may 18th, 2000--smacked again...

I wrote "why" on a piece of paper.. it was, after all, everything I was feeling and everything i wanted to say.
I walked up to William's door and rang the bell.
His mother answered and stared at me with a look of pure hatred... I wonder why she could hate me so much... ever since that night she caught me kissing William in his room... that was a night that would never be let go.
She grabbed me from my position on the floor, next to her dear, innocent son, and threw me down the stairs and out of her home.
William's dad just watched, I saw sympathy in his eyes. I know who runs that family. Of course I said I fell off my skateboard. What else could I do?

"What do you want with us?" his mom practically spit on me...
"Is William at home?" I asked. I could hear him in the backround... he came out to see what his mother was getting so worked up over. He looked at me and I could have died right then.
His long black hair had been cut to his ears, his dark black eyes were frosted over with indifference, his ears lacked the metal hoops I had remembered.

Then his 'girlfriend' came out behind him.
"Oh my god, you didn't tell me you knew Taylor Hanson!" she squeaked.
I knew that I had found that one girl, sitting on her frilly bed...
"William's busy," his mother frowned.. but she didn't try to make me leave. I guess she figured that we couldn't 'do' anything with this girl around. "Try not to stay long Jordan."

William came outside with 'Darcy'.. her name is Darcy... :0(
I gave him the note and then she started asking the questions.... you know which ones....
1. Are you going to do a show here?
2. Do you 3 really get along?
3. Do any of you really have girlfriends?

The last one made me cringe. I asked William to take a walk with me... just for a minute. He agreed... and Darcy went back inside.

I couldn't speak, my eyes watered and my knees failed me. Before we got to the end of the driveway, I had collapsed onto the ground. I cried, for the first time, I honestly cried. William looked down at me.
"Taylor, I've changed..."
"No... don't give me that crap."
"Look at her, she's everything any guy could possilby want, my parents love me, I'm getting decent grades.. even going out for football next year... We had our fun, I acknowledge that, but..."

That's all I let him say... before I walked away... I couldn't see him anymore, not through my eyes, not through my heart.. not like it had been. He broke me, and now he no longer existed.
I walked home... I walked upstairs... I sat on my bed... and now I'm writing this.

and now i'm stopping,
Taylür

may 20, 2000--extra extra

Even Zac’s being extra nice to me today. They don’t know.. they can’t know what’s going on.
Sara’s been emailing me twice a day trying to cheer me up... with forwards and surveys. She’s in Europe again with her stupid band... I know she needs to be there with them, they’re going to be so great, but I really need her here with me. There’s nothing I can do to make any of this any better.
William was really all I had.
But whatever...

-Tayles (been a while since I’ve gone by that name, not since the teeny’s started using it every 5 seconds... like they knew me, like we were friends...)

may may maybe i’ll just die--30, 2000

Tuesday.... feels like Friday... smells like Monday. There’s nothing here for me.
Sara said I sounded better.. we talked on the phone. I acted happy for her, I know She knew I was faking, but she played along too.
Maybe we’ll both fall madly into denial.

--T

June 2, 2000--dream

Nothing could compare to the happiness I had in my dream. It was just a feeling, nothing really happened except this voice... of some girl I’d never met before, came to me and said everything would work out and I’d eventually see this happiness realized in the waking world.
That’s enough to make me smile. (Just a little)
But it’s still just a dream.

June 3, 2000--baby you can drive my car

In better humor.... and in a van. And driving down a street... and going somewhere to do something. Looking out the window... see stores, people... bored out of my mind... stopped at red light... Zac’s poking my arm....
He wanted a sip of my water... I obliged him..

--TayLor