Today was another real life lesson for me. It's amazing how much I've been learning lately completely by accident.
This morning I had to get up early, so I could take the sleeping bags to the laundromat before work. The idea was that I would put them in, start them washing, then Forest would follow up a while later to dry them and bring them home.
I got to the laundromat with very little time to spare. Each sleeping bag takes up an entire triple-load washing machine. Each triple load washing machine takes 9 quarters to run. I thought that was ridiculous, but since I really had no other choice, I started dumping quarters in.
To make a long story short, the first machine ate 9 quarters, never started, and wouldn't return my change. I didn't have time to complain to the management and get my money back, so I rushed along to the next machine, which started to run, but then stopped a few seconds after it started. I realized after a minute of fiddling with it that the door seal kept popping open, and that the machine won't run if the door pops open.
So I lost another 9 quarters by moving to the next machine... and it kept getting worse and worse! In the end, I spent nearly $10.00 to wash my two sleeping bags, and was running a half hour late for work.
In a fit of utter frustration, I called Forest on my cellular phone while I was speeding along irresponsibly (75 in a 55) and vented my complete bad mood at him with all sorts of profane language in not a very nice tone of voice. He promised to go right down there and babysit the darn laundry. I hung up the phone feeling a little better on one hand, but guilty for blasting him with my frustrations on the other. All of this was completely unlike me, and I had no idea why I was getting so carried away. As soon as I had a chance I called to apologize, and make sure he knew I wasn't angry at him, just frustrated to have lost so much time and money on something I couldn't control.
Then when I got to work, I was immediately sent for a 3-hour class in stress management. How funny is that?? Practically the first words out of the clinician's mouth were, "Stress escalates, and then we unfortunately take it out on the ones we love most."
She kept repeating, over and over again, "It's not about us, it's about how we're wired." She reminded us of our perceptions and how they can either cause distress of eustress. She reminded me of a million things I already knew.
But I wasn't actively applying them; not all the time. Certainly not while I was at the laundromat and crunched for time, or rushing to work afterward.
Lately I've been taking for granted how much the stress in my life has decreased. I don't have to wear a bite plate every night to keep from getting TMJ problems anymore. My back isn't all tied up in knots. I don't generally feel irritable or anxious. In the past I had no idea what caused all those terrible symptoms. People would tell me it was stress, but I was so busy pushing forward in react mode that I really didn't see the forest for the trees. I lived in a state of denial, and kept telling myself my life was okay, so how could I possibly be stressed?
I shouldn't take the past few months' non-stressed time for granted at all, because it's not an accident that I don't grit my teeth in my sleep anymore. It's the result of all the changes I've been making in my life. I've gotten rid of a lot of conscious and subconscious fear, doubts, and uncertainties. I've been excercising regularly. I've simplified my life, and started to be more aware of it as I live it. I'm doing a lot less worrying and a lot more living. I think I've found more internal and external stability.
Just in the past month, I've started to feel a little stress again. Tiny warning signs are coming up. I noticed myself gritting my teeth the other day at work. I had a knot in my shoulder the other day. As I step back and check my feelings on the matter, I think most of the stress is related to finances; and it's a lot better now that I'm certain everything will be resolved soon. I was worrying that if we were buried under a huge house payment, Forest wouldn't be able to go to school, and I was uncertain where a life of scraping the bottom of the barrel would lead.
The stress is elevated by the fact that I've been so busy with the play, and work, and the laundry at home was piling up, and the house needed to be cleaned, and these things all irritate me in one way or another.
You know what, though? I took a big step in reducing stress this week. Saturday I spent time with friends, and felt myself building the beginnings of a support system there. I need someone other than Forest that I can talk to when I'm stressed. He can't possibly fill every need I have. Then on Tuesday; I started my regular excercise routine again. That lowered the level of tension by leaps and bounds (literally).
Yesterday I started looking for healthy foods at reasonable times again. On the way to rehearsal I stopped at a grocery store and bought a roll, veggies, and fruit for dinner instead of driving through fast food. It didn't really take that much more time, and I got to have a pommegranate! This was food I really *enjoy*. (Fast food is fuel, which I basically ignore, but eat because I have to.)
Today's class gave me even more ideas on this. The lady who taught the class understood that stress levels will rise and fall, but what is important is to find a balance point. Yes, I can do theatre, but when I add something stressful to my life, I also need to add things that will reduce stress, too. Since I know I have rehearsal tonight, I'm going to spend an extra 20 minutes stretching and doing a little yoga. I'm also going to try to eat healthily and regularly, and get regular amounts of sleep for the rest of the production. Those things will help a lot.
After the show's over, I know I'll return to my natural equilibrium and not need to take those extra measures, until the next thing comes up. I'm going to try to teach myself to see these things coming, and take care of them in advance from now on. It's my responsibility to make sure that I can live with myself, be peaceful and contented. I've been doing alright at it lately; now it's time to learn to be proactive instead of reactive about it.
Well I guess that's enough soapboxing today. Last night's rehearsal went well, but then I stayed out at Yeffy's until nearly 1 AM, which probably resulted in my completely flaking out at the washing machine this morning. For the rest of the day I'm going to have some perspective and I'm going to make sure I get to bed at a reasonable hour.
Tonight after I get home, I'm going to pack up all the stuff for our camping trip, so that we can leave right after work. Hopefully we'll arrive at the Straits and set up camp before it gets dark out on Friday night. The humidity is very high right now, so it's going to be difficult to keep everything dry; still it's hot enough that a little damp shouldn't be too bothersome.
Off to lunch with my sweety!
