More Thoughts of the Summer...

Thursday, June 13, 2002, 4:22 pm
Whoa it's been almost a month. I've been pretty bad about writing in here huh? Sooo...nothing big. Working gets a bit boring..can't seem to find time to study for LSAT. Sigh...can't decide if I should go straight in or take a year or two off...

Too bad "Mr. Perfect" was Mr. Arrogant Dumbhead. haha...I guess things worked out since I will never wonder and now I know he's a cocky one. And definitely not good for me.

On another note...perhaps there is someone who is good for me. We shall see... ;)

I've given up on the past. There's no point. Betrayed and annoyed perhaps, but over it. I'm actually over it. Well..not entirely. But you never really get over those things entirely. Enough so that I can move on with my life without any what ifs. Just not for me...Back to work.

Are guys always confusing? Or mebbe it's me that makes them confusing...

I wonder what makes people always feel the need to make fun of me. I mean, in fun. Not forreal. I've noticed this pattern in general. Is it cuz I react the way I do?

It's weird how you start to wonder different things about yourself and your character and other people as you get older. I feel like I've grown up like, 5 years in the past one year. Then again, I'm still a baby..always need to be taken care of.

I saw a good movie! Shiri was so good. I'm glad I saw it...been wanting to for awhile now. Yay...

I'm really thankful that I decided to do YLC. And that I'm staying in Houston this summer. it's weird how everything has been working out. Things always just seem to fall into place...It's weird how I wasn't even really all that excited about YLC and almost didn't do it, but now I've met such kewl people and am having an awesome summer in Houston...how I almost didn't stay in houston...didn't have a place to live...didn't have a car. Man, God really must love me! hehe...Everytime I meet really kewl ppl like James and Calvin and all those YLC peepz, I'm always afraid that I'm gunna lose them for some reason. Prob my complex about losing best friends...that has a tendency to happen. People leave me...ah wellz...there must be some reason for that...newaiz, back to work..

6:30 pm
Man, I just need to not worry so much. I dunno why I let things get to me all the time. I mean I guess it's good since I get really excited when good things happen, but then that means I get let down really hard when things aren't so good. But whatever...

Ya know, I wish I knew how to hide my emotions. Everyone always says I wear em on my sleeve. i know i do.

I wish I didn't have such a one-track mind. Once I get my heart set on something or start thinkin bout something it's hard to concentrate on other things.

I feel like sometimes, I give off the impression that I can take care of myself and I'm all hard on the outside, but I actually tend to get hurt easily. What's my problem? I don't like that very much...Am I anybody's Barnabus? Is anyone my Barnabus?

I wonder who all really reads this newaiz. I doubt anyone really reads it. I think it's more just a way for me to get thoughts out. Whenever I read anyone elses's page, it always makes me feel better that I'm not the only one who thinks weird things sometimes. Although I think that if anyone actually read this, they would prob be able to figure out exactly why I think certain things and who I'm talking about. I guess that's not so good. Oh well...This has like, taken the place of my real diary. Kinda weird. Altho I guess it's not QUITE as personal as my real one. You still kinda get to know the inner me from this stuff tho huh? Kinda scary stuff eh?? :D keke...

More work...there's really nothing exciting to speak of. It's very weird how Cat and my lives parallel each other sometimes. I wonder if God is trying to tell us something. Mebbe He's like, Jennifer, the same issues Catherine is having are the ones you will have. Or mebbe it's the opposite. Of course I'm rooting for the other side, but that's just my emotions talking...

It's weird how little things can make me smile. I always seem to find the most happiness in little stupid things.

I sometimes wonder if I come across completely different than I feel.

I wonder where I got my love for music from...Was in innate? Did God just decide that I was going to love music? Funnee how Cat was like, you like to get in the car and drive just cuz it gives u an excuse to listen to ur music. So true. It's troo...i look like such a nerd sometimes driving down the road bouncing around in my seat singing and dancing to my songs. hehe...It just makes my day that much better to hear good music. Is that abnormal? Good music gives me chills sometimes...

Is it really possible to roll a buncha the good characteristics of all the different people I've ever cared about into one person? I never thought that was possible before, but now I'm not so sure...

8:59 am
Ya know, my Korean videos come in handy for something. I got to thinking and I was like man. i'm so stupid sometimes. i hate it when u look at yourself and you realize how blind u are to some things. At any rate, i refuse to be Chaelin. Or someone like her...:T Too bad it's really hard to not be like her..:( I dunno why I seem to find myself in situations where that happens. Things will happen when u least expect it. At least according to James. :P hehe...

He's right--I'm lucky to have these new awesome friends. This summer has been really good so far...well, considering. :P keke...whatever doesn't kill u just makes u stronger.

It's weird how insignificant some things seem when tragedies happen. I just figured out who Ali Kemp is--I remember her from HS. sigh...Wanna send out all my prayers and thoughts to her friends and family. Man, that must be so hard. It makes me so sad to think that she used to be such a beautiful and vibrant young girl who had just finished her first year in college. That's such a crucial time. I dunno...I didn't really know her very well since she was a few years younger than me, but she sounds like such a sweet person. I hope you're in a better place now...

On another note, I'm so proud of myself for waking up so early this week to go running. Cat says my legs and stummy have gotten significantly thinner. YES! Man, i'm gunna keep doin this the ENTIRE summer and by the time people see me again..ahhh...so skinny. :P hehe...Well not skinny, just fit. and toned.

Yay! I got an e-mail from my favorite girlie in Japan! Wow..i didn't realize how much I missed my Parisian buddies. :( We were such an awesome lil group. International that's for sure. It's sooo weird how it ended up that way. Korea, Japan, Hong Kong, Turkey, El Salvador, half China... What are the odds? Even weirder that they all live there. Etienne and I are the only American passport holders. hehe...I love all u guys and miss you so much! We need to have a reunion. Can we meet somewhere in the middle of Japan, Hong Kong, El Salvador, Turkey, and America? man u guys are hard to get a hold of for a reunion... :( someday...

I'm pretty excited for YLC this weekend. I think it'll be so much fun. Especially if it's like mentor retreat. hehe..that was pretty fun too. Only this time I'll get to be mentoring to lil HS students. I think that'll be such a neat experience. :P It'll be an...enlightening weekend in other respects as well. :P

I have learned to really appreciate friendships. Those are better than anything else. real friends newaiz...Apparently it's time to go back to the anti-Chaelin way of thinking. I'm such a babo sometimes...Well, mebbe more like all the time. How is it that I was so determined, and then mahl han mahdee haet dah goh...sigh...I guess I was just looking for anything huh? babo dah...jeen jah..

I wonder what makes people like certain things. I always wonder about that for some reason. Cuz it varies so much by different person. Like, even Cat and I who are so much alike in so many ways, are so utterly different about certain likes and dislikes. It's quite weird...

Do I come off as extremely outgoing sometimes? I wonder...I think people think I'm kinda quirky. It's odd cuz I never used to be like that in HS. I used to be a lot a lot a lot less outgoing. I guess mebbe I gained some confidence as I got to college. Good thing I suppose...better than having low self-esteem.

I had the oddest dream about Suzy last nite. I guess u still think about certain things in ur subconscious even if u don't realize it. It was bizarre... i wonder if i'll ever get past that part of senior year...on another note, i haven't been having dreams about the other part of my subconscious that i'm actually conscious of. i wonder what would happen if we ever talked again..i dunno what happened to him...disappeared...again. sheesh...i'm such a babo sometimes.

4:35 pm
Hmm...i hate it when i dunno exactly what it is that puts me in a pissy mood, but i'm just in one. one of those days. ya know? undefinable...it could be a multitude of things, but ur just not quite sure what. i much prefer the days where ur happy and smiling but not quite sure what about. =) hehe..those are the best! u smile for no apparent reason. random happy thoughts pop into ur head. that fuzzy feeling in the pit of ur stomach. i know every one of u know exactly what i'm talking bout. =P hehe...mebbe i should just think of those kindsa days when i get in my pissy funks. see, i already feel better! =)

I think this weekend in Dallas will be good for me. I get to spend time with the sis i never get to see, chill with mom. Just us 3 girls. hehe..it's been awhile since we've done that. It'll give me time to chill on my own, get some perspective, get some rest, study some LSAT, talk to my sister, get familial advice...i'm really looking forward to it.

It's funnee how often I have people tell me that I'm so lucky to have a friendship like I do with Catherine. Steve just mentioned it again on the phone. I must say, that is troo. We actually do realize that cuz i'm like man, what did i do before i met her?? Who did i talk to? it always brightens my day when i talk to her--esp when i'm pissy. she always puts up with my crap and protects me. or rather tries...when i'm willing to listen. hehehe...but even when i'm not, she just sits back and lets me figure things out for myself. gotta love a friend like her!!!! =P love ya babe!!

Tu vas me détruire...hehe...pas vraiment. Mais c'est un bon chanson. :P hehe...j'espère que je ne suis pas si stupide. il ne me détruira pas. personne ne peut faire ça. J'ai beaucoup de jah sheen. haha...mix...korench. haha...Même si personne ne croit en moi! :P J'espère que mes hommes peuvent aimer ma "jeje." Elle m'aime beaucoup, mais...ahhh...nous n'avons pas cette problème avec oppa. Sigh...Je ne sais pas dude...Je ne peux pas être avec quelqu'un comme lui, mais...at least il m'aimait. Est-ce qu'il y aura quelqu'un qui n'a pas ces problèmes, qui j'aime, qui m'aime??? Je commence à penser que ce n'est pas possible. Je pense qu'il n'existe pas.

I say stoopid Houston, but to be honest, i was really glad to be back. It felt like I was gone forever. Mebbe cuz I felt like i was missin out on a lot goin on back here. But it was a restful weekend. Mom and I had some good talks. A lot of the things that happened this weekend really made me appreciate Cat and Christina. They're truly blessings...I've never had such loyal friends. :P Always got my back. It's weird how they understand a lot of things that I guess other peepz just don't get...It was odd how I missed Houston. The city itself and the people. I was like aww...the whole crew was there...how sad! But tis okies--there's plenty of time for us to chill. It's so odd how I feel this odd bond to these people. Even the ones I dunno very well. Hmm...Interesting...YLC apparently does weird things to people. keke...

I had such odd dreams this weekend. (odd is apparently my new word. i dunno where it came from) One of em my mom told me she heard me say "Go ask Kong about it" but i dun even remember dreaming about Kong. How weird is that? I was like shuddup, ur kidding right? SHe was like what the...why would I make that up? I dun even know who Kong is! haha...i forgot about that. So strange...and then I had this really odd dream that Calvin turned into Chuck. Bizarre...

I had a good pensive weekend as well. I didn't really do much, but I had a lot of thinking time. And advice. Everything is kewl. but everything is good now. Taking a step back and looking at things from the outside..I really like where I am right now. Everything is really as it should be. :P

Anyone ever get confused about what to think of people? One second you think one thing, the next you think another? I guess that's just human nature. Overly trusting I suppose. Not that it's a bad thing. I get confused about people sometimes. Friendships. Just relationships in general. It's like this weird inner battle sometimes. i know, that sounds really demented. Anyone who doesn't know me and is reading this is prob like uhh...she's a lil on the weird side...keke...das okies. I'm comfortable enuf with myself. :P I might be a bit on the quirky side, but das my appeal! hahaha....jk jk jk. At least that's what Russ says. Aww...speakin of Russ, I realllly need to call him! doh...i haven't talked to him in forever man...such a bad friend jennifer! ok ok! Time to work..

4:27 pm
The day has turned for the better. I dunno y...I just have a better overall feeling than I did before. I always have these unexplainable mood shifts. hehe...

Am I simple-minded? Like, simple-minded the way guys are supposed to be? Steve said that it's usually better if it's the guy who is simple-minded. Cept I think I might be myself. I don't think I'm really all that complicated. Mebbe I am and I just don't realize it. I think I tend to attract more complex-minded guys. haha..I dunno if that's a good or a bad thing. :P

Regardless of whether or not u've been burned, I think it's always good to have a lot of faith in people. I always do. I dunno why. It's just instinctual. Mebbe that's not always a good thing but I just do. Even when everyone else has no faith, I have faith! haha..too bad it takes a lot to break that faith down. And trust me, few people in this world have done it. If you're one of them, I'm very very sorry. :P keke...sounds scary eh?

10:10 pm
Life is interesting sometimes...there's not much to write about cuz I'm perfectly content at the moment. Odd huh? :P I guess it's a good thing...Time to wash up and watch some korean videos before bedtime to get up and go running. I reallly think I was gunna die when I was running today--liftin was pretty grueling too. It's all for a good cause! :P

Is it possible to be TOO honest? I think so...I think there's a time and a place for everything, and sometimes things are better left unsaid. I mean, I always wanna know everything, but sometimes with certain personalities of people, it's better for them not to know details of the past. Ya know? I know people never have bad intentions when they're bein honest tho, so it's all good. But it's always good to be cautious.

Ya know, as I was talkin to Russ, I started to realize how much work it is to be in a relationship. I mean, not "work" per se cuz that just sounds really bad, but it takes a lot of effort on both sides to make it really work. It obviously helps a lot when you really really care about the other person. Duh. Otherwise you shouldn't even be in a relationship. But even then...lookin back on my only really serious relationship, I wonder how much effort I put into it. It was definitely emotionally draining. Altho it never really feels like effort cuz I'm so enamored with the person. hehe...there's that heart head separation that I'm so bad at. :P keke...But especially a relationship that's gunna lead to marriage like Russ and Courtni. It takes a lot of effort. Especially if ur young too. As we were talkin bout relationships for women med students with Tara after lifting class last nite, I got to thinkin bout that too. I'm amazed at med students who have the time to be in serious relationships. Cuz they certainly don't have the time to get married! haha..at least not til like, 30 or something. It all works out cuz I've always wanted to get married earlier than that and law skool is only 3 years and I'm out. hehe...I guess there's a reason why I don't wanna go to med skool. Doesn't fit my goals and personality I suppose...

I wonder why everyone is always so curious about what their future holds. I am one of them. Why not just appreciate and live in the moment? I'm so bad about that. I'm still making efforts...It's definitely important to do that. Who knows what tomorrow will bring...

I love the feeling of contentment. It's such a nice feeling...

Not that I didn't know this before, but I've decided that it's never ever good to go by hearsay. I mean, obviously it's easier than confronting someone directly, but you never really know who to trust til u hear it from the source directly. That is the cause of all kinds of problems. ie: frosh year at Rice. yeah..that sucked. No more of that.

It's odd how someone can be so reminiscent of someone else. Not even things that u can put your finger on, but just odd lil quirks. Ever meet someone and get the feeling that you've seen/met them somewhere before? yeah...that feeling.

I really wonder what happened to him sometimes...

Can too much sleep make your eyes puffy?

It's amazing how much you can accomplish when you put your mind to it. May seem stifling or even smothering, but you can still do it. Convincing enuf to trick even yourself.

Why do girls feel the need to compare? It makes things so petty and unimportant. Who really cares? Guys don't seem to do that crap. Why is there a need for jealousy or comparison anyways? Everyone is different in their own right and some people just like certain qualities or characteristics over others. There's really no need to compare. It's like comparing apples and oranges...

I sometimes feel like I'm constantly being tricked.

I hate making other people feel bad. I would rather sit in my own misery than have other people know. Unfortunately that is not possible with this unmaskable face of mine. Then there are friends like Cat and Christina who will never let me get away with that. :P hehe...they're so awesome. It cracks me up to see their "arms of love" haha...and the Stever. Always the gege to the two lil meimeis who can't seem to take care of themselves. Oh, excuse me, the one meimei who gives off the impression that she can but really can't, and the other who gives off the impression that she can't but really can. haha...we're so silly. i'm such a girl sometimes...

Been one of those dayz. Dunno quite why. I think it's the rain. Funny how God seems to know and always provides dreary weather on my dreary days. haha...The weather tends to affect my mood...

I think too much sleep officially can make your eyes puffy. Or mebbe it's my disturbing dreams of late...

Stevie B. Yeah...U2 Karaoke frosh year. Oh the memories. I remember the oddest things. I wonder if there was any foreshadowing goin on. I'm all into the foreshadowing huh? hahaha...that wretched picture from Seoul Garden.

I hate the feeling of dragging someone somewhere that they don't want to be. It's so awesome when they are there on their own volition. Just cuz they wanna hang out with you. Not cuz they think it'll appease you. ya know?

'There was a time in my life when i opened my eyes and there you were. you were more than a dream, i could reach out and touch you girl, that was long ago. there are some things that i guess i'll never know. when you love someone you gotta learn to let them go. when i dream about you that's when everything's alright. you're in my arms, here next to me forever. when i dream about you, girl you never go away, just close my eyes, wait for my dreams, cuz i still love loving you. how can i get you to see that i'm falling apart since you've been gone? i can never be sure i can never let go, your love is much too strong.'

I wonder who all will be at the softball tournament..That should be interesting...

I really dun like it when people feel the need to make fun of me about things like my driving. Or putting in gas. Or guy choices. Or things like that. I think it's cuz I've been made fun of for those things so much, that they've become sensitive topics. I mean, it's not like I was the only one who was kinda scared to get on the highway for awhile...or who has a guy who wasn't the best choice for them. Why rag on me for it constantly? What's the point of pointing out those things to your friends? It only makes people feel bad. I guess it's all about that "boundaries" thing that Cat and I were talkin bout.

The weather is still nasty out. Still effects my mood...Was in such a blah mood this morning. If you pray hard enuf for God to take emotions away, ya think He'll do it? I guess if it's what He knows is best...I mean, He's the one who puts the emotions there in the first place, right?

Kjohn is so funnee. hehe...Went to dimsum and stuff with him yesterday. He cracks me up. Such a nice guy...Chuck is pretty funnee too. Talked to him online last nite. keke...I'll hafta see him rock climb one of these days. He knows an awful lot about campaign finance. sheesh...:P

It's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved. Senior quote of Jennifer Yu. (can't remember where i heard it...) No matter how many different ways I look at that, I'll hafta agree. No getting around it. You can't ever regret having loved someone. Whatever the circumstances were, the time you spent loving that person outweighs any heartache in the future. Any kind of love...romantic, friendship, familial, filial...it's all love. It's hard to look at it like that immediately, but if you wait awhile...

I was listenin to a song on the way to work this morning talkin bout how time heals all wounds. That's only partially true. I mean, time definitely for sure heals a lot. But some wounds never go away. Some leave scars. But I guess the scar is the remnant of the wound--not really the pain itself. But everyone knows that once you have a scar, it always feels funny when you touch it. For the rest of your life. Same thing...

All these weird thoughts about the past. I guess it's only natural to turn to someone who loves you. Or loved. Who knows. I was reading something someone said yesterday about he disagrees with how everyone always says that past ex's always have a special place for you cuz otherwise you would be with that person instead of whoever ur with now. I don't agree. Obviously there IS some reason why you're with the person you're with now over the person from the past, but that doesn't necessarily mean that the past person isn't still special to you. In some way shape or form. You never really get rid of those "special" feelings. Special doesn't have to mean u still love them, or that you would ever choose to be with them again, but you have to realize that everyone has someone from the past that they still think about. At least occasionally. I asked myself a few months ago if it's easier to give up on an old flame if you have fallen in love with someone else in the interim. In retrospect I think that it is. Simply because you have felt that way about someone else, so you know that it's possible to love again. Right? I don't know firsthand that it's possible. I mean, I know in my head, but as far as listening to your heart...it's harder, right? I thought it was funnee watching Sex and the City the other day cuz I was like hey, I'm not the only one who has this head vs. heart battle! hehe...apparently other women do too. I've been battling the head/heart thing since like, HS. sheesh...The head should always win. Almost always...In my case, the head should win. That'll make me happier in the long run, i think...At least at this point. Mebbe later along down the line as we learn more about relationships and people, and I gain more knowledge and have better judgment about people, then I can start listening to my heart. Til then...

Status quo. What exactly is that? I mean, that's such an all-encompassing word. People are usually too comfortable with the SQ to do much to change it, but there are so many things that entail the SQ. Can you just pick and choose what part of it you wanna keep and what part you don't? Cuz surely there's gotta be something worth changing. That's simple human nature. So when do you make the effort to change the SQ? When you determine that it's worth the time and effort? When it's worth it to you? Or worth it to someone else?

If I reallly put my mind to it, I can do whatever I want. Along with a bit o' help from the Big Guy upstairs, that is. :P It's just a matter of getting my mind focused on it and reallly working. I need to get there.

One of my annoyances is when people smell like syrup. I still have yet to determine if it's cuz they eat pancakes or french toast every morning, or if it's just a certain body odor that smells like syrup. Either way, it's annoying. Can they like, cover it up with perfume or something? Seriously...I can't stand it. I also tend to be sensitive to smells in the morning. In general, but particularly in the morning. One of my old roommates had the most rank smelling perfume of all time. I wanted to shoot myself everytime she sprayed it. And the hair gel. And the dripping coffee. I get mildly grouchy when things like that bug me...

I wonder if all azn people in the world eat pho. i had never even heard of it til I got to Houston. In fact, there are a lot of things I had never heard of food-wise til I came here. I guess mebbe it has something to do with the fact that I lived in KC. haha...mebbe that's it. But I definitely prefer the food I eat now. I think Cat/Christina's influence about food has rubbed off onto me. i never used to get this excited about food.

Sometimes people can talk for hours and hours on end. That would prob be me. Well, given the right rapport newaiz. Take Russ for instance. Man, that boy and I can talk! haha...I guess it just takes a certain person. Not necessarily even people who have a relationship any more than friendship. You shouldn't ever gauge interest based on phone conversations. Good phone conversations happen on completely platonic levels all the time. I, of all people should know that. I'm the queen of talkin on the phone for hours upon hours with people. :P

Catherine is probably the cutest thing of the entire century. She's definitely one of the kewlest people I know. What would I do without that lil scrunch-up-when-she-laughs girl? hahah..in fact, what DID i do before we met? haha...had really crappy friends! oh yeah...i forget that lil piece of info. It's very odd the times that I appreciate our friendship. Jja jahn! haha...so funnee. I wonder if other best friends enjoy each other's company as much as we do. We never ever stop laughing. It's 24/7 a party with the two of us. :P hehe..makes us a lil silly sometimes, eh? i would never wanna see the two of us drunk together. YIKES! ;)

Pump is so awesome! hehehe...such a fun game. Too bad I died on doubles. ah wellz...it's kewl. I'll get there. I dunno why it's so fun. It just is...I've been in love with Pump since Korea. Everyone thinks I'm crazy psycho pump queen. It's so funnee that James and Calvin are so into it. Of all things in the world. I had never met anyone who liked it as much as me cept for mah peepz in Korea. I've apparently become a regular at Dave and Busters. keke...It's pretty fun tho. Chillin...D&B. I think that video games are a kinda azn thing. Every group of asians i hang out with--video games! fun factory, D&B. hehe...

I sorta miss the ol' crew. I wonder what happened to alluv em? outta curiosity...I mean, we had fun..Why else would I always have wanted to hang out with them?

I wonder why I keep having these odd thoughts lately? Cat can read my mind like a book dude. The second I mention who was missing her 21st birthday, she knows immediately who I'm talking about...I guess he missed Christina's graduation too.

OMG...I cannot BELIEVE Meagan is engaged. wow...first Russ, now Meagan. I about fell over. I didn't say nething for like, an entire minute. SHOCK of all shocks. man, why is everyone getting married???! It's a rather odd feeling. When I start reallly getting wedding invitations I'm really gunna be like omg...what is going on? This is ridiculous!

I must make a comment about your ridiculous dance moves and sound effects man...I dunno if u even read my page, but foo~ :D hahaha....U KNOW who you are! For the rest of you, there's this really odd friend I have, and boy he has some moves that will make you laugh. The sound effects are even better. Turn on that Korean pop music, and dude...or Lemontree. I mean, either one works just as well. Prob'ly one of the funnier moves/sounds I have heard in a looong time...in a dorky sorta way... ;P hahaha...aww, ok ok. I'll be nice. Mebbe only mildly dorky. :D

9:29 am
In case anyone wants an update on my life...I figure it's way past due since a lot of my thoughts are incoherent and unintelligible anyways. hehe...Since this is a page of my summer, here's how my summer has been...Lesse...After finals, and graduation where a certain someone didn't show up, things sorta calmed down in the "boy" world. We sorta putzed around thru May...didn't do much. Went out a lot...chilled with Nathan and his friends at Glitter quite a few times...tried to study LSAT...come June, what happened? Oh yeah, YLC mentor retreat. I met all these new people there, and we suddenly started hanging out with them a lot. YLC has this weird like...i dunno. Weird effect. Odd dynamics sometimes. Sensitive. Emotions. NEwaiz, so into the picture came James and Calvin. After a number of weeks/weekends straight of the four of us, YLC actually happened. That was fun stuff...In case anyone is wondering, YLC is a youth leadership conference for HS students and I was one of the mentors. Quite fun actually. WE BE GEEsssss~! :P hehe..that was our cheer. NEwaiz, I met a lot of kewl people at YLC...then I went to Dallas to see my sister for her birthday...came back and we were all full-blown hangin out with YLC people. hehe...So far, it has been an awesome summer, I must say. I need to buckle down a lil more on the LSAT studying, but if I put my mind to it, I know I can do it. 180 baby! haha..yeah right. NEwaiz, I've been working out a lot...running the outer loop in the mornings, Total Body Bar liftin class twice a week after work. Eating a lot of good food since I'm in Houston...going broke cuz we go out so much and I have all these bills to pay. ahhh...stinky poo. but that's all good...all in all, i have very little to complain about. Been able to spend time with my bestest buddies, work, make money, work out, study, play, do a loooooot of pump. hehe...Our new home is D&B where I do pump and play video games. aww yeah! hehe...quite fun stuff. Aside from that...that has basically been my summer. I have a lot to be thankful for! New friends ... experiences ... feelings ... decisions...it's pretty exciting to think about the things that will be changing in my life within the next few years. I'll actually be like...starting out on my own sorta thing...

Steve Toomey was talkin to us about marriage and stuff the other day...pretty funny stuff. The thought of marriage is pretty scary at this point. I guess cuz I don't have a potential spouse! haha..I guess it's not as scary for someone who knows. Like Meagan. She freakin bought a spice rack! haha...learnin to cook??? puh-lease girl! :D haha...

On another note, I've been having to go to the bathroom about a bajillion times a second these days. dunno what my problem is...

He always seems to know. Takes care of me--it's probably a good thing that things turned out the way they did. At least at this point. Later on, mebbe things will change. But for now, I gotta look out for my own best interest and He definitely knows that. Takes care of everything huh? :P

Are you ever gunna show up again? If nothing else, for my 21st birthday...I mean, c'mon... :T

Baby do you miss me? Now that I'm gone...I remember the love we had, how could I forget? I remember the tears I cried, over one regret. Now we're alone. So alone, I can't help thinkin bout you. I'm alone, in the world. And I'm lonely without you. I remember the love we had, not a day goes by. Heaven knows where you are right now, but my heart won't lie. We were in love. So in love...<-- why do they always have to be so depressing? Anything more upbeat??

I'm kinda tired. Even though I shouldn't be. I got like, 7 hrs of sleep. Had some crazy dreams. I was all sad cuz we became really poor for some reason and then Cat came over the day after we had to move into this piece of ddong house and i was all embarrassed and sad. Super depressing...Then i spent the nite at my makeup artist's place for some reason. And her little sister didn't like me or something. Crazy weird stuff...Odd dreams. I'm super itchy...Random, but troo.

I love hearing from my bud Marina. She's such a QT pie. Always makes me smile or puts me in a good mood. Funny how the topic of our e-mails usually center around one very fun and interesting thing. kekeke....I wonder what THAT could be. :P Seems to know what to say to put my mind at ease. In fact, everyone has been saying the same thing, so I've put my mind at ease. Hence, I am happier. Nice feeling.

Scary how certain people remind you of others sometimes. I wonder if it creates the illusion of that person in the other. Obviously they are not the same person because there are very different traits as well...but it puts an element of that person into your perception. Ya know? Scary if you had an odd relationship with the other person.

What exactly defines a character flaw?

The sky isn't always blue. The sun doesn't always shine. It's alright to fall apart sometimes. I am not always you, and you are not always mine. It's alright to fall apart sometimes. After all is said and done. One and one still is one. When we cry when we laugh. I am half, you are half. My heart isn't always true and i am not always fine we all have an angry heart sometimes. <---Gotta love it.

What is it about babies that are so goshdarn cute? You just can't help but love em. I find it super cute when guys play with kids. Altho don't ever let that be a guy-liking gauge. Future reference for any girl~ Funny how guys grow up once a baby enters the picture. Well, typically anyways. Not in all scenarios. But they're such adorable little creatures.

I got another comment about these thoughts on my page. hehehe...I guess I'm doing what I aimed to do if people are actually reading it and commenting. Well, I dunno if that was really my aim from the beginning. It was mainly to get stuff outta my system, but I guess to let other people see it too, and see that they're not the only one who has weird thoughts occasionally. hehe..and to get people to think about things. That's what other thoughts pages have done for me. So shpanx fer reading Michelle! :P

I read a comment about how if you really like someone, you'll wanna tell everyone bout him/her. and if you don't, ur prob unsure about the relationship. good insight into previous relationships of mine huh? hmm...why is everything always so in secret?

I finally snapped out of it and got back into the swing of things. I'm more awake at work, more motivated to do stuff, and as a whole, just not out of it anymore. Man, I went thru the mid-summer blues or something for awhile there...always so tired and lethargic and sad. didn't wanna do nething or see neone. things are back to normal again. :P Mebbe the sun snapped some sense into me. hehe..

I wonder if I'll ever be able to go into the men's section of Neiman Marcus again without my heart pounding out of nervousness that one of the guys there will recognize me and laugh at me. How embarrassing..I still can't believe I did that. The things girls do sometimes... =P

My legs are getting sour after sitting here all morning. They were perfectly fine yesterday. I guess I was never really sitting down for long periods of time. Man..that stinks. After Astroworld they were super sore. It's hard to explain this sour concept. People are always like whaaat? What does that mean? There's some Chinese term for it, but I can't remember it. Ooh...headache. Random...Sudden shooting pains in my left temple. What the crow...?!

My thumbs are still sore from PS2 yesterday. haha...that always happens to me when I play video games for extended periods of time. Meagan's Spiderman game. haha...i wouldn't be very good at that one. Altho DOA2 was fun. hehehe...The best had to be GTA. Grand Theft Auto. Man, I knocked into so many cars. How fun is that? It's more fun to watch tho since I'm so bad at it. Mike and his odd obsession with ambulances. Quite funny. Pressing O a billion times is kinda icky when all that blood comes spewing out. I was like ick...why would you wanna do that to get money? NHL on the other hand, was not so fun. Terence would not have been proud. It was too confusing. All those people movin around and stuff..i couldn't even tell who i was, let alone get the puck into the goal. i was like eh?

People are so weird sometimes. They make even friendship confusing and hard when it's supposed to be such a simple thing.

Just need a break. Starting to doze. Whoa...random thoughts of Aqua di Gio. So odd what that does...Is it necessary to stop hanging out with people who don't like your significant other? I mean, yeah, you have to have a certain degree of loyalty to your significant other, but at the same time, you have the right to hang out with your friends too, right? Granted, if you're trying really hard to make things work with your bf/gf then hanging with people who they don't get along with doesn't make things any easier, but c'mon...it's an odd situation to think about. I've never really had to deal with that kinda situation, but if i did...what would i do? Prob just keep hanging out with my friends. It'd be annoying to some degree, but i don't think that would make me stop hangin out with people. Especially if they're friendships that I value.

There are always a lot of Christinas in my life. I've noticed...how odd. Hager, Robinson, Yu, unmentionable, Yin, I just met a Fu...so weird how common that name is. It gets confusing. Megan too. Megan Mig, Meagan Robinson etc...so many of em. Lots in Elem and middle skool too. Whatever happened to all those people? Jones..Barr...Smith...hmm..i wonder. I wonder what everyone looks like now and if we've matured at all. curious...i'm sure we all have. it'd just be interesting to see~ :P

5:06 pm
Ya know, people always say, if it's meant to happen it'll happen. With anything in life. I mean, I guess that's partially troo...there is a plan for everything...but it's up to you to follow it, right? So how do you determine if something happen cuz it was supposed to or not? But then again, everything happens for a reason. So everything is meant to happen the way it does, right? I'm talking in circles...

Apparently everyone and their moms are coming to our lifting class tonite. haha...this'll be funnee...Tara's gunna be like what the..

Chino's Fast Food isn't bad actually. A lil far out there, but relatively good food. Lollicup runs twice in one day?? hehe...still don't get sick of it! altho i didn't get any the second time, so it's all good. too full. Oh yeah! Goode company too. I had all kinds of good stuff yesterday. hehe..first time at Goode Company. Finally got to spend some time with Victor and Jonathan. They're so awesome. Cutest guys ever...And then ran into V again at lollicup. How weird is that? I really miss hangin out with Victor... :( Then again we'll get to spend plenty of time together with CSA next year. keke...that'll be interesting in and of itself! :P

Some people are really annoying. I mean, I understand jealousy. Trust me, I've felt it before. Many a time. It's only natural to feel jealous. That's not the annoying part. It's the things you think or say about people as a result. There's always gunna be someone in the world who has more than you, but that doesn't mean that they use it to their advantage or do things to prevent other people from getting what they want. I dunno, I just think it's ridiculous to blame people for things like that if you don't even know them. In fact, passing judgment on someone from seeing her walking around is also extremely ridiculous. How can you say stuff like that? So judgmental...How rude is that?! really pisses me off...grr...such hurtful words...malicious. There's no way you can qualify that--some things are just mean. Straight up.

Knowing that you have someone who will come running if you ever need them, is one of the best feelings in the world. A friend like that is hard to come across. A friend who actually really truly cares. Someone can have all kinds of issues, but as long as you know that they really care about you...Altho, can u marry someone like that? Apparently not...So I guess that means that there are other things more important?

Wow, I'm still sore. Today is the last class of the summer! How sad... :T Tomorrow is Austin. yay! I've never been so I'm pretty excited. Finally get to meet the infamous boyz. *ahem* Okies, time to get back to work...

Ooh, by the way, I was just thinkin bout how this is sorta like Sex and the City. haha...just cuz it's so girly. I'm always talkin bout weird girly relationship-type things. haha...Asking questions, talkin bout experiences. I guess it's a girly kinda thing to do. Just pondering this year how it has been an entire year. Sheesh...time flies. Russ was all proud about how it's the longest ever for me. :P hmm...I'm not entirely sure if that's something to be proud of. Just lack of opportunities actually. I think it has been a good thing for me this past year tho. A lot of growth time alone. Altho I guess the entire time wasn't completely alone. Weird circumstances. People who disappear...

Not really much to think about today. Nothing exciting has happened...went out a lot this weekend...i guess it's good since it'll prob be one of the last weekends of the summer that i'll be in Houston. This coming weekend is my last weekend here for the summer. Weird...At least I'm leaving with a bang. Cat's 21st. hehe...I can't believe she's gunna be 21. It's odd to think bout how old we are. I was 17 when I first met her and we came to Rice. odd...I will definitely have to say that a lot has changed!

I tried e-mailing and your freaking account doesn't even exist anymore. Have you really truly disappeared off the face of the earth?! sigh...So many hypotheses about what happened...As usual. How many times has this happened now? Sheesh...I should just stop thinkin...oh, so much easier said than done. grr..

What happens when you have two non-confrontational people? Does one of em have to become confrontational? Is it better to just leave things as they are, or get things out in the open? I mean, sometimes I'm actually just kewl with not saying some things. Especially in certain situations and mindframes. Apparently I'm abnormal in that respect cuz Cat's like uhhh...I can understand different perspectives about certain things, but I don't necessarily feel like my personal decisions are bad ones either. Sometimes some things are just better left unsaid.

I feel like it's more important to spend time doing things with people you care about, as opposed to doing something you really really wanna do with people you don't like as much. Or without people. Cuz ultimately, it's the people and the relationships you remember. Not the activity. You could even go to like, Paris or Rome or any awesome place, for instance, and have a horrible time if you're with people you don't like, or if you're alone. But if you're with people you care about or enjoy spending time with, then it really makes the trip. Company can make or break ur mood or experience. I've learned that. Especially with the people you travel with. You gotta really like the people you travel with. Otherwise you'll get so annoyed with each other sooooo quickly. But even in everyday situations, I'd rather do something that I didn't realllly wanna do, if it's gunna be with people I wanna spend time with cuz the activity itself will become fun and enjoyable cuz of your company. As opposed to mebbe...pump or something. Something i love to do, but doing it alone or with people i don't really care about..that's no fun at all. But mebbe that's just me...Altho I feel like most people agree that you remember the people more than the event...

I have to remember what I said earlier about being able to do whatever you put your mind to. I think I just haven't been good about disciplining myself to study. REALLY need to get into that mindframe. Basically 10 weeks til the LSAT. Once skool starts, it's gunna get hard to balance tho. I'll definitely have a solid week at home of studying, but realllly need to devote my evenings. Especially now that I don't have lifting class anymore. Tonite I promised Charlie, so only a lil time before i go to bed of some games, tomorrow mite be busy, wed is kjohn's bday, but after that man....August 1, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 is going to be devoted to studying when I'm not working. Forrealz. Maybe I won't even go into Steve's office in the afternoons and I'll just go to B&N in the afternoons and REALLY buckle down. Dunno why it's so hard to study in the summer. Every single day, no matter what happens, I'm going to do at least ONE section, or go thru some kind of strategy stuff in my book. Getting ridiculously close and I've only gone thru some of my practice tests. Plus, my score isn't getting any better. doh..i reallllly need to get a good score, or else i can say bye bye to any good law skool. :T grr...

Kinda tired. Funnee how Kjohn and I had just talked about talkin on the phone til u fall asleep, and then last nite I was on the phone basically til i fell asleep. cept i didn't fall asleep on the phone. waaaay past my bedtime dude...it's actually been awhile since i've stayed up kinda late on the phone. i used to do that all the time in HS and at the beginning of college. Apparently I've gotten old or something. hehe...or just haven't really had anyone to talk to for that long. :P Hard to wake up this morning. Didn't wake up in time for jogging. oops...mah bad...das okies. we'll go tomorrow..

I love this song. It's so funnee how I have absolutely no idea what she's saying, but I think it's one of the prettiest songs I've heard in a loooong time. I love this CD in general. So glad I decided to pull it out and start listenin to it again...I wish I knew what she was saying. I think it might be Taiwanese...apparently very few people understand Taiwanese. There are some really funnee-sounding parts in it tho. keke..I guess that goes for any language you dunno...weird sounding words or phrases...one of em really sounds like she's singing poo poo. keke...i highly doubt it, but it's funny. I laugh everytime and Cat's like uhh..weirdo. :P I'm so weird about my music. I find one CD i love, and listen to it non-stop for like, 3 weeks and then i move on. so weird...

SORE! Went rockclimbing with Charlie, Jane, Kjohn and some other people at Texas Rock Gym last nite. I was like omg..this is freakin hard! arms were super duper tired. I was liek, why do people do this for fun again? I don't find it fun at all! seriously..it was tiring and hurt and kinda scary at first. i was like what?! u want me to climb that thing?! no way dude....but it was ok. just not something i would choose to do again. unless a whole group was goin. my own personal choice of what to do? i'll choose karaoke over that any day!!

Kjohn was buggin me about the pageant thing again and was like, u never told us ur talent! etc etc...it made me realize that i really miss playing the violin. My life was sooo devoted to it for so long and then i suddenly just stopped playing. Pretty sad...I should really keep it up. It's been over 3 years since I've really had a violin lesson or nething. how horrid! i loved it so much...just haven't had time. i dunno...i really wanna pick it up again...playing in Campanile really just doesn't cut it. I remember wantin to do a senior recital at Rice but it's been so long since I've really practiced that i dunno if i could pull it off. too many things goin on newaiz. law skool apps...lsat...lny...(why do they all start with L's? weird..) csa...ksa...grades. oh yeah, grades. hahah...

Sometimes I think it's better to not know some things. They say ignorance is bliss, right? I mean...I guess that's not always troo, cuz sometimes it's better to know something so you can prepare yourself ahead of time or know how to change your way of thinking about it. But sometimes...there are just some things you don't need to know. That's what you get for bein nosy sometimes. :P keke...find out info u didn't really care to hear.

Not quite as sore today. Altho I was super tired running this morning. SUPER tired. As Mike would imitate. haha...that was hilarious. Last nite was fun stuff. Kjohn's bday...soaked him with water balloons and super soakers. keke...went to houstons, but 1 hr wait, so went to cheesecake and ended up waiting even longer. grr...but went shopping in the interim. Cat/Chris and their shoes. :P Ate waaaay too much. Felt almost ill. Home and slept. Felt like I was gunna throw up this morning. Such an icky feeling. Feeling better after having ran and showered and everything. Still kinda tired tho. Was in a super weird mood last nite. Cheesecake was fun stuff tho. A good time...Taking out the fact that I put in way too much money for my meal, but whatever. That always seems to happen.

It's funny how you pick and choose your close friends as you get older. Cat and I were discussing how you're friends with everyone when you're younger and in elem/middle school, but then you just can't do that when you get older. You meet way too many people and there are just some weird ones out there. You have to learn to not care about what certain people say and not invest the time and effort into relationships that don't really matter as much. It's more important to have those few really close friendships rather than a million superficial ones. People who you see something in...who are similar to you...who you enjoy spending time with...

Black Hawk Down, mom's yummy food, Two Rows for a few hours, home. That was my after work nite. Work was ok. Ate Canton Seafood with Isaac and Cat for lunch. Fun day...just chillin...hangin out with peepz...saw the entire frosh class of Baylor Med School at Two Rows last nite. So weird. A buncha Rice peepz too. Interesting events...people...thoughts...

Michelle and I were discussing the chain of events in our universes. Some guys can be just as confusing as girls. Then again, in their mind, everything is simple as pie. The more guy-ish way of thinking. Keep it simple. Don't dwell on things. What happens happens. Just go with the flow. :P kekekeke...it makes life less stressful and things much easier. And keeps you from gettin hurt too. I guess that's why I just keep things to myself and don't really talk about em. Makes you think too much, ya know? There's no reason to make it so complicated. Look at things from a guy's perspective and it allll begins to make sense. Right? Plus, things happen for a reason. I'm always bein taken care of, so there's no reason to brood over things. Live life. Don't stress. Enjoy what you have and be thankful. Everything works out in the end. So no stress Michelle! There's hope yet! :P

Some people make me wonder sometimes...

When do people grow up? One of these days...

9:30 am
I REALLY should be doing work, but I had to mention another happy birthday! i'm so excited that i'm actually in town this time. i've never been in town for Cat's birthday before. It's already been a good day! Running...mcdonalds...setting up the office...i'm at work now...not as fun, but still...not bad. :) I'm so excited that she's turning 21! yay! yay!

Is it such a crime to have really good friends and for the rest of the world to know it? I don't understand...what is everyone's perception of friendship anyways? You support your friends. You listen. You give advice. You are there for them. Right? All these older people are always tellin me i should be thankful to have such close friends and i agree. wholeheartedly. life just isn't as fun without those friends to share it with. the friends you really and truly care about. So what's wrong with having really super close friends? It's not like good friends are elitist or anything. Well at least not all of em. keke...they're just people you hang out with a lot and talk to about things...ur there for them and vice versa...

I don't understand anti-social people.

What is the purpose of having a thoughts page? Anyone wanna answer that one? My purpose is simply to let thoughts out..random feelings or things that come to mind...other people can either read it or not. I know that reading other people's pages is fun and let's me get to know them a lil better. Let's me see into someone else's day or mind for a lil bit...get a glimpse of what other people think about things. That's all...opinions... thoughts...concerns...questions...etc. everyone is entitled to at least that, right? talkin bout your daily life or the things u run into as you live life...that's what it's all about. Interesting or boring experiences...they're all experiences worth mentioning. altho a lot of people prob have no idea what i'm talkin bout half the time. shoot, half the time i'm not entirely sure what i'm talkin bout myself! :P

I had all these weird thoughts over the weekend, but now that I'm in front of the computer, I can't seem to think of them.

It always sux when you get your mind set on something and then you have a lapse in judgment and slip back. Frustrating...

Ate dim sum yesterday with the usual crowd...sister, me, Cat, Christina, Calvin, Kjohn, Mike...had a good weekend with my sis...fun stuff. She apparently got along with everyone--altho she was like, your friends are...funny. hahaha...it was a rather abnormal weekend tho. I bet she was like omg..what the crow? haha...fun tho. wild. a bit on the more...wild side than normal. i guess i definitely finished my houston summer with a bang. a big one! :P keke...watched tons of movies yesterday..zoolander, a night at the roxbury, how high...ate tau bay with emmie, anna, mike. went karaoke at Song with the usual crowd again...me, Christina, Michelle, Emmie, Anna, Mike, James, Calvin, Kjohn...that was fun too. :P Karaoke is always fun! My fav thing in the world! so if i had all this fun, why am i in such an odd mood? i think it's just annoyance and frustration at things in general. Mebbe goin home and not having to stress about nething will help. Altho sometimes goin home is stressful in and of itself too. haha...I guess we'll see.

I think I slept on my arm wrong. It really hurts. Weird numb fuzzy pain. The kind you can't do anything about but want to massage away. Speaking of massage...I've always wanted one. I've always wanted to go to the circus too. And Cirque de Soleil.

I think the only thing I've ever liked about Korean guys is their ability to speak Korean. Seriously. I mean, granted, there are things about the "korean guy" personality stereotype that I've always been attracted to, but you can actually find that in other guys too. It's actually almost cuter when someone who isn't Korean tries to learn. Altho it takes awhile for them to understand a lot and communicate. Everything always just sounds cuter in Korean. I think that's why Korean couples tend to speak/write Korean to each other. There are also just some things I dunno how to say in English sometimes. Weird concept huh? Seeing as how it was my first language. But there are just some things you just feel...more than being able to explain in English. But I don't think that's as important as the other issues I've run into with Korean guys. ie: family. sheesh...talk about stressful in-law relations. i don't even wanna go there. u gotta find an americanized korean family, but i don't think those really exist. truthfully. there's such a vast difference between korean and chinese/japanese parents that i've ever met. chinese/japanese parents tend to be more on the americanized side then koreans. i dunno what our problem is. Always tryin to be all traditional! hehe...we just have a shorter history in America than CJ. But seriously, it makes for such better in-law relations. Not like I really know, but I've met a handful of Chinese parents in my time at Rice, and they're much more friendly and open. Not all this "nae nae.." and stressful walkin around on your tiptoes worrying about whether or not your clothes are too revealing and if ur submissive enuf and the whole slew of crap that follows with korean parents. i dunno...Catherine was like uhh..u used to be so gung-ho korean. now i'm like uhh..well, i'm gung-ho Korean...just not sure about the gung-ho Korean guy part. Christina's like whatever! FAMOUS LAST WORDS. (Since that's her favorite phrase of the year~) She says that Korean girls are addicted to Korean guys like they're a drug. haha...there's something about their tough badboy attitude yet softy/gushy inside that Korean girls adore. True. I will have to agree with that one...=P Dunno why.

A friend used to light up when her ex-guy walked into the room but she's not like that with her current guy. Even tho by paper standards (and other standards) the current guy is prob better for her. Same thing happened to me...Just goes to show, you can't control who you care about and where your feelings go. Do storybook romances ever really happen? Not even storybook--just nething similar to the ones in Korean videos. hehe...Seriously tho--are there ever relationships that are like that and end up so happy and lovey? i'm sure there are...Cat's rents are a good example actually...come to think of it...mebbe that's why we all get so into the videos and stay up all nite watchin em. lookin for something like that in our own lives perhaps...who knows?

I was just thinkin bout how I'm surprised at the large group we mobilized at the last minute last nite. Especially on a Sunday nite. It was pretty amazing actually. There was 9 of us! Shocker...It always takes so much effort to get all of us together and doing something, that it surprised me to see so many people come out for this last minute thing. It was super fun tho. Then again, it's always fun hangin out with all them. :)

U gotta love Christina. I was just thinkin bout how she has so much love to go around. Seriously...of all the people in the world, she really cares a lot. She may have high standards of friendship and people, but who's to say that's necessarily a bad thing? Anna was just saying last nite, that's what i love about christina--she's blunt. hehehe...yes. Karaoke last nite? Yes. :O hahaha...At least you always know what she's thinking and how she feels. No mystery there! Plus, when you have Christina as your friend, you have a loyal defender for life.

Whaddya do when your friends don't like the person you like? I mean, I guess it depends on how much you care bout that person. Is it worth it over your friends? Does it mean you won't get to spend time with your friends and your sig other at the same time? Cuz that sux...I have a big thing with my guy gettin along with my friends so we can all hang out together and stuff. Hugely important...even if you're not in the same circle of friends, you should always make the efforts to be friendly with his/her friends. Unlike some other experiences I've had. Of course it doesn't mean your friends won't be friends with you anymore..otherwise they weren't really your friends to begin with. But it has the potential to cause lotsa problems. Especially with time distribution. This seems to be a reoccurring problem with my friends. Always comin to talk to me bout that kinda stuff. I mean, I guess it's troo...What's the reason why they don't like him/her anyways? Should that fact make you think twice, or does it really matter? Again, depends on what's important to you. Whether or not it's worth it. Always makes things easier if everyone gets along. Then again, it's just something that's important to me. That my guy can get along with my close friends. It's like that story I heard...this lady whose boyfriend was like, a social reject and always said the wrong thing in public and embarrassed her. All her friends disliked him so much that they eventually stopped wanting to spend time with her because of it. Plus, if ur gunna marry this person, later on in life, no matter what kinda job you have, you gotta have good PR skills. Meetings, parties, weddings, company dinners...you can't have a spouse with reject social skills who's gunna either embarrass you or just cause discomfort in social settings. right? or just not get along with ur co-workers. stuff like that...it's amazing the things u find out about people sometimes... i guess it's good to know these things before u get into relationships with people, but it's really hard to learn everything about a person before getting emotionally attached to them. Then later on ur all attached, so the rose-colored glasses skew your vision. I know. Trust me...=P

Never thought this day would come, but I these days, actually somewhat understand a certain someone that i never thought i'd understand. Well, not completely understand, but I understand the walls. I've put up walls lately and they've really helped actually. Short-term. The only problem is, that the emotions behind those walls get hidden away and you make efforts to forget about them, but they're still there. That's what's unhealthy about it. It makes you temporarily happier and freer, but in the end, you need to overcome the whole thing. Not just build up walls around you. Cuz ultimately, it hurts more when the walls come down.

Had a good ol convo with Gracie last nite. Hadn't talked to her in forever...I dunno...it was random that she thought of me to come to for advice cuz she thought I had sorta gone thru a similar situation. And of course, it was kinda parallel. Well, not exactly. But similar. I guess it was sorta something I needed to hear. To some extent anyways...who knows if I'll really listen. But at least I heard it.

How do you know where to draw the line?

Arm feels funny again. It's the way I sleep. Caught myself doin it again last nite. Still have a headache...Still feel like a piece of ddong. Feel like a babo too. Not a good combo.

It would be nice if things were black and white. Win or lose. But it's not. It's really not. I still don't believe it's about winning or losing, or black and white. No matter how much you tried to tell me that, there are too many grey areas in my life for me to believe that. Life isn't a big game of who wins what and who loses what. Sometimes you win and lose at the same time. Sometimes you can say this is definitely one way or the other. But if I've learned nothing in the past few years, I have learned that things aren't always one way or the other. Human nature doesn't let you do that.

Wish I knew what I wanted to do after graduation. I mean, immediately after. I still can't decide if taking a year off is the best thing or not. I guess it seems like it would be, but there are so many things to take into consideration...Why is it so hard for me to decide? I never used to be so indecisive about things like this. Other things, indecisiveness is my middle name. But education/career etc...that kinda stuff has never been a question before. Now I can't seem to determine what would be best for me...

I wonder if close friends really have weird connections to each other. Like, Cat one time had this really weird feeling one nite, and one of her close friends was having a really super bad day and was extraordinarily upset. I've gotten that feeling before too. You just feel like something is off and you're thinkin bout something odd all day etc...or u feel sick or just feel bad in general but ur not sure why. and then u find out that one of your friends actually had something bad goin on. Like that. I wonder if it's just coincidence that things like that happen. Or mebbe that's God's way of lettin u know that someone u care about is havin probs or something. I dunno...curious...

3:30 pm
There are some things in life that I will just never understand...

I dunno why Angelfire is so retarded sometimes. Annoying...I tried to edit the section bout James to add the pic and of course it's doin that retarded thing again where the exact section I try to edit disappears. And I've tried to go back and edit it everyday since then and it's STILL not working. grr...what's the dilly yo?

1. I love you not because of who you are, but because of who I am when I am with you. <-- There's a lot of truth to that. Altho I usually love the person because of who they are as well.
2. No man or woman is worth your tears, and the one who is, won't make you cry. <-- Hmm..yes, but sometimes there are people who are worth the tears.
3. Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. <-- can't disagree with that one. just doesn't feel so good when it's not a mutual thing of course
4. A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart. <-- difficult to find
5. The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right beside them knowing you can't have them. <-- I can vouch for that one. :T
6. Never frown, even when you are sad, because you never know who is falling in love with your smile. <-- i love that one!
7. To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world. <-- it's just a matter of finding that person.
8. Don't waste your time on a man/woman, who isn't willing to waste their time on you. <-- so easy to say, but oh so hard to do
9. Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one, so that when we finally meet the person, we will know how to be grateful. <-- I can see that one
10. Don't cry because it is over, smile because it happened. <-- yay! optimism!
11. There's always going to be people that hurt you so what you have to do is keep on trusting and just be more careful about who you trust next time around. <-- that's what I do, even without thinking. Altho I dunno if I'm realllly all that careful about who I trust the next time around...i have a bit of a problem with blind trust...
12. Make yourself a better person and know who you are before you try and know someone else and expect them to know you. <-- yep
13. Don't try so hard, the best things come when you least expect them to. <-- oh so true~

Try smiling when you're in a bad mood. You'll be surprised at how the physical act of smiling will alter your disposition.

2:30 pm
I believe- that we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.
I believe- that no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that. <-- troo~
I believe- that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love. <-- yep but it's still hard...
I believe- that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life. <-- i can vouch for that one...
I believe- that it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be. <-- as for everyone...u never stop learning and growing~
I believe- that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them. <-- another hard thing to do sometimes...
I believe- that you can keep going long after you can't. <-- hmm..interesting one...
I believe- that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel. <-- this is troo, but a super super hard one. A lot of people act a certain way when they feel another. Hurts people in the long run tho~
I believe- that either you control your attitude or it controls you. <-- better for you to be in control. Or at least let the big guy upstairs...
I believe- that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades and there had better be something else to take its place. <-- troo. those are the best kinds!
I believe- that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.
I believe- that money is a lousy way of keeping score. <-- YES IT IS!
I believe- that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time. <-- haha...yep!
I believe- that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down, will be the ones to help you get back up. <-- who??
I believe- that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel. <-- yep. You always have the right to be angry. Just need to keep it cool bout the way you behave when you're angry...
I believe- that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. <-- hard stuff~
I believe- that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated. <-- yeah altho it's hard to think of it that way sometimes
I believe- that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself. <-- that's the first step yo~
I believe- that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief. <-- no it doesn't
I believe- that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become. <-- good advice
I believe- that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other. And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.
I believe- that you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever. <-- sometimes some things are better left unsaid...
I believe- that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different. <-- always.
I believe- that your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you. <-- of course. 9/11.
I believe- that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help. <-- definitely~
I believe- that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being. <-- I have so many examples of that it's ridiculous...
I believe- that the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon.

Spent all day today running errands, packing, cleaning...gettin ready for some JADE VILLAGE! YAY! heheh...and mebbe Glitter or stuff. We'll see...gotta go get ready. bye for now~

Some stuff I found on someone's page that I thought was kinda kewl..
~Watching you walk out of my life does not make me bitter or cynical about love. But rather makes me realize that if I wanted so much to be with the wrong person how beautiful it will be when the right one comes along. <--More of that optimism that nobody ever really feels until waaaay after the fact.

~To some special people searching for that unique person in their life. It hurts to love someone and not be loved in return, but what is more painful is to love someone and never find the courage to let that person know how you feel. <-- hmm...sometimes some things are better left unsaid tho~

~Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one so that when we finally meet the right person, we will know how to be grateful for that gift. <-- i like that one. Heard it lots...

~Love is when you take away the feeling, the passion, and the romance in a relationship and find out you still care for that person. A sad thing in life is when you meet someone who means a lot to you, only to find out in the end that it was never meant to be and you just have to let go. When the door of happiness closes, another opens, but often times we look so long at the closed door that we don't see the one which has been opened for us.

~The best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on a porch and swing with, never say a word, and then walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you've ever had. It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.

~Giving someone all your love is never an assurance that they'll love you back! Don't expect love in return; just wait for it to grow in their heart, but if it doesn't, be content it grew in yours. There are things you'd love to hear that you would never hear from the person whom you would like to hear them from, but don't be so deaf as not to hear it from the one who says it from his heart. Never say good-bye if you still want to try- never give up if you still feel you can go on-never say you don't love a person anymore if you can't let go.

~Love comes to those who still hope although they've been disappointed.. to those who still believe, although they've been betrayed, to those who still need to love, although they've been hurt before, and to those who have the courage and faith to build trust again. <-- Hmm...either that or we're just the stoopid hopeful ones. I wonder sometimes whether i makes you hopeful and full of faith or just plain stupid...

~It takes only a minute to get a crush on someone, an hour to like someone, and a day to love someone - but it takes a lifetime to forget someone. <-- u never forget.

~Don't go for looks; they can deceive. <-- Guys who are TOO good looking...yep...not such a good idea
Don't go for wealth; even that fades away.

~Go for someone who makes you smile because it takes only a smile to make a dark day seem bright. Hope you find the one that makes you smile. There are moments in life when you miss someone so much that you just want to pick them from your dreams and hug them for real! Hope you dream of that special someone. Dream what you want to dream; go where you want to go; be what you want to be, because you have only one life and one chance to do all the things you want to do. <-- Life is too short to not be with someone who makes you smile.

~May you have enough happiness to make you sweet,
enough trials to make you strong,
enough sorrow to keep you human,
and enough hope to make you happy. <-- Wasn't that in the Wedding Planner?

~Always put yourself in others' shoes. If you feel that it hurts you, it probably hurts the person too. A careless word may kindle strife; a cruel word may wreck a life; a timely word may level stress; a loving word may heal and bless. The beginning of love is to let those we love be just themselves, and not twist them with our own image - otherwise, we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them.

~The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way. Happiness lies for those who cry, those who hurt, those who have searched, and those who have tried, for only they can appreciate the importance of people who have touched their lives.

~Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss and ends with a tear. The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past, you can't go on well in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.

~When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling. Live your life so that when you die, you're the one who is smiling and everyone around you is crying.

I'm amazed at how much of a sap I am sometimes. hehe...altho i like these lil phrases and stuff. They give u that warm fuzzy feeling. :P

We had a discussion about what guys mean when they say no relationship now, but maybe later. That is usually interpreted by most girls as never. Altho most guys say no no, that doesn't mean never. Such an odd thing. I guess it should basically mean don't hold ur breath, right? I've never had anyone say that to me before so I wouldn't know how to interpret it, but I've heard guys say it to my friends before. I guess to me...I would say don't hold ur breath and find someone else. Cuz I mean, if he doesn't like you now, what makes him think that he might later? Right? Makes sense eh? Such a weird thing to say...

Nice to be home...got really frustrated with overprotection and lack of freedom at first, but it's still nice to be home. see the fam ... relax ... eat good food etc...altho I am not a *mooooo* thank u berry muchy. :T Ya know, it should be more of an *oink* sound instead of moooo, but i guess the mooo will suffice too. i suppose that's why i have the korean name I do, and the chinese nickname I do. How sad...

I saw Zach Phillips today! And Jake from orchestra in HS...and other peepz who were older than me in HS in lawrence last nite...so weird seeing people who you haven't seen in so long. I guess they still recognize me. It's weird cuz I always wonder how much I've changed or if they'll recognize me, but i guess they do...i was so excited. Hadn't seen Zach in a long time. Always nice to see old friends. It's weird bein home. Makes me remember and reminisce on things I had forgotten. In all senses of relationships...people...I guess it's a good wake up call from God. Altho sometimes it's not really a far cry either. *sigh* Who knows...always this element of I dunno...but whatever. No need to worry bout those things anymore. All in the past...Time to go watch korean videos...

2:22 pm
Wow...so butt stinking tired. Sheesh...i need to stop this late nite phone conversing. Same two people be callin and wakin me up at 3 and 4 in the mornin dude. Two nites in a row...went to church this mornin and slept in between service and lunch in the car. so tired...dad was like man, u must be tired. mom's all, yeah of course. she goes out at nite all the time and hten has to wake up in the morning. of course i ddin't wanna say no no, that's not why. it's cuz i'm on the phone for hours at 3 am. haha...so i just kept my mouth shut. but i need to take a nap dude...

I wonder when I'll come to my senses sometimes...

Nice talkin to old friends and spending time with peepz I haven't seen in awhile. Esp gettin things out in the open...learnin about people I was curious about. People who I thought disappeared but actually haven't. It's been a good time...

6:38 pm
Riiight....just woke up from a nap. hehe...watched some korean videos, slept. hungry now! as usual right? keke...i know i know. goin to branson tomorrow to watch chinese acrobat show. i've always wanted to see that so it should be fun stuff. altho if i drive, i'll be butt stinking tired...ah wellz...it's kewl. good parental bonding time! :)

10:12 pm
Apparently I'm bored today. hehe..i've updated a billion times in one day. Just sat around and watched Korean videos all evening pretty much...helped mom cook for awhile but that's about it..pretty low-key day. that's prob better newaiz. need to recover and get rest so i can study and stuff the rest of the week. LSAT ahh...i think i'm leanin more toward takin a year off before law skool. i think that'd be best...altho of course i'm not sure, but i'm pretty sure that's what i'm leanin toward now...stronger than ever...but we'll see~

What's the deal with Korean parents always tryin to hook their kids up? I guess I should be used to it by now, but I still think it's so weird. Especially when it's a very weird parent who is pushing for it. I mean...c'mon, can we keep in mind how old I am? None of this 30 yr old business for me thnx. Always seems to be the weird ones who say that kinda stuff. it's one thing to push the rents, but tryin to sell him to me too? no thank you! so weird...

Thought more about the law skool thing and i think i'm pretty much gunna take a year off. It's just a matter of what i'm gunna do during that year. I'd wanna go to Korea or Japan...or LA or NY even...but it's just a matter of whether or not that's possible or practical. I bet the most practical and possible thing would be to stay in Houston, but it's just a matter of whether or not that's what I wanna do. hmm...I know it's only a year, but i have mild reservations about leaving friends too. Well, i guess if i went to LA or NY i'd be leaving them too, but it's not quite the same as going abroad. Then people really couldn't just hop on a plane and come out or vice versa... :T Plus, I heard Japan was a lil weird too..mebbe Korea would be better. But then I went thru all that crap there during the summer and got super sick...sigh...So mebbe it'd be better for me to stay here...but then my Korean or Japanese would get so much better and it'd definitely be an awesome experience...I could see Marina too! aww...how fun would that be? Man...i dunno what to do...sigh...decisions decisions...

Went to Lawrence at nite with Mike, hung out, ate Chilis, watched We Were Soldiers but then had to come home before it was over. Didn't wanna get home too late. Talked on the phone for a long time...

Someone who has known me really well for a long time told me I had too big of a heart. Not in a good way tho. I was like uhh...hmm..should I shrink it? Not good in the respect that I guess I get fooled too much. Salam boh nuhn noon ubsuh. yeah I know that much. I've heard that a lot. I guess I'm getting better tho. But that's just cuz of previous experience and stuff. hmm...It's been fun bein home and seein old friends...I know I keep saying that, but I had forgotten a lot. Outta sight outta mind huh? I guess it's not always that way, but it's easier to do when ur 750 miles away. Double-edged. Good but bad. Remembering feeling bad...reputation issues...that was such a horrid time...sheesh~ something i'll never forget. I guess a big reason why Houston has been really really good for me. Makes me really grateful that I've grown up a lot too. But still makes me feel bad when I'm reminded of stuff. And kinda angry. At certain people. My babo-ness amazes me sometimes. I hope I never slip back into that babo mode. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...hurts people. and myself. :T

I wonder a lot. Had a weird dream too. Talkin on the phone all over the place, throwin rocks in a parking lot, some big lady putting her arm on my shoulder as I'm walkin outside late at nite scaring the crap outta me, k goin to find j and i was like WHAT?! why???? so weird...i guess a lotta weird thoughts from the convo last nite. sigh...

Poor Catherine's injury...aww...i hope she's ok. I'll be back in Houston soon but aww...I know how that feels. Fallin down the stairs is not the best feeling in the world. :T Sorry babe!! Bruises, aches, pains...

Continuing onto my Senior Year at Rice...