may8th, 2000--sara.. sweet sweet sara

She came to me... I can't believe she took two days off of her vacation to visit me here in hell (NYC).
She knows about my problems... my family... my being dumped by the only person I've every really loved.....
She's my best friend...
She told me that William is dating some girl from his school...
"Just wanted to fit in with his parents, I guess..." That's what she said.
She doesn't fully understand my loss.

an introspective,
Jordan Taylor Hanson

may 9th, 2000

Sara suggested a new me. A new (out)look... something new to get my mind off of everything.
Sara woke up early with me to go to the Rosie Show.. I don't think I could have faked my happiness if she wasn't there...
I'll need her for TRL as well... but that's at 3:30... and it' s only noon.

I wish I remember all of the dialogue between Sara and I.

"Taylor, it's fine... he still loves you. He's just stuck in a shitty situation and can't find any other way out."
"Ok..." I didn't feel like replying. We had this conversation backstage before we had to go out to perform on rosie, and I didn't want my family to hear.
"C'mon, I'm sure he feels just as fucked over as you do... I mean, look what his parents made him do." She poked at my leg... I don't remember what I said to that. but then she said something else.. I still don't know if it was profound or just extremely stupid. "And Taylor Hanson smiled... he lit up the room." She brushed my hair away from my eyes and I noticed Zac and Ike staring at me smiling. "Somewhere in some city sitting on her frilly bed - some girl is wondering what he's doing right now."
I looked at her and smiled....
Damned if I remember what we said after that. But it was ok. I felt better. Just thinking of that stupid girl wondering about me... being more pathetic than i am... made me almost feel alive.
But this pounding in my lungs is still there.
And now my family thinks that Sara and I are an item.

complexity,
Taylor

may 14, 2000--untitled entry

Two months 17 and I feel like I could tame the most wild animal with my eyes.

may 15th, 2000--zac..

Zac walked past me... said something about watching a movie... didn't pay attention to him. He said something about Sara... I said something about him sucking his own dick. He smacked my face.
Still don't know what the fuck I did.

stinging,
Taylor

may 16th, 2000--untitled entry

Tulsa for a week... relief.
I've been trying to perfect this letter to William. I'm going to march right up to his front porch and hand it to him.
This is what I have so far:

Why?

Isn't that good?

at a loss for words (for once),
T.