Cursor jumping

Okay, I'm indulging in a little snivel here. Say you are Microsoft, and you are releasing a monstrous, mondo, huge, ENORMOUS operating system. This is based on the same system you've been using for oh... 20 years. In all that time, you have never once gotten the 'Notepad' software to work properly. Do you repeat the problem in the new release??

Apparently, you do. Nevermind that Windows2000 cost a fortune, and was a pain in the ass to install and configure. Nevermind that the 'crack' software designers at Microsoft doubtless spent hundreds of hours updating the desktop icons to make them look cuter, or making annoying pop-up office assistants with more panache.

I use notepad for writing HTML every day. It's important to my work, and important to me personally, because this journal is written in notepad. To date I have written 356 journal entries, and some 50 other documents related to this site alone; all of them in notepad.

In every single one of them, I have had the cursor jump from line to line on me. Whenever I use the save menu to save my work, I scroll back to where I was originally typing, and the cursor is gone. This is very irritating, because part of the function of a cursor is to be a sort of bookmark. An HTML document has many repeated sections of different tags and junk, and it can be very difficult to find one's place again. In the worst cases, I have had a word highlighted while I saved, and then accidentally started to type again, thus deleting that word, and sometimes not realizing I had done so.

So now you know. When you read old entries and notice entire words or phrases cut short, this is why. Damn Microsoft. I can't believe they didn't fix it!

Okay, that's enough ranting, I guess. This is the third day I've had the new computer, and I am still installing software. I've loaded Front Page, Visio, Office2000 Pro, FTP, WinZip, Acrobat, and my Palm software. That's it. I can't believe that's taken me three days. I still have to install the software for my CD-RW (which apparently has some compatibility issues with Win2000), Illustrator, Photoshop, Pagemaker, GoLive, and Oracle's DV2000.

Amazing how quickly I can cram a hard drive full of crap. It's a good thing I store files on my network. I only have a 20 GB hard drive, after all. Hee hee.

Last night's taekwondo was a mental struggle as much as a physical one. I have a habit of being harder on myself than I would be on anyone else, and the arts are no exception. Forest thinks I need to tone that back; but I think it's one of the things I actually like about myself. I never ask anyone to do something I wouldn't do, and for that matter, I never ask them to do some of the more extreme things I would, anyway. I consider it leading by example.

Last night it occurred to me that maybe it's just a form of egotism. Am I just doing this out of a spirit of competitiveness? Why do I have to push so hard all the time?

When I think about it, though, it doesn't feel that way. To me it feels like I'm challenging myself, and not holding back.

At any rate, last night was frustrating because by the end of beginner's class, my right knee (which I wrenched somehow last week) was swollen up like a big round grapefruit again, and rather painful. I decided to ice it between classes, and then it felt much better for a while; but still by the middle of advanced class I was limping.

Master Ron laughed at me, and told me that I really ought to just sit out; but since he was laughing, I figured it was okay to say 'No, sir, I really need the practice.' Now I have probably made bad-monkey Master Ron think I'm an idiot. Ah, well. Maybe I am.

I did get in some great practice on my poomses, though, and I feel pretty good about the test in a couple of weeks. I have reviewed the first seven forms, because doubtless Master Kim will require me to perform them; and I've basically dabbled in Taeguk 8, my new one. I was pleased that Master Kim assigned Master Ron to work with us on advanced poomse, allowing Forest to work with the intermediate people on their new forms. I have been leading the advanced poomse practice too many times without the help of the instructor, and have made minor changes to them without realizing it. In one form I was downblocking in one spot where I should have middleblocked, for instance. Master Ron emphasizes that it's not a big deal, because the form is still correct; but at least he can check my work and get me back on track.

I was really pleased with how my first seven felt, and wish we could have spent more time on the 8th... but that's the way it goes. I'm hoping for some extra practice Monday night and this weekend, which should help immensely.

Today I'm glowing, because Master Ron called me a good leader, right in front of everyone. Like most people, I love to be praised in general, but it's nice to know that I'm growing that way. I've always admired people with good leadership abilities.

After class last night Forest and I talked and talked for a good half hour, and he and Brian (a fellow student) are trying to talk me into competing in Judo tournaments. They feel that I could just use aikido and kick some pretty serious booty. I really don't see that happening. Aikido requires for the other person to be in motion in order for me to throw them. I haven't done any judo, but it looks to me as though people are moving each other, but mostly remaining stationary objects. A successful throw in judo is rare, and seems to involve overpowering the opponent. I'm not really interested in that.

I think Forest might be hoping that it would be a way for him to continue to take Judo classes, but still see me on Thurday nights. I'm not sure that I *want* to take a judo class. I rather enjoy the fact that I only get beaten up two days per week right now. Besides, it would mean another weeknight that I'm at LCC until nearly 11 PM. That's just too much for me. I can't begin to describe how difficult it is for me to get out of bed and get to work first thing in the morning after working out until after 10:30. I don't come down from a workout very fast. We usually end up leaving LCC by around 11 and getting home around 11:30, very very hungry.

So then we have to eat, and shower, and both feel wide awake the whole time. It's hard to get the body slowed down after all that activity... but in actuality I am more tired than I realize, because when I finally crash (usually near 1 AM) I sleep HARD, and it's very difficult to get going again within 7 hours.

Forest was extremely stressed yesterday. I'm glad we had taekwondo to calm him down, or he would have been a basket case all night, too. The person who was supposed to cover his shift on Monday so that we could be out of town was fired yesterday. That means there's no one to take the shift, and he has no idea what to do about it. The reservations are made, and it's too late to get a refund for cancellation. I have already formally requested the day off. What's more, we are planning to see the fall colors up north, so rescheduling for a later date will probably not be possible.

So we're kind of screwed, and I don't know what he can do about it.

He's also stressed because he and his brother have been working on his car for two days after work, and it's still not done, and they keep having to buy more and more parts, and they still don't know whether the head gasket it trashed or not. If it is, there's a chance they'll have to spend $500 for a new engine at a junk shop, and we would be talking about several more weeks before the car is fixed. To top all of this off, our third car (a ten-year-old Geo Metro which we affectionately call "the love rocket") is completely unsafe to drive. It suddenly decided it didn't want to have CV joints or brakes anymore, leaving Forest carless. Living so far away from his family, friends and work stresses him out in the first place, but doing so without his own car makes it a hundred times worse. I can't say I blame him; it sucks out loud. His brother was kind enough to loan him his car for a few days, but with Forest that's just not the same.

Sean's car's fun, though. It's still got its racing tires on from the last time Sean took it racing; plus it has a souped up engine, race car suspension, and there's something making the transmission fancy, too, but I couldn't explain what. It goes really really fast. If Yeffy had a car like that while-tailed deer would become extinct, and no one would ever drive down Edgewood again, for fear of him.

Err. Not that Yeffy's not a safe driver, or anything. Actually, to be honest, I haven't ridden with Yeff since his early college pizza delivery days; so he's probably a little less scary now. I used to be notorious for grabbing the 'oh shit' handle in Yeffy's car and clinging to it for dear life.

Yesterday was the anniversary of Forest's and my first trip to Lake Michigan together, and I have been smiling a lot as I reminisce about it. It has been easily the most wonderful year of my life. I am so grateful to the great Whoever for this amazing, INCREDIBLE gift. I am so overwhelmed by it that I still cry tears of joy, and feel humbled by the awesome power of whatever force it is that makes these things happen. Whoever you are, Great Being of Many Faces, thank you!

We've had a great first year together. I remember working together at the Store and stopping for the occasional kiss... and
Our first road trip together.
Forest choosing to tuck Kirstin into bed with me each night, and how touched I was by that.
The day we picked out Leeloo, and the day we were drafted by Eilonwy.
My sweety rescuing a crawdad who was washed ashore.
Our first Christmas together; a warm, happy, cocoa-filled time.
New Year's Eve, Forest standing behind me with his arms around me, while we both watched fireworks from our bedroom window.
Long walks in the moonlight, spilling out the contents of our souls.
Our first kiss, snuggled up on the couch, a warm, sweet suprise.
Blood, sweat, bruises, and tears in taekwondo, as we discovered that we could make a great team.
A thousand times, staring into his beautiful blue eyes, and realizing how much I love him.
Last fall, taking Forest out to meet my mom and Sam, and seeing his face by campfirelight for the first time.
The tears that fell when we learned all of the worst parts of each other.
The miracle of loving each other so much that we love the worst parts of each other, and watching the relationship blossom from there into more than we could have dreamed.
Walking arm in arm through the parking lot at Target, and feeling as though I completely belonged to him.
Our first trip to Chicago!
Letting Wayne Goth us out and going dancing. How Forest looked in that morning coat in the candlelight!
Climbing our first sanddune together, and sharing our first Lake Michigan sunset; returning to the place which is so dear to my soul and discovering that Forest fits there, perfectly.
Learning how it feels to come to life when he enters the room, and see him do the same.
The feel of Forest beside me, anywhere. I've memorized the exact 'feel' of him, so that I know he's there without looking.
Tickle fights that tumbled all over our house.
Head-butting each other in our sleep!
The first time he called me 'honey'.
Opening the door for him and seeing boquets of flowers in his hands.
Riding a tandem bike together!
People saying things like, "You two were meant to be together", and "They have a special kind of relationship", and "You're good to each other."
Chocolate ice cream with peanut butter stirred in.
A nap at the Renaissance festival, snuggled under the trees.
Our first night camping together. Brrr!
Our first family trip; to Chicago. Forest is so patient and kind.
Lunch at Hobie's with Yeffy and Forest, the first time they met; the brief look of suprise in Yeffy's eyes when he first saw us together. I think he saw something there.
Forest rubbing my shoulders and patting me down in the 30-second timeout of my first taekwondo match.
Seeing 'Rent' together, and watching Forest cry.
The long drive to Tennesse.
Snuggling on the couch at the Cloghaun on a cool early spring evening.
Waterskiing behind my dad's boat, Forest's resilience and sense of humor.
The 48-ounce margarita, and hanging with Karen and Jim.
Eating lunch together on a little dock on the river, and basking in the sun.
Walking through downtown Eaton Rapids on the 4th of July, hand in hand, and Kirstin jogged ahead.
Dinner with Bill and Kathy, all four of us laughing.
"And there, fair Hermia, wilt thou marry me?"
The real proposal, under the full moon, with tears glimmering in his eyes.
Realizing that we are absolutely right together.
Playing with the Slender Loris at the Cincinnati Zoo.
Climbing rocks together, and realizing that being with Forest is liberating.
Sipping hot tea together after a cold boat ride.
Decorating together before Kirstin's birthday party.
Announcing our engagement, and watching Sam give Forest a great big hearty handshake and congratulations.
Sitting in the balcony at the methodist church where I grew up during the candlelight Christmas Eve service, with my mom and sisters. Taking communion together and not feeling the least bit strange about expressing gratitude to some diety for our recent blessings.
Walking into St. Anne's church for the first time, and both crying at the sheer beauty of it.
Singing Auld Lang Syne to each other on our pillows as we drifted off to sleep on New Year's Eve.
Raspberries and bread we ate on a log at the arboretum.
Forest always putting his shirt on while his back's still wet after a shower, while I always race to dry it with a towel, poking fun.
Kirstin's face when she found out about the engagement, and later said, "Forest is the best birthday present I ever had."
Playing in the kitchen and kicking the dishwasher, and discovering that he could take care of me when I was hurting.
Forest injuring himself in class, and discovering that I could take care of him, too.
Being home sick together, and going nearly insane.
Running into each other's arms after our first night apart, and realizing that maybe that wasn't something we would have to get used to.
The first time I saw him all bundled up in his bathrobe.
Learning to trim his goatee.
Dozens of heart to heart talks in the shower.
Playing violin and piano with Pat and Cathy.
Housesitting for my mom and soaking in the hot tub together in the middle of the night.
Christmas shopping together, and both enjoying it!
Swimming, diving, and otherwise getting soaking wet together a LOT.
Forest bringing me flowers at work.
Poring over an art history book together at Denny's late one night over a mug of cocoa.
Little golden streaks in his hair after a day in the sun.
Dashing through a thunderstorm together, and feeling brave while lightning hit the mailbox a few feet away. Driving home wearing nothing but his coat, because our clothes were literally soaked through. Laughing the whole time!
Sharing our childish secrets. Forest and his stuffed animals, me with my pinket. Neither one of us seeing anything wrong with keeping them around.
Snuggling with Forest and Kirsitin in a big pile to watch a video.
The three of us in a row at Celebration, laughing our socks off while watching Shanghai Noon, Kirstin's first action movie.
Dreaming about our future together.
Singing Christmas carols together to fall asleep on Christmas Eve.
Breakfasts with Forest and his dad.
Forset taking me out for my first, second, and third abyssmal attempts at golf.
Steak and Shake with Michele and Schuster.
Relaxing on the couch at Carlson's during the Dining Room cast party.
Seeing a praying mantis together on a window ledge, and staring at it for a long time.
Holding hands with Forest at Wharton Center's Holiday Pops concert and listening to Kirstin sing with joyful tears in my eyes.
Forest, good-naturedly, when I asked if I might write about him here: "I don't give two shits and a free toaster if you write about me in your journal. That's fine. Just as long as it's all true."
Climbing to the top of the lighthouse at Leelanau together on a crisp fall day.

Accepting all I've done and said.
I want to stand and stare again.
Until there's nothing left unknown
It remains there in your eyes.
Whatever comes and goes.
I will hear your silent call.
And I will touch this tender wall
until I know I'm home again
in your eyes.