than this
But I'm sure that in taking this risk
I will gain more than just the usual kiss
I just wish she would let herself confide
And put away her habits lock and key
But to me, the most important side
Is for her to let me make her happy
For That Which Was Not
For the days I saw you as,
the best thing there ever was.
For the times we left behind,
a line drawn in the sand.
For the things you said to me
when you thought the opposite
for the feelings you said you had
to keep yourself from losing.
Don't forget the places where,
we both exchanged glances.
Don't forget the things I said,
because I knew I liked you.
Don't forget the fact that
no matter how far away
don't forget no matter what
you're still the same to me.
I remember everything that you,
used to say and do.
I remember summer nights,
up on the phone till 2.
I remember every single one
of those beautiful smiles
I remember them everyday
because they made me smile too.
The Myth Of Living
Now If I die before I wake,
perhaps the morgue, my corpse, will take
My "soul" indeed will go right with it
not to "heaven", just to shit.
What do I care if I am burned
Or after death even yearned
Because the blatant fact remains
after death we are just stains
Why won't they just listen and learn,
All you have in life is what you earn
Not to take to a cushy afterlife
But while you live, your kids, your wife
Everyone, all will die the same
Even killers die with no shame
Its the higher ground you take while LIVING
That makes your life worth all that giving
The morals we seek to map behavior
are simply anti-human nature
so why can't we congratulate ourselves?
and not credit a myth that keeps us from "hell"
Everything must not have a beginning
and given this, impossible is the ending
So how can there be this instant in time
where it all came to the beat of "his" chime?
We are insignificant, yes
but not paling in comparison to "jeezis"
More to the vast randomness of infinity
Where it all is what it should AND should not be.
How can one close this continuity?
It can't be done as you can see
Without a close there is no open
Think of life as your ONLY token.
Flukes of Genius
like the stroke of a paintbrush
on an struggling artists canvas
I paint the world my own unique color...
Red for the love that through time,
has screwed me over and made me loner
Green for the intrigue that hopefully
will allow me to enjoy the company of others
Yellow for the fear of everything that does not
fit into my definition of everything
Blue for the desire and warmth that evades
my eyes but remains in my heart
like a professional's masterpiece
only the right combination will work
now if only they could see mine...
CG, but from many other points of view
alcohol ruins everything...
alcohol makes me cry...
why must it try...
to ruin everything...
I'll take it all on...
for you I would...
take whatever it is...
that makes you that way...
please stop caring...
about whether I care...
its not as important...
as you being there...
I've got plenty of room...
for you to fill...
but you fill it up...
with emptiness...
it makes a difference...
to affect me...
not many things do that...
so now do you see?
why do you do it?
how am I so different?
from you I am...
so very confused...
do you mean it ...
when you say...
you meant it...
when you said it?
don't make me feel...
my trust is wasted...
in the empty...
green beer bottle...
Full Circle
Distant call,
to the next time zone
wish I could fall,
from being alone
would it be wrong,
to ask of you
bring back it all
because I'm screwed
Sinking fast,
into regret
while you should be
nearly set
why should I try
to bring you down
from the clouds
and to the ground
Thinking happily,
of proximity
I was spoiled
but didn't see
advantage lost
to keep anything going
a spark misplaced
to have nothing showing
Wishing now,
to have come before
if you were the beach
I was the shore
always creeping
closer to you
not staying long enough
to deserve it anew
Rips Me Apart
frustratable, unconstrainable, depressable, confusable...
UNable to find the FUCKING word that describes why I am now
UNable to be with the one who I've invested so much in because they are
UNable to see that we can't stand to be apart and need to be together
I REFUSE to believe that nothing can be done to make it better again
how can they say that taking the best thing away will heal her wounds
how can it be that I have no control over something that I love so much
how will I ever get a hold of myself if the center of my universe is gone
YOU WILL NOT TAKE AWAY MY HAPPINESS
EVERYTHING WAS FINE UNTIL YOU DIRECTED THIS
YOU WILL NOT TAKE AWAY MY HAPPINESS
I can't help but be codependent...I love her
Wouldn't You Like To Know
If you lay the pieces found
and put them all together
how many times around
would it take to learn the weather?
The picture makes a face
puts focus into view
this old familiar place
has been travelled again by you
the source it is not cryptic
takes only yes or no
you want to seem eclectic
just to make a show
answer only questions
ask no more than that
don't you watch the captions
when lost is where you're at
Brutality All Over Me
pushing me back on my ass
expecting me not to retaliate
I don't know what to do
again you've feigned the drama
you'd make a better door than a window
but you're a brick wall
no matter which direction I'm facing
I will always smash back into you
I know I can't forget you that quick
you must be feeling similar
so naturally when you push me
I'll be pushing harder
anytime you snap judge that I'm done
Its just a reflex reaction
I understand...I think I feel like you
I feel really bad, and hurt, and heartbroken, and lonely, and sad, and longing...to go wherever you'll take me again
Collector
she does not want to keep
what she earned
all your good intentions
they are burned
scours the pan of his heart
every last piece of lint
every last remnant of love
she doesnt think about it
as she stores it away in her box
this is a box of romantic power
it is not to be felt
it is thus to be compiled
until it means nothing
she freezes boys in time
just to make a list
of all the pointless conquests
that mean nothing to her
the boys cannot move on
the boys cannot love another
they don't forget the pain
they don't discard in vain
they remain in her box
only to see the light again
when she feels like opening her mind
If It Happens Again...
If I've fallen once,
I've fallen a million times
but just this once
one more time can't hurt
one more time for no one
no one other than me
you're gonna have to come
come to me this time
If I can draw you in
I can keep you in
If I can keep you in
you're at my disposal
what do you expect?
expect what you've done
done it again to me
expect the opposite
If you can find me
hidden in disgust
you still can't mold
a car covered in rust
toys are meant
we were meant to be
you are now
to be played with
see through clear
eyes devoid of warmth
like extinguished flames
in a burned down cabin
this is the purpose
purposeless ugly being
to become what you've made
If it happens again...
Fuck You, I Didn't Do Anything Wrong
You have a problem
overreact on a whim
panic if you feel
you don't have control
Well, I've news for you
you don't have control
over me you will not
suppress me unreasonably
This is a time in which
you might want to think
about the futile affect
your words are beginning to have
The conversation ends with me
you don't have the choice
to end it when I have
a perfectly sensible excuse
The Stigma Of Her
the adrenaline pumping
like my heart into hers
the suspense of discovery
like a cat, she purrs
the exhilaration of joy
to be just unsure
makes me feel a-part
of the action that we were.
Read The Directions
Here's what I'll do
if you want me to
who cares what you
want nothing new
I'll give you directions
to do my mentions
be my extension
fuel my ascension
I've tried to find
those who can bind
with their craft just fine
but I've run out of time
All I've left is to use
players in ruse
who only read cues
to pay MY dues
More Than Words Can Say
more than words
I want to feel
comfort with you
up till the end
a year like this
would secure it all
but as for now
don't let me fall
you can forget
If I can forget
just let me have
these last two days
to show you how
to let you know
to let it work
like it always has
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