The little voice back there has come up with the following excuses for being in a bad mood today, and eliminated them for one reason or another.
Maybe it's because it's snowing so much outside that I have no idea how I'm going to get home from work tonight. Nah, because I started being low before it started to snow.
Maybe I'm bummed because I miss doing theatre, and the vast majority of my friends just got cast in a show I really wanted to do, but can't, probably because I'm not with Jeff anymore, and wimped out. (I have come to think I subconsciously screwed up my schedule so I wouldn't have to deal with it. Maybe.) This would be a silly reason to be depressed. I don't see my friends that often as it is, and I'm hoping to do theatre over the summer, when it makes more sense in my schedule.
Maybe I'm bummed because Forest doesn't feel we're communicating as well as we used to, and we don't agree on the reason for the lack of communication. I think it's because we fill our time with busy-things (movies, friends, shows) and don't take quiet time together like we used to. He thinks its because our lives have changed so much in the past 6 months, and we haven't changed communication styles with it. I don't really know what he means by that... but to me it sounds like he's saying the same thing I am, only with a different perspective. I probably just don't understand because we're not communicating as well as we used to. Nice little logic loop, isn't it? I can't think quite how this would be really depressing, though, since it affirms that we both love each other enough to care about communication and work through it.
Maybe I'm bummed because I know that my friends frequently get together, and I'm not invited anymore. Last night Forest went out to his friend Will's house, and basically had fun hanging out with Will and a few friends. I wasn't sad that I didn't go along. It felt good to have some quiet time in the house. It did, however, make me realize how much I miss just hanging out, going to the bar, and generally seeing my friends. I feel left out when they all do stuff I used to get to do. I get the added joy of knowing that apparently because Forest and I are playing on Wednesday nights, Jeff is flatly refusing to. What a nice position to put the rest of our friends in. It makes me feel like an ass for being there.
Speaking of which, maybe I'm a little embittered that it's been six months, and Jeff still won't deal with me and/or Forest being in the same room when other people are around. Grow up a little bit for fuck's sake. I don't understand this, because he's fine in email, and fine on the phone. He's even okay when I drop by there to move things or let the kids play. But he's effectively ostracized me from what used to be my life, by making it so I'm not invited when my friends get together anymore, and by whatever the hell he said to everyone when we broke up. And now he's apparently going to pout and refuse to play because I'm there. (He claims he has no problem with Forest, although I'm not sure that's really true.) I thought after years of watching him self-righteously shun his ex-wife's treatment of me, that he would be above this sort of behavior. He knows it's immature, pointless, and hurtful to both parties and their friends. Apparently, he hasn't thought to turn his razor-sharp analysis on himself. Or maybe I just feel that way because I'm in a bad mood in general, and things are annoying me more than usual.
Maybe I'm bummed because I feel cut off from the world, and can't quite see a good reason for that. No one other than my mother ever calls me. There are 14 messages on our machine right now, and they are all for Forest. I'm a local call to all my friends. Then again, why should I expect them to call me, when I don't call them very often? Well, I called Andy and Shelly this weekend, but for some reason their machine wasn't picking up. There's no good reason that I don't call people, except that I often think that by the time I get home, it's too late at night. Hmm. I remember a time when I was annoyed about getting too many phone calls.... oh yeah. That was when I was poor and people were trying to collect money from me. really, I guess most of the time when people used to call me it was to get together, to game, to go hang out, so really this rant belongs with the previous one.
Maybe I'm low because I just got done with a big deadline and am now back to the more humdrum daily activities of my job.
Perhaps it has to do with the fact that I have no work on Monday. It's a paid holiday. By coincidence, however, on Sunday morning Forest is taking his friend Bridget to Chicago, staying at Wayne's, and not coming back until Monday night, bedtime. That means that I get a lovely snowed-in holiday weekend at my house with nothing to do but a pile of laundry. But that's silly, because I've got Forest all night tonight, and all day tomorrow. Sunday and Monday I just damn well ought to get on the phone and find something to do. Of course, fully half of my mind wants to tag along with Forest, despite a distinct feeling of being a third wheel. Still, I've spent more time with Wayne in the past few months than I have with any of my friends, and it would be good to see him, as strange as that sounds.
Maybe I'm depressed because I seem to live on the other side of a psychological barrier. My friends live on the south side of Lansing, about 20 minutes from my house. It wouldn't be a big deal if I lived 20 minutes away in Okemos, or 20 minutes away in Delta Township (where Bridgette and Richard live.) Geez, these are people who drive a half hour to do theatre in Bath practically every night. But for some reason, going to Eaton Rapids is out of the question. I should have chosen the house in Holt. It would be just as long a drive, but not have the perceived stigma attached.
Maybe I'm depressed because I don't know why Forest doesn't want to share his whole entire life with me. He doesn't want us to work together, because he thinks couples shouldn't. He doesn't think he's going to do Shakespeare with me this summer, because he's done "Shrew" before, and wasn't that fond of it. He wants to spend time with his friends without me. I guess on a basic level I just don't understand it, because I'd happily share everything I have with him, and then some. I also think I'm generally lonely and bored, and his friends spend more time with me lately than my own do, so I feel left out when they all get together and I stay at home. This is just silly and petty, and I really think we both ought to have our own lives. I guess it goes back to the problem of my not having one.
Maybe I'm bummed out because my mom keeps pushing me to take Kirstin to the doctor and get her put on Ritalin because she doesn't pay enough attention in school. I have serious objections to that, and so does Bill, but I feel confused and pressured by it, anyway. It's a bummer to have a kid who was doing so well suddenly turn out to be the problem child all around. I feel it's my fault for moving her from her secure environment, messing up her relationship with Jeff and Alex, and all our other friends, and expecting her to be just as successful without those things.
It might be that I'm hungry, or haven't exercised enough in the past two days.
Maybe I'm depressed because I paid ten dollars to sit alone and watch Jeff's show last weekend, and wanted to just congratulate him about his great performance, and got basically snubbed. I've been trying to be his friend, which I thought is what he wanted. Apparently not. Which is really sad for me, because I know it's all my fault, and I know Jeff can't handle complicated social situations, but he was my closest friend for 4 years, and I miss him.
I'm a little low because I got Forest this trip for Valentine's Day, and he doesn't seem to be excited about it. Actually, he says he really hasn't given it that much thought. I live to make him happy, and I can't seem to do that lately. Well, he says I do, but I don't see it in his face. The most I've seen of his happiness lately is when we had lunch with Yeffy the other day, and he picked on me for never giving him any time alone, and for getting bored while he is out working and cleaning the house. He and Yeffy basically comiserated about me and Reagan. I laughed, but later felt quietly insulted. Not by Yeffy, but by Forest, because he gets so stressed out about time, and I try and try to get him to spend some time alone, and with as much stress as his lack of alone time causes for both of us, it's really not funny to me. It was fun to see Yeffy, but the fact that lunch with Yeffy made Forest happy and full of laughs, and lunch with me yesterday led to a 20-minute nap is depressing.
I'm also bummed because I have to write a bio of myself for the program of this conference I'm presenting in next month. I hate professional bios, because I don't *have* a good background. I don't have a degree, and basically got the job by being smart and in the right place at the right time. I have no impressive credentials. I hate being put in the position of telling people that. The minimum degree among all the people I work with is a bachelor's, and that includes my secretary. I wish I could give them a theatre bio, it's got much more content.
Oh, and I'm pissed off that I left all my workout clothes on my bed this morning, thus missed weightlifting with Shelly today. It doubtless would have made me feel better, and I would have gotten to chat with Shel, too.
So all this prattling on has only made me more depressed. I should find something to do this weekend. I should boldly decide NOT to go with Forest on Sunday, and should spend some of Saturday out doing something so he can get some time alone. I should shut up, quit feeling sorry for myself for no particular reason, and think something productive. I should acknowlege that I'm just in a bad mood, and will likely feel better about everything when I wake up tomorrow morning.
*****
An addendum, because Shelly pointed out that I was really depressed and writing this from a skewed perspective.
Don't worry everyone, and don't feel bad. I know these are pointless, stupid thoughts. They're just my brain trying to come up with reasons for a bad mood. Of course, if you try, you can be depressed about anything. For example, I could say:
Maybe I'm depressed because I got a promotion and a $50,000 raise, because it means I have to suck ass 40 hours a week and wear a suit.
Of course it would be silly to be depressed about such a thing, but in the mood I am currently in, I could manage it.
I really think a lot of this stuff is just that I used to have a place where I fit in. I had a group of friends. Now some of them are my individual friends, but overall, I don't have that feeling anymore. The comfortable sense of a place I belonged. That's all. Now I need to find another way of viewing things, so that I DO fit in somewhere. It's just all lack of perspective.
Or maybe it's something I ate. (Kidding!)
