In high school I did everything that I could do to be as cultured as possible toward this aim. I took ballet classes, played in all sorts of bands on several instruments. I was in sports, I even tried cheerleading for one season. I read as many classics as I could, including the ones that weren't assigned. I took the hardest classes because I wanted to have the strongest mind, participated in theatre because I wanted to have strong presence, and ran a crazy schedule because I loved the variety of it. Took Spanish when I could cram it in my schedule, so I'd have a good foundation for learning as many other languages as I needed. I was a renaissance girl.
When I look back on it, I started high school with a general group of friends, and then was really too busy to spend much time with them. Robin, my best friend stuck by me, but even she didn't really know what was going on with me sometimes. It was important to me to know many people, and I was there if they needed me, but generally they didn't. I wasn't a party person. I was invited a few times, but never went. It was more my style to go to a bonfire at Jerry's house with the guys, or go to a show at Wharton with my parents on nights I wasn't busy. I really don't remember where all the rest of my time went.
There weren't any great romances. I hung around with a lot of guys, but was generally just another friend. I remember some people having crushes on me, and myself having a couple of crushes on a couple of young fellows, but nothing ever came of them, because I never gave those kind of thoughts any creedence, except to daydream about on my way to sleep at night. I dated a couple of really nice ones, but never more than casually, and never for more than a couple of dates. The guy that took me to prom was a really nice kid who was cute and smart, but I didn't really know him that well. We went for a nice dinner, then to the prom, and then to his house, where we stayed up all night watching old movies. Perfectly innocent.
I'm still not clear on how Kirstin happened. Bill came home from college. We'd been friends before, and started hanging around together. I enjoyed his attention, and was pretty much stunned my his ability to take me completely away from my usual scene. We made out a lot. Things just kind of got out of hand from there. Next thing I knew I was having a baby.
So much for the Peace Corps. To keep my own sanity, I put all of my grand ideas aside. Over the first four very difficult years, I gave up my notions of travelling all over the world, and accepted that it would have to wait until I was much older. It couldn't be my way of life, and I refused to mourn it. I was too busy trying to be grown up all at once, and it seemed frivolous in the face of the daily fight to keep food on the table and get through college.
In the years after that, I still had occasional yearnings for my old ideals, but kept them firmly in place at the back of my mind. I settled for occasional forays into the woods, or to the beach. It always helped soothe the itch if I got out of town for a couple of days.
Then I didn't have anyone to support me anymore, and realized that if I wanted to start travelling when Kirstin graduates and put her through college, I was going to have to face the fact that I needed a good-paying job, immediately. We needed to eat, but we also needed to have a future to look forward to. So I made the decision to settle. For at least the rest of Kirstin's childhood and teenage years. She will graduate from high school in 9 years from this June. I figured in light of how fast the past 8 years had gone, it wouldn't be a big deal to do. So now I'm a homeowner in a small town, with a modest career. I'm pinned down. I don't feel trapped, because it was my own decision. I've always made the best of things as I could, and this will be no different.
That's when Forest came into my life. Just when I had made the decision, and settled myself for the next near-decade. Which is what started me on this topic in the first place. He's my fairy tale... he seems to have appeared out of nowhere and brought with him things I dreamed about as a little girl. It's wonderful. I love him more dearly than I ever thought I could love anyone. More than I love myself.
I was very happy to find out yesterday that I was right about something hiding behind his eyes. I knew there was something going on, I wasn't just being paranoid, and I was glad he realized it and talked to me about it so soon. Basically, he's always thought he would have a life of moving around a lot. Roaming from place to place. In his fantasies he's the gypsy rover, which is actually the part of his heritage that fascinates him the most. He never thought he would consider long term relationships, because he never thought he was the type.
So now he says he's met me, and he wants to hold me and love me forever, and never leave my side. Of course, this is wonderful, happy sentiment for me. But it causes conflict for him, because he doesn't quite know what he should do. I'm not afraid in the least. I know him, and he isn't going anywhere, at least not yet. He's frightened, however, at the idea of staying in one small town for so many years. The longest he's ever lived anywhere I think as about 4 years. His parents moved him around a lot. After high school he let the wind take him wherever it would, pretty much, and always dreamed about getting out of this town. He's afraid he will spend 4 years with me, or 8, or 30, and then realize that he's not been true to himself, and his dreams.
I told him I'd be glad to hit the high tides with him, just as soon as Kirstin was on her own. I don't completely understand where he's coming from, because my story's a bit different. My choices were made long ago, and I have to stick with them, because to abandon them is inconscionable (sp?). His life, however, hasn't been so constrained yet. He's had his freedoms well into his adult life, and likes them. I envy that, because I never felt I had it - or rather I did, for about a day at age 17, and then gave it up willingly.
So I'm trying to be here for him, and am relieved to say that that vapor-thin veil between us is gone. We're entirely close again, which makes me happy. The only sad part is that I wish I had met him in my ideal state. By now I'd be footloose and fancy-free, with nothing tying me down. We could run off to Timbuktu together, and it wouldn't matter to anyone. Instead, he had to meet me when I had decided to tie myself down for the remainder of my sentence, and try to do the best parenting I could do. (I'm not a great parent, I just don't think I'm suited for it. But I try.)
He said he wishes he had met me in 10 years, when I was getting ready to fly this place, instead of now, when I have just settled down. He says now that he's met me, he wants to change himself entirely, and stay with me forever.
I hope he doesn't regret too many things he's giving up if he stays. But I don't want him to go. And I don't think he will.
