Thoughts continued...

More thoughts...

Tuesday, August 14, 2001, 10:32 am
WOW! IMA HOME! ahhhhhhhh..this is my dream...ima sooo happeee right now, words cannot describe. i don't even mind having to clean before Cat gets here...I'd rather do that in this nice AC environment than be in Korea...it's funnee how i remember being miserable, but now that Ima home, i don't really remember how bad it was. THAT is how i ended up goin back this summer even tho i was just there last summer. I didn't remember how awful it was! hehe...ima so thankful to be home. Finally see my rents, good ol AC, good ol house...get to see Cat in a few hours. YAY! THIS is how i wanna live my life...not in Korea. wow...definitely no korea. hehe..ahhh..so happee. okies i gotsta go clean up and do visa stuff beofre i go to the airport. Thank you GOD! MUAH! :P

Someone in my family group said something interesting today...we were sharing words of wisdom that either we knew or had heard before, and he said that knowledge can overcome any feeling. basically that if u feel a certain way, you can change that feeling by knowledge. i dunno if i agree with that statement...im sure it was due to something that applied to him at that moment in time, but i don't know...it's gosh darn hard for me to change how i feel by knowledge. sure, i gained lotsa knowledge, but it never changed what my heart said. i always used to frustrate people cuz i listened to my head soooo much, and never really paid equal attn to what my heart was saying. i guess that's good to some extent, but is that ever gunna let me be happee? cuz in the end, it IS my life. Someone else's advice was to live up to your own expectations, and not anyone elses. But what if i dunno what my own expectations are? And isn't it important to please your parents too? Or no? I mean, they DID raise me and they DO care about me..I know that they just want the best for me, but can't they go about it in a diff way? I think it's super hard to control your emotions. otherwise i woulda saved myself a lot of familial problems a long time ago. Sigh...whenever something is bothering me, i'm sooo the type of person who just needs to get it out and take care of it right then and there. Especially when it comes to emotional stuff. So i wrote it. It made me feel much better afterward. But it scares me too. I think the number one question I have to ask myself is whether or not it's worth it to me. Do I care enuf to stick up for that? The unsureness of my answer is the problem. The feelings? They're definitely there. But after 2 years, i mean, who knows what has changed and what hasn't? Is it really the best thing to do? Maybe I actually can't really be the best person. What if I don't live up to all of those expectations? I guess there's always that possibility...you can't just live your life saying what if things don't work out. you'll never do nething at that rate. Why am I even putting this up on my website for the entire world to see? Mebbe it's my way of asking for advice..cept that I'm prob'ly being vague enuf that nobody really knows what I'm talkin bout. Unless your name is Catherine or Christina Yu. hehe...Or I guess one other person would know what I'm talking about...GOD--PLEASE..a lil bit of help on this one. Anyone is welcome to give me advice on the matter if they know what's goin on...:) Ya know, I wonder if God is trying to talk to me thru people who know what's goin on, but I'm just not listenin..it is definitely the first time that I've ever gotten that perspective before...mebbe that's why God brought yu sistahs into mah life. :P hmm..

Ya know, right when you think u have a grasp on things and life seems to get one notch less confusing, it gets all confusing again. I hate emotions sometimes. Life would be easier without them. But then again, it would be much less interesting at the same time. So which do I prefer? OK ok ..so i really like emotions. they just hurt sometimes. and confusion sux the big fat one. i hate feeling like someone doesn't want to talk to you. how good could that possibly make anyone feel? especially if you really wanna talk to that person....i guess it sux feeling hurt. i've discovered that a lot of anger stems from hurt. everytime i say i'm pissed or angry or i wanan punch the wall (altho i don't actually punch holes) it's always outta some kind of hurt. hurt sux...i hate feeling hurt. very few people in this world have REALLY hurt me...if ur one of them, well then it sux to be you. haha...just kidding.

Why is that I'm so anti-confrontational? Why do i find it so hard to talk about my feelings? Why can't I just be like hey, I love you. Or hey, I'm mad at you. Or hey, so I'm upset that you did that. I just can't..I always keep everything all pent up. How many people in the world have I ACTUALLY had the guts to tell that I loved them? very few...i even have probs tellin that to my family for pete's sake..that's not normal. i dunno what my deal is...I wish I could get over that one of these days..it would save me a lot of inner heartache..

What makes us love newaiz? Is it just human nature? I mean, I know God gives us that love...but is it always right? i mean, love can't be "wrong" necessarily...can it?

What if I'm 60 old and gray and I still haven't found happiness? suck...

I always feel bad that there's nothing I can do to turn back time and erase hurt. I never mean to inflict hurt on people, but I know I have. Whoever I have hurt out there, I'm really sorry...I know how it feels...I remember one nite last year...sometime around like, december 2000 i think...I was sitting in Cat's room on Christina's bed, and suddenly just busted out crying. Sat there bawling. The whole suite came running in wondering what was wrong with me. I felt like a total idiot. But I'll never forget that moment...I felt so bad and sad that I was capable of hurting someone so much...

Man, I'm so lucky that God blessed me with such a good friend...Cat never ceases to amaze me. It's funnee cuz she seems to read my mind and stuff..she's like, yeah, he always knows exactly what u need, but she does too. She always knows who to call, what questions to ask...always lookin out for other ppl. She knew it was just what I needed. I'm such a baby when I'm sick. I get all pissy and emotional. I've been mildly emotional lately newaiz. I start thinkin weird things...for instance...if anyone out there is reading, I have a question...I was thinkin bout this all day. So, ya think it's easier for someone to let go of an old flame or love and not care anymore when that person has fallen in love with someone else in between that time. So for example, say, two people date. Break up. One of them finds someone else and falls in love. The other doesn't. Awhile later, they meet up again...is it easier for the one who has loved someone else in the interim to let go on that old relationship than it is for the other who has never loved anyone else? Who knows...I think about such weird things when i get all emotional..

I never used to have complexes about whether or not people cared...I always used to assume that people had good hearts and cared, but now thanks to a stoopid person whom will remain unnamed, I seem to question whether or not people care about me. Mebbe I just don't really have any certainty about myself anymore. I mean, ok, so I know Cat and Christina care. But mebbe that's just cuz they're here and with me all the time. I can see their care. But what about all those other people? If something were to happen to me, who would really come running?

Oh mah land..that's all I have to say about that CSA Hugs Survey...Talk about feeling bad...

Isn't it scary when you feel like someone knows you inside and out? It's a nice feeling tho...u never have to really say nething or explain...they just know. I guess that takes spending a lot of time together too...

I had ANOTHER weird dream...So, I remember it pretty vividly too. Lee Ok Jah jeebsaneem was at my house with her sister and mom and dad came home and I walked in. They were like, who is this boy here to see you etc etc? i was like uh..i dunno. i go up to my room and there he is sitting there. hahaha...i was like oh mah...what the crow are you doing here? It was pretty funnee. He was all sittin in the dining room, then slips up to my room and is sleeping in there, then starts rolling around on the floor wrapped up in my sheets cuz my dad walks in. One of the more amusing dreams I've had in a long time. keke...I was like wow, he actually came--But then in my head i knew it was a dream at the same time. ya know that feeling? u know it's a dream but ya just keep on dreaming? hoping that it's real. yeah...sux..

OH! so, i decided that i hate how i continue to do this holding on business...i did it all sophomore year and look where it got me--he started dating someone else pretty soon after. Why do I hold onto things when I can see that they're slipping away? So this time, altho it's a mildly different situation, I apparently have all the signs again, but I still continue to hold on. What's my deal? I seem to attract situations that are like hi, can i please get hurt?...

Speaking of hurt, I hate the feeling of inflicting hurt on people. Especially long-term hurt...

When do you stop becoming your parents' child and start becoming ur own person? Should that ever have to be a defined transition? I hate the feeling of not being able to think for myself sometimes..sux to feel like someone who's just following instructions all the time. but they are my parents, so it'd be nice to have some kind of peace sometimes. I wonder why God chose me to have the kind of parents I have. And why he chose Cat and Christina to have their kind of parents. Drastically different. But we still turned out kinda similar. One set of daughters is just much closer to their parents than the other. I wish they would let me think for myself and make my own decisions too instead of being these authoritarians. I'm definitely taking the non-auth approach with my kids when they get older. Give them advice, but ultimately let them make their own decisions. I'll have enuf confidence in how I've raised them to know that they won't completely ruin their lives. I wish my rents could see the same...Funnee how I've been having all these dreams about standing up to my rents lately. I guess it's from playing out so many scenarios in my head about how the conversation would go. Writing that letter to them prob'ly helped my thought process along.

I have had a very blah day...I dunno why. Just haven't felt well...a lot of skool things to think about...a lot of stress about LSAT and law skool and recs and alluv that crap. It's sad how sometimes I feel like we spend so much time wishing time away that we don't appreciate the now and live for the moment. Not a good thing...i need to learn to do that more instead of worrying bout the future. altho worrying about the future is important too...

I asked Cat and Christina today if they thought I would ever grow out of my attraction to ggang paes. haha..Cat gave me this incredulous look and says, "You're 20!" haha..Christina doesn't think so either. She was like, uh, no. You just like guys like that. It's troo..I dunno why. I saw this guy today who wasn't even cute at all, but then he took off his hat and his hair was really korean ggang pae lookin and he started talkin in korean about the LSAT and i was like aww, cute. Mebbe i just get reminded of someone when i see stuff like that. In which case, that'd just mean I'm attracted to guys like that. I just think it's cute...plus i've learned that i really appreciate social skills, and common sense. street smarts. those kinda guys are the kind i want takin care of me in the future...

my half-birthday is today! along with tax day. hehe...i've been tellin Cat for like, 1 week that my half birthday was comin up. too bad it's not as exciting to anyone else. hehe...

It's amazing how smells and scents can bring back such memories of places people and things....same goes for songs...I know exactly where I was and who I was with when I hear certain songs and smell certain colognes...

So I'm in lab again...I told Christina that I think he forgot about me. She sorta agreed. I guess lack of phone calls and lack of showing up repeatedly is supposed to give me a clue or two. I'm not so good at taking hints I guess...

Not much else goin on. The owls are here. Strange to think that I was one of them 3 years ago. I went to the pub last nite with Cat looking for Shervin and it was a weird feeling. The Rice "pub" crowd is really weird. I felt pretty gosh darn outta place that's for sure...There are a lot of little azn owls here...I wonder if they'll end up coming to Rice. Mebbe there are some excited freshmen that will help build up KSA. yeah! hehe...or mebbe not.

It stinx having everyone around me all happee in their respective relationships. Esp when I'm havin so much trouble dealing with mine...well not my relationship since I don't have one, but my...situation. I always have situations.

So I was too super duper busy to write nething in here for awhile. Finally finished my hell week and now I just have a few things left. Nothing too big. Too bad I'm really gunna fail my acco final, but whatever...

So I spent all day thinking just like he told me to, and then of course he doesn't call. As usual...I'm finally thinkin I know what I'm gunna say, but then we didn't get to talk. What if we've both changed?

I'm really thankful for my friendships. I couldn't ask for any better friends than Cat and Christina..they're always there to save me from whatever probs I'm having...So lucky...

I'm not tired at all cuz i took that huge nap in the middle of the day as I was thinking, so I'm like uhh..what do i do? Putz around...They're both with their respective men and I'm putzin around on my website alone...again...as usual...

I'm at work...putzin around...I dunno what to write. Things are pretty much the same as always...Confused. So what else is new? I'm startin to feel really bad about previous situations. I gotta do something to rectify that. I hate to think that I'm the cause of someone's jaded nature toward females forever...

Wow...Graduation already huh? Well, not mine, but it's weird to think that Christina and Anna and all them are graduating! My unnis...sheesh...soon it'll be me. whoa...even weirder. It'll be pretty sad when they're gone next year. I'm so pissed about what happened yesterday. There are some pretty bad people in the world. Soooo pissed. Freaking getting things stolen outta your car in a nice neighborhood in BROAD daylight? Who has the guts to pull that crap. It was within the span of like, 30 minutes too. sigh...I was so excited to give Sun his gift too. =( Wahhhh...sux the big fat one. But oh wellz...Cat's dad is so cute. He's so sweet. Tryin to make me feel all better and stuff. I was super upset. I guess there's a reason why God teaches us these lessons, right? And the color copier at Kinko's was broken so i couldn't finish Christina or Anna's things. =( That sucked too. And we were running late and had to run around the Galleria and wait forever in Tiffanys and Neimans. sigh...so newaiz, there's the story. But before that, I had been having such a good day cuz anthony was so nice and cute and Sun told me I could stay at his place so everything was working out so well. Mebbe GOd's like no..don't be so naive as to think that everyone in the world is nice. It coulda been worse. The car coulda been gone. sigh...so newaiz, i gotta run to dimsum. Graduation lunch!

Happy Mother's Day! Too bad my mom's in LA right now...ya know, one of these days I'll learn not to get my hopes up about things. But I hate the feeling. It sux. Esp since I really wanted to go to Kemah with him and then we went to Kemah. =( Ah wellz...I feel like I should just give up hope sometimes...But then I can't seem to let go of them...

Interesting how a week later I've gotten over things. Or at least tried. I guess I just realized that there's no use holding onto something that's pretty...well hopeless. Too much insecurity and instability. I need more than that. I guess he's not the only one who has grown up huh?

I'm at work...not bad stuff actually. A lot of internet surfing I guess.

I met my "Mr. Perfect." It was so weird. One of those experiences I guess. Cept too bad I have no idea who he is or how to ever see him again. Doesn't that suck? Chicken Jennifer didn't even say anything. I'm such a chicken. But I mean, if he was interested he woulda said something, so it's prob better that I don't go chasing after guys. haha...

Onto more thoughts in Houston...

Back to first Thoughts page

Back Home