I think I'm becoming a stronger person. Last night I realized that in the past year, while I wasn't letting my life run me ragged, I was learning a lot about focus. I have really been putting my mind into the fewer things I have been doing. Funny; my mind works amazingly well when it isn't constantly distracted by doubts and confusion.
For instance, last night I went back to Taekwondo after nearly three weeks off, and hadn't really forgotten anything at all. I remembered all my obscure Korean, and all of the moves to go along with it. I'd lost a little flexibility, and gotten a little softer, but overall, I realized that I make a very fine brown belt. It made me feel pretty good about myself, and it led me to understand that *this* is what it means to actually apply myself to something. It means obscure Korean terms ending up in my long-term memory, instead of dropping by the wayside in a fit of distraction. I like that.
It gives me hope for the future. I never got great grades in college; toward the end there I thought I just must be getting stupider or something. Maybe I was forgetting how to learn. In fact, I think I was trying to be too many things at once. My energies were going in a thousand different directions, and now that I look back on them, they weren't the RIGHT directions.
Somehow I thought it was important to me to chase after one thing or another. I thought I wanted an imitation of college life, since I couldn't live in a dorm and party with everyone, so we had guests in our apartment, who played games and drank like fish for years on end.
So I spent hour after hour with these people, many of whom I haven't been in touch with in more than 5 years. My memories of those times are restricted to vague recollections of being very tired, but feeling desperate to fit in. I remember fitting in was a big deal back then.
At the same time, I also felt it was important to play handbells all the time, learn to be a parent, sing in choir, work full time, read good books, experience cable TV for the first time, learn to use a computer, and oh, yeah, going to school was important, too.
Somehow, as busy as I was, I think my thoughts were often even busier. I worried constantly about whether I was going to cut it as a parent. I juggled schedules, grocery lists, and babysitters, and tried to make ends meet financially without really knowing what I was doing. I spent a lot of time every day just wondering what on earth I was going to do with myself someday.
I was so worried about what I should become that I wasn't investing myself in who I was at the time.
During my long relationship with my ex-boyfriend, things only got more complicated. I eventually stopped going to school, and replaced all that activity with theatre; and all of the drinking nights with cleaner gaming nights and volleyball. I agree that threatre is a lovely hobby, but I really was very obsessed with it, and constantly worried about what role to try for next, scheduling and promoting shows. This was topped off my constant doubts about the relationship I was in, and pointless attempts to gain his approval through acts instead of emotions. I couldn't think about my future, because much to my own disappointment at the time, my future and his would not reconcile together in any way.
So I wasn't going in any particular direction. I never, in all my so-called 'adult' years, felt like I was on any specific path in life.
Last night Master Kim used an analogy to describe a nice, straight punch. He said that if you take a bit of gunpowder, and pour it on the ground, then set the bullet on top and light it, the bullet will go nowhere, because the force will be dispersed in too many different directions. If, however, you put the gunpowder in the long, perfectly straight barrel of a rifle, the same amount of powder will propel a bullet to a target a mile away. The force is directed by the barrel.
I think after a year of simplifying my life, it has gotten easier to fit it within that barrel. I'm starting to see some sort of path before me. I don't think it's manifested itself on any real, tangible level, but I have a feeling of peace, surety and contentment that I never had before.
Part of it is Forest. I found the one I was meant to be with. He and I bring direction to each other, in a way, because the presence of the other has eliminated so many other doubts and choices. We also seem to favor our hopes and dreams that fit together the best; thus our dreams become stronger and more real, because they're shared.
And I think a shared dream can make you a stronger person.
Wow. That was my longest philosophical rant in ages. Obviously, last night's taekwondo workout cleared my mind, loosened my muscles, and made me feel really good about who I am and what I'm doing. Everyone was happy for Forest and I, and of course, much joshing around ensued. Many of my favorite fellow students have returned, and it's getting to be a really fun, close-knit group. We all know all about each other, and have lots of running jokes. I was glad to be back. As always, Master Kim hit us with a rather punishing workout, but actually I'm not as sore as I thought I would be. I was also pretty happy that Master Kim asked me to demonstrate some things for class. That was a first, and it makes me feel good that he has confidence that I at least somewhat know what I'm doing.
Of course, as always, one of the times he asked me to demonstrate something, I blanked out on what he wanted. This is bound to happen, and always makes me groan inwardly. It's a move I've done a million times; I know it inside and out. I had just let my mind wander ahead to the next one in the sequence, and thus started to do the wrong one. *sigh*
Thankfully, like a good little padawan, I can smile, nod, say "Yes, Master", and let Master Kim demonstrate it himself. I think he takes a bit of joy in that, anyway.
I'm really looking forward to going camping this weekend. Forest and I have been promising Kirstin we would go all summer, but then we kept getting rained out. This is a very temperate time of year, so I'm hoping things will be better this time; if not, we have plans that can be carried out in the rain. We're planning to spend three nights camping near the Mackinac Straits, which puts us close to the Soo and Tahquamenon, as well as Lake Michigan and Lake Huron. For our fourth night we got an offer from our innkeeper on Mackinac Island that was too good to pass up, so we're off to the Cloghaun for one night of bed and breakfast heaven. I'm hoping Kirstin appreciates the magic of the place as much as Forest and I do. I think with her imagination she should like it just fine.
I had another appraisal of my house today, and it turns out that the value of it has gone up again somehow. Very strange. I think this whole appraising thing is highly subjective. (I almost typed 'suggestive'. Hee hee)
