Forest came out at lunchtime and cheered me up a bit, and I, of course, brought him down. I spent the evening alone while he shoveled snow with his cousin Pat until 11:30. We got some good snuggles. We went to bed.
Today he got up at 8, and went to work with his dad. He thinks he will be done around 4 PM.
So these were supposed to be two two days of this weekend I was going to get to spend with him.
But I'm not letting it get to me. It really shouldn't be such a big deal, and I've got to gain a little perspective on this situation, or risk depressing the fuck out of Forest, and pissing off important people, like myself, and the invisible masses who might someday read this.
(Myself being the important part. I was really mad at myself for being such a twit yesterday, and am still mad at myself for not knowing what the hell I ought to do with myself this weekend.)
The question now is, do I go with Forest to Chicago tomorrow or not? I'm having trouble putting myself in his shoes, and understanding why he would rather go without me. I can name the reasons, but I can't seem to grasp the feeling behind it. It's silly. I think if I could really understand why he'd want to leave me behind, I would be okay with staying home, but for some reason, I just can't grasp it.
And at some level I'm irrationally terrified that he's never coming back. Which is, of course silly, but that's what being irrational is about, right?
Damn all of us virgos. We never do irrationality half-assed.
I can't think of one good reason to go with him, except that I love him and want to be with him, and I have already spent last night and all day today coooped up alone in my house, and am already starting to go stir crazy.
So perhaps I can solve that problem by going in the opposite direction. I'll hop in my car, and drive to Silver Lake. It's my favorite spot in the whole wide world. Granted, it's the middle of winter, and everything is closed, but who cares? I can go see my lake. I can not be in my house, being ridiculously homesick for Forest. I can soak in a hot tub, sleep in a strange bed, and actually appreciate my home when I get back, hopefully about 2 minutes before Forest does.
Maybe I will do that.
No matter what I do, though, I'm filled with apprehension about Monday afternoon, in my true obsessive irrational way.
It's conditioning from when I was with Jeff. He would go away, I would miss him terribly, and when he came back, he wouldn't be nearly as glad to see me as I was to see him. Matter of fact, I often didn't get so much as a nod or a greeting. I think he just took it for granted I'd be there. It was heartbreaking for me. I wanted "Hi, Wendy, I missed you," with big kisses and hugs. I would want a minute of how the trip went, and inquiries into what I'd been doing. I'd want to know I was still special and everything was okay.
Well I wasn't and it wasn't.
This is one of the reasons that despite his late protestations, I was sure in the end that he didn't really love me. If you love someone, you ought to at least be glad to see them when you've been gone for a week, right?
Or maybe I'm being idealistic. I wish I knew, because it would make this easier.
What if Forest comes back and doesn't return my feelings? He'll have been busy with his friends for two days, and won't have had time to miss me. He'll see me for 5 minutes, and he will have to rush off to teach class, and I will have to rush off to bell choir.
Will I go to bell choir in big smiles, or in a million peices?
This is what I'm really afraid of.
So I need to stop having such great big expectations of people. Right? Well I have a hard time giving up on these particular ones, because they are things I would hope they expect of me, and I'd think a relationship depends on these things being in a balance of sorts.
Give and take.
That's enough yammering, so far this hasn't helped me make up my mind about what I'm going to do. I think I'll talk to Forest about it tonight, in between watching Tarzan with Kirstin and his friends coming over to game.
*sigh*
